Would you date someone who had had a long-term affair on their spouse?

[Starlight925]

I am 2 months out of an 18-month relationship. I have a couple of really long threads about it, but basically: I never did trust him. He liked to keep a stable of exes available, on hand, to text, Facebook message, etc. In my relationship autopsy, I have figured out that he is very likely a narcissist, and he "needs" those women for his ego to survive. While we were together, he deleted and blocked them all, but in the days following our breakup, he re-friended those, and many more females (yes I had looked then). We are complete NC now.

 

On our 2nd date, he had brought me flowers and was taking me to the theater and dinner. What a great guy! I was in heaven at finding such a catch. He had been married twice, which at our age is not unusual (I, too, have been married more than once). Not a big deal!

 

While I was placing those flowers in a vase, just prior to leaving for the theater, I casually asked him how his marriage to his kids' mom ended, and he was very honest with me: He had an affair. It was with his wife's best friend. I asked how it happened, and his simple answer was: "I was seduced".

At the time, I stopped, and I came this close to cancelling our date, and our future. Instead, I thanked him for his honesty, and we went on.

 

Over the next 18 months, I learned: It was a 4-year affair with his wife's best friend, also married. He saw her almost every weekend! She lived 200 miles away, and yes, he would leave his young kids to drive to her.....yet he's the "best father in the world". Gag. He said it was "her fault" because she took him to a strip club one night and seduced him. Seriously, dude????

 

He never really took ownership, or felt bad for it. He still doesn't.

 

He ended the affair after 4 years, as he says "she was crazy". Another gag. 2 years after it ended, she told his wife (remember, she was still his wife's best friend at that time). Wife filed for divorce, kids (then early teens) were devastated, and here we are.

 

 

So in looking back, and looking forward in my dating life, my question is: Should I have ended things on that 2nd date, when he told me about the affair? My gut told me to at the time, but I let my heart and my emotions rule me.

 

Yes, I take complete ownership! I continued for 18 months, while he trashed his kids' mom and blamed her lack of sex, affection, etc., for the affair, and I blindly continued! BTW, I got to know the kids' mom pretty well during our relationship, and I actually became relatively close with her. She has been remarried for years and is lovely. But yes, I willingly stayed, so I know my responsibility in the relationship. This thread is not about that.

 

What is your opinion? Would you date someone who had had an affair on their spouse?

[Seraphim]

I wouldn’t, no.

[thealchemist]

I would not.

 

Long term definitely not.

 

Especially when they blame it on others.

 

Seriously, she forced you to drive 200 miles and have sex with her while your kids were being taken care of by your wife?

[SweetGirl28]

Affairs happen.

 

While wrong , sometimes there is not a malicious intent, but just needs that are not being fulfilled.

There are many people who are married who just co-exist with one another for the sake of their

children and/or financial reasons.

 

Going with the best friend would have immediately put my defenses up.

I'm still annoyed with my ex for intimately kissing two of my friends, even though we were broken up.

I'm annoyed at them too. It's the ultimate betrayal , worse when the affair with a friend.

 

His comments were reason enough for you rethink getting involved, as he accepted no responsibility.

Seduced? Seriously? He willingly participated. He drove very long distance to meet up every weekend.

For 4 years!!!!

 

Had he accepted some responsibility, it might not have been as big an issue.

[Starlight925]

Thanks for your comments. Yes, this was the most giant red flag waving at me: That he had had a 4 year affair, that it was with his wife's best friend, and that he blamed the affair on both the best friend for seducing him, and his ex-wife for her lack of sex and affection.

 

I actually don't believe that "affairs happen".

 

We just celebrated my parents' 62nd wedding anniversary. 62 years!!! And I would bet $10,000 that nothing like that ever happened, as I have always been very close with my parents.

 

I should have thanked him for his flowers, and cancelled our theater date.

 

Interestingly, he said that prior to me, while he was dating, he did have one woman cancel the date when he told her about the affair, as her husband had cheated on her. He had a couple of others who had found out prior to the date and cancelled.

 

I now see what a huge red flag it was, and how I could have ended things right there.

[Snny]

I would of respected him a bit more if he said "Hey, it was my fault it happened. I should of known better and I made a very costly choice. It's a mistake I'm definitely not proud, I learned from it and I would never do again."

 

But no, by him blaming someone else for the problem speaks volumes about his character. He takes ZERO accountability for his decisions. Just think about how he would react anytime you both come across an argument in the relationship... Or if he cheats again and "it's not my fault!" That is not a person you want a relationship with.

