No need to be rude

[katrina1980]

Such “senses” are no different than judging a book by its cover, or judging a person by their skin color, religion or looks. That’s shallow.

 

Forgive me; I️ mean no offense but you can’t label someone a creep by a “sense”. In the two days I️ worked on that floor I️ was respectful, friendly and respectful not only to her but all the staff on that floor: male, female and gay!

 

Furthermore; I️ did exchange numbers with a young doctor who asked for assistance (he was seeking contract work for the Federal government and I️ promised to help him). I️ guess “that’s freaky also?

 

Regarding "sense" don't underestimate my powers of perception, it's way up there, borderline psychic!

 

Not to mention you may have been "respectful" but you have no idea how another person perceives your actions.

 

Creepy is a vibe, nothing to do with being respectful etc.

 

But I wasn't there so fair enough.

[NIN2000]

It's simple to be kind to a stranger in passing, but when he shows up again--on her job where she's already stressed--she used coldness to signal that she's not up for a replay.

 

I'd have read the coldness as her 'back off' signal rather than persisting and cornering her into further conversation. Nothing good could have come from that, and your view of her as rude is likely irrelevant to her. She's a nurse, and sometimes rudeness goes with the territory. It's her station, and she's made it clear that she's not there to play, so move on.

 

And I️ happily moved on....

[katrina1980]

None of this justifies rudeness.

 

Read further I agree she was rude. So what? People are rude, that's life, no?

[katrina1980]

And geez OP for someone only wishing to add to his "friendship list" you're sure making mountains out of molehills.

 

Agree she was rude, so what?

 

I've had men scream at me in parking lots, talk about rude!

 

I don't start a thread about it.

 

That said, there's a venting thread somewhere around here, I think in the off topic section.

 

Quoted again for emphasis!!

[NIN2000]

ETA: Just read his initial post again. He said he was at the hospital again on a "work-related" project and "ran into" two cops.

 

@Krankor, where did you get that HE is a cop? I don't think he is, not that it matters. She just found him annoying and reacted.

 

I’m not a police officer. However, I️ am a federal Law Enforcement Officer, (I️ keep the name and detail of my Agency out of social media)

[katrina1980]

 

I am a federal Law Enforcement Officer.

 

Impressive.

[NIN2000]

Honestly, as a nurse. I barely have time to chat with my patients and their family. Sometimes I work with very ill people and all I want is to sit by them, talk and hold their hand as they’re terrified and I try my best to, but when your other patient is crying in pain and needing medications and a new patient waiting assessment you can’t. Healthcare is so so hard.

 

Not to mention the verbal and physical abuse we experience almost daily. The physical and mental exhaustion of it all.

 

Patients die, you do what needs to be done take a breath and move on to the next room where someone needs you.

 

Pretty long winded way of saying...it’s hard.

 

And it’s her job.

 

It’s inappropriate to try to small talk and distract someone (multiple times!) while they are working (even if it looks like they aren’t). Yes she was rude, but you were inappropriate. And you really don’t know what was going on in her day.

 

I️ place my life on the line as Federal Law a Enforcement Officer, everyday (Sunday -Saturdays) and many times 16 hours a day for the security of society. (I’m not exaggerating).

 

I️ am very well aware of working under stressful conditions. Yet, no matter how stressful, I’ve NEVER used unwarranted force on a criminal, used insult or other forms of rudeness and justified it with my jobs working conditions.

[mustlovedogs]

I️ place my life on the line as Federal Law a Enforcement Officer, everyday (Sunday -Saturdays) and many times 16 hours a day for the security of society. (I’m not exaggerating).

 

I️ am very well aware of working under stressful conditions. Yet, no matter how stressful, I’ve NEVER used unwarranted force on a criminal, used insult or other forms of rudeness and justified it with my jobs working conditions.

 

Dude. She was rude. Move on. There are SO many reasons she was rude. She does not owe you her kindness. No one does.

 

Honestly I think your ego is hurt and you’re upset.

[katrina1980]

And geez OP for someone only wishing to add to his "friendship list" you're sure making mountains out of molehills.

 

Agree she was rude, so what?

 

I've had men scream at me in parking lots, talk about rude!

 

I don't start a thread about it.

 

That said, there's a venting thread somewhere around here, I think in the off topic section.

 

And for the third time.....

[SweetGirl28]

Be honest---it crushed your ego.

You didn't have just the pure intentions of a new friendship in mind.

As a nurse myself, I don't want to interact with some of my coworkers, let alone a stranger.

And certainly not while I'm busy. shes taken, she probably felt uncomfortable with the interaction in front of others, so she acted as she did. Had she been sweet and nice, you would not have left her alone.

[figureitout23]

The amount of memes that are made about this EXACT situation, means this is a wide spread issue.

