Moving In

[smackie9]

I don't think it's insane, that's the way you feel about it due to your background/experience. He thinks you are unfairly judging him personally because of his choice to live at home to pay off dept. You both just need to learn to understand each other more and consider the others opinion. From what you have posted about him, he sounds like a pretty responsible guy and would be perfectly capable of standing on his own two feet if he had to. I don't think he himself would have to "prove to YOU" that he can do it.

 

I agree with Katrina , everyone is different, and should be assessed individually.

[Gae]

Not sure it's a compatibility issue yet. Like I said in the above post, we both have higher degrees and student debt. He has chosen to live with his mother to pay down his debt faster. To be fair, if my parents were geographically convenient, I'd likely consider the same, based purely on reducing debt at a faster rate. From what I know this far about him, he contributes equally to household chores, does his own laundry, cooks his own meals, etc. Even when he's at my place, he makes sure to wash the dishes if I cook, or if I leave before him in the morning, he's sure to make my bed, etc. Honestly, this boundary I've created in my mind is mostly based upon the personal growth I made while living alone, and feeling it's important for others to do the same.

It's nice that he contributes but it's nothing compared to being 100% responsible for his rent, gas, groceries, medical bills, credit cards, etc. Right now no matter how tough he gets it he always finds a hot meal at mom's for dinner. It's a world away from living on your own and fetching for yourself. When I moved out of my parents at 18 I learn to budget the hard way, there were weeks I had to pick between paying rent or food, I'd pay rent and eat hot dogs every day of the week till next paycheck. Learning to live without the safety net of your parents is imperative. In my world there is no living at your parents when in your 20s because you want to pay down your debts. His parents raised him to adulthood to become a self-sufficient adult, not to stay home past his mid-20s to pile up some cash. My daughter paid her student loan on her own by working 2 jobs, living at mom's was never an option to her. I raised her to take pride in her independence and being self-sufficient.

[Wiseman2]

Your place, your call. Do not let him move in. Let him get his own place based on his own credit, employment, etc. and also set up cable, utilities, etc., again based on his own credit, employment, income etc. Also let him furnish it, etc. He's calling you insane to intimidate you. And strangely, it's working because you are here wondering, asking opinions, etc.

[polarseltzer]

Please define "on one's own."

 

What about having roommates, does that count as "on one's own" or do you prefer men to have lived "alone" for a year?

 

Personally, I don't care. What I care more about is our "connection" how well we get on together and if we're both on same page re future, etc. And of course how responsible he is, generally.

 

I've dated men who still live at home (for financial reasons, saving for a house for example) but are nevertheless responsible, fully functioning and independent from their parents, other than sharing a house.

 

They pay "rent" not as much as they would for their own apt, but they contribute, buy food, cook, clean, do their own laundry, pay their own bills (cell, credit cards, school loans etc).

 

On the other hand I have dated men who live "on their own" who are irresponsible, their lives (financial and otherwise) are in complete disarray.

 

Best to judge each man and his situation separate from the other, as every man and every situation is different, my opinion .

 

 

I mean completely alone.

I appreciate your perspective. While I would never consider moving in with someone whom I've dated for less than a year, this helps me consider whether I'd be willing to break this boundary for the right person. Thank you.

[polarseltzer]

I don't think it's insane, that's the way you feel about it due to your background/experience. He thinks you are unfairly judging him personally because of his choice to live at home to pay off dept. You both just need to learn to understand each other more and consider the others opinion. From what you have posted about him, he sounds like a pretty responsible guy and would be perfectly capable of standing on his own two feet if he had to. I don't think he himself would have to "prove to YOU" that he can do it.

 

I agree with Katrina , everyone is different, and should be assessed individually.

 

I appreciate this. Thank you.

[polarseltzer]

Your place, your call. Do not let him move in. Let him get his own place based on his own credit, employment, etc. and also set up cable, utilities, etc., again based on his own credit, employment, income etc. Also let him furnish it, etc. He's calling you insane to intimidate you. And strangely, it's working because you are here wondering, asking opinions, etc.

 

Insane was not his word, just the word I chose to use to describe my general sense of the discussion, nor is he intimidating me in any way. It was a random discussion while out casually. Just got me thinking about whether my position is a bit extreme since I tend to live in a black and white reality that I'm trying to work more grey into.

[Wiseman2]

Don't let "love" cloud your reality. Stick with black and white, because that's what all the bills look like.

I tend to live in a black and white reality that I'm trying to work more grey into.

