My new boyfriend has a close attractive female friend

[Krankor]

The fact that he is still strongly prioritizing her is a sign that he is not being fully honest of his level of interest for me.

 

OK, now that I disagree with, and, honestly, there is a level of pettiness and a controlling attitude in that sentiment. I don't mean that as an insult or a comment on you as a person, I just don't think that's a good way to look at it. He can have strong feelings for you without everything in his life having to revolve around you, especially this early in. In fact, I think it's a good thing he still wants to do some separate things. You don't want the guy to start smothering you, right?

 

I don't even know if it was so much about the friend as much as he was just psyched to do some hiking last Saturday. Would you complain about "taking a back seat" if he went hiking with a male friend?

 

You are straight up jealous over his friendship with her, and while that is understandable on an emotional level it's not all that warranted logically speaking. I know I'm being a broken record, but they've been platonic friends for seven years. Nothing has happened.

 

Look, you have the right to decide that you aren't OK with a boyfriend who cultivates close one-on-one opppsite sex friendships. That is a valid boundary. But I'd at least talk to the guy before you throw this one on the trash heap, and examine some of your own attitude as to your expectations of "being a priority".

[Honeycomb8]

^ Exactly.

 

I think it's crazy to expect to be a priority when you just started dating! And they've known each other for 7 years.

 

 

People that throw away their connections with their existing friends to focus on the new person in their life, need to evaluate their choices imo.

I mean...You do have friends right?

 

I have friends of the opp sex I still see weekly, and despite the fact that now I have a bf, I'd never forget about them.

It's healthy to have friendships and to want to spend time with them.

 

Who cares if she's female. Maybe I just see things from another perspective.

 

I think a person becomes important slowly. I'd not want to make someone new the center of my universe, and I suggest you don't make him yours.

[mustlovedogs]

I have never expressed my disaproaval because he never mentioned her and I didn't either. 2 weeks ago, he also randomly said that he would be "out all day". No specifics and I didn't hear from him that day at all. He normally texts all day. I later saw on social media that he was with her. I said nothing but it didn't sit well with me.

 

This time, it was again "out all day". I said "Out as in what plans do you have? Maybe we could meet in the evening". He said: "Going hiking with a friend and then I should really visit my parents, I haven't seen them in a while so I am afraid I am not free in the evening either". I said "Is it a female friend? I mean you can tell me these things". He said "Yeah, we have known each other for years". He suggested Sunday and I said that I made plans with a female friend for Sunday but will see if I can reschedule. He replied "That would be so great because I really want to see you this weekend". That kind of pissed me off as he didn't even mention rescheduling his plans. He could have easily moved visit to the parents for Sunday (if that part if even true). So then I told him that my friend couldn't reschedule and he just went "oh that sucks, I will see you next week".

 

I just get a bad vibe.

 

Your line of questioning was very insecure.

 

If I told a new guy I was dating that I had plans, I wouldn't want this degree of questioning.

 

He has plans with a friend - that should be enough of an answer.

 

Why couldn't YOU move your plans? Why does HE have to accommodate YOU? I know you say you offered, but why does it make you mad? Likewise, why don't you believe that he's seeing his parents?

 

You're asking an awful lot.

[Honeycomb8]

Yeah, I think if a guy asked me in the same way and expected this much this quickly, I'd be gone. =S

[nutbrownhare]

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one... at least, regarding his female friend.

 

What I'd find more worrying is that he came on super strong and is talking about his strong feelings and the long term future when you've only been seeing each other for a few weeks. Within my experience, it takes three months of dating before you even know whether you've got a relationship or not; up to that point it's a question of being too loved-up to see clearly. The problem with the very intense feelings - the honeymoon phase of a relationship - is that they inevitably crash and burn, and the real nitty-gritty of the relationship starts once they do. The reason that many people stay in abusive relationships is that they mistake the honeymoon period for the real thing, and hang around in the hope that those heady feelings will come back one day - not that I'm saying this will happen to you, but to make the point that him coming on super strong is unlikely to last in the form it is now.

