my BF treats live-in employee like GF

[Pitmom61]

When my BF's employee fell on hard times emotionally and financially, she had been sleeping on our couch several nights a week. I felt really bad for her and decided to let her move in with us for half the rent she had been (trying to) pay at her apartment. Since then, she has attached herself to my BF like a leech. She sold her car and he drives her to work and back every day and also on errands, etc. He pays for her lunch every day, cigarettes, etc too. She is with him 24 hours a day. He and I have no time alone EVER. Last year she decided she was in love with him and told me they were sleeping together (a lie) to try and make me leave him. She is always late/short with the rent and doesn't contribute anything to the household (her dog lives with us too, which prevents me from getting another dog since my pit died last year). Her dog also is destructive and has chewed up 4 pairs of my eyeglasses and countless other items of mine which she never offers to replace.

 

My BF says I am being ridiculous and that she is like a daughter to him. He says she is a good person and he has hope for her. I don't see why that means I have to sacrifice my home, life and relationship to help her out. I have told him that she has to leave, but he refuses to ask her to do so because she has no money and no car and nowhere to go. I did throw her out last year when she lied about sleeping with him, but let her move back in after she came crawling back apologizing and saying she had lied out of jealousy of our close relationship. However, things have only gotten worse. Even when they get home from work, she sticks to him like glue; if he watches TV in the living room, so does she. She will never go to her room until he does. They make ME feel like a fifth wheel so I go to bed and they sit up together. I can't stand her or her dog at this point.

 

Another problem is that my BF's daughter absolutely hates this girl and has refused to communicate with her father for about 6 months because of what is going on and what she sees as her father betraying me.

 

I'm sure everyone will say "what the F is wrong with you? JUST KICK HER OUT." It's not that simple or easy. My BF would not allow it, he said he would move out himself first. , right? And he also constantly tells me how much he loves me and how important I am to him. (Words are one thing, actions are another.) This girl has nothing at all - but I really think she keeps it that way on purpose so that he feels sorry for her and continues to pay for everything for her. I am at the end of my rope and I can't figure out how to lose her and keep him.

[rosephase]

It sounds like it's time for you to move out. You can't MAKE him do anything he doesn't want to do. All you can do is put up boundaries for yourself. Give him a time line: If she doesn't move out by X time, then I am moving out. Until then you can ask him to stand up and MAKE alone time for you. Have a date night or two a week where you are doing things alone together. If he isn't up for both of those options I would say he isn't up for being in a relationship with you. His connection to this woman is more important then your comfort in your own home... that isn't someone worth staying with.

[Wiseman2]

She has a job. Let her get a place with family, friends or roommates. Whose place is it? Can you move out? They clearly are more than coworkers or "like a daughter".

he drives her to work and back every day.

[shessofly]

Sounds like it's you or her, and he will pick her. Your bf has very clearly prioritized this woman over your relationship (and even his daughter apparently). What's the age difference?

 

If roles were reversed I doubt your bf would be so dismissive..

[indea08]

I would've left the loser long ago. Do you have any self respect or don't you? Handle the situation. She leaves within 1 week or relationship terminated. Period.

 

Why would you want to keep a guy who does this to you? Value yourself more than that!

[DancingFool]

Good grief but this has gone way too far for too long. As already pointed out, she has friends, family, etc. She also works, so what's the problem here? She is not your or your bf's responsibility. Unfortunately, just like she has latched on to him, HE, your bf, has equally latched on to her. To put it simply, he has the white knight syndrome and "saving" this chic makes him feel good and like a big important man. That feeling is more important to him than your relationship or even his daughter....... He isn't being nice, he is being selfish to the extreme.

 

All you can do is put your foot down, tell him he has 30 days to send her packing or you and him are done. Mean it and actively look for a place for yourself and move out on day 30. Count on the fact that you will need to actually go that far for him to maybe wake up and realize that his behavior has some very real consequences. Of course, be prepared for the idea that this is really over and he won't lift a finger to fix things, but would rather stay with this chic. I mean......his daughter quit speaking with him and that's not enough for him to wake up....... There comes a point where you need to treat yourself better than to put up with this sh$t and call it a day on this.

[Pitmom61]

Good grief but this has gone way too far for too long. As already pointed out, she has friends, family, etc. She also works, so what's the problem here? She is not your or your bf's responsibility. Unfortunately, just like she has latched on to him, HE, your bf, has equally latched on to her. To put it simply, he has the white knight syndrome and "saving" this chic makes him feel good and like a big important man. That feeling is more important to him than your relationship or even his daughter....... He isn't being nice, he is being selfish to the extreme.