[abitbroken]

Not sure it's a compatibility issue yet. Like I said in the above post, we both have higher degrees and student debt. He has chosen to live with his mother to pay down his debt faster. To be fair, if my parents were geographically convenient, I'd likely consider the same, based purely on reducing debt at a faster rate. From what I know this far about him, he contributes equally to household chores, does his own laundry, cooks his own meals, etc. Even when he's at my place, he makes sure to wash the dishes if I cook, or if I leave before him in the morning, he's sure to make my bed, etc. Honestly, this boundary I've created in my mind is mostly based upon the personal growth I made while living alone, and feeling it's important for others to do the same.

 

So if you would choose to live with your parents for a time to pay down student debt faster, you can't fault him for doing it. When someone wants to marry someday, the less debt they bring the better. If he lives there 5 years, pays down as much as he can and then refinances for a lower payment, that puts him in a better place to pay mortgage or rent, have money for other things in life, etc. I mean, some people pay student loans that are equal to a car payment or even half of a rent payment every month.

[Batya33]

It depends on the person's age, reason for living with parents, what he's expected to do for and at his parents' house. My husband and I lived on our own for years before getting married but had never officially lived with anyone. And IMO living together would not have taught us much about living together with a newborn in a small apartment.

On the other hand my friend's daughter, a college junior, lives on her "own". And her parents are constantly visiting her and bringing her things and pampering her etc. I make this point because I don't think she's truly independent given all her parents' help and intervention. I did not live on my own till age 28 when I was done with grad school. I paid off my grad school loans within 3 years.

[Gae]

So if you would choose to live with your parents for a time to pay down student debt faster, you can't fault him for doing it. When someone wants to marry someday, the less debt they bring the better. If he lives there 5 years, pays down as much as he can and then refinances for a lower payment, that puts him in a better place to pay mortgage or rent, have money for other things in life, etc. I mean, some people pay student loans that are equal to a car payment or even half of a rent payment every month.

 

How about your parents moving in with you because they want to pay off their credit cards and it would be easier doing it while living under your roof? It's the same thing. Once you are an adult, out of school, you are suppose to go fetch for yourself. That's how you build character, resilience, resourcefulness. It sucks to have student loans and bills to pay but they are 'your' responsibility, not your parents. If you want to buy a house do it yourself, your parents did it themselves right? They didn't live at your grand-parents till their 30s to pile up money, that I am sure of. We know one thing for sure in this life, we will always have debts so better get used to the idea.

[dias]

we will always have debts so better get used to the idea.

So how independent are you really when you have debt? You are living by yourself with the help of the bank.

[Gae]

So how independent are you really when you have debt? You are living by yourself with the help of the bank.

It's better to borrow from your parents than the bank? Your parents have spent 20 some years raising you and paying for you. They've done their part. After that, yes it's you and the bank. After you get an education you should be on your own and fetch for yourself. You bet I live with the help of the bank, I have a mortgage, car loan, credit cards, insurances, I owe 2 arms and a leg to the bank, that's adulthood.

[polarseltzer]

It's better to borrow from your parents than the bank? Your parents have spent 20 some years raising you and paying for you. They've done their part. After that, yes it's you and the bank. After you get an education you should be on your own and fetch for yourself. You bet I live with the help of the bank, I have a mortgage, car loan, credit cards, insurances, I owe 2 arms and a leg to the bank, that's adulthood.

 

Well this certainly escalated quickly. For me the question wasn't inherently about finances. I can understand someone's financial wherewithal whether they live alone, with roommates, or with parents. It's more about being about to be completely self sufficient and alone.

[figureitout23]

Not sure it's a compatibility issue yet. Like I said in the above post, we both have higher degrees and student debt. He has chosen to live with his mother to pay down his debt faster. To be fair, if my parents were geographically convenient, I'd likely consider the same, based purely on reducing debt at a faster rate. From what I know this far about him, he contributes equally to household chores, does his own laundry, cooks his own meals, etc. Even when he's at my place, he makes sure to wash the dishes if I cook, or if I leave before him in the morning, he's sure to make my bed, etc. Honestly, this boundary I've created in my mind is mostly based upon the personal growth I made while living alone, and feeling it's important for others to do the same.

 

If I had to place a bet on maturity he's gonna win hands down and that's coming from someone who was 18 and on her own because I didn't have support, there's something to be said about the knowledge gained from having a happy and healthy family unit as an example. The fact that you had to survive on your own since 16 means you missed out on a lot of life lessons because you were in an adult role before you were ready.