 

At this stage, you're still getting to know each other. Real emotional investment ideally comes further down the line once you do, and jumping in straight away IS likely to result in disappointment for one or both of you - and that's totally unrelated to his female friend.

 

You mention that he has a lot of female friends; chances are that most of them are taking a back seat at the moment while you and he are dating. If you stay together, you will likely need to accept that part of this relationship will involve him spending a full day with this girl every couple of weeks, hiking. There may be other aspects of your relationship which will cause you to feel insecure, too. You need to give it time, but don't throw yourself into the relationship, or think about the long term just yet - because you haven't got enough information about each other yet. That also means not finishing things just yet, too.

[Shorthaired]

So this is pretty much over.

 

I genuinely told him that I feel kind of uncomfortable with him spending so much time with his female friend without knowing more about her, like if they ever dated, how does he know her etc. His response was: "If this is bothering you this much then it's best not to go further. I don't have to answer any of that". I responded with "So this is not even worth an open discussion?". He never responded. He was extremely cold in total contrast in how I have known him so far.

 

I just don't think this could have ever worked with his closed off communication and my anxiety about close female friends.

[nutbrownhare]

So this is pretty much over.

 

I genuinely told him that I feel kind of uncomfortable with him spending so much time with his female friend without knowing more about her, like if they ever dated, how does he know her etc. His response was: "If this is bothering you this much then it's best not to go further. I don't have to answer any of that". I responded with "So this is not even worth an open discussion?". He never responded. He was extremely cold in total contrast in how I have known him so far.

 

I just don't think this could have ever worked with his closed off communication and my anxiety about close female friends.

 

If it was just a question of friendship then I doubt it would have been a problem - as you said, he was very forthcoming about all his other female friends. From what you've said on here, it's not even as if he was closed off in his communication; it was just in regard to this particular girl.

 

However, suddenly turning cold and distant is not at all unusual for people who come on really strong in the early days, so just chalk it up to experience!

[Shorthaired]

If it was just a question of friendship then I doubt it would have been a problem - as you said, he was very forthcoming about all his other female friends. From what you've said on here, it's not even as if he was closed off in his communication; it was just in regard to this particular girl.

 

However, suddenly turning cold and distant is not at all unusual for people who come on really strong in the early days, so just chalk it up to experience!

 

That's exactly it. He was very open about everything else. Always told me specific plans he had without me even asking. If he was someone that was slow to open up and cautious in getting to know me, I would totally understand. I also don't think my questions about a female friend were unreasonable. Sure, I sounded insecure but it didn't warrant his shutting off totally.

 

I always feel a red flag rising when someone is telling me that they are "thinking about me every second of the day" from date 1.

[mustlovedogs]

So this is pretty much over.

 

I genuinely told him that I feel kind of uncomfortable with him spending so much time with his female friend without knowing more about her, like if they ever dated, how does he know her etc. His response was: "If this is bothering you this much then it's best not to go further. I don't have to answer any of that". I responded with "So this is not even worth an open discussion?". He never responded. He was extremely cold in total contrast in how I have known him so far.

 

I just don't think this could have ever worked with his closed off communication and my anxiety about close female friends.

 

That isn't cold. There's a number of us here who said we would've responded the same way.

 

What if your text was about a male friend? Wouldn't that seem kinda overbearing? It is in this case, too.

 

I have many many many male friends (I'm female) and I work with mostly men. If anyone even hinted that I needed to back away from any of them, they would be gone.

 

You need to accept that YOU were insecure and YOU asked a lot of him. This isn't his problem, it's yours.

[SweetGirl28]

So this is pretty much over.

 

I genuinely told him that I feel kind of uncomfortable with him spending so much time with his female friend without knowing more about her, like if they ever dated, how does he know her etc. His response was: "If this is bothering you this much then it's best not to go further. I don't have to answer any of that". I responded with "So this is not even worth an open discussion?". He never responded. He was extremely cold in total contrast in how I have known him so far.

 

I just don't think this could have ever worked with his closed off communication and my anxiety about close female friends.

 

You need to work on your own insecurities because men and women both don't appreciate anyone being

overly jealous and insecure, especially at the start of a new relationship.

