No need to be rude

[Seraphim]

So what. No one needs to give an indication of squat. She owes him exactly zero.

[dias]

Well, in my day, that's how it was done. He approached, he started a convo (if she was receptive] and then at the end of then night (or interaction) he asked for her number and then phoned her for a date. Now, with all this texting ad-nauseum and all this electronic superficial getting to know you, yes, I think (some) women would find it too forward.

 

I was born in the wrong age because this is how I approach women. This is what I have learned from my father lol.

[ThatwasThen]

I was born in the wrong age because this is how I approach women. This is what I have learned from my father lol.

 

Your father is doing you well, dias!

[Jibralta]

I don't think he's denying here that he was interested in her. I do think that after she rejected him he tried to save face by backpedalling a bit about just wanting to add her to the friends pile. But I also think that by the end there he understood she wasn't interested and really was just trying to clear the air.

 

I don't agree with you.

 

I️ apologized for the chocolate, for seeking to speak with her over coffee and further expressed that I️ go to lots of hospitals and throughout the years have made great friends with numerous doctors, nurses and hospital staff and was only seeking to expand on the friendship list. I️ further stated that I️ know nothing of her and was not trying to seek her hand in marriage or disrespect her. I️ concluded by wishing her a goodnight and promised not to take any more of her time.

 

When I️ asked 10 minutes later if she had a break and she gave me the “boyfriend” response then I️ realized her defensive mode. However, I’m not asking her out, I’m not asking her for her number and instead made it very clear that I️ go to numerous hospitals and through the years have made great friends with doctors,nurses, etc.

 

You state “Don't you think it's kind of rude of you to persist when someone is clearly indicating they aren't interested right off the bat?” I️ only said “hello”. And based on her cold “hi” I’m suppose to get the impression that she’s not interested? Interested in what? How does she know? Is she a mind reader?

 

He thinks she couldn't see him coming.

 

NIN2000: Yes, she is a mind reader. We all are.

 

All I'm saying is that she didn't need to default to that right away. I can even understand why she did; she was probably thinking "I don't want to go through the whole rigamaroll with this guy; let me just shut all this down right now." But that's kind of inconsiderate.

 

This probably sounds like a crazy thing to say, but I think it's inconsiderate when a guy leads with his mating instinct in a way that makes it deniable--that is creepy in itself. Some guys understand this more than others.

 

I really think many of the posters here maybe feel the need to justify women sometimes being rude to men who are interested; maybe thinking back to examples in their own lives dealing with a too pushy man.

 

I'm responding because I personally find this to be one of the most irritating situations to be in. I am completely unashamed of being rude when I am in this situation. If some dudes think I'm a b*tch because I am rude, good. They probably wouldn't understand a lot of other things about me, either.

[ThatwasThen]

dealing with a too pushy man

.... and that's what he was being.

[dias]

So, the confusion is about the OP not stating his interest directly?

 

Personally, after some minutes of talking I ask for number or coffee. At least when the girls are not interested they say point blank "I have a boyfriend" or something like this (it happened to me 30 minutes ago lol) and there is no confusion. It's not rocket science.

[Jibralta]

So, the confusion is about the OP not stating his interest directly?

 

Personally, after some minutes of talking I ask for number or coffee. At least when the girls are not interested they say point blank "I have a boyfriend" or something like this (it happened to me 30 minutes ago lol) and there is no confusion. It's not rocket science.

 

If he'd asked for her number immediately (or at least at the end of their first conversation), he probably would have gotten a clear but polite "no."

[SherrySher]

I agree, you can't be too pushy otherwise it will put the woman off. You can't ask for a number too quickly.

[mustlovedogs]

The chocolate bar is what weirds me out. My opinion of her reaction would be different if the chocolate bar wasn’t a factor.

[dias]

If he'd asked for her number immediately (or at least at the end of their first conversation), he probably would have gotten a clear but polite "no."

It would have been better this way. No dramas.