 

Some men simply come on too strong too early or simply don't take the 'not interested' hint.

 

Man: hey I gave you a chocolate bar you wanna go out some time?

 

Woman: I have a boyfriend and I'm at work.

 

Man: fine you stupid b****h, you ugly anyway, I was just trying to make friends.

 

I'm exaggerating of course but sadly only a little. Like alchemist said far to many think the nice guy 'act' entitles them to something and it doesnt

[thealchemist]

Well although rudeness isn't justified that doesn't change the fact that politeness isn't a right which everyone has when dealing with other humans.

 

You also cannot subjectively determine if you were creepy or not to another person.

 

It is an ineffable quality to most people.

 

Also, the traits you describe to counter her argument of being "creepy" don't matter.

 

No matter how polite and nice you are that makes little difference on perceived creepiness.

 

This is how I see it.

 

You had a romantic interest in this person from the start.

 

She was socialable and nice when she was just talking with you, and she thought it was just harmless.

 

But when you interacted with her again she realized you had ulterior motives.

 

So she was passively rude to give you her answer to your romantic interest probe.

 

But you can't really blame her for her passiveness. Because that is the exact same passiveness that you used to approach her and talk. With ulterior motives for romantic interest.

 

I am a very direct person and I find that people respond in kind to me. I love it.

 

I would have asked her on a date after a very short amount of dialog. So I state my intentions right off the bat. And getting rejected right off the bat or not leaves no question as to my motives.

 

If I saw the woman again I would have a conversation without a second thought but I wouldn't be trying to pursue her. So she wouldn't need to passively answer my passive question.

 

My opinion is that you approached her passively so she responded passively. Passively telling someone you aren't interested is very hard to do without being somewhat rude.

 

If you want directness then approach with it.

[Seraphim]

Why is this in “ dating” though if it was to build a friendship? She gave hints that she didn’t want to talk . Period.

[figureitout23]

You seem to be in the blindly defending men camp.

 

Yep, his hatred towards women is beyond evident. So this whole, 'I was a 33 year old virgin and then I was mean and I have to beat them off with a stick' is an utter and complete lie. Based on the many dudebro troll posts I've read here, I think it's safe to say he's still proudly holding that V card.

[IAmFCA]

Yep, his hatred towards women is beyond evident. So this whole, 'I was a 33 year old virgin and then I was mean and I have to beat them off with a stick' is an utter and complete lie. Based on the many dudebro troll posts I've read here, I think it's safe to say he's still proudly holding that V card.

 

And even if this is true, so what? The ideas of what it means to be a man, to be a woman, are so much more complex than whether someone has had sex.

 

What does it mean to be human?

[figureitout23]

And even if this is true, so what? The ideas of what it means to be a man, to be a woman, are so much more complex than whether someone has had sex.

 

What does it mean to be human?

 

You're absolutely right, but it doesn't take a genius to recognize his trolling is directly correlated to his lack of dating opportunities.

 

Men or women, I know ( should say knew) a 30 year old female virgin. If it's not by choice its something that can really mess with ya.

 

This externalization 'it's not my fault it's theirs' is typical in these types so it becomes the woman's fault and then BOOM, PUA is born, or in his case blatant lying. I'm not bringing up his sexual status as a random comment, HE keeps going on and on with this lie that the second he started being mean to women their vaginas fell open. That's bull.

[Jibralta]

That's kind of my point though. Nobody owes you a conversation. The cold "hi" was her putting a flashing red stop sign, stop, desist, do not proceed, not interested in talking to you. It was very loud and clear. There was no air to clear, you attempting more was pushing a boundary she put up. Your reaction is still, how could she decide not to want to talk to me and be cold. She can and did and she didn't owe you any explanation nor did she need anything from you other than to go away. You didn't.

 

I agree with this soooooooooooooooooo much. She probably took the chocolate out of politeness. NIN2000 read her "surprise" as thankfulness and eagerness, but it was probably actually an "Oh sh*t" reaction. She decided to accept the chocolate bar rather than create an awkward scene.

 

It all went wrong when she accepted the chocolate bar. She should have just been cold right off the bat. She's in the wrong there.

 

It all actually went wrong when he offered her the chocolate bar. He put her in the awkward position of accepting candy from a stranger. It would be a different situation if he was handing out candy to the whole department, but he singled her out because he thought she was cute and he liked her work ethic. Awkward. He thought she would take this as a compliment. Double awkward.

 

I get the sense that he is from another culture and not accustomed to responses like hers. But it is a very common response from women who do not enjoy being hit on.

[ThatwasThen]

Wasn't it Harvey Weinstein that was persistent in his NEED to have a woman return his attention?

 

She wasn't rude... she was aggressive because she felt she had to be to get you to go away, Op.

