Success Stories: Finding someone better for you

[Radiate21]

Okay, ENA. I am trying a new approach to healing from this breakup. I've seen some success story threads from the past, and I'd love to get one started up again.

 

Could anyone please share their experiences with losing a great person, suffering through the grief, and then finding another person they love and connect with as much or more? Someone who treats them as well or even better?

 

I am talking about losing a relationship with a person who was loyal, caring, sweet, attentive, who you connected with wonderfully, and who you just don't have all that many bad things to say about.

How do you move on without feeling regret and fear that something like that won't come around again?

 

For context, I'm straight/female, 23, and we were together for 3 years.

 

Thanks in advance for the hope, everyone :star:

[DancingFool]

Well....you don't have a choice but to move on......

I mean you have to allow yourself to grieve and then realize that the person you were with just wasn't that perfect for you after all. Something was missing.

 

Some good friends of mine were a couple for many years. As much as they seemed super happy and a great match....something was still missing between them. Eventually they broke up and he moved out of state for work. She was devastated, and felt exactly like she's lost everything and nothing will ever be good again. However, she plunged herself into all the things she loves to do and met a wonderful guy who is also into the same hobbies. They are now happily married and all I can say is that as much as the previous relationship seemed great.....looking her and her husband, this relationship IS the right one for them. She is truly happy and blessed, so the break up that happened was the right thing to happen. I firmly believe that things happen in life for a reason, including the timing.

[Pleasedonot5]

I appreciate you posting this thread, Radiate21.

 

I'm 22 straight/male, and I was together with my ex partner a long time ago too. Currently going through the same thing as you -- been broken up for 2 years now. Could use some inspirational stories. As for me, I have none, but thought you would appreciate that you are definitely not alone in this struggle.

[WombatShadow]

Try getting into your head that you don't need someone better, but different.

 

It sounds like you both have your exes up on a pedestal, and that's not healthy or good in any way. It's easy to do, believe me; it's only recently that my ex's pedestal is beginning to topple for me. What really helped was going out and talking with a really great guy, and even though that date seems a one and done it showed me that other guys (who I wouldn't normally be interested in) have a lot to offer. I hadn't laughed so much in a long time, or had someone flirt with me.

 

The other side is to remember that you decide what is good for you. You keep yourself as your best self, whatever that looks like, and if you keep your eyes, ears, and options open you'll find that there are good people for you all around. Make friends with your coworkers outside of the job and see if they know anyone interested; try online dating; join a community group like a theater or choir. People are out there for all of us.

[Viewcart]

Ok here's some optimism. My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago. He was definitely a good catch, successful and handsome. I was devastated, legit thought I would never be able to find a better man. Didn't leave my room for a month LOL.

 

Anyways I was sick of feeling sorry for myself so I started to casual date. It was fun dressing up and looking good again. None of them could replace my ex so after a month I was beginning to give up hope UNTIL I accepted a date from a man who is now my boyfriend. I didn't have any expectations, he's also, if not more successful and handsome than my ex, but that doesn't mean we would click emotionally. He picked me up from home on our first date and to my surprise, the moment I saw him I knew he's special; it was instant connection for both of us. From then on he asked me out twice a week and we dated for a month until he decided to make it official.

 

Now of course I wish my ex the best. If you asked me a few months ago if I would take my ex back I would've in a heart beat, but if you ask me the same question now, I would reject the idea. Both men have their own unique positive and negative attributes, but in summary I am extremely happy with my current man and wouldn't want anyone else. I expect that we will encounter bumps ahead like every relationships do, but I've learned to be a better partner from my previous relationship so i'm ready.

 

This heartbreak did me good. It has taught me the lesson that every relationship is either a muscle builder or winner. Also, life is too short to live in fear and regrets.

[mynameisneo]

As far as looks and sex were concerned, my ex absolutely deserved her pedestal. On a scale of 1-10 she was a solid 10 in the looks department. Absolutely perfect. And, given that our relationship was primarily based on sex and not much else, I can state with certainty that, at least in my experience, she was at the very top of every partner I've had.

 

These 2 factors made her so hard to get over. I can't deny either of those things because they're true. And they absolutely made my recovery harder.

 

Until I met the girl I'm seeing now. I don't know if it will turn into anything serious, I really don't. But she's also incredibly beautiful, just drop dead gorgeous. And we have not been intimate yet, but she's a fantastic kisser. Every bit as good as my ex. So if that's any indicator, hopefully exciting times ahead.