[katrina1980]

The chocolate bar is what weirds me out. My opinion of her reaction would be different if the chocolate bar wasn’t a factor.

 

I agree!!! Was just gonna post it but you beat me to it.

 

I am imagining the scenario, and it reminds me of a "creepy" older man (a stranger) offering candy to a little girl.

 

Maybe that is how she appeared to him, like a "little girl." Some men get off on that dynamic.

 

That is where the "creepy" vibe came into play for me.

 

If you wish to approach, ask for my number, that's one thing.

 

But I sure as hell would not want nor appreciate some stranger approaching me offering me a chocolate bar. Ewww.

 

Bless her heart for being polite during the first convo but then when he came round again, full stop! Um, No.

[Jibralta]

I am imagining the scenario, and it reminds me of a "creepy" older man (a stranger) offering candy to a little girl.

 

So funny. When I first responded, I had written, "He put her in the awkward position of taking candy from a stranger." But then I went with something else.

[Krankor]

.... and that's what he was being.

 

By the end, yes. I would agree. He kind of tripped all over himself trying to clear the air with her and just made things worse. In my opinion he should have bowed out gracefully after he asked her about the chocolate and got the cold "I don't care for sweets" response. Something like "OK, well it was nice talking to you again. Have a good rest of your shift" and then turned his attention back to the people he was talking to before. But he wasn't being pushy at first. He just said "hi" to her after having had a nice interaction with her a few weeks back and hit an ice wall right away.

[boltnrun]

Personally, if I hit an "ice wall" with someone I don't continue to try to have a conversation with them. No matter if they were friendly in a previous interaction.

[ThatwasThen]

By the end, yes. I would agree. He kind of tripped all over himself trying to clear the air with her and just made things worse. In my opinion he should have bowed out gracefully after he asked her about the chocolate and got the cold "I don't care for sweets" response. Something like "OK, well it was nice talking to you again. Have a good rest of your shift" and then turned his attention back to the people he was talking to before. But he wasn't being pushy at first. He just said "hi" to her after having had a nice interaction with her a few weeks back and hit an ice wall right away.

 

Yes, too bad he didn't just say "see ya around" after she gave him her back. If he had of stopped there then I think he would get a lot more people agreeing with him that she was "rude."

she looked at me with an angry face and responded coldly with “hi” and then she gave me her back.

[figureitout23]

So I went back and tried to reread the whole thing. I admit I skimmed it the first time due to the exclamation points and boxes

 

I find it interesting those calling the woman's behavior rude aren't recognizing we arent getting the story from his point of view. I think someone else made a point to say. ' we really don't know what the reality is.' We don't know what was embellished or not.

 

I think all the extra should be taken with a grain of salt simply because it's all about perspective. HE viewed his actions as innocent. HE viewed her actions as rude. I'm sure the truth is somewhere inbetween. I believe she was rude. I believe his coworker stated she was rude, what I don't believe is that it was unprovoked, I don't believe that for a second. You gave her the chocolate, you tried to talk to her and she responded cold, that was the time to back off instead you chose to keep going and actually ask her for coffee. Even though you noticed she was standoffish. She responded rudely, probably because she felt you weren't taking the hint.

 

It does take guts to go up to an attractive person and try to ask them out. Not going to knock that. BUT the truth remains she was under no obligation to return your attraction, she was under no obligation to accept your offer and it does seem like you came on way too strong.

[Krankor]

OK, new theory. Originally I postulated that she was disinterested from the start but happily allowed this guy to stroke her ego. Upon seeing him again she shut him down.

 

Now that I've thought this over I think it is actually possible that she initially was interested. I mean, you don't get to be a federal LEO by being an unimpressive loser. The OP is probably (at least) pretty in shape, fairly intelligent, fairly ambitious, and fairly stable.

 

However he screwed up when he gave her the chocolate bar. I wonder if she would have actually given him her number if he would have asked, but the chocolate bar instead was like "Dude...what? No." I wonder if that's where it all went off the rails.

