My partner is obsessed about my previous relationships

[Wise Owl]

My partner and I have been together for about 18 months and are in the process of moving in together with a view to buying a house this year. We are both in our late 50s/early 60s. Things have been moving pretty fast but he has recently become totally obsessive about my past relationships, saying that if we want to spend the rest of our lives together he has the right to know all the ins and out of my previous relationship including details of our sex life and reading emails/text threads I had with my ex's. Although I feel it is important to be open about previous relationships to an extent, in particular why things went wrong, this to me is totally over the top! I feel that any text exchange is a private matter between two people who were close at the time, and which happened in the past, in my case more than 4 years ago or more. And as for the sex life - I'd rather keep that private too. My partner has not had any relationship since his wife left him more than 10 years until he met me, but I had three since my husband passed away around the same time, hoping they would work out but sadly they didn't. He makes me feel really bad about it, and the fact that I entered into a relationship with these men without being fully committed to them on a long-term basis, and keeps questioning me why I did so, and why I carried on with them for that long.... it's a real inquisition on a daily basis. This is all putting a total strain onto our relationship and I feel completely drained from all this. He says he does too but can't stop thinking about my past. What would you advise, does he have the right to know everything?

[Wiseman2]

Slow down and do not get hustled into moving in together. He is already exhibiting some red flags for an abusive personality. This includes fast involvement. Fast moving in together. Fast getting you to sell your home and reinvest in another. Demanding access to something he has no right to. Using guilt and shame to manipulate and control you. Beating you up daily with interrogations. Run from this guy asap. Talk to trusted friends and family about what's going on behind the scenes. Get therapy if you need it. Do not step into this mess that will only get worse as he destroys your confidence, independence and possibly your financial status.

My partner and I have been together for about 18 months. He makes me feel really bad.... it's a real inquisition on a daily basis. I feel completely drained from all this.

[DancingFool]

Yikes! No he has no right to any of this information. His behavior is a HUGE red flag and that's putting it politely. I actually agree with Wiseman above that you need to put an immediate stop on all the moving in together/buying a house and getting financially tied in with him plans. He is definitely exhibiting some very seriously disturbed, abuser type behavior. Beating you down into exhaustion over something that is absolutely none of his business......that's just too much, OP. Get your stuff and get out asap. Sounds to me like you are seeing his real colors just barely in time to run. Barely in time......but thankfully in time.

[reinventmyself]

. Things have been moving pretty fast but he has recently become totally obsessive about my past relationships, saying that if we want to spend the rest of our lives together he has the right to know all the ins and out of my previous relationship including details of our sex life and reading emails/text threads I had with my ex's.

 

first and foremost. . He may have some twisted unhealthy desire to know but he absolutely does not have any right to know.

 

It sounds like you've been transparent about things and in some ways it is good to know someone's history in a general sense but his request is a massive red flag.

You added that things were moving rather fast as well.

My advise is to tell him he doesn't have the right and you will no longer discuss intimate details of your past. Period.

And if he pushes the issue I'd rethink moving in this man.

 

Sorry. .but your post just made my short hairs stand up.

 

I think this is a bad sign of future things to come. There is something extremely unhealthy with his preoccupation and demands.

It's a symptom of something much larger lurking beneath. Is he controlling or insecure in other ways?

 

Be thankful this flushed to the surface before you bought the house and not after.

I hope you two are able to work past this.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I’m worried for you! You should probably wait before moving in. Or not move in at all. If all he does is think about your past and gives you a hard time about it- that is a huge red flag. Even if you tell him every little detail, he won't stop bothering you. It’s funny (not funny really, more like interesting), that the more I read the postings on this site and I see emails like this, I see so much of the same things that my ex fiance/my daughters father used to do. He would constantly harp on things that didn't matter and would constantly question me about things that didn't matter, to the point where it was emotionally draining. It was not until I left that I realized that is NOT a normally, healthy relationship. I think you should leave him now before you move in, and maybe contact one of your exes again. I don't know anything about them, but you don't want a person like this in your life, or in your house. I remember when I lived with my ex, I didn't even want to go home, it had gotten that bad.

[Keyman]

It sounds like he took a massive hit since his wife left him 10 years ago and now he is getting into a deeper relationship, wants to make sure that doesn't happen again.