 

The concept of better is all relative. In some cases, it's in our head, in some cases, there really are some attributes that will be hard to replace. My ex was incredibly hot and spectacular in bed, but an emotional wreck in many ways with a lot of baggage. Would I date someone who doesn't look as good, and doesn't have physical intimacy so well dialed? If we were emotionally compatible, and made each other happy, absolutely.

 

Better is what ultimately makes you happy in the wider spectrum of your relationship. There are literally billions of people out there. The odds of finding someone better are absolutely in your favor.

[Carus]

Don't get sucked in to the myth of 'The One'....

 

'The One' is the one who is loving you at the moment.

 

If you break up then obviously they're NOT 'The One' right...?

 

I am 48. Since high school I have had my heart SMASHED to pieces 8 times!! A few of those extremely traumatic!

 

I separated from my wife 6 weeks ago.

 

I have deeply loved all of those women and I will love again.....

 

Carus*

[Radiate21]

Thank you so much to each one of you. I read through this entire thread several times per day just to keep myself going. I think the self-blame is part of what makes it difficult. Like, if he had (God forbid) died in a car crash, it would be easier for me to envision finding someone new one day, but because I blame myself for "ruining my chances" with him, I guess I have some sort of worry that I'll be eternally punished for that. Or I'm not deserving, I dunno. Make sense?

 

Anyway, I went on a date last night, even though it's only been a week and a half since the breakup and I spent the entire day in bed. My mom forced me to! He was a super sweet guy and he knows that I'm currently getting over my ex but still wants to hang out again. He doesn't seem to have that wonderful sense of humor that my ex has, and I'm not sure if he'll be able to make me laugh quite the same, but for now at least I can see that there really are other super nice, considerate guys out there who are also cute and who like me!

 

Keep those success stories coming, please

[Ziggy123]

I think a week and a half is probably too soon for another date. Give yourself some time and when you genuinely want to date again and get excited to meet new people then go for it. Don't let anyone rush you in. It's ok to take some time single and enjoy it and when you meet someone you really like whenever that is you can get into another relationship.

[Radiate21]

It's day 12 since the breakup and I still can't eat. I feel like I'm going to throw up all the time. I got to work early for the first time just because my boss noticed I've been coming in late. But I can't focus on anything except for my sadness.

 

I'm so lonely and feel so empty. I finally blocked his number last night. I'm committed to NC from now forward. His cold, emotionless responses to my texts were even worse than not hearing from him. I wish he gave me reasons to be angry with him.

 

I love him so, so much. I don't know how I'm going to move on. I don't think I've gotten any better.

[Rustysuit]

It's day 12 since the breakup and I still can't eat. I feel like I'm going to throw up all the time. I got to work early for the first time just because my boss noticed I've been coming in late. But I can't focus on anything except for my sadness.

 

I'm so lonely and feel so empty. I finally blocked his number last night. I'm committed to NC from now forward. His cold, emotionless responses to my texts were even worse than not hearing from him. I wish he gave me reasons to be angry with him.

 

I love him so, so much. I don't know how I'm going to move on. I don't think I've gotten any better.

 

12 days is no time at all. The physical effects of a breakup will last up to 3 months (loss of appetite, no sleep, crying and crying and crying) but you can mitigate some of these, especially the eating and the sleeping which are very harmful if left unchecked. In my first of 2 BU's I lost 6kgs - I was already skinny - from 61kg to 55kg! I'm at 1,73cm so you can imagine how I looked like. I then forced myself to start working out. Some days after, I still have no real hunger, but my body is asking for nutrients so then I have to eat. The protein shakes were really helpful because it's a drink and not a real meal. Anyway it helped me with the loss of weight and prevented my body from completely breaking down. It also helped me with the sleep because I was more tired and could fall asleep faster.

 

So, what I'm saying is: you need to control what is controllable! That means, the eating and sleeping. The pain won't go away, but there are steps you can take in order not to completely shut down. I'd recommend some exercise and meditation until your body adjusts to the BU and stops this withdrawal period (love is very much a drug and when the other person leaves, you basically go through physical withdrawal). Also, force yourself to eat something. I know everything will taste bland and you'll leave most of it on the plate, but force it down. Complement the meals with something during the day - maybe like I did, some highly nutrient milkshakes? and go to your doctor if needed. I had to go on anxiety pills for 20 days and they helped me getting the sleep I needed.