 

Reading what he does. He sounds like a highly mature man who has the ability to lean on his family to get a better start in life. You even said, if you could you would. I think there's some jealousy going on here but I could be wrong. Either way, I think you're way off here.

[Batya33]

Well this certainly escalated quickly. For me the question wasn't inherently about finances. I can understand someone's financial wherewithal whether they live alone, with roommates, or with parents. It's more about being about to be completely self sufficient and alone.

 

Why does someone have to be completely self sufficient and alone in your opinion? Sure there will be times we must be - part of almost everyone’s life. But mostly people rely to some extent on others to survive in a healthful way. What’s wrong with that? Most people do not wish to be all alone for extended periods of time. To me it’s a sign of maturity and health to know how to ask for help and who to ask. My mother moved from her parents home to a home she shared with her husband. After over 60 years of marriage my father died. She has been alone for about a year. She is wonderfully self sufficient and I love that has gone out there at 80 something years old and connected with her neighbors and is taking college courses and doing yoga at the senior center. I would never want her to feel like she should strive to be completely self sufficient. I want her to realize she needs people even though her spouse passed away. Not because she is elderly but because I wouldn’t define maturity as showing you can be alone and not need anyone ever. I don’t relate sorry

[LootieTootie]

If I had to place a bet on maturity he's gonna win hands down

 

I agree... The way you go about this is like you need him to prove he is a match for you despite you stating he is considerate, contributes equally, does his own chores and made a conscious choice to live with his parents to pay off school debts.

 

I also sense jealousy and superiority complex.

[yatsue]

I agree... The way you go about this is like you need him to prove he is a match for you despite you stating he is considerate, contributes equally, does his own chores and made a conscious choice to live with his parents to pay off school debts.

 

I also sense jealousy and superiority complex.

 

Rather than some complex, no one wants a mooch as a partner. Just sayin. I've known friends who had a moocher live-in boyfriend; would expect them to pay the majority or all rent, food, bills, etc. Then there was me saying she should dump him, but couldn't because they had a contracted lease together and would be too expensive to break.

 

Some say you should know your partner before moving in together. However, you don't really get to know anyone fully until you live with them. While being on their own doesn't eliminate this as a potential issue, it surely serves as a better indicator to how independent they'll be and less likely to shove responsibilities onto their partner. Otherwise, it's anyone's guess, just hoping it'll be the right one.

[Wiseman2]

Agree it's not about debating debt, finances, sharing living expenses, etc. However your question "self sufficient" does not seem to describe your current new bf.

It's more about being about to be completely self sufficient and alone.

[figureitout23]

Agree it's not about debating debt, finances, sharing living expenses, etc. However your question "self sufficient" does not seem to describe your current new bf.

 

Wiseman it's really not that black and white, read her words, really read them. She states she has no intentions of breaking up with him, she also states if she could she would do the same thing he's doing. Remember that poster who was mad at her friend who was getting married it was like 4 or 5 pages back and forth until she finally admitted she was jealous. I don't want to say it's a male female thing but rather a human thing and I've said this a lot people are afraid to say, I'm jealous, I'm hurt, etc. etc even though they are normal human emotions. Sometimes we don't even recognize what it is. Based on her words, based on the fact that they aren't even close to that step in their relationship, based on the fact that she has no intentions of breaking up and he guys college educated and living with his parents to pay off his debt this is an emotional issue not a logical one.

[itsallgrand]

Agree it's not about debating debt, finances, sharing living expenses, etc. However your question "self sufficient" does not seem to describe your current new bf.

 

I agree.

 

Whether OP has feelings of wishing she had the luxury of parents who would/could support her for longer doesn't change the fact that her boyfriend has yet to venture on his own and to take on all of his own responsibility as an adult. And she has. It's perfectly reasonable for her to want her partner to have made that step first before making the step as a couple to sharing responsibilities together.

[j.man]

It's precisely because living on your own isn't a big achievement that it's always pretty much been a baseline criteria for me. Still, while I've been materially independent from my family in every way since 18, I wouldn't necessarily say it's any real indicator of being any more mature or capable than someone who lived at home and took advantage of not having to work on top of their studies to pay for rent. That itself could be argued as a mature decision. I simply can't stand living with my mother. Love her to death, but I stick to doses.

 

It's simply my preference that someone be demonstrably capable of supporting herself financially, maintaining a hygienic environment with no one to police it, etc. Says nothing of what someone coming straight out of the home can or can't offer, or that what I believe to be a safer criterion couldn't bite me in the ass at some point. Just how my personal experience has guided me.