[Starlight925]

I would of respected him a bit more if he said "Hey, it was my fault it happened. I should of known better and I made a very costly choice. It's a mistake I'm definitely not proud, I learned from it and I would never do again."

 

But no, by him blaming someone else for the problem speaks volumes about his character. He takes ZERO accountability for his decisions. That is not a person you want a relationship with.

 

Snny, that's exactly what I thought at the time. I'm standing there, date #2, all dressed up, with these pretty flowers, while I'm thinking.....wait, this guy is blaming this on the other woman. And his wife.

 

In months after, with more details, he continued to blame both his wife and the other woman! Said that his wife was taking the kids out of town one weekend, and her best friend's husband was going to be gone too, so his wife said, "Hey, why don't the two of you have dinner together". Which they did, and best friend asked him to go to a strip club after dinner. So in my ex's twisted mind, his wife made the original dinner suggestion, and affair woman made the strip club suggestion. At the strip club, she started rubbing herself on him, so.....his hands are clean....it's all of these women's faults.

 

We started dating in March 2016, and these details actually came out on NYE 2016, so 9 months later. I remember sitting at NYE with him at a bar, while he was telling me the details, thinking....ok, I haven't really trusted him for all these other reasons, and now he's expanding on the story, still blaming everyone else....

 

Why.....oh why.....did I not leave earlier??? Yes, keep kicking myself.

 

At the time, I thought, well that was 20 years ago. But leopards and spots and all...

[SherrySher]

Affairs don't just 'happen'..there is intent, there is plans, there is knowing what is happening and following it through and let's not forget that it does take a certain type of person to be that manipulative and able to betray someone they supposedly care about.

 

So in answer to your question, if I knew someone had an affair on their spouse, no I would not give them the time of day. That's not the type of person I want in my life and 9 times out of 10 that type of behavior will continue.

[JustMizz]

I would not have continued him. He took no blame in the affair by saying he was seduced. That was not him being honest, that was him playing a victim to gain your sympathy.

[Snny]

You live and you learn. It's not easy to up and leave someone because... It's initial shock. But take time to think about your answer and connect with people to help you.

 

Keep your head up

[annie24]

I wouldn't date him, no. You should have cancelled that second date.

 

The thing is - I could almost forgive cheating if it were a one-time oops. But to cheat repeatedly with a woman's BEST FRIEND???? That's downright cold. I mean, that is a double-betrayal for the wife.

[annie24]

He ended the affair after 4 years, as he says "she was crazy". Another gag. 2 years after it ended, she told his wife (remember, she was still his wife's best friend at that time). Wife filed for divorce, kids (then early teens) were devastated, and here we are.

 

It's funny - I've met and dated a lot of guys who said "my ex was crazy" but they always neglect to say what drove her "crazy" (maybe she was crazy because he was slinking off all hours of the night and coming home with lipstick stains on his shirt????)

[Starlight925]

That was not him being honest, that was him playing a victim to gain your sympathy.

 

This is so true.

 

As I said, I take full responsibility for continuing. I mean, he told me on our second date!!! And I still went out for 18 months. Jeez, slapping myself.

 

He had this kind, humble facade thing going on. He's not a particularly good-looking guy. He's "all about his kids", etc., so he's not the typical narcissist you'd think of.

 

And I fell for it all.....what an idiot I am.

 

Just trying to do a personal house-cleaning as I re-enter the dating world!

 

This thread was brought on by a profile I just read of a guy who said that if you've ever had an affair on your husband, don't contact him, and he went into a bit about how he had made that mistake before, and how important a marital promise is. It made me think.....I should definitely have the same deal breaker for next time.

[JustMizz]

You're not an idiot!

 

It's easy to say we wouldn't do it from the outside looking in.

 

It was a hard lesson learned. Be thankful you are no longer in that relationship so that you can move forward and find a good guy!

[SherrySher]

It's funny - I've met and dated a lot of guys who said "my ex was crazy" but they always neglect to say what drove her "crazy" (maybe she was crazy because he was slinking off all hours of the night and coming home with lipstick stains on his shirt????)

 

No truer words have been spoken. If someone is crazy, very good chance someone drove them crazy.

[Giblesp]

Depends on whether they recognize they had a problem, and did something to to improve themselves.

[abitbroken]

Nope. nope nope. It proves that they do not respect marriage nor commitment. I would steer clear. The only acceptable is if they met someone and had no reason to believe they were married, and dumped them the minute they found out. It speaks to someone's character big time.

