My boyfriend won't apologise for starting a silly fight

[DancingFool]

He certainly did pick a ridiculous fight with you. That said, I do think that you need to pay attention to the underlying message of this fight because what he is telling you is "I feel inadequate." Of course he is not going to walk that back and he is not likely going to admit that much to you outright. Admitting that to you would probably feel like yet another blow to his ego and feelings of inadequacy.

 

So maybe take a step back from this stand off, and take a look at your overall relationship dynamic and what all else is happening in his life that's leaving him feeling bad about himself. It might give you a clue and some avenues on how to go about addressing whatever it is that triggered the meltdown. It's ye olde you can be right or you can be happy and sometimes in long term relationships, you do need to be the bigger person and set aside your own ego in order to resolve the issues.

[journeynow]

I suspect there is more to this. We don't have the full picture. He came home and you were vacuuming and he go upset. Sounds straightforward, but we don't have his perspective. Can't tell what impression you gave while vacuuming. Was it more important than greeting him? Were you giving off a vibe of judgement? The fact that you insist on this being a win-lose scenario is more telling than the actual situation. Where is the communication between you two? Where are you listening to him without correcting him or defending yourself, and vise-verse?

[25Kathryn]

I cleaned up. He still didn't say a word. What's next?

 

I am definitely not apologising first. He started that fight by telling me off for tidying up, which is ridiculous. He hurt me so much with this.

[j.man]

I cleaned up. He still didn't say a word. What's next?

 

I am definitely not apologising first. He started that fight by telling me off for tidying up, which is ridiculous. He hurt me so much with this.

Did you expect a "thank you" for cleaning up your dirty clothes and dishes?

 

Honestly-- and even as someone who's very much no-BS about not entertaining arguments over petty matters and holding my partner to the standard of communicating the real issue-- I'm having a hard time understanding how personally you're taking it. Did he call you names? Open up an old wound? What exactly makes you so afraid to simply communicate with him?

[journeynow]

I was actually hoping that someone can advise what I should do in this situation to solve this issue between us and not just to move out.

 

Also, just wanted to add that it's not like he is a messy person and I like it to be clean. We both like when our place is clean and we both tidy up. It's just this one time he reacted like that and I don't know why and what to do about it. I don't think that I should leave the person because of one silly argument.

So if anyone could share their thoughts on this particular issue, I would much appreciate it.

 

I cleaned up. He still didn't say a word. What's next?

 

I am definitely not apologising first. He started that fight by telling me off for tidying up, which is ridiculous. He hurt me so much with this.

 

OK, so you are hoping for advice. What would you like to hear? What would work for you that YOU can do?

 

You said yourself that this is a silly argument. You think he is being ridiculous, but I bet he doesn't feel the same. It's not likely he decided to be ridiculous in reaction to your being industrious around the house. Something else is going on. You said yourself you don't know why he reacted the way he did. AND you have asked "if anyone could share their thoughts on this particular issue, you would appreciate it." My advice is to ask HIM to share his thoughts behind his reaction, and listen to what he says. I mean, listen to the deeper message, about him, about you, about the relationship. Listen because it is information. Not about right vs. wrong, justified vs ridiculous, it is information with which you can work with in your life. Does is mean there is something fundamental about him that you can't understand? Would you like to? Is it a possible red flag about compatibility? Could it be a misunderstanding about intent? We all give meaning to things that happen in our lives, and sometimes two people in the same situation will see it and interpret it differently. If I were in this situation I would find a way to break the stalemate, show I care, and start a dialogue without making either of us Right or Wrong.

[25Kathryn]

Did you expect a "thank you" for cleaning up your dirty clothes and dishes?

 

Honestly-- and even as someone who's very much no-BS about not entertaining arguments over petty matters and holding my partner to the standard of communicating the real issue-- I'm having a hard time understanding how personally you're taking it. Did he call you names? Open up an old wound? What exactly makes you so afraid to simply communicate with him?