Everyone you meet will have people that existed in their lives long before you.

And will continue to be there after you are gone.

Unless there is a direct threat to your relationship, for example a woman clearly overstepping her

boundaries and being disrespectful, you need to keep those feelings to yourself.

 

There will always be someone prettier, smarter, more fun, more successful, etc.

if you work on your confidence you will find that it won't bother you, because confidence will allow

you to know that the person is with you because they see qualities that attract them to you, and

it doesn't matter who's looking better to you, they see you as looking the best.

[nutbrownhare]

What if your text was about a male friend? Wouldn't that seem kinda overbearing? It is in this case, too.

 

While I'd have handled it differently, I can understand the OP's concern about a guy who's very open and forthcoming about all his friends except for one, where it's kept deliberately vague. I'd be wondering what's going on, too - regardless of whether it was male or female.

 

I'd have hung fire, though, and worked on the assumption that all would come clear in time. And we have no idea whether the female friend was being disrespectful or not, or whether she knew the guy was actually seeing someone.

[mustlovedogs]

While I'd have handled it differently, I can understand the OP's concern about a guy who's very open and forthcoming about all his friends except for one, where it's kept deliberately vague. I'd be wondering what's going on, too - regardless of whether it was male or female.

 

I'd have hung fire, though, and worked on the assumption that all would come clear in time. And we have no idea whether the female friend was being disrespectful or not, or whether she knew the guy was actually seeing someone.

 

Yes, but my interpretation was he was vague because he knows she would react this way.

 

He shouldn't have to walk on eggshells 6 weeks in.

[Shorthaired]

Yeah I know I was overly blunt but at the same time I already decided it's over and had nothing to lose. I just lose all feelings of attraction when I feel that I can't fully trust someone. I would rather be single than stay in a situation that stresses me out. I have had plenty of exes with multiple female friends and it was never a problem because they were upfront about them. It was also not a whole day hike that often, it was mostly stuff like "Having lunch with Jane today, Jane and I went to same school". That was pretty much from week 1 of dating, it never bothered me. I think I go much better with people that are "open books" and perhaps even "overshare".

 

Anyway, it is definetely over. I just found out that he blocked me on FB and likely blocked my number too even though I didn't contact him. So he probably thinks that I am crazy. Oh well. I still think that at the core, I can't change who I am. I could have toned down my approach by about 10% but it would still lead to the same result, only later down the line.

 

I will never be that girl who will be comfortable that her boyfriend goes on all day hikes with a female friend I know nothing about. I am pretty sure that there are many men and women that are similar to me.

 

Chatting to a cool new guy on an app now. Onwards and upwards to better matches.

[mustlovedogs]

Yeah I know I was overly blunt but at the same time I already decided it's over and had nothing to lose. I just lose all feelings of attraction when I feel that I can't fully trust someone. I would rather be single than stay in a situation that stresses me out. I have had plenty of exes with multiple female friends and it was never a problem because they were upfront about them. It was also not a whole day hike that often, it was mostly stuff like "Having lunch with Jane today, Jane and I went to same school". That was pretty much from week 1 of dating, it never bothered me. I think I go much better with people that are "open books" and perhaps even "overshare".

 

Anyway, it is definetely over. I just found out that he blocked me on FB and likely blocked my number too even though I didn't contact him. So he probably thinks that I am crazy. Oh well. I still think that at the core, I can't change who I am. I could have toned down my approach by about 10% but it would still lead to the same result, only later down the line.

 

I will never be that girl who will be comfortable that her boyfriend goes on all day hikes with a female friend I know nothing about. I am pretty sure that there are many men and women that are similar to me.

 

Chatting to a cool new guy on an app now. Onwards and upwards to better matches.

 

I still think you were overly insecure. You don't have to change, but recognize that this behavior will turn people away and decide if it's worth exploring more.

[j.man]

So this is pretty much over.

 

I genuinely told him that I feel kind of uncomfortable with him spending so much time with his female friend without knowing more about her, like if they ever dated, how does he know her etc. His response was: "If this is bothering you this much then it's best not to go further. I don't have to answer any of that". I responded with "So this is not even worth an open discussion?". He never responded. He was extremely cold in total contrast in how I have known him so far.