[GRD 789]

The older I get, the less I view things in black and white. On the surface, with no other information, you wouldn't date someone who had been unfaithful. But you have to put yourself in their shoes. Some marriages are so bereft of sex, intimacy, physical affection, that it pushes people beyond their normal limits. They would all (or most)acknowledge it wasn't a good thing and not the best course of action. It's so easy to condemn and dismiss people for infidelity, or any number of mistakes, but each situation is unique. Viewing all with some compassion seems like a thing that would improve the world a bit.

[Sweet Sue]

No, I would not. Why would you even consider a relationship with someone like that. Apparently he doesn't seem like a person who lives by any moral code. You deserve better than that. I would say you dodged a bullet.

[Starlight925]

The older I get, the less I view things in black and white. On the surface, with no other information, you wouldn't date someone who had been unfaithful. But you have to put yourself in their shoes. Some marriages are so bereft of sex, intimacy, physical affection, that it pushes people beyond their normal limits. They would all (or most)acknowledge it wasn't a good thing and not the best course of action. It's so easy to condemn and dismiss people for infidelity, or any number of mistakes, but each situation is unique. Viewing all with some compassion seems like a thing that would improve the world a bit.

 

Actually, this is why I continued with him. I figured, every marriage has its ups & downs, nothing is black & white, etc.

 

But, and here's the big one...... not only did he never take responsibility, he actually blames both the other woman and his ex-wife. Nor does he feel remorse.

 

Now that's where I draw the line.

 

To me, not taking responsibility is black & white: You either take responsibility and show remorse, or you don't.

[abitbroken]

Actually, this is why I continued with him. I figured, every marriage has its ups & downs, nothing is black & white, etc.

 

But, and here's the big one...... not only did he never take responsibility, he actually blames both the other woman and his ex-wife. Nor does he feel remorse.

 

Now that's where I draw the line.

 

To me, not taking responsibility is black & white: You either take responsibility and show remorse, or you don't.

 

But a good man would leave the marriage after trying to work on it with his wife instead of cheating or would find other rewarding aspects of the marriage. He wouldn't have a lengthy affair with a married woman. It is Black and white.

[Batya33]

This is so true.

 

As I said, I take full responsibility for continuing. I mean, he told me on our second date!!! And I still went out for 18 months. Jeez, slapping myself.

 

He had this kind, humble facade thing going on. He's not a particularly good-looking guy. He's "all about his kids", etc., so he's not the typical narcissist you'd think of.

 

And I fell for it all.....what an idiot I am.

 

Just trying to do a personal house-cleaning as I re-enter the dating world!

 

This thread was brought on by a profile I just read of a guy who said that if you've ever had an affair on your husband, don't contact him, and he went into a bit about how he had made that mistake before, and how important a marital promise is. It made me think.....I should definitely have the same deal breaker for next time.

 

But I would not put such negative info in a dating profile - just find out what you can early on. No I would not date someone who'd had an affair like that.

[Starlight925]

But a good man would leave the marriage after trying to work on it with his wife instead of cheating or would find other rewarding aspects of the marriage. He wouldn't have a lengthy affair with a married woman. It is Black and white.

 

Oh, totally agreed. The only right thing is to end the marriage prior to looking to see what's out there. Very black & white.

 

I was responding to the prior poster who had said that things are not black & white. I think it is: you are either married and totally monogamous, or you are not.

 

The sour icing on the cake is the fact that 20 years later, he still does not take responsibility nor show remorse.

 

Again, I should have known better. I was caught up in the newness, the excitement, the "oh wow, he likes me!!" stupidity of it all. LHGirl

[Starlight925]

But I would not put such negative info in a dating profile - just find out what you can early on. No I would not date someone who'd had an affair like that.

 

I totally agree, Batya. I never put any negatives in my profile.

 

But when I read that, something clicked in me, and I was like.....duh.....I knew this from date #2.

[GRD 789]

Actually, this is why I continued with him. I figured, every marriage has its ups & downs, nothing is black & white, etc.

 

But, and here's the big one...... not only did he never take responsibility, he actually blames both the other woman and his ex-wife. Nor does he feel remorse.

 

Now that's where I draw the line.

 

To me, not taking responsibility is black & white: You either take responsibility and show remorse, or you don't.

 

That is very reasonable. When there is a cluster of behaviors that constitute deeper issues, that person won't make a good partner. But it's always easier to give advice to another since you're not invested in the outcome. Everyone is flawed and we've all made mistakes. The affair is not necessarily a reason to write him off, but not acknowledging his role appears to be a character flaw that makes him a bad mate.