Getting Married Soon, Christian, Had Question About Sex With Her

[hunterl72]

Hi, I've been with my girlfriend since November. I'm 26 and she is 22. We're both Christian and unfortunately didn't wait till marriage to have sex. We ended up having sex after about a month together, and continued doing it until about a month ago. Each time it happened, we felt guilty and now she says she wants to wait until the middle of June when we get married (I know it's soon but we love each other very much.

We've been talking about it a lot too and making sure it's what we want, and we're both in agreement on this) because it makes us feels guilty when we do it. That's not the issue, I don't mind waiting because I know it'll instill good values into our marriage, but here's the question:

 

Now, I try to initiate intimacy (kissing, touching her, hugging)... Nothing too sexual, when I say touching I mean like rubbing her leg while driving or putting my arms around her. Anyway, when I do that, sometimes she'll say she doesn't want to be kissed/touched/etc. It makes me feel like she's not attracted to me anymore, but she still says she loves me and tells me she is.

 

I'm wondering if having sex regularly, to now not having it at all has instilled a sense of thought into my brain where I don't think she's attracted to me, but I also wonder if she just actually wants to wait like we agreed and I'm over thinking? I know some people don't like to be touched or anything but she didn't used to be like that and that's why I wonder about it. Is it possible she doesn't want to be touched because it makes her think about/want sex? It's been confusing to me and I love her to death, I just am not sure how to handle it right now and I don't want to bring it up with her unless I absolutely need to. Any advice would be thankful.

[ThatwasThen]

Boyfriend's don't get breakfast in bed and dinner made for them and a lady cleaning up after them. Those are things he can look forward to when he gets married.

Yes, its very possible but I really think you should talk to her about what you've said here and communicate about this together. Communication and feeling safe to do it with who you love is the cornerstone that keeps a relationship strong.

[j.man]

Call it a hunch, but I think God would take a whole lot more offense to the utter lack of due respect and consideration into such an important covenant (you are invoking Him as a witness, after all), agreeing to go through with it within like 8 months and after only 4 months of having been together, than the fact you guys have already boned. But I guess there's no way to know for sure.

[hunterl72]

Yes, its very possible but I really think you should talk to her about what you've said here and communicate about this together. Communication and feeling safe to do it with who you love is the cornerstone that keeps a relationship strong.

 

How would you suggest bringing it up? I mean I've mentioned this before, but it always seems to annoy her when I say something and I don't want to start an argument. She really does assure me that, "I just don't want to be touched right now." I also forgot to mention that it's not all the time. We do cuddle in bed and kiss each other goodnight and we kiss sometimes and in the morning when we wake up. I just get the feeling sometimes, and I don't know where it comes from because one minute it'll seem like everything is fine but then she pulls away or tells me to stop. It confuses me! lol

[boltnrun]

So in your religion living together without being married is OK but having sex before marriage is not? I am a bit confused.

[hunterl72]

Call it a hunch, but I think God would take a whole lot more offense to the utter lack of due respect and consideration into such an important covenant (you are invoking Him as a witness, after all), agreeing to go through with it within like 8 months and after only 4 months of having been together, than the fact you guys have already boned. But I guess there's no way to know for sure.

 

I understand that we didn't wait and we both do feel guilty about it... I know it may seem like we're rushing things too but we both feel mature and ready for this, we've been in relationships prior and both know what we're looking for. We have agreed to wait now, but yes you're right it's a guilty conscious over my head that we didn't hold off before.

[hunterl72]

So in your religion living together without being married is OK but having sex before marriage is not? I am a bit confused.

 

We don't live together yet. She wouldn't be moving in until June when we get married.

[mustlovedogs]

I understand that we didn't wait and we both do feel guilty about it... I know it may seem like we're rushing things too but we both feel mature and ready for this, we've been in relationships prior and both know what we're looking for. We have agreed to wait now, but yes you're right it's a guilty conscious over my head that we didn't hold off before.

 

You use a lot of “wes” for someone who isn’t even sure his girlfriend (fiancée??) is in to him.

[boltnrun]

We don't live together yet. She wouldn't be moving in until June when we get married.

 

But you mentioned cuddling in bed, kissing goodnight and waking up together. So you spend the night together? And that's OK in your religion?

 

I ask because that was the first question my husband and I were asked during our premarital counseling..."Do you two live together? Or spend the night together?"

[hunterl72]

You use a lot of “wes” for someone who isn’t even sure his girlfriend (fiancée??) is in to him.

 

Well we have talked about marriage and our future and I have a grasp on that aspect. It's not like we don't communicate, I just had the feeling of a loss of attraction when I get told she doesn't want to be touched right now or pulls away from a kiss sometimes. I was just trying to give as much info as possible.

[ThatwasThen]

How would you suggest bringing it up?

Write it out and show her your opening post. Tell her you didn't know how to approach it verbally but you need to understand what goes through her head when she stops you from giving her (and you receiving from her) tactile shows of affection. I'd also be telling her about how important it is to communicate and be able to feel safe doing so to one another.