 

 

No, I didn't expect him to say thank you! I think you are missing the pint here.

The only reason why I stopped cleaning yo - and I told him I would and why - was because I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine. I wanted to show him that it's not nice to live in a filthy house!

 

And I did try talking to him on that day but he was just very nasty to me and than when I wanted to talk about it, he was just ignoring me so yes, I tried to communicate with him normally but it didn't work so what was I supposed to do, just leave it when he was very mean and hurt me? And it's not even that, it seems to me that it makes him feel better about himself if he can make me cry and hurt. Sometimes he gets so cruel that it seems like he gets from it his energy to go through the next few days!

 

And also by cleaning up I hoped he will see that I made the first step. And I'm tired of hearing all the time that I need to apologise first as I used to do it and it took me nowhere.

And if you were talking to a woman whose partner bits her up every time he's drunk, would you also tell her it's her fault? Because she provoked him? No way, I did the first step but now I AM WAITING for his, it's his turn now!!!

[j.man]

What does he say that's nasty and cruel?

 

On one hand, you isolate the incident and say you don't want to throw away a relationship based on one silly argument, and on the other, you portray him as a verbally abusive partner who's incapable of communication.

[nutbrownhare]

The only reason why I stopped cleaning yo - and I told him I would and why - was because I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine. I wanted to show him that it's not nice to live in a filthy house!

 

This really isn't helpful. It's playing games, and will ensure that you won't get what you want in the way of communication.

 

You can't do anything about his communication skills, but you CAN ensure that you don't contribute to an already unpleasant situation. While you're fixated on how he ought to apologise, and how he was wrong and you are right, nothing's going to improve. While you carry on the game of "he started it!" by being stubborn and passive-aggressive, nothing's going to improve.

 

The cleaning or lack of it really isn't the issue here. It's the back-and-forth, no-win predictable game-playing which is. Here's a link to information about the Drama Triangle:

 

If you can recognise the roles which BOTH of you are playing in this scenario, then you are very much better equipped to resolve the situation - for yourself, at least.

[25Kathryn]

What does he say that's nasty and cruel?

 

On one hand, you isolate the incident and say you don't want to throw away a relationship based on one silly argument, and on the other, you portray him as a verbally abusive partner who's incapable of communication.

 

Because I wanted advice on this particular incident. It's really impossible to mention everything that is going on but yes, he makes me cry a lot and never ever ever apologised once. It's always me reaching out no matter whose fault is was and I'm tired of it. I still love him but I'm just tired of how cruel he can be to me. Some time ago I had a car accident as a car bumped into me. Luckily nothing major but I was in a shock and shaking. Shortly later he started arguing with me and just left me there. Said I should drive back home myself. He didn't even care if I was able to drive then and didn't care if something would happen to me. Then for about 2 weeks I had nightmares about that accident and was crying while I was sleeping and waking up screaming. Or I would start to shake during the day and cry. He didn't even give me a hug. EVeryone else was calling me and asking if I was OK and if I needed anything and he just wasn't there for me.

[25Kathryn]

This really isn't helpful. It's playing games, and will ensure that you won't get what you want in the way of communication.

 

You can't do anything about his communication skills, but you CAN ensure that you don't contribute to an already unpleasant situation. While you're fixated on how he ought to apologise, and how he was wrong and you are right, nothing's going to improve. While you carry on the game of "he started it!" by being stubborn and passive-aggressive, nothing's going to improve.

 

The cleaning or lack of it really isn't the issue here. It's the back-and-forth, no-win predictable game-playing which is. Here's a link to information about the Drama Triangle:

 

If you can recognise the roles which BOTH of you are playing in this scenario, then you are very much better equipped to resolve the situation - for yourself, at least.

 

Thanks. I'm just tired of always being the one to reach out. As I said. he never ever apologised one in those 4 years that we've been together.