[Jibralta]

I doubt it. There are definitely women who like cops, but there are also a lot of women who are indifferent to or even dislike cops. The chocolate probably did work against him, but if she liked his overall demeanor she might have overlooked that flub. I'm thinking the chocolate was the icing on the cake of revulsion. I think this because she was openly cold to him the very next time he approached her. When it first happened, she was polite because she had no reason to think it would happen again. But when he came back, she made sure he didn't go forward any longer with the wrong idea.

[Giblesp]

So what. No one needs to give an indication of squat. She owes him exactly zero.

 

 

 

The women here seem to immediately jump to the conclusion that OP is a creepy guy because he gave her chocolate. There has even been a comparison to a child molester, which is quite a serious accusation.

 

Have any of you accepted a drink from a stranger in a bar? Yes, most of us have. Have you ever met someone and wanted to have sex with them? Obviously.

 

Now OP hasn't come on here for people to tell him that he's being creepy and is a potential rapist, he's come on here for help trying to work out what happened. As far as we are aware, he wasn't rude to her and didn't have any bad intentions towards her. Stop being nasty and rude, and projecting the way you feel about rapists on to him. Try and discriminate between men who do bad things, and women for that matter, and men who don't. Otherwise your part of the problem.

[Seraphim]

The women here seem to immediately jump to the conclusion that OP is a creepy guy because he gave her chocolate. There has even been a comparison to a child molester, which is quite a serious accusation.

 

Have any of you accepted a drink from a stranger in a bar? Yes, most of us have. Have you ever met someone and wanted to have sex with them? Obviously.

 

Now OP hasn't come on here for people to tell him that he's being creepy and a child molester, he's come on here for help trying to work out what happened. As far as we are aware, he wasn't rude to her and didn't have any bad intentions towards her. Stop being nasty and rude, and projecting the way you feel about rapists on to him. Try and discriminate between men who do bad things, and women for that matter, and men who don't. Otherwise your part of the problem.

I NEVER said he was creepy or a child molestor. Show me exactly where I said that . All I said was she doesn’t owe him anything . This is no longer the 14th century .

[Seraphim]

I have exactly 2 post on this thread and the ones that were deleted were trying to talk reason into a troll . Not once did I mention a chocolate bar or him being creepy . What I did mention is she owes him diddly. And we don’t have to be flirted with if we don’t want to be . Like I mentioned this is no longer the 14th century where we are forced to do things we don’t wanna do .

[Giblesp]

I NEVER said he was creepy or a child molestor. Show me exactly where I said that . All I said was she doesn’t owe him anything . This is no longer the 14th century .

 

You didn't no. But another poster has made that association and its not on.

[Giblesp]

I have exactly 2 post on this thread and the ones that were deleted were trying to talk reason into a troll . Not once did I mention a chocolate bar or him being creepy . What I did mention is she owes him diddly. And we don’t have to be flirted with if we don’t want to be . Like I mentioned this is no longer the 14th century where we are forced to do things we don’t wanna do .

 

So explain to him in a polite manner how he may have come across and what may have happened. No need to tell him about the 14th century, from what he said he wasn't trying to force her to do anything.

[Seraphim]

So explain to him in a polite manner how he may have come across and what may have happened. No need to tell him about the 14th century, from what he said he wasn't trying to force her to do anything.

 

She did not want to interact. The second interaction she made the plain by a “cold” hi. That is where it ends. If he noticed that the response was cold or offputting that’s where it should’ve ended . You don’t persist after that .

[Giblesp]

She did not want to interact. The second interaction she made the plain by a “cold” hi. That is where it ends. If he noticed that the response was cold or offputting that’s where it should’ve ended . You don’t persist after that .

 

This is going round in circles. What posters have done her is imply that he is creepy and made a very disgusting comparison. This is unnecessary.

 

What I'm saying is that we can help people by politely explaining how they may have come across. He may have freaked her out unintentionally. So explain that to him in a constructive, rational manner as you would like that explained to you.