 

You might be a nice guy in general but you are a stranger to her and if she's had Harvey Weinstein types pursue her before then she's going to have a once burnt, twice shy attitude.

[Jibralta]

You don’t need to be rude to do what she said. Moreover, she doesn’t know me nor did she know where I️ was going. In our first conversation weeks ago it was 180 degree difference of behavior and I️ stared with a “hello”. She wasn’t rude and we spoke lots about work. There was no disrespect.

 

Have you ever approached a man and given him a gift in this way?

 

When you give a gift to one woman in crowd, she knows why you gave it to her.

 

If a man that you did not know came up to you, struck up a random conversation, and then handed you a gift of chocolate, how would you feel? You don't know him, nor do you know where he's going. And what if a couple weeks later, he walked up to you and asked you how that chocolate was? What if he subsequently asked you to go for some coffee? Is this a normal friendly gesture, or would you suspect that he might be interested in something beyond friendship?

[Jibralta]

She wasn't rude... she was aggressive because she felt she had to be to get you to go away, Op.

 

And he still doesn't understand, so she will continue to be aggressive if he approaches her again.

[Jibralta]

OP: "Oh hi, good to see again."

 

Her: "Oh, hi."

 

OP: "Did you enjoy that chocolate I gave you?"

 

Her: "Yes. That was kind of you, thank you."

 

OP: "So, I was wondering if you'd like to get some coffee."

 

Her: "No thanks. You seem like a nice guy but I have a boyfriend and I'm not interested."

 

He denies that he was hitting on her. If he was more forthcoming about his intentions, I agree that this would have been a good way for her to handle it. But he kept his intentions murky. There was no conversation about dating. So she cut through the crap and compensated for this ambiguity by being extremely clear about her intentions.

[katrina1980]

He denies that he was hitting on her. If he was more forthcoming about his intentions, I agree that this would have been a good way for her to handle it. But he kept his intentions murky. There was no conversation about dating. So she cut through the crap and compensated for this ambiguity by being extremely clear about her intentions.

 

Very true but another thing, we dont know how this actually all went down.

 

Krankor's scenario about how he approached is pure speculation, and although men might mean well when they approach, they actually have no idea how the woman is perceiving.

 

Just from reading his posts, he gives "me" a creepy vibe, imagine how this nurse must have felt actually being in his presence?

 

Something he's not getting is during the first convo weeks back, she was simply being polite. Friendly polite convo, nothing more nothing less.

 

When he showed up "again" something about him and his approach turned her off.

 

Could be nothing he specifically did or said, it was just his energy, his vibe.

 

Made her uncomfortable! And she reacted accordingly.

[SweetGirl28]

OP, in case you're wondering about her reply when you asked about the chocolate: what she really meant was that she threw it away

[Krankor]

He denies that he was hitting on her. If he was more forthcoming about his intentions, I agree that this would have been a good way for her to handle it. But he kept his intentions murky. There was no conversation about dating. So she cut through the crap and compensated for this ambiguity by being extremely clear about her intentions.

 

I don't think he's denying here that he was interested in her. I do think that after she rejected him he tried to save face by backpedalling a bit about just wanting to add her to the friends pile. But I also think that by the end there he understood she wasn't interested and really was just trying to clear the air.

 

I do get it; some men (and probably women) just get too pushy with their interest, don't take "no" for an answer, and force women to be rude and blunt. All I'm saying is that she didn't need to default to that right away. I can even understand why she did; she was probably thinking "I don't want to go through the whole rigamaroll with this guy; let me just shut all this down right now." But that's kind of inconsiderate. And no, she doesn't "owe" him anything, but I don't know why people have a hard time understanding why he was taken aback by her abrupt change between their two interactions. I really think many of the posters here maybe feel the need to justify women sometimes being rude to men who are interested; maybe thinking back to examples in their own lives dealing with a too pushy man. I just don't think it was warranted in this situation.

 

I do think it would have probably been best if at the end of their first conversation he would have just asked for her number instead of giving her a candy bar. I think he preferred to first continue to try to establish rapport and a connection before just flat out expressing his interest. I don't see that as manipulative or anything like that. I just see that as, well, an approach. I have to wonder though if he had asked for her number people here would have been like "Whoa, dude. Slow your roll. You just met the woman and she's at work." It sometimes seems as if a man who is interested in woman who isn't interested back is either too forward or too ambiguous which translates as "creepy."

[ThatwasThen]

I have to wonder though if he had asked for her number people here would have been like "Whoa, dude. Slow your roll. You just met the woman and she's at work."

Well, in my day, that's how it was done. He approached, he started a convo (if she was receptive] and then at the end of then night (or interaction) he asked for her number and then phoned her for a date. Now, with all this texting ad-nauseum and all this electronic superficial getting to know you, yes, I think (some) women would find it too forward.