I think this is witty, but tell me... is this a good idea? (post breakup advice needed)

[Renegadewolfie]

Hey everyone,

 

So the first paragraph will give the backstory and then the second will give you my idea so please let me know what you think and if it will ease tension or just annoy her.

 

I (M32) have recently been dumped by a woman (F33), we dated for 4 months. The main reasons for the breakup were because I currently do not drive and during a really bad snow storm, lasting four days, I was unable to visit my girlfriend (now ex and living quite a distance away). There was no transport and I did not want to spend a fortune (literally) on a taxi and risk being trapped in the snow. The day after the storm she came to visit and we spent time together, went to the get food and then went to my parents. I had a minor disagreement with my Mother in front of her and she was there to see it. When she left, I knew something was wrong. The next day we barely spoke and when we did text she broke up with me saying if I really cared I would have spent that money to go see her and that I am really annoying when I argue and now she dislikes me and no longer loves me. I proceeded to call her and we spoke but she confirmed the breakup again. Following this I acted like a lil b***h and sent about 2 to 3 needy texts and 2 missed calls. Next day I see that I've been deleted from social media and I send a text saying I respect her decision and will give her space... no reply. Another day passes and I get a text saying that I should return a voucher, that she bought me as a present for my birthday (worth 300 bucks) to her. I later found out that she tried to cancel the voucher without me knowing but she couldn't. I wait a day and try to call her but she sends back a rude and short text saying there's nothing to say just to return the present to her or the money for it, that I acted like a psycho texting (for the record I only said that breaking up was a mistake, and it was silly. So I feel that this is to make her feel better about the dumping). She then blows everything I say out of proportion and sees them negatively. I try to text again but she blocks me on whatsapp. I have ways of communicating with her but I'm gonna leave her alone because she is obviously not interested and p****d off with me. No contact it is besides this next thing which is part of my question...

 

Finally here's my question: Should I send back the present with one of those "lovers vouchers" (also a gift from her) that say 1) "IOU one end of argument", 2) "IOU Forgiveness voucher" or 3) "IOU weekend choufer". I feel like this would ease the tension and possibly stop her hating me. Although I would like to talk it out there's a possiblity she'll never be interested again. Does this seem annoying or creepy? I feel like it's probably the only thing I can do to communicate right now and give her the chance to see a bit of my humour in the face of a horrible situation. Everything else I've done has been interpretted the wrong way. Should I just return it and say nothing? Does sending this break the no contact?

 

Thanks

[j.man]

Humor won't work, bud. I probably wouldn't write anything. What's the voucher for? Have your given her gifts of similar value?

[dundermiflin]

Don't bother with the humor, although I think it's funny and a nice try. I think it's lame of her to take back a gift, and that she tried to cancel it without telling you. So you would just find out when you tried to use it? Just send the dumb thing back and remember she's not perfect either.

[boltnrun]

She doesn't seem like she's in a "hardy har har" kind of mood currently.

 

BTW, it's "chauffeur "

[DanZee]

Yeah, I think there may have been something else that may have happened before this. Did she have to drive you to the store and your parents? She might not have liked the way you treated your mom. Or it might be because you're 32 and don't have a car. Just send her voucher back and move on with your life.

[maew]

She is probably waiting for you to do something like that at which point she would hold it over your head… I would just send it back and say absolutely nothing... let her wonder.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, it would be annoying. She doesn't appear to be in any mood for jokes.

 

Just let this be, OP. Trying to crack a joke won't fix it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. To be honest after just 4 mos, it's not worth your time or this headache just to play games. You should stay no contact and follow her lead by deleting and blocking her from all devices, messaging apps and social media. Maintain your dignity and just move forward. Don't return anything as an excuse to contact and stalk. It makes you look desperate and bitter. Just throw it out.

we dated for 4 months. I try to text again but she blocks me on whatsapp. Should I send back the present with one of those "lovers vouchers"

[Renegadewolfie]

Yeah, I think there may have been something else that may have happened before this. Did she have to drive you to the store and your parents? She might not have liked the way you treated your mom. Or it might be because you're 32 and don't have a car. Just send her voucher back and move on with your life.

