Would you date someone who had had a long-term affair on their spouse?

[boltnrun]

A four year affair is not a "mistake". He didn't accidentally drive 200 miles to get laid for four years. He did that on purpose.

[figureitout23]

It's funny - I've met and dated a lot of guys who said "my ex was crazy" but they always neglect to say what drove her "crazy" (maybe she was crazy because he was slinking off all hours of the night and coming home with lipstick stains on his shirt????)

 

This is 100% the truth. Every single time those words exited a mans mouth, the crazy making actions came out soon after and Im sitting there thinking, ' I'm about to be labeled a crazy ex like all the others cause I'm about to cut this dude.' Every.single.time.

[Snny]

A four year affair is not a "mistake". He didn't accidentally drive 200 miles to get laid for four years. He did that on purpose.

 

Since this is directed to my post, you missed the entire point. The important part is if the guy fessed up to a problem and accepted the fault. This shows honesty courage. Not many people would do this, but it does show a better character than straight up blaming someone else. And being on this forum for awhile, I have read countless threads of posters climbing into emotional affairs and not fully realizing it until it was too late. Not everyone has common sense.

 

What the guy did was downright disgusting. The big question is if he is trying to move on from his past. And based on his words to LHGirl... He clearly hasn't learned from his problem.

[boltnrun]

Since this is directed to my post, you missed the entire point. The important part is if the guy fessed up to a problem and accepted the fault. This shows honesty courage. Not many people would do this, but it does show a better character than straight up blaming someone else. And being on this forum for awhile, I have read countless threads of posters climbing into emotional affairs and not fully realizing it until it was too late. Not everyone has common sense.

 

What the guy did was downright disgusting. The big question is if he is trying to move on from his past. And based on his words to LHGirl... He clearly hasn't learned from his problem.

 

Actually my post was not directed at you.

[SherrySher]

I don't for one moment believe that any affair is okay or wasn't intended.

I have a very strong opinion about that sort of thing and I too believe that if you're having a rough marriage, do everything you can to fix it, if it can't be fixed, have respect and don't bring someone else into it until the divorce papers are signed.

This shows integrity.

You don't need to jump from one bed to the next and the ending of a marriage can be very painful. The least someone can do it mourn it properly and end things properly before going to someone else.

 

Deceit, betrayal, disrespect, lying are all very black and white, you would only be fooling yourself to try and paint it as anything else. Not everyone has those things in them and it's not what anyone would want in a partner.

[Sportster2005]

Actually, this is why I continued with him. I figured, every marriage has its ups & downs, nothing is black & white, etc.

 

But, and here's the big one...... not only did he never take responsibility, he actually blames both the other woman and his ex-wife. Nor does he feel remorse.

 

Now that's where I draw the line.

 

To me, not taking responsibility is black & white: You either take responsibility and show remorse, or you don't.

 

Cheating IS black and white. There are no acceptable reasons, only rationalizations.

[catfeeder]

Would you date someone who had had an affair on their spouse?

 

Nope. He wouldn't even have a shot with me.

 

basically: I never did trust him.

 

^^^This is why.

 

Life is too short to position myself in a relationship with anyone I wouldn't trust. As you've learned, it's no way to live. So rather than spin your wheels and waste any more of your valuable time analyzing and deconstructing and diagnosing HIM, question instead why YOU would voluntarily elect to position yourself for such a lousy deal.

 

Nobody, and I do mean nobody, is fabulous enough to set yourself up for that kind of torture. Sure, his attention might feel great until you learn the fact that he owns the capacity for disloyalty and deceit toward someone he once convinced of his 'love,' so there's really nothing more that would interest me in learning about him.

 

I'd move my focus FORward with a valuable lesson learned, and I wouldn't allow him one more second of my headspace. I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this with a brand new level of intolerance for any degree of untrustworthiness in a potential date. I'd set my trust meter to a neutral 5 with every new person I meet, and then I'd observe carefully and allow them to demonstrate whether I should invest more trust or withdraw it--and withdrawing trust means that I walk away--and quickly.

 

Head high.

[reinventmyself]

A four year affair is not a "mistake". He didn't accidentally drive 200 miles to get laid for four years. He did that on purpose.

 

I dated some one for a short time and when he justified an affair, he casually brushed it off as if it was a mistake and `everyone makes mistakes'.

But the fact that he didn't take responsibility, showed zero remorse and it went on for a certain time period - I told him:

That's not a mistake. That's a lifestyle.

 

I do not have it my moral makeup to have an affair. I could not and will not.

I also choose to not associate with someone who lacks the integrity to resist `being seduced' for a day, let alone 4 freakin' years.

 

That's so wrong on so many levels.

Married, 4 years, his best friend and deflects any responsibility for it and blames the other person.

[Starlight925]

I dated some one for a short time and when he justified an affair, he casually brushed it off as if it was a mistake and `everyone makes mistakes'.

But the fact that he didn't take responsibility, showed zero remorse and it went on for a certain time period - I told him:

That's not a mistake. That's a lifestyle.

 

I do not have it my moral makeup to have an affair. I could not and will not.

I also choose to not associate with someone who lacks the integrity to resist `being seduced' for a day, let alone 4 freakin' years.

 

That's so wrong on so many levels.

Married, 4 years, his best friend and deflects any responsibility for it and blames the other person.

 

So right, reinventmyself. In doing my relationship autopsy, in an attempt to see what part was my responsibility, I take it back to our 2nd date, where he told me all of this, and I did.....nothing. Nada.

 

I realize that I can't change anything about him. I can only change how I proceed, going forward.

[Honeycomb8]

No, I wouldn't touch that thing with a 20 feet pole.

 

 

Someone that cheats, esp cheats in this way is a horrible selfish human being.

[Honeycomb8]

I dated some one for a short time and when he justified an affair, he casually brushed it off as if it was a mistake and `everyone makes mistakes'.

But the fact that he didn't take responsibility, showed zero remorse and it went on for a certain time period - I told him:

That's not a mistake. That's a lifestyle.

 

I do not have it my moral makeup to have an affair. I could not and will not.

I also choose to not associate with someone who lacks the integrity to resist `being seduced' for a day, let alone 4 freakin' years.

 

That's so wrong on so many levels.

Married, 4 years, his best friend and deflects any responsibility for it and blames the other person.

 

I know. That is so wrong it boggles my mind how anyone could possibly condone or justify it.

[Sweet Sue]

"Affairs........take you further than you want to go, keeps you longer than you want to stay, and costs more than your willing to pay."