 

I just don't think this could have ever worked with his closed off communication and my anxiety about close female friends.

What discussion do you think there was to be had?

[Starlight925]

I may be in the minority here, but I completely understand how you feel, Shorthaired.

 

It's not just that he has this very close female friend, it's his, in opinion, shady behavior surrounding this friendship. Telling you he's "busy" all day, but not sharing much with you unless you press him, then finally saying it's a female friend, then not offering you any more in the way of addition to his story.

 

Let's say it was a close male friend of his, and they decided to go hiking for the day. I'd like this sort of openness:

Him: Hey, I'm going hiking for the day with my friend Bob.

You: Oh, cool, have fun! How long have you known Bob?

Him: Oh, Bob and I have been friends for 7 years! We met while hiking with our meetup group. Bob is a really cool guy, I bet you'd like him.

You: Great! Where does Bob live?

Him: Bob lives about 15 miles away in xyz area.

You: Tell me more about Bob!

Him: Bob is single, but he's always looking!

You: Great, hope you & Bob have a great time!

 

The above conversation is typical of one you'd have with someone you're newly dating, in trying to get to know the people they're attached to, prior to meeting them.

 

Guys don't usually ask these types of questions from their new girlfriends about their friends, because, well, they're guys. But girls usually do. So these are types of questions you'd ask, just in a getting to know your new guy sort of way.

 

It sounds to me like you were asking similar types of questions, and the fact that he was evading the answers is....well, weird.

 

And now that he's blocked you? Super weird.

 

I'd block back, and move on.

[mustlovedogs]

I may be in the minority here, but I completely understand how you feel, Shorthaired.

 

It's not just that he has this very close female friend, it's his, in opinion, shady behavior surrounding this friendship. Telling you he's "busy" all day, but not sharing much with you unless you press him, then finally saying it's a female friend, then not offering you any more in the way of addition to his story.

 

Let's say it was a close male friend of his, and they decided to go hiking for the day. I'd like this sort of openness:

Him: Hey, I'm going hiking for the day with my friend Bob.

You: Oh, cool, have fun! How long have you known Bob?

Him: Oh, Bob and I have been friends for 7 years! We met while hiking with our meetup group. Bob is a really cool guy, I bet you'd like him.

You: Great! Where does Bob live?

Him: Bob lives about 15 miles away in xyz area.

You: Tell me more about Bob!

Him: Bob is single, but he's always looking!

You: Great, hope you & Bob have a great time!

 

The above conversation is typical of one you'd have with someone you're newly dating, in trying to get to know the people they're attached to, prior to meeting them.

 

Guys don't usually ask these types of questions from their new girlfriends about their friends, because, well, they're guys. But girls usually do. So these are types of questions you'd ask, just in a getting to know your new guy sort of way.

 

It sounds to me like you were asking similar types of questions, and the fact that he was evading the answers is....well, weird.

 

And now that he's blocked you? Super weird.

 

I'd block back, and move on.

 

That conversation feels so weird to me. I would still feel strange answering questions like that. Where does Bob live? Who would ask that?

[Starlight925]

That conversation feels so weird to me. I would still feel strange answering questions like that. Where does Bob live? Who would ask that?

 

They're just normal questions that one would ask in getting to know someone's friends. I ask stuff like that all the time. Like, oh, cool, tell me about Bob. How do you know him? What part of town does he live in? Etc. It's part of getting to know one another, getting to know their friends & family before you actually meet them.

 

It wasn't meant to be an actual script. It's just a conversation.

 

My point was: he wasn't willing to even entertain any types of questions or conversation about this particular friend.

 

This whole situation feels very off to me, and I think it was right to end. None of this would make me feel comfortable.

[j.man]

Him: Hey, I'm going hiking for the day with my friend Bob.

You: Oh, cool, have fun!

This is where that conversation should end.

 

[You .... How long have you known Bob?

Him: Oh, Bob and I have been friends for 7 years! We met while hiking with our meetup group. Bob is a really cool guy, I bet you'd like him.

You: Great! Where does Bob live?

