My Boyfriend went for a Michelin Star candle lit dinner with another woman

[Suzie bride]

My boyfriend of 4 years went on an evening candlelit dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant with another woman. Am I in my right to feel upset and jealous over this ?

It’s with a friend who knows all his family because they grew up together , but iv only met her a few times and we never do anything together as a group, they mostly meet alone. Whenever she’s invited him somewhere she’s never made the effort to invite me. Me and my boyfriend go for food a lot but it is always a casual thing, rarely a planned fancy meal out. We have never been to a Michelin Star restaurant together which makes me feel like I’m not special to him. I can’t really see what diffreiances me with her, If he does things with another woman that he should be doing with me.

[Batya33]

I think it depends on whether she has ever invited you. I don't think he should be going to a date-like situation with another woman who apparently is interested in him. Obviously if you don't trust him don't date him but it's inappropriate for him to go on a date-like activity with a woman who doesn't include you and inappropriate that he's not putting his foot down and insisting that you be included.

[Suzie bride]

I invited myself to a gig they were going to that I wasn’t invited to, but there were a few times before where she’d invited him n not me , I understand that if this was a friend of the same sex I wouldn’t feel weird about it but because it is of the opposite sex I don’t like it,

It’s just confusing , I wouldn’t mind if it was a catch up lunch somewhere or dinner in some grubby place but its because it was a Michelin Star restaurant

[yatsue]

I think you should have an honest conversation with him. Tell him what you are uncomfortable with. Was it the restaurant or the one on one meetings? Everyone has their own boundaries; convey that to him.

 

Of course, do not demand him to "do this" or "don't do that". You state what makes you uncomfortable to him and see how he takes it. Will he consider your concerns and make this friendship more tolerable for you, or does he value his freedom in opposite-sex friends who are heterosexual more? It is all individual based and there is no right answer, just what is right for the couple as a whole.

 

After you voice your position, then you should act accordingly. If he decides to disregard your feelings, can you handle this type of friendship he has, or is it too much? Only you know.

[Suzie bride]

Thank you for your reply ,

I just know that if I bring it up with him he will get defensive and tell me that he doesn’t tolerate jealousy

[arjumand]

Well, OF COURSE he doesn't tolerate jealousy -- if he did, that would mean he might have to hear about how he wined and dined another woman and treated her better than he treats you. This whole situation seems like a waste of your time -- he has repeatedly spent time alone in date-like situations with another woman -- that is not friendship, that is romance.

[Jibralta]

Well, OF COURSE he doesn't tolerate jealousy -- if he did, that would mean he might have to hear about how he wined and dined another woman and treated her better than he treats you. This whole situation seems like a waste of your time -- he has repeatedly spent time alone in date-like situations with another woman -- that is not friendship, that is romance.

 

Agree. A guy who is your boyfriend should be open to hearing about your opinions and feelings. The relationship shouldn't support his comfort at the expense of yours.

[MissCanuck]

Who cares if he says he doesn't tolerate jealousy?

 

You shouldn't tolerate your boyfriend going on a candle-lit dinner date with another woman, OP. And that's clearly what this was.

[Snny]

iv only met her a few times and we never do anything together as a group, they mostly meet alone. Whenever she’s invited him somewhere she’s never made the effort to invite me.

This is the problem. She makes zero effort getting to know you and wants to do things exclusively with him. It's fine they were single and young childhood friends, but times have changed and now those childhood friends are dating/married. It's proper etiquette to invite SOs to outings or parties. The only exception is if it was a girls/guys night out. But what she is doing is exceedingly rude and disrespectful.

 

It's not about him going to a fancy restaurant. Its not about jealousy. It's about lack of enforcing relationship boundaries. People -- especially friends and family -- will always say/do things to test relationship boundaries; and the couple needs to be a united force and let those people who cross the line know that their behavior is not ok. She is purposely disrespecting you underhandedly (refuses to interact or invite you out with the boyfriend), and your boyfriend is enabling her behavior because he is refusing to enforce relationship boundaries. That is absolutely unacceptable. You need to be included as his partner or this boyfriend needs to go.

[ChellyV]

[/b]

This is the problem. She makes zero effort getting to know you and wants to do things exclusively with him. It's fine they were single and young childhood friends, but times have changed and now those childhood friends are dating/married. It's proper etiquette to invite SOs to outings or parties. The only exception is if it was a girls/guys night out. But what she is doing is exceedingly rude and disrespectful.

 

It's not about him going to a fancy restaurant. Its not about jealousy. It's about lack of enforcing relationship boundaries. People -- especially friends and family -- will always say/do things to test relationship boundaries; and the couple needs to be a united force and let those people who cross the line know that their behavior is not ok. She is purposely disrespecting you underhandedly (refuses to interact or invite you out with the boyfriend), and your boyfriend is enabling her behavior because he is refusing to enforce relationship boundaries. That is absolutely unacceptable. You need to be included as his partner or this boyfriend needs to go.

 

EXACTLY!

He should have consulted you first. Make it clear that this is something that hurts you, before it happens again.

[ThatwasThen]

I invited myself to a gig they were going to that I wasn’t invited to, but there were a few times before where she’d invited him n not me , I understand that if this was a friend of the same sex I wouldn’t feel weird about it but because it is of the opposite sex I don’t like it,

My nose would be a tad out of joint if my husband took a same sex friend to a 5 star restaurant IF he had never made the effort to take me to one.

It’s just confusing , I wouldn’t mind if it was a catch up lunch somewhere or dinner in some grubby place but its because it was a Michelin Star restaurant have your priorities mixed up in my opinion. The fact that he is going on date-like activities with another woman, no matter where they go, without you is the issue... not that he took her somewhere fancy.

 

Have you told him how disrespectful it is for him to be going on dates with women it is to you and your relationship? If you have, what was his come-back after you told him how these 'dates' make you feel? If you haven't told him how this makes you feel then why haven't you?

 

When you talk to him again about this, don't bring up the fact that you're upset because he's never taken you somewhere fancy... that will come across as you being petty jealous based on material things rather then the fact that you're being disrespected by their exclusion of you.

[Krankor]

Even if your boyfriend and this woman don't have a single romantic notion for each other, even if they are just two old friends who enjoy spending time together on a completely platonic level, they both should still know better. There is something to be said for avoiding the appearance of impropriety when you are in a relationship.

 

You are right to object to this. Let your boyfriend get defensive and accuse you of being jealous. Once he is done, calmly explain that there is a difference between being jealous and having some healthy boundaries, and that he now knows how you feel and is free to do with that information what he wishes, but that you won't tolerate this kind of continued disrespect, and that if he thinks he'll be able to find another woman who would be OK with these sort of quasi-dates good luck.

[j.man]

It's safe to assume 95% of us wouldn't be comfortable with it, but there's the question of whether this is something you more or less signed up for. How long has their friendship been a dynamic of your relationship? Do they do other things one on one?

 

I don't agree that she should have to get any more chummy with you privately than any guy friend of his, but you're free to declare your own boundaries and see whether he's willing to meet you within them.

[JaggerJim]

Anything with candles is totally a romantic date.