 

All you can do is put your foot down, tell him he has 30 days to send her packing or you and him are done. Mean it and actively look for a place for yourself and move out on day 30. Count on the fact that you will need to actually go that far for him to maybe wake up and realize that his behavior has some very real consequences. Of course, be prepared for the idea that this is really over and he won't lift a finger to fix things, but would rather stay with this chic. I mean......his daughter quit speaking with him and that's not enough for him to wake up....... There comes a point where you need to treat yourself better than to put up with this sh$t and call it a day on this.

 

YES - he has ALWAYS had white knight syndrome. He's "rescued" many other youngsters, but never gone to these extremes. It WAS my idea to have her move in with us because we needed the financial help at the time, but I had no ideea what it would turn into, obviously. It's our home, we have been living here (and together) for 4 years. We were in contract to buy a house together last year but it fell through. I did tell him a few months ago that I would have to move out if he wasn't willing to make a choice, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately. It's not what I want, and it would be very difficult - if not impossible - for me financially. I hate what our life has become because of this girl. (She's 30, he's 50, I'm 56.)

[annie24]

Yeah, this situation isn't cool. :o There are way too many boundary lines being crossed here. :o I think that it's not your bf's place as her employer to let her crash on the couch. I don't know what kinds of resources there are at work, but it would be more appropriate for the company to offer some help (either financially or helping her find cheaper housing) rather than this nonsense situation. I would wonder what is really going on in that situation.

 

I think it's time that either she goes or you go.

[boltnrun]

If you told him a few months ago but didn't follow through, he has no reason to believe you now. The only thing that will get his attention is action.

 

But you should at least be understanding of her financial situation if you are also dependent on your boyfriend to help you pay the rent.

 

What are your options? Family, friends, find a roommate for a shared apartment? Because if you allow yourself to remain stuck for financial reasons, the way things are now are the way they will stay forever.

[DancingFool]

YES - he has ALWAYS had white knight syndrome. He's "rescued" many other youngsters, but never gone to these extremes. It WAS my idea to have her move in with us because we needed the financial help at the time, but I had no ideea what it would turn into, obviously. It's our home, we have been living here (and together) for 4 years. We were in contract to buy a house together last year but it fell through. I did tell him a few months ago that I would have to move out if he wasn't willing to make a choice, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately. It's not what I want, and it would be very difficult - if not impossible - for me financially. I hate what our life has become because of this girl. (She's 30, he's 50, I'm 56.)

 

Sadly, given the current situation, it might actually have been lucky for you that you are not tied into a house with him. You were OK with temporary and boundaries, NOT this extreme ongoing nonsense. At this point you are dealing with a squatter and I doubt that was your idea. On top of that, this is a 30 year old adult woman - she knows what she is doing and she is manipulating the both of you at will.

 

You mentioned that you did throw her out when she claimed to have been sleeping with your bf. Why can't you throw her out now? You also need to consider why you allowed her to return. I know you said she was begging and crying, but....seriously.....who cares.... She crossed too many boundaries even back then. If this your home as much as his, as in your are both on the lease, then you have say so in this just as much as he does. Still, after all this I'd be seriously considering if I want to continue with this man. His judgment seems impaired and his priorities aren't where they should be....and that's putting it politely.

[Pitmom61]

So BF and his "employee" got home at 1:30 am, no call or text letting me know how late he'd be (this was after I'd called him at 6 pm to ask and he rushed me off the phone and said he'd touch base later - not). He came into our bedroom to change, accused me of having an attitude because I didn't say anything except hi. Then was a sh*t this morning when I tried to talk to him about running himself into the ground in order to provide when he was neglecting the things he was trying to provide for. And no, I didn't say it in an accusing way, just concerned. He snapped at me that I "don't get it" and how business comes first. I asked what was it for when the things he was trying to make money were being destroyed and might not even be there when he got around to making time for them? He said he didn't know. And the entire time Miss Employee of The Month was hanging around us, not even giving us the decency one one fr*cking second of privacy. I really can't take much more.

 

No, I have not made a decision. I'm just venting right now because I feel like I'm going to explode. I've told him over and over again that all I ask for is a couple of SECONDS once or twice a day in the form of a text, just say "It's crazy up here, I miss you" or ANYTHING. But even that is too much to ask. And THAT is total and complete BS. SO angry right now.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately his mistress lives with you and they are having an affair in your home and you are turning a blind eye to this because of your fear of being alone or surviving financially. Do you work?