[journeynow]

Because I wanted advice on this particular incident. It's really impossible to mention everything that is going on but yes, he makes me cry a lot and never ever ever apologised once. It's always me reaching out no matter whose fault is was and I'm tired of it. I still love him but I'm just tired of how cruel he can be to me. Some time ago I had a car accident as a car bumped into me. Luckily nothing major but I was in a shock and shaking. Shortly later he started arguing with me and just left me there. Said I should drive back home myself. He didn't even care if I was able to drive then and didn't care if something would happen to me. Then for about 2 weeks I had nightmares about that accident and was crying while I was sleeping and waking up screaming. Or I would start to shake during the day and cry. He didn't even give me a hug. EVeryone else was calling me and asking if I was OK and if I needed anything and he just wasn't there for me.

 

Just be careful you're not missing the forest for the trees. Focusing on trying to fix this one argument may cloud over the need to address a bigger issue.

 

Something to know: loving someone does not guarantee compatibility. Pay attention to the whole relationship and decide to continue, or change. You can only change what you do. He may or may not change as a result.

[nutbrownhare]

he never ever apologised one in those 4 years that we've been together.

 

This incident apart, does he nevertheless change his behaviour without actually apologising? Some people feel particularly vulnerable when they apologise, but they do actually take on board the other person's feelings without admitting it. THAT'S what you need to look at - words, apologies etc are empty without actions to follow them up, but if he actually does as you ask then that's all you need to know - whether he's uttered the words or not. Needing him to be sufficiently sorry is doing you no favours at all.

 

If your requests are reasonable and he's purposely obstructionist, you need to be asking if this is a relationship you want to be in.

[Romanticheart1]

He didn't even care if I was able to drive then and didn't care if something would happen to me. Then for about 2 weeks I had nightmares about that accident and was crying while I was sleeping and waking up screaming. Or I would start to shake during the day and cry. He didn't even give me a hug. EVeryone else was calling me and asking if I was OK and if I needed anything and he just wasn't there for me.

 

This sounds like bad, bad news.

[25Kathryn]

This incident apart, does he nevertheless change his behaviour without actually apologising?

No, he never changed anything either and he keeps doing things that make me sad.

[nutbrownhare]

Some time ago I had a car accident as a car bumped into me. Luckily nothing major but I was in a shock and shaking. Shortly later he started arguing with me and just left me there. Said I should drive back home myself. He didn't even care if I was able to drive then and didn't care if something would happen to me. Then for about 2 weeks I had nightmares about that accident and was crying while I was sleeping and waking up screaming. Or I would start to shake during the day and cry. He didn't even give me a hug. EVeryone else was calling me and asking if I was OK and if I needed anything and he just wasn't there for me.

 

Er... this REALLY isn't someone you should be in a relationship with. Forget about the cleaning. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

[Seraphim]

This is not a relationship worth saving. I am sorry.

[boltnrun]

What is it that holds you there? Besides "But I love him!" And besides years invested.

[j.man]

Some time ago I had a car accident as a car bumped into me. Luckily nothing major but I was in a shock and shaking. Shortly later he started arguing with me and just left me there.

So you get into an accident and he shows up, yells at you, and leaves? That captures that whole story exact?

[Hollyj]

Why are you with this guy? Why don't you love yourself enough to be done?

[Lester]

"Nowadays people are too quick to leave..."

- No, nowadays people are too quick to have noncommittal sex. Once done, they try to patch that empty love into genuine love by playing house.

 

"...our first argument."

- It wasn't an argument.

 

If not abuse; he may be getting rid of you to make room for his new house-keeper?

Either way, the net result is almost always the same. You/girls lose four to six prime years of your/their lives.

[MissCanuck]

Why exactly are you hanging on to a guy who makes you so sad and hurt?

[East4]

Kathryn, your BF is an insecure man and insecure men make for bad boyfriends and husbands, because they need loads of attention and constant proofs that they are in control.