 

I know people will talk smack about medication, but every person is different and a little help along the way doesn't hurt. I really needed those pills because I was hitting rock bottom and my brain was completely shutting down even though my body was fine (I didn't lose any weight and I kept working out - but that was something I already did before the BU). I had trouble sleeping and all my days were filled with this weight on my chest and stomach. One day I couldn't breathe and I collapsed on the floor in front of my horrified mother. Even then I didn't want to go the hospital. It was like admitting defeat. In my mind I was like "WHY AM I LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF A GIRL? NO WONDER SHE LEFT ME. I'M A WEAK PIECE OF !" and maybe that all is true. Maybe. But the truth is, I really needed pills in order to keep my anxiety in check. I took them for 20 days and when they were over, I didn't need them anymore because they helped with the withdrawal and with the reaction my body had to the loss of love.

 

Anyway, don't be afraid to ask for help where it is provided. Medicine is here to help us. As I said, try to control what is controllable.

Face this BU head on. It's going to suck and painful for some time, but you need to refuse defeat. Say to yourself that everything you're feeling right now is normal. Because it is. But there are some steps you can take to help yourself. And that's all you need to do right now. Help yourself.

[Radiate21]

Thank you, Rustysuit. It helps to know that what I'm going through is normal. It gives me hope that I'm not doomed to feel like this forever, even if it feels like it right now.

 

I'm just worried that my unhealthy thoughts are going to make my recovery take longer than most.

 

I can't stop thinking about how my ex had no red flags about him, he was so genuine and sweet and funny and supportive. I'm scared that I won't find another guy like that who is everything I need.

 

What if I blew my only shot at being with someone great who I love so much???

 

I'm horrified. So horrified.

[Ziggy123]

Radiate...i can relate to what you said about not finding anyone as good as your ex. I felt the same way after my break up. My break up was also my fault so I had the extra guilt and regret.

 

The funniest thing happened...as soon as I decided to move on for real (it took 3 months before I was ready to let go of my ex) and really soon after that I met an amazing guy who is now my boyfriend. He is so sweet and funny and cute and has some characteristics that I always wished my ex had more of. They are both good guys but I was so happy to meet someone else who I get along just as well with, who's a really great guy.

 

I hope this gives you hope that the same will happen for you. Also your ex isn't perfect so take them off the pedestal. Everyone has flaws and your ex wasn't the best person in the world although they may seem that way to you or think that themselves.

[Radiate21]

Radiate...i can relate to what you said about not finding anyone as good as your ex. I felt the same way after my break up. My break up was also my fault so I had the extra guilt and regret.

 

The funniest thing happened...as soon as I decided to move on for real (it took 3 months before I was ready to let go of my ex) and really soon after that I met an amazing guy who is now my boyfriend. He is so sweet and funny and cute and has some characteristics that I always wished my ex had more of. They are both good guys but I was so happy to meet someone else who I get along just as well with, who's a really great guy.

 

I hope this gives you hope that the same will happen for you. Also your ex isn't perfect so take them off the pedestal. Everyone has flaws and your ex wasn't the best person in the world although they may seem that way to you or think that themselves.

Oh thank you, Ziggy. You've given me some hope. I read through your previous threads and it sounds like you have been through so much. I am so sorry for your pain and I understand what you have been feeling. I am glad that you have found someone new

[Radiate21]

Anyone have more success stories?

[dave4443]

Happens all the time, my friend was head over heels and they were a great couple, she dumped him can't remember what happened think she cheated. He was a wreck for a while, alcohol drugs and hit a bad low. Sorted himself out after a while, dated a few people but last year he met a girl who is literally him. They get on so well probably the best couple I've ever seen, even when I was with my ex I wished I had a relationship like theirs, which kinda helps as I know I can find it some day like he did.

 

Don't settle like most people do. As most people are not fully happy with their partners, compared to them anyway, they are what true love is and apart from my parents they're the only other couple I've ever seen like that.

 

Just hang in there gets better x

[Radiate21]

Happens all the time, my friend was head over heels and they were a great couple, she dumped him can't remember what happened think she cheated. He was a wreck for a while, alcohol drugs and hit a bad low. Sorted himself out after a while, dated a few people but last year he met a girl who is literally him. They get on so well probably the best couple I've ever seen, even when I was with my ex I wished I had a relationship like theirs, which kinda helps as I know I can find it some day like he did.

 

Don't settle like most people do. As most people are not fully happy with their partners, compared to them anyway, they are what true love is and apart from my parents they're the only other couple I've ever seen like that.

 

Just hang in there gets better x

 

Thanks, Dave. That's really nice to hear. My ex and I didn't have that kind of relationship. One of my friends even told me that he never saw the two of us as compatible. And my sister told me about a year ago that she doesn't think he's the right guy for me, and she basically shares my soul. So, maybe there really was something missing and I'm just having trouble seeing it right now.

 

Gosh, it would be so nice to find a relationship like that. One that's truly, truly right.