So BF and his "employee" got home at 1:30 am, no call or text letting me know how late he'd be. I tried to talk to him about running himself into the ground in order to provide when he was neglecting the things he was trying to provide for.

[Pitmom61]

Unfortunately his mistress lives with you and they are having an affair in your home and you are turning a blind eye to this because of your fear of being alone or surviving financially. Do you work?

 

I work full time from home, 15 years with the same company. Unfortunately under a mountain of debt, however.

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry with this added info I have to agree with wiseman....you have his mistress living with you and you are totally turning a willful blind eye to this bs.

 

Do yourself a favor and don't have cryptic conversations and arguments early in the morning. He was being a sh$t to you because of guilt. He knows what he did behind your back and being a sh$t to you is a way to distance himself emotionally and alleviate guilt. So don't give him fuel by nagging at him. Make a decision, sit down and talk to him calmly and away from his mistress. Go to a coffee shop, park, anywhere really. Tell him straight up that his game is up. Either she is gone or you are. He has 30 days. You won't say another word to him about it and stick to it. Being angry and driving yourself nuts won't help you.

[DancingFool]

I work full time from home, 15 years with the same company. Unfortunately under a mountain of debt, however.

 

Either look for a roommate or some old retiree looking for some extra money with a room to rent out. It will be cheap for you and better than the sh$tty situation you are in now.

[Lambert]

you have to be the friend you need to yourself. thats the bottom line. you have to get yourself out of this situation... if i were you i would no longer confront them. she has come between you two. its no longer us for you. its them and you. i know that sounds harsh. and I'm sorry. this is going to be very hard and painful to go thru but the longer you stay the more you well suffer.

 

if your name is not on the lease or deed: quietly get yourself a place to stay whether it's a friend's couch, a cheap room for rent and leave.

 

if you are legally responsible for the place, then you have to deal that.

 

you're really being treated poorly and deserve so much better. get out!

[Honeycomb8]

They are OBVIOUSLY having an affair.

 

 

Respect yourself alittle and get out -_-...

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, they are, if nothing else, having an emotional affair.

 

I'm sure everyone will say "what the F is wrong with you? JUST KICK HER OUT."

No, I was saying "Get yourself out."

First see a lawyer to find out what your rights and obligations are and then get a realtor over there to go over selling prices and what you would come out with (if anything) after your mortgage is paid off (if you own the place that is). Once you've done that start scouting out places to live that you can afford and leave him to her.

 

Don't allow yourself to be disrespected in this way a moment longer. "He'd leave first before he'd kick her out?" I'd have left then and there rather then watch him play with his affair partner a minute longer. To be out until 1 a.m. with her is just rubbing your face in it.

[boltnrun]

I think the OP has left the building but I do want to ask...

 

Does he know that you are financially dependent on him to help pay for your housing?

[Pitmom61]

So - this past Sunday the sh*t hit the fan. RM's father has been in jail and was recently released into a supervised housing arrangement. RM announced her intention to thoroughly clean the bathroom, then asked to borrow my truck to do shopping and have lunch with a friend (she is on my insurance as a driver - I know it sounds insane but I said yes in order to get some time without her around). She called about 4 to ask if she could bring her father home for dinner; BF and I talked about it and decided yes as she hadn't seen him in 5 years and we thought it might help give her some stability and sense of family. She showed up drunk, we had dinner, then she went to drive her dad home to his housing and never came home. I finally went to bed, BF stayed up because he wasn't sure she had been drunk when she left but he wanted to see what condition she came back in. However, we got a call from the police instead; she was arrested for drunk driving after having an accident with my truck, no license (WHAT?!?!?), possession of a controlled substance, and 2 other charges I can't recall right now. We had to drive half an hour to go pick up my truck, and I told my BF that this was the end of the line - she has to go. He agreed, he is furious with her and he knows that there's no going back.

 

Note: BF and I rent the house, we are both on the lease and we do rely on each other financially. And I am 99.4% certain that this began as a work relationship, morphed into an emotional affair for a moment, then became another case of white knight syndrome.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, I would still try to work on moving out and separating from him. The fact that he saw no problem with being out with her to all hours, etc, shows that he is just going to do it again with someone else. The fact that his daughter doesn't speak to him didn't wake him up either. You can get a roommate- you don't need to financially depend on him. I'd be so done with him, honestly. And the thing is - you are the one that was hurt -- YOUR vehicle is wrecked - YOU were the one imposed upon and YOU were the one that did not get any time or meaningful relationship with your boyfriend. You are worth more than this garbage