Some insecure men seek attention from other women while being in relationships, other jerks make their girlfriends jealous on purpose to feel desired and validated that they are worthy, other-like your BF-orchestrate ridiculous situations to get a rise from their partners, or insult their partners and refuse to apologies, then they sit back and enjoy the reaction, the tears and the hurt. This makes them feel powerful in a twisted way, because they say to themselves "oh , look how upset I made her, I hold such a power over her, I'm powerful and I'm a MAN (the last word being his major fear that he is not much of a such

 

Insecure men's hall mark is that they NEVER apologize. Not because they do not realize that they are at fault, they do; but they are not men enough to acknowledge their mistakes. Your boyfriend most probably sees saying sorry as a weakness and vulnerability. And because he is insecure in his manhood, he would rather lose you, than say sorry, i.e. admitting weakness.

 

As soon as something made him question his worth, he will turn to you to validate his power, by being an a$$hole to you, make you upset and refuse to apologise. The refusal to apologise is a major source of sick pleasure to him, because he knows that you desire an apology so badly, so he feels God-like by withholding it from you. It is like refusing a slice of bread to a hungry child.

 

And your gut was telling you the truth, that actually he gets energized after hurting you. He is emotionally abusive to you and no amounts of talking and pleading will take you anywhere. The only thing that he will understand is your dumping his a$$. Not immediately, but after a few months he may start questioning his treatment of you. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

If you stay his abuse will worsen because it is in men's nature to push the limits and he will push it to se how much crap you are willing to take from him.

I do think that you have to distance yourself from this insecure man.

[IAmFCA]

Kathryn, your BF is an insecure man and insecure men make for bad boyfriends and husbands, because they need loads of attention and constant proofs that they are in control.

Some insecure men seek attention from other women while being in relationships, other jerks make their girlfriends jealous on purpose to feel desired and validated that they are worthy, other-like your BF-orchestrate ridiculous situations to get a rise from their partners, or insult their partners and refuse to apologies, then they sit back and enjoy the reaction, the tears and the hurt. This makes them feel powerful in a twisted way, because they say to themselves "oh , look how upset I made her, I hold such a power over her, I'm powerful and I'm a MAN (the last word being his major fear that he is not much of a such

 

Insecure men's hall mark is that they NEVER apologize. Not because they do not realize that they are at fault, they do; but they are not men enough to acknowledge their mistakes. Your boyfriend most probably sees saying sorry as a weakness and vulnerability. And because he is insecure in his manhood, he would rather lose you, than say sorry, i.e. admitting weakness.

 

As soon as something made him question his worth, he will turn to you to validate his power, by being an a$$hole to you, make you upset and refuse to apologise. The refusal to apologise is a major source of sick pleasure to him, because he knows that you desire an apology so badly, so he feels God-like by withholding it from you. It is like refusing a slice of bread to a hungry child.

 

And your gut was telling you the truth, that actually he gets energized after hurting you. He is emotionally abusive to you and no amounts of talking and pleading will take you anywhere. The only thing that he will understand is your dumping his a$$. Not immediately, but after a few months he may start questioning his treatment of you. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

If you stay his abuse will worsen because it is in men's nature to push the limits and he will push it to se how much crap you are willing to take from him.

I do think that you have to distance yourself from this insecure man.

 

Yes.

 

When the judge finally granted the divorce that my ex eventually requested, my ex was overcome with sobbing and regret that he failed -- this regret did not occur to him over the, say, 10 years prior, when he introduced our kids to his mistress (the others were married), moved in with her, sued to move the kids to his new state, and stopped working and therefore was not a candidate for paying support.

 

I was aghast when he called me with hardly enough breath between sobs to speak.

 

I could not have made myself any smaller in an effort to help him seem bigger. I never should have. I finally saw it as an affront to God to think our church-made commitment was a God blessed union. No God sanctioned union would sacrifice one life for another.

 

Myb God driven logic helped me get comfortable with leaving him, but it need not have the faith aspect to be logical.

 

No need to disrespect yourself in service to someone else. Love makes you bigger, not smaller.