 

Not really, but when she gets angry she goes from idolizing me to demonizing me and there's nothing I can say to calm her down. We argued about a month ago at my brother's wedding because I didn't do something she demanded of me (accept a facebook post) in the time she wanted, I told her I would rather do it in my own time instead of being commanded like a dog. Back then she wrecked the rest of the night for me and now my memories are just if the hurtful things she said that night. When she calmed down, she said that she had "to hurt me to teach me a lesson", I'm paraphrasing of course.

 

The other two things that came up recently was that she wanted me to drive (the gift was driving lesson vouchers btw), and was disappointed and upset that I was instead spending my hard earned cash on college instead of buying a car and saving for a house (I don't earn a lot), and that I didn't know if I wanted to have kids in the next 2 to 3 years because of financial situation and studying. I know now that this was probably the background tension causing this whole mess. Maybe I am better off settling down and forgetting about pursuing my dream job.

 

Sending the IOUs was mostly just an idea to stop her anger and make light of the situation but I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope it would make her miss me and get in contact. For now she painted me as a "psycho" because I sent a needy text, that hurts the most to be honest because all I said was that I "wanted what she did and to not end it this way". I didn't realise I was worth so little after all, and it sucks because when she was interested she was really good to me and then she went so cold so fast. Sucks

[Cope]

Um..m I the only one that finds her controlling and way too demanding? I mean who would break up with you because you didn't spend a fortune on a taxi and risk yourself getting stuck in the snow?And only 4 days?! I wouldn't even bother getting back with her.

 

It's ok, so what, you sent a couple of needy texts, yes, it doesn't help if you want to get back together, but again, why would you?

[Renegadewolfie]

Um..m I the only one that finds her controlling and way too demanding? I mean who would break up with you because you didn't spend a fortune on a taxi and risk yourself getting stuck in the snow?And only 4 days?! I wouldn't even bother getting back with her.

 

It's ok, so what, you sent a couple of needy texts, yes, it doesn't help if you want to get back together, but again, why would you?

 

To be honest, I'm not sure. I guess I feel like it doesn't make sense and I want to talk about it with her... I dunno. It's weird because she was very full on and on some level I may like that someone cared about me that much. However, the opposite is also true: the hurtful things she said and then how she went cold and blocked me. She was dropping the L bomb a lot lately and I have to admit that I reciprocated. I do really like her a lot and now I can't stop thinking about the good things in the relationship even though there was probably more red flags than I'd like to admit.

[Cope]

she broke up with me saying if I really cared I would have spent that money to go see her

 

This is what hit me hard. Are you well off? Has she shown tons of interest in things over emotions? In what people think or look over true feelings? Dropping the L word is easy to some, doesn't mean much if they don't show it and I'm not talking about putting a cost on it.

 

I know it's hard not to think of the good times. Just try to focus on the bad parts, the ones you say are hard to admit; those are the ones that reveal the truth about the person you were dating. It gets easier when you start seeing the whole picture.

[Lambert]

Send the voucher back and don't be joking or funny. sounds like she doesn't deserve it. she "loves you" is bullcuck-ka.... some people do throw that word around pretty easily, but she is small and petty. that is not love.

 

Why do you want her back? don't you want someone that treasures you and doesn't dump you?

 

its ok to be angry with her and how she acted. Someone started a thread about why we, as dumpees, don't feel we have the right to be angry and to recognize that anger is natural, a way of letting you know that you are not happy.

 

I'm embracing my anger. I'm angry with my ex. he made a donkey out of me.... he deserves nothing from me. nothing!

 

i said send the gift back bc, that's what the bigger person would do. but technically anything given as a gift is yours to keep. so actually i think you should spend it -- depending on what it is, share with a friend and enjoy it.

[MissCanuck]

OP, I would be wary that something more is up with her.

 

The constant testing and demanding you jump through hoops to appease her is controlling, no doubt about it. But it is the idolizing and demonizing seemingly on a whim that can sometimes point to deeper mental issues - that's what jumped out at me, as I have been with someone like this. I cannot claim to be an expert, and I certainly don't know anywhere near enough about her to slap label her, but my ex displayed some eerily similar behaviour and he indeed did have bigger problems (diagnosed) that he absolutely refused to treat. He too was erratic and had anger issues, and openly admitted that he tried to hurt me to "teach me a lesson."

 

My point in telling you this is not to justify her terrible treatment of you, but rather to emphasize that her unacceptable behaviour is not your fault. Whatever is going on with her is not something you fix through a little humour. You would be best to stay well away from her; she's a toxic influence on your life.

