Dating

[Maddyb12]

Hello all,

 

I have been seeing someone the last two weeks, everything had been going pretty great I thought. Last night we went out and we went bowling and he invited his two brothers and their girlfriends. I’ll be honest and admit i kind of shut down, it was too much for me and felt awkward but regardless it was fun still. He was holding my hand, had his arm around me etc. We made out a little before I drove home and he asked me to text him when i got home to make sure i made it etc. today he lays on the “I see you more as a friend” text. Basically said he wanted to do it now vs later which i respect. With me I’ve noticed it’s the rejection that really gets to me. I was unsure about him anyways but now I️ feel like i want to be with him and am so sad that he’s the one to pull the trigger. Feel like ill never find someone. Kicking myself for whatever it was that I️ did wrong.

[thorough]

Hello all,

 

I have been seeing someone the last two weeks, everything had been going pretty great I thought. Last night we went out and we went bowling and he invited his two brothers and their girlfriends. I’ll be honest and admit i kind of shut down, it was too much for me and felt awkward but regardless it was fun still. He was holding my hand, had his arm around me etc. We made out a little before I drove home and he asked me to text him when i got home to make sure i made it etc. today he lays on the “I see you more as a friend” text. Basically said he wanted to do it now vs later which i respect. With me I’ve noticed it’s the rejection that really gets to me. I was unsure about him anyways but now I️ feel like i want to be with him and am so sad that he’s the one to pull the trigger. Feel like ill never find someone. Kicking myself for whatever it was that I️ did wrong.

 

I understand your pain, I was there not too long ago. The thing that would get to me is the guys acting like they want a relationship. then laying down some excuse why we couldn't date. The best thing to do is go into dating w/out a single expectation, that way you don't get excited too soon. I don't think you did anything wrong because if the guy really liked you, he wouldn't friend zone you. Good luck, head held high.

[Maddyb12]

He keeps texting saying how amazing i am and honestly it’s just condescending

[Hollyj]

You didn't do anything wrong, there simply isn't a romantic connection. You barely know this guy, you need to get that ego in check.

 

keep on dating, and I am sure you will meet someone soon.

 

If you can't be friends, then just block him.

[MissCanuck]

Why do you assume you did something wrong? As Holly said, it sounds like there just wasn't a romantic spark.

 

Ask him to please stop texting you now. If he doesn't, block him.

[Zippy2000]

I’ll be honest and admit i kind of shut down, it was too much for me and felt awkward but regardless it was fun still. He was holding my hand, had his arm around me etc..............................I’ve noticed it’s the rejection that really gets to me. I was unsure about him anyways but now I️ feel like i want to be with him and am so sad that he’s the one to pull the trigger. Feel like ill never find someone. Kicking myself for whatever it was that I️ did wrong.

 

Isnt this what you call "you cant have what you want" and as you cant it you want it EVEN more?

 

Its happened to me where I dated a girl who I wasn't really into until she left. When she left I wanted her more!

 

Dating is never easy and he`s probably done you a favour by letting you go earlier than leaving it months down the line where you are more invested.

[Wiseman2]

You did nothing wrong. He and his friends may have picked up on this:

I was unsure about him

[Tinydance]

Well unless you can specifically think of anything you may have done wrong then you probably didn't do anything? I actually agree with you that it was a bit full on that he invited both his brothers AND their girlfriends out with you as your relationship was so new and it was way too early to meet the family. Maybe he wasn't sure if he was into you and wanted the brothers' opinions, who knows...I'm sorry this happened but it's probably nothing personal and the guy just wasn't feeling the spark.

[katrina1980]

I am hardpressed to understand how and why you would expect a man, whom YOU were unsure of yourself, to continue pursuing you romantically.

 

He wasn't "feeling" it, nor were YOU.

 

But now, because *he* was real enough to say it first, versus stringing you along, which apparently you were planning on doing to him, suddenly you're sad and hurt.