 

Perhaps you could wait to show her your written thoughts until she shuts down your hug or affectionate touching.

[hunterl72]

But you mentioned cuddling in bed, kissing goodnight and waking up together. So you spend the night together? And that's OK in your religion?

 

I ask because that was the first question my husband and I were asked during our premarital counseling..."Do you two live together? Or spend the night together?"

 

Yes, we do spend the night together. I mean, we're not perfect Christians but we do try. We've grown really close and don't like being apart, and like I said we've already had sex but now we've decided to stop until marriage because of the guilt we were getting from doing it. But this is swaying away from my main question.

[j.man]

Well we have talked about marriage and our future and I have a grasp on that aspect. It's not like we don't communicate, I just had the feeling of a loss of attraction when I get told she doesn't want to be touched right now or pulls away from a kiss sometimes. I was just trying to give as much info as possible.

Generally speaking, it's a good idea to feel certain about something like your partner being, say... attracted to you prior to promising to wed them.

 

I'd hate to keep driving the point, but if this hiccup isn't cluing you into just how not a good idea it is, I'm not sure what to tell you.

[hunterl72]

Write it out and show her your opening post. Tell her you didn't know how to approach it verbally but you need to understand what goes through her head when she stops you from giving her (and you receiving from her) tactile shows of affection. I'd also be telling her about how important it is to communicate and be able to feel safe doing so to one another.

 

Perhaps you could wait to show her your written thoughts until she shuts down your hug or affectionate touching.

 

That's a good idea. Thank you. Maybe writing it out would help get my full message across rather than just starting a conversation/argument.

[hunterl72]

Generally speaking, it's a good idea to feel certain about something like your partner being, say... attracted to you prior to promising to wed them.

 

I'd hate to keep driving the point, but if this hiccup isn't cluing you into just how not a good idea it is, I'm not sure what to tell you.

 

Well like I said, this is a new hurdle that has come up - I don't know if I'm over thinking it because I've never dealt with this before. Everything was fine up until a couple weeks ago which is why I think I'm just over reacting but I wanted a 2nd opinion.

[boltnrun]

Yes, we do spend the night together. I mean, we're not perfect Christians but we do try. We've grown really close and don't like being apart, and like I said we've already had sex but now we've decided to stop until marriage because of the guilt we were getting from doing it. But this is swaying away from my main question.

 

I asked because I thought at first she might be experiencing "Christian guilt" and that's why she doesn't want to be touched (because she could get aroused and that makes her feel guilty). But if she's OK with going against Christian faith "rules" by spending the night in bed with you, that kind of negates my theory.

 

Was she enthusiastic about sex before?

[Pleasedonot5]

Yep, think you are spot on. Not having sex is fine, but no other innocent intimacy either is unreasonable.

 

My brain is also wired to think that way. No kissing or physical touch? She must not be attracted to me. Imo, that's pretty cruel to do to a partner.

 

I recommend communicating this to your partner. Argue if you have to.

[Hollyj]

Why are you rushing into this marriage? That's nuts.

[limichelle]

If you are concerned about this then ask her. You have a right to know what is going on inside her mind, we can't really be the judge of that. Also why the rush for marriage? Is so you can keep having sex one of the main reasons? If it is you need to slow down. You haven't been dating long at all. You don't want to make the mistake of marrying someone you don't really know 100%.

[mustlovedogs]

Are you even engaged?

[Iggy5129]

This is why no sex before marriage is such a bad idea. You do stupid things like getting married after 8 months so you can have sex. If I married the guy I was with at age 22 there is no doubt in my mind I would be divorced. Just date and have sex.

[Snny]

This is why no sex before marriage is such a bad idea. You do stupid things like getting married after 8 months so you can have sex. If I married the guy I was with at age 22 there is no doubt in my mind I would be divorced. Just date and have sex.

 

My parents were 21 and 22 when they got married. My dad was a virgin and a strong practicing Catholic before marriage (my mom was agnostic). Both my parents are still together after 35+ years. This doesn't happen often, but both people really have to be on the same page.

 

 

To the OP: you call her your girlfreind, yet you are engaged. Why not call her your fiancee? That part seems... off.

 

Please don't feel guilty about the sex part or let that be "the nail in the coffin" reason to marry her. If you're Christian, then you know we are all born as sinners. There are so many other things to explore as a couple during marriage that you aren't able to do as someone who is dating.

[Doc Blaze]

Has she ever been in serious relationships before this one?

[melancholy123]

My two cents is you are rushing into marriage after just 8 months of dating. Why are you doing this? The whole Christian guilt thing just blows my mind. Sex is normal and natural and I just dont understand your logic of waiting til you get married. My two cents worth is also that if you dont talk to her seriously about what she thinks and feels, then you are going into this marriage blind. Rushing marriage so you can have sex is no reason to get married. You'll end up separated and/or divorced before you know it. I think you two could benefit from some couples counselling by a non church person so you can get some logical advice, as I think you need it.

[wom360]

You’re about to marry a woman who’s not that into sex and not that into you. You’re getting set up for a sexless marriage. Once she’s got kids you’ll be done.