[wolflovesmoon]

What is the voucher for?

Use it and take someone on a date, take a picture and send it to her :)

 

 

Don’t listen to me :)

[Renegadewolfie]

The voucher was for driving lessons. So it's pretty obvious that she was pushing me to drive and maybe if I had then this whole mess wouldn't have happened.

 

She is on antidepressants or sine similar medication for a thoiroid thing from her doctor but I don't think she was diagnosed with depression. I actually study psychology and I did notice an emotional imbalance there with arguing and remembering petty things. But when it comes to that stuff I try not to judge too harshly because I have my flaws too.

 

I know being with her is not healthy and I'm better off now but it hurts a lot. It keeps popping up I'm my head and I'm in pretty sad place. She's probably replaced me already.

 

For someone who claims to have loved me, she discarded me like trash and was willing to cut me out based on a few relatively minor issues. It scares me about relationships that such people exist.

[MissCanuck]

You learning to drive would not have saved this.

 

She sounds emotionally unstable, and thus, not a good candidate for a relationship at this time. I speak from experience, having spent more than a year with a man like this. There wouldn't have been a happy ending here.

[Wiseman2]

It's a blessing it ended. Dating only 4 mos, there were too many incompatibilities already.

we dated for 4 months. The main reasons for the breakup were because I currently do not drive. I had a minor disagreement with my Mother in front of her and she was there to see it.

[abitbroken]

why, at 34, are you not driving?

 

If she was always driving to you, i can understand her frustration.

 

I would get driving for my own personal development. And don't send any card. leave her be

[Lost 73]

How old are you? that is so immature not even funny send her the gift back and grow up

[Lost 73]

Not really, but when she gets angry she goes from idolizing me to demonizing me and there's nothing I can say to calm her down. We argued about a month ago at my brother's wedding because I didn't do something she demanded of me (accept a facebook post) in the time she wanted, I told her I would rather do it in my own time instead of being commanded like a dog. Back then she wrecked the rest of the night for me and now my memories are just if the hurtful things she said that night. When she calmed down, she said that she had "to hurt me to teach me a lesson", I'm paraphrasing of course.

 

The other two things that came up recently was that she wanted me to drive (the gift was driving lesson vouchers btw), and was disappointed and upset that I was instead spending my hard earned cash on college instead of buying a car and saving for a house (I don't earn a lot), and that I didn't know if I wanted to have kids in the next 2 to 3 years because of financial situation and studying. I know now that this was probably the background tension causing this whole mess. Maybe I am better off settling down and forgetting about pursuing my dream job.

 

Sending the IOUs was mostly just an idea to stop her anger and make light of the situation but I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope it would make her miss me and get in contact. For now she painted me as a "psycho" because I sent a needy text, that hurts the most to be honest because all I said was that I "wanted what she did and to not end it this way". I didn't realise I was worth so little after all, and it sucks because when she was interested she was really good to me and then she went so cold so fast. Sucks

 

Dude really 32 need driving lessons and cant buy a car. You got a lot more to worry about

[Lost 73]

The voucher was for driving lessons. So it's pretty obvious that she was pushing me to drive

 

At 32 you don't see a issue not driving? Most women would be like this guy is still a child does not have his act together? At 32 still in school? I was already 8 years into being a accountant. you are way behind the ball. Might want to rethink priorities both my kids at 16 got their licenses and paid for it themselves and bought their cars in highschool

[mustlovedogs]

At 32 you don't see a issue not driving? Most women would be like this guy is still a child does not have his act together? At 32 still in school? I was already 8 years into being a accountant. you are way behind the ball. Might want to rethink priorities both my kids at 16 got their licenses and paid for it themselves and bought their cars in highschool

 

We get the point... no need to make 3 condescending posts about it

[Renegadewolfie]

I understand your point but not driving is a personal financial choice because in my country driving is so expensive and redundant when you live in the city and so is education. I'm choosing my education because I want to transition in my career. I get your point but I disagree, driving is not essential to me, changing career is.

[boltnrun]

I understand your point but not driving is a personal financial choice because in my country driving is so expensive and redundant when you live in the city and so is education. I'm choosing my education because I want to transition in my career. I get your point but I disagree, driving is not essential to me, changing career is.

 

But it appears it is essential to your ex.

 

Which is possibly one of the reasons why she is your ex.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who don't mind your use of public or hired transportation.