 

Guarantee that if he changed his mind and wanted to date you again, you would be back to being "unsure" of him.

 

Maddy I have read enough of your posts to recognize that you are an avoidant.

 

Different face, same story, with virtually every guy you've posted about (from what I have read).

 

Isn't this getting old for you?

 

It might behoove you to explore this within or with the help of a qualified therapist.

[Maddyb12]

I wasn’t planning on doing it, at two weeks i don’t expect to have a huge spark i feel like that comes as you build and grow a connection. The reason I felt I did something wrong was because it went from him seeming so interested to all of a sudden a “i just wanna be friends text”

[katrina1980]

I wasn’t planning on doing it, at two weeks i don’t expect to have a huge spark i feel like that comes as you build and grow a connection. The reason I felt I did something wrong was because it went from him seeming so interested to all of a sudden a “i just wanna be friends text”

 

He was most likely infatuated at first, as he continued to spend time with you, realized the "chemistry" either wasn't there or not strong enough for him to want to continue on in a romantic context.

 

As anther posted suggested, he may have sensed "your" uncertainty which may come off to him as "disinterest", which affected his interest.

 

Two weeks is more than enough time to determine whether or not you're feeling it with someone.

 

Most people feel it immediately or at least by the second or third date tops.

 

How many dates did you have within that two week period?

 

In any event, it's best to not dwell on what you did "wrong."

 

After two weeks, a few dates, he realized he wasn't feeling it, nor were you, if you don't wish to be "friends" wish him well and move on.

[Sportster2005]

Hello all,

 

I have been seeing someone the last two weeks, everything had been going pretty great I thought. Last night we went out and we went bowling and he invited his two brothers and their girlfriends. I’ll be honest and admit i kind of shut down, it was too much for me and felt awkward but regardless it was fun still. He was holding my hand, had his arm around me etc. We made out a little before I drove home and he asked me to text him when i got home to make sure i made it etc. today he lays on the “I see you more as a friend” text. Basically said he wanted to do it now vs later which i respect. With me I’ve noticed it’s the rejection that really gets to me. I was unsure about him anyways but now I️ feel like i want to be with him and am so sad that he’s the one to pull the trigger. Feel like ill never find someone. Kicking myself for whatever it was that I️ did wrong.

 

What angries up my blood is people thinking they did something wrong. You did not do something wrong. Most people we meet are going to reject us. They're just not into us. Why, doesn't matter. But we are not doing anything wrong. Be yourself, if people don't appreciate you, then you're just a bad match. That's it. Stop taking rejection personal. It's hard. But once you realise your self worth has nothing to do with other people's perceptions, life will be more peaceful. You're doing fine.

[katrina1980]

Maddy, I'll be honest with you.

 

I have seen your photo and you are a very pretty girl.

 

Your looks may be enough to pull a man initially, but as time goes on, you (or any woman) needs more than that to hold him.

 

If you are uncertain, which to him indicates low interest, he is gonna sense that and it will affect "his" interest in you.

 

Your body language, how you kiss him, how you interact and respond to him, everything. His friends may have picked up on that too.

 

Since you admit you were uncertain (low interest), that is most likely why *he* lost interest. In my opinion.

 

Not all guys wish to "chase" women with low interest. It gets old.

 

If this is what you expect, then you need to change your mind frame.

[Maddyb12]

Maddy, I'll be honest with you.

 

I have seen your photo and you are a very pretty girl.

 

Your looks may be enough to pull a man initially, but as time goes on, you (or any woman) needs more than that to hold him.

 

If you are uncertain, which to him indicates low interest, he is gonna sense that and it will affect "his" interest in you.

 

Your body language, how you kiss him, how you interact and respond to him, everything. His friends may have picked up on that too.

 

Since you admit you were uncertain (low interest), that is most likely why *he* lost interest. In my opinion.

 

Not all guys wish to "chase" women with low interest. It gets old.

 

If this is what you expect, then you need to change your mind frame.

 

Thank you.

