What would others do in my situation?

[Alm07]

I have been seeing this guy who from the start clicked With me and there was an instant connection. He explained to me from the start he wasn't ready for anything serious just yet that maybe in the future but that right now he just isn't ready for a relationship especially where he is in life right now. He was married for about 8 years and then he got into a relationship right after for almost a year and that ended a few months ago after he moved from Washington to Texas. So I clearly get where hes coming from.

 

He seemed to be very intrested in me and I didn't realize just how much I liked him until things got physical so I decided to just keep it friendly so that I don't hurt myself and he respected that. Knowing that sex was off limits, our friendship started to grow, nothing changed, If anything he started to act more interested, we still talked like we talked and we still hung out regularly.

 

About 3 weeks ago we had a really bad night to where it scared him off and it was really awkward for like a week but we talked and we fixed things 2 weeks ago so it's still kind of fresh but we have hung out a few times since then And in person feels great, we vibe like we always have, he even came to my birthday dinner and hung out with my friends, At the end of the night we talked about us and I told him even though we fixed things that I noticed he had been acting differently kind of like he pulled away from me because he doesn't contact me or call me as much and he agreed saying that he does feel like he has changed but that he doesn't mean to hurt me, He just said that he doesn't like the way I give him attitude sometimes and I apologized for that we hugged it out, it was great. this was 2 days ago. The next day he told me good morning and to have a good day. Today he liked a few of my pictures on social media but I was the one to start a conversation through texts.

 

We hang out regularly. He takes interest in my life. Shares about his. He has even shared really personal stuff with me, I’m just straight up confused. The thing is i always feel at ease and never even think about it. Cause it feels like we are dating but then i remember and it just turns my stomach. I’ve already fallen for him and don’t want to lose him. Is there anything I can do? I think to myself no matter what if i wait a year compared to now I’ll still be hurt the same. I just don’t understand. Whether it works out or not i don’t view it as wasted time because I enjoy his company and friendship. We have decided we are like best friends because the bond we have in such short of mine a time and the fact that he is constantly pointing out that it feels like he has known me his whole life when we only met 3 months ago.

 

He makes me happy, I just can’t tell if i’m truly seeing things clearly. I feel loved by him and i just don’t want to cut someone one out of my life because they are trying to figure out their life. But i don’t want things to change. does there seem to be hope?

[Andrina]

No, there's no hope. When he's ready to have a gf, it won't be with you and he'll let your friendship fade, as his new gf won't tolerate him being best friends with someone he once had sex with. Nobody is ever worth waiting around for. If you're not important enough now, what makes you think you will be later?

 

The right guy will want you all to himself, will make you feel special, and will make you a priority. This guy's ego is being boosted by your crush, while you are getting none of your needs met. You will not be able to bond with an appropriate love interest while you are still spending time with Mr. Wrong. Time to sever all ties and go no contact for your own good. Since he only cares about his ego, he will resist this but be strong for your own benefit. You are worthy of everything you want. Make it happen.

[DancingFool]

When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, believe him. He told you flat out that he is not going to have a relationship with you. He also told you that there are some character traits he really doesn't like about you.

 

The connection that you feel is unfortunately a bit one sided. From his side, he is new in the area and lonely and you are into him and easy pickings for companionship until he develops stronger roots in the area, meets more people, makes additional friends and eventually meet a girl he actually wants to date. If he was truly into you, he'd be dating you instead of feeding you plausible sounding excuses for why he won't. What he is actually telling you is string-a-long talk and that never ends well for the person being strung along.

[katrina1980]

I agree with Andrina and DF, nothing more to add on that.

 

I would however like to share a story that reflects how some guys have "hidden agendas" that a woman, or women, know nothing about.

 

A woman in my weekly meet-up support group had been telling us about a guy she had been dating, and she felt, based on his actions, that it was becoming serious.

 

They were spending lots of time together, weekends, having close intimate sex, texting all day long, every day, he would share personal details of his life and ask her about hers.

 

She felt very safe and secure and had fallen in love with him (we could tell as she literally lit up when talking about him).

 

She was positive, again based on his actions, he loved her too.

 

After about three months of this, they had a talk. HE initiated it.

 

He told her he wanted to be straight, while he enjoyed spending time with her, he was NOT wanting anything serious or a "relationship."

 

Since SHE had never brought it up, and just going along with everything, he believed she was cool with what was happening but he could sense how attached she was getting so wanted to be straight.

 

The truth is he never saw her as "girlfriend" material, he considered her a great "friend" (FWB I guess since they were also having lots of hot sex).

 

He then told her he was actually in love with another girl who had rejected him, but thanked her (the girl in my meet up) for being a great "band-aid" while he was trying to move on from the other girl.

 

He actually said that word "band-aid" that she had been a great band aid.

 

She didn't believe him, thought he was "scared" of his feelings or something.

 

I mean based on his actions which were attentive, caring and loving, not to mention the close intimate sex, during which she said he smothered her with kisses, love attention, what else could she think?

 

Long story short, no he wasn't scared, or stressed, or busy, as immediately after that conversation, he pulled back so far, they barely talked anymore and he never wanted to see her.

 

Three weeks later, she sees on his FB he is now dating and seems to be seriously involved with another woman.

 

Moral of the story, you can't judge how a man feels based on his actions.

 

I used to believe that, and never asked questions, or initiated "the talk."

 

I don't do that anymore, because, although there will be some exceptions, when asked men most will be honest.

 

THIS man has told you he does not want anything serious or a relationship.

 

BELIEVE HIM! He is not "scared" "too stressed" "too busy" or whatever.

 

He either has intimacy issues or he's not into you enough to want a relationship with you.

 

My vote is for the latter because I have found even a man with intimacy issues will make a good faith effort to have a relationship with you IF his feelings are there.

 

I'm sorry, but if it were me, I would either lower my expectations about ever having a "relationship" with him, which also includes disconnecting emotionally, OR walk away and find a guy who IS into you and wants what you want.

[catfeeder]

Whenever I meet a guy who says he's not ready for a relationship, I tell him that I can respect that, but I'm purely relationship material, and he's welcome to contact me if he ever decides that dating to see if it will lead to a relationship is something he wants to do.

 

It makes no sense to hover 'around' someone who isn't clear about what he wants for himself. That's manipulative, and manipulation tends to backfire. It would also demo that I don't think enough of myself to hold out for what I want. That's not exactly a way to build respect from anyone.

[SweetGirl28]

Did you actually have sex with him?

 

I'm going against everyone here, kind of, because he made it clear from the get go he wasn't looking for a

relationship right now. That's not a reflection on you nor how he feels. It's not uncommon. I'd worry more

about a man who is jumping from one relationship to the next trying to make it committed. That would be a

very needy man, and who wants that!

 

That being said, I was handed the same line by a divorcee. After a year, when Ibwanted to know what we were,

he gave every excuse he could because he couldn't call me his gf. I was the FWB. I caught feelings, I got dumped.

But he still doesn't look for a gf, he jumps around from one FWB to the next. So it wasn't that I wasn't gf material, he

just wants no ties to anyone other than fun and sex.

 

If you had sex and he's still hanging around you not getting any, he certainly enjoys your company.

However, can you be on just a friendship level with a man you are so deeply attracted to?

I see you getting very attached and seriously hurt unless you can lose your feelings for him.

And by hanging out and being in contact, that is not likely to happen, ever.