 

But, he does not have the right to demand this information from you. He may not be this abusive person that some are suggesting, but there are distinct issues and insecurities there likely from this event 10 years ago. And as he has grown in age, he has likely struggled to work through this depression and grief caused then. Unfortunately, he might well lose this relationship if he is not careful.

 

You need to be telling him that if he cannot accept that your past is yours and let it go, then likely his future is not going to be yours either. He is going to end up the 4th relationship that didn't work out since your husband's passing.

[DancingFool]

Also, with people like that, IF you make the mistake of caving into his demands, it will be like opening Pandora's box. He will become even more obsessed, insecure and will have soooo much ammo to hold over your head and punish you with and judge you with. I hope that you end this relationship, but if you don't, you better get very very good at holding boundaries at all costs. As you are finding out, he will push and push and push relentlessly and giving in will just make things that much worse. If you think this is bad, wait until he finds out something about your past sex life, latches onto something he disapproves of you doing and starts hounding you and punishing you over that. If you stick around this man, you are in for major rough waters ahead.

[Wiseman2]

2 things. Why did his wife leave him and why won't anyone else get involved with him? Food for thought, don't ask him this.

My partner has not had any relationship since his wife left him more than 10 years

[Hollyj]

I would put the breaks on this. He has no right or reason to know any of this.

 

You are seeing your future. Get rid of this guy! he sounds like he has some major issues.

 

Controlling, manipulative and insecure: abusive

[LondonLad83]

The way i see it is providing a bit of info about any serious relationships is reasonable but wanting to read text messages and the full details? No. That can only bring pain and awkwardness. He's probably asking for stuff he won't want to know. Even if everything is perfectly ok, why would you let's say want to read a text exchange where you're in love with someone else? The moving in thing seems really soon if this is what he's like.

 

I'd try to re assure him that you have nothing to hide but you're interested in him now, and have no wish to dig up the past because it's the past and you no longer want to give any time to that. What's important is that you're both committed NOW.

[Starlight925]

My partner and I have been together for about 18 months and are in the process of moving in together with a view to buying a house this year.

 

This sounds all wonderful and romantic, doesn't it? Like a movie....we are so ecstatic together, and he wants to buy a house with me!

 

You are old enough to hear the truth, and old enough to know better. (I can say "old enough", because I'm in your age range, at 55).

 

Questions:

1) Do either of you currently own? If so, how would you deal with your current homes? Sell? Rent?

 

2) Do you have any idea what his credit rating is? His financial picture? His income? His balance sheet? No, these are not materialistic, gold-digger type questions, but rather important financial considerations before putting your name, legally and financially, with someone else's.

 

3) Do you have a prenup, or any sort of living-together legal document? Or is he open to that? Have you hired an attorney? (strongly encouraged)

 

4) Why do you feel the need to move in together? How far apart do you currently live? Why can't you spend the next couple of years shuttling between homes and get to know each other better? Do you feel he is "pushing" you to do so?

 

All of the advice you've already received is excellent. These are abusive tactics. I know, he treats you like a queen, you're his soulmate, he wines and dines you. But wanting to quickly (18 months is quick) isolate you physically and financially, while giving you the third degree about your previous partners are glaring red flag warning signs.

[Betterwithout]

Firstly, you should be very happy you found this site and went with your gut instinct to post this topic. The wonderful people above have already responded to you with care and consideration and street smarts.

 

What you currently have is not a loving, trusting, and fun start to a relationship. It sounds like a very difficult relationship. Take the advice, no second guessing (trust your gut on this one!) and develop your exit plan.

 

You will look back and breath a sigh of relief. You can also find a way to ask him to see a therapist for his behaviour.

Wish you the best of luck.

[maynards_razorblade69]

Please don't put up with this. I'm struggling to move on from making much the same move as you with a very similar-sounding chap. As soon as I moved in with him, he became extremely jealous, controlling and paranoid. It started off much the same as you've described and slowly he isolated me from everyone. Exes to begin with, despite them being very platonic friendships now from 10 years ago. Then friends he disapproved of. Then family. None of his "tactics" were obvious. He would sulk most of the time and his body language would suggest he was extremely angry, even though when I asked him what was wrong, he'd say "nothing". I lived in constant fear of the next time he would "explode" with rage, which happened rarely, but happened. Counselling sessions later, I discovered he was a covert narcissist and I haven't looked back. Look this term up and, if you notice any of the same behaviours, run (please).