 

I am a shy person especially at first and I had mentioned that so it surprised me he invited his brothers and their girlfriends on our third date. I recognize I️ kinda shut down and I️ was awkward as well but it was too much for me too soon. It upsets me because that’s not a reflection on how I really am it just took me by surprise and I️ got nervous and he’s basing his decision off of that. You are probably right, my body language etc that night probably played a huge part in him deciding to not take it any further.

[Batya33]

Thank you.

 

I am a shy person especially at first and I had mentioned that so it surprised me he invited his brothers and their girlfriends on our third date. I recognize I️ kinda shut down and I️ was awkward as well but it was too much for me too soon. It upsets me because that’s not a reflection on how I really am it just took me by surprise and I️ got nervous and he’s basing his decision off of that. You are probably right, my body language etc that night probably played a huge part in him deciding to not take it any further.

 

Yes- sometimes people really don't get what it means and feels like to be shy. So if you had an interview for your dream job and it turned out it was a group interview which is not your forte, would you shut down and simply give yourself a pass because you're "shy" and expect to be hired? These are first impressions so it's your job if you want to date someone who enjoys occasionally going out in groups to fake it till you make it. It is a reflection of who you really are in the sense that who you really are in the beginning is very first impression/moment to moment.

 

My husband used to be very shy and is fairly reserved. But he went out of his comfort zone way back when to ask me out, to be social on the date, to introduce me to his friends and meet mine, etc. And when we were dating about 6 months i let him convince me to go on a rollercoaster at disney world - which was really scary for me and I'd only been on one once as a small child. But you have to do that in positive ways if you want a relationship. No you should not compromise your values, and yes we're all entitled to boundaries but please push the envelope more.

 

Having said all that how you acted/reacted may have nothing to do with his decision. After three dates and only two weeks many people change their minds for very little reasons. Sorry you are disappointed.

[Hollyj]

I am hardpressed to understand how and why you would expect a man, whom YOU were unsure of yourself, to continue pursuing you romantically.

 

He wasn't "feeling" it, nor were YOU.

 

But now, because *he* was real enough to say it first, versus stringing you along, which apparently you were planning on doing to him, suddenly you're sad and hurt.

 

Guarantee that if he changed his mind and wanted to date you again, you would be back to being "unsure" of him.

 

Maddy I have read enough of your posts to recognize that you are an avoidant.

 

Different face, same story, with virtually every guy you've posted about (from what I have read).

 

Isn't this getting old for you?

 

It might behoove you to explore this within or with the help of a qualified therapist.

 

Great advice. Maddy, it is about you!

[Hollyj]

Thank you.

 

I am a shy person especially at first and I had mentioned that so it surprised me he invited his brothers and their girlfriends on our third date. I recognize I️ kinda shut down and I️ was awkward as well but it was too much for me too soon. It upsets me because that’s not a reflection on how I really am it just took me by surprise and I️ got nervous and he’s basing his decision off of that. You are probably right, my body language etc that night probably played a huge part in him deciding to not take it any further.

 

There is a pattern here. Not just this night.

[figureitout23]

Thank you.

 

I am a shy person especially at first and I had mentioned that so it surprised me he invited his brothers and their girlfriends on our third date. I recognize I️ kinda shut down and I️ was awkward as well but it was too much for me too soon. It upsets me because that’s not a reflection on how I really am it just took me by surprise and I️ got nervous and he’s basing his decision off of that. You are probably right, my body language etc that night probably played a huge part in him deciding to not take it any further.

 

And that's ok, you are who you are. You were uncomfortable.

 

I think what people are pointing is your dating pattern. Where you don't want them until they don't want you.

[Starlight925]

Did you know his brothers and their girlfriends were going to be there? Or had he asked you/let you know beforehand?

 

I gotta say, at just two weeks, this would be a difficult situation to be put into, especially something like bowling, where you really don't even get the time or opportunity to have a real conversation with anyone.

 

That would be a turnoff to me, to put me in front of 4 members of his "team"/family, so quickly.