Him: Bob lives about 15 miles away in xyz area.

You: Tell me more about Bob!

Him: Bob is single, but he's always looking!

You: Great, hope you & Bob have a great time!

This is honestly one of the more awkward conversation ideas I've ever heard, regardless of whether it's a same or opposite sex friend involved. Can't say I've ever been prodded for details on a friend of mine. These are all pretty much questions the woman I'm dating can ask my friend herself should we get to the point I'm introducing her, which usually is much later than 1.5 months into dating. Put in that situation, best case, I'd tell her just that, that hopefully she can meet the friend to get to know them herself some time down the road, or if I'm feeling paticularly zesty, I might match her enthusiasm with a, "I can give you Bob's number if you'd like to ask him all these questions yourself!"

 

And what about those questions provides assurance? Especially when considering an opposite sex friend (going back to that context as I'm frankly refusing to believe people raise that kind of awkward conversation over a same-sex friend), it could put someone off by a perceived willingness or even eagerness to rattle on about her. Seems like a no-win situation for a guy to be in (or a woman, roles reversed). At the end of the day, he knows why you're asking. She knows why she's asking. That insecurity or discomfort won't change because she knows the friend lives 15 minutes away. At this point, the OP already knows the details I'd consider her entitled to early in-- 7 years friends, (allegedly) no romantic interest. It's kinda take it or leave it.

 

Again, I wouldn't begin to fault the OP for being uncomfortable with it. I think even among people who are more laissez-faire about guy and lady friends, it'd be pretty common to not be a fan of someone seemingly regularly spending entire days on hikes with such friends. Especially given his "Don't know what to tell ya. It is what it is" response to her concern, it just doesn't appear he's the putting the effort into being vague or deceptive as some think he is.

 

For me, it's really about the OP being able to reflect on her perfectly legitimate boundaries without inventing extenuating circumstances to validate it when it's unnecessary to.

[Starlight925]

As I said, it's not meant to be a script.

 

Just general getting to know you type questions.

 

When I was getting to know my last BF, we asked these types of questions of each other's families, friends, etc., all the time. It was never awkward.

[j.man]

There may be times that conversation could flow naturally. Someone texting they're hanging out with a friend and then the other person following up with several questions about the friend isn't one of them.

[mustlovedogs]

There may be times that conversation could flow naturally. Someone texting they're hanging out with a friend and then the other person following up with several questions about the friend isn't one of them.

 

Agreed completely.

 

If I was dating someone and they had plans with a friend, that's the end of the conversation for me.

 

Everyone can have their opinion - I just know I wouldn't tolerate conversations like this, especially early on.

[Jibralta]

I would rather be single than stay in a situation that stresses me out.

 

Me too.

 

I think you did fine. Never be afraid to trust your own judgment. You may make mistakes, but so does everyone. Nobody is a better advocate for you than you are.

 

So he probably thinks that I am crazy. Oh well. I still think that at the core, I can't change who I am. I could have toned down my approach by about 10% but it would still lead to the same result, only later down the line.

 

Who cares what he thinks. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Hold out for one who accepts who you are, warts and all.

[KantSleep]

Good decision OP. " I don't have to answer any of that" said he. Good luck with that dude, I wouldn't put up with no answers either. He is hiding something, likely his desire for this girl, or vice versa. Why sit around and be the fool? His reaction was way too defensive. My BF OFFERS details about his female friends, so I feel comfortable. He texts his female friends, one he sees a few times a year during his business travels. So it's not like I am against men having female friends. My earlier post about you having every right to understand the relationship, I stand by. Six weeks is too early say some, not so in my humble opinion. No point in hanging around and waiting on this dude who doesn't consult with you about weekend plans, and assumes you are OK with no details about a girl he will be spending all day with.

[himynameisslim]

I feel like the original poster's gut feeling could very well be correct.

 

The guy is completely up front about other people but is vague when it comes to his female friend. Some state he's vague b/c he's worried about how she would respond. I don't quite buy that. Also, if he really liked his new girl, he would reassure her that it's platonic. the fact that he was extremely cold indicates at least to me that he's hiding something possibly.