 

Your partner is manipulating you. He has no right to know the details of your relationships. What you have done/chosen/experienced in your past is your business and your decision to share. Think of him like he's your best friend: would your best friend demand to know details of your past? Ask to see text messages? Become "obsessed" with it? Probably not – and neither should the person you live with. Being open and honest with someone about your past relationships includes telling them why it ended, when it ended and what you learned from the experience. Nothing more, unless you choose to share it. My concern is that he's wondering how quickly he can get you under his thumb (in a "committed" relationship with him, living with him, totally under his control) by asking you these questions. Of course, I'm biased through my own experience, but I see so many red flags here.

 

Before I met my partner I owned my own home, had an incredible job and a wide variety of interesting, fun friends. Now we're over, I'm living with my parents, no house, I lost my job (he didn't like me mixing with male colleagues) and a few friends (I wasn't allowed to see them on important events, such as their weddings). I wish I'd seen more clearly. Please don't end up like me.

 

Final thought: listen to your gut. It's not wrong. I repeat: it's really NOT wrong.

[Hollyj]

The way i see it is providing a bit of info about any serious relationships is reasonable but wanting to read text messages and the full details? No. That can only bring pain and awkwardness. He's probably asking for stuff he won't want to know. Even if everything is perfectly ok, why would you let's say want to read a text exchange where you're in love with someone else? The moving in thing seems really soon if this is what he's like.

 

I'd try to re assure him that you have nothing to hide but you're interested in him now, and have no wish to dig up the past because it's the past and you no longer want to give any time to that. What's important is that you're both committed NOW.

 

This is a deep-rooted issues. This guy has MAJOR insecurities. This does not change, it gets worse. And, to want to purchase property, knowing this, is insane.

[melancholy123]

There's a hundred red flags waving at you. Please read all the posts here and take heed. This is not a guy you want to move in with and he has no right at all to ask and demand you tell him such personal things that have ZERO to do with him. If I was you, I'd be out the door and down the road immediately.

[LondonLad83]

This is a deep-rooted issues. This guy has MAJOR insecurities. This does not change, it gets worse. And, to want to purchase property, knowing this, is insane.

 

I agree it's not a good idea to purchase property together. But I'd at least give it a shot to see if you could resolve some of the issues and see how he responds. But yeah it doesn't bode well..

 

I just say that because I had some insecurity issues which I'm much much better at now. Not to the point where I wanted to see messages to previous partners but I still let things really effect me, and now I hardly do, even when being seriously tested which I am at the minute. However I've tried helping other people resolve their issues and it's not worked..

[Hollyj]

I agree it's not a good idea to purchase property together. But I'd at least give it a shot to see if you could resolve some of the issues and see how he responds. But yeah it doesn't bode well..

 

I just say that because I had some insecurity issues which I'm much much better at now. Not to the point where I wanted to see messages to previous partners but I still let things really effect me, and now I hardly do, even when being seriously tested which I am at the minute. However I've tried helping other people resolve their issues and it's not worked..

 

Sorry, don't agree! This guy has high insecurities and trust issues. He is also extremely controlling. It woulds take YEARS of treatment, and HE would have to be the one to acknowledge that there is a problem.

[metrogirl]

I never would have guessed you guys were 50/60ish. This is more like 20/30ish behavior. Either way it isn't healthy and he needs to knock it off.

[DanZee]

We've seen people write in to ENA saying once they told their boyfriends/husbands about all of their previous exes they became extremely jealous and threw it in their faces at every opportunity, basically dishing up loads of emotional abuse. If you continue having a relationship with this guy, keep him at arm's length. You may not want to move in with him and certainly don't buy a house with him. The guy will turn insanely jealous. What's in the past is in the past.

[catfeeder]

This won't get any better if you move in with BF, it would only get worse. Skip that. Consider yourself lucky that he's shown you this problem now, and do the smart thing by walking away. Dial any of the domestic violence hotlines to confirm the enormity of this problem and don't be fooled into believing that you can fix the guy.