[Sportster2005]

It upsets me because that’s not a reflection on how I really am it just took me by surprise and I️ got nervous and he’s basing his decision off of that. You are probably right, my body language etc that night probably played a huge part in him deciding to not take it any further.

 

How do you know what he's basing it on? You have absolutely no idea. Humans are horrible mind readers. Could be your body language, could be your hair, could be this, could be that. Stop beating yourself up. Many, many people don't get past three or four dates.

[reinventmyself]

How do you know what he's basing it on? You have absolutely no idea. Humans are horrible mind readers. Could be your body language, could be your hair, could be this, could be that. Stop beating yourself up. Many, many people don't get past three or four dates.

 

It's moments like this I like to turn it around and remember the really nice guys I didn't, for what ever reason, feel that special spark with.

It doesn't take anything away from who they were and honestly, there has been a couple of times I really wished I had felt differently.

 

So, that's ok. He didn't feel that special spark with you. Shake it off and hold out for someone who does. Attraction and chemistry is funny that way.

 

And remember this moment when you are sitting across from man who likes you and you are not able to reciprocate the same in return.

 

If you are suddenly wanting someone who rejected you, who you didn't really care for to begin with, it's a sign that you need to work on your self esteem some.

It's not about wanting `him'. What you are feeling is the rejection and internalizing it to be something wrong with you. And that's just not the case.

 

Dating is hard sometimes. Don't go about it without your self worth in check.

[Maddyb12]

I know it’s not the end of the world and it happens just has been a tough two months in the dating world for me. Like others have mentioned it seems i always want what I can’t have. But i spent 8 months last year in a very healthy relationship we ended out of nowhere and he went right back to the ex he claimed i didn’t ever have to worry about. I am working on myself, joined a gym and weight loss challenge group and have already lost 8 lbs in two weeks, the insecurities I’m tackling. I wasn’t planning on dating but i was set up with him through my cousin out of nowhere so i went with it. Bummer cause it felt the chemistry and connection was there when we were alone but not in the group setting. I️ also recognize i need to learn not to get my hopes up..

[LootieTootie]

I know it’s not the end of the world and it happens just has been a tough two months in the dating world for me. Like others have mentioned it seems i always want what I can’t have. But i spent 8 months last year in a very healthy relationship we ended out of nowhere and he went right back to the ex he claimed i didn’t ever have to worry about. I am working on myself, joined a gym and weight loss challenge group and have already lost 8 lbs in two weeks, the insecurities I’m tackling. I wasn’t planning on dating but i was set up with him through my cousin out of nowhere so i went with it. Bummer cause it felt the chemistry and connection was there when we were alone but not in the group setting. I️ also recognize i need to learn not to get my hopes up..

 

You are probably a one on one basis type which I can totally relate with. When you date family or friend-oriented individuals, SO will try to see how well you mesh with them early on. If you really like SO... Try to adjust. Be as sociable and likable as possible and even if a person gives you a nonresponse, don't stop being sociable, likable and engaging. In the end, at least you can said you gave it a good try.

 

Keep with working on yourself. :)

[Batya33]

I know it’s not the end of the world and it happens just has been a tough two months in the dating world for me. Like others have mentioned it seems i always want what I can’t have. But i spent 8 months last year in a very healthy relationship we ended out of nowhere and he went right back to the ex he claimed i didn’t ever have to worry about. I am working on myself, joined a gym and weight loss challenge group and have already lost 8 lbs in two weeks, the insecurities I’m tackling. I wasn’t planning on dating but i was set up with him through my cousin out of nowhere so i went with it. Bummer cause it felt the chemistry and connection was there when we were alone but not in the group setting. I️ also recognize i need to learn not to get my hopes up..

 

Yes, dating requires a thick skin and people who are fit/in good physical shape often do better out in the dating scene. (And it's not "just" looks -they often have more energy to participate in all sorts of physical/outdoor activities and carry themselves with more confidence).