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WombatShadow

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  1. Either the guy I went on a date with has talked and is talking about the date to people, my friends/SIL cannot keep their mouth shut, or the biggest gossip in my zip code saw us in Starbucks (possibly some combination of the above), because it feels like the entire theater association that we're a part of knows we went on a date. I don't care about people knowing, in fact I'd be surprised if word didn't travel about it since the women of this group have been trying to hook us up since at least June. But now there are people who I don't even know beyond a passing conversation who are asking if there's a thing between us, and friends who I haven't seen or talked to in months pointedly dropping his name or asking me questions about him (a couple times with a literal wink-nudge), and a drunken acquaintance at a house party who took me aside to slur about how she knew we would be so perfect and to just give him time and he probably doesn't even know that I like him and we'd just be the best couple ever. My friend-coworker told me last week that two people have reached out to her for information on me and this dude, promising to corner me at the next available moment to grill me when she wouldn't give any details. I also got invited out by some of his friends to a group function wherein I was rather quiet (I was still recovering from my illness and was tired and not feeling well by early in the evening), which led to more of him moping about being single on Facebook and the other people acting cold to me every time I've seen them since. This, I think, fed the hungry ears of the drama crew more than anything. I don't know if he is indeed uninterested or if he's interested but doesn't think I am or what his deal is, but at this point I really don't care. How do I stop this gossip train from running me down entirely? It's getting exhausting, and it's starting to encroach on my work a bit (people asking me about it while I'm on duty, other professors overhearing my coworkers talking about it and bringing it up to me). I've had words with my colleagues, but my theater group is going to be harder to tame. It's getting really really old having people shoot me Facebook messages every time he posts something about how hard being single is and feeling like I can barely socialize without someone bringing it up. I don't want to make a scene, but I'm kind of reaching my wit's end here. Telling people exactly what happened (we went on a date, nothing came of it) has not stopped them talking about it to me or each other.
  2. Okay, perhaps you're kind of misunderstanding what happened here. The five months between me giving up OLD and him officially asking me to be his girlfriend was a slow but steady process. We both began asking each other to "group" events that we conveniently forgot to invite the others to, he kept having me down to his place, the texting increased more and more. Personally, when I know something is right, I wait for it. Am I waiting around for this dude now? No. Am I even waiting around for my ex to pull his head from his ass? No, because we are not right for each other at this time. Maybe we will be again someday, but we aren't right now. But back then, we were right. It was frustrating, sure, but it was certain.
  3. I suppose you're all right. This is just getting very frustrating; now his friends, who I have never interacted with outside of social media, are making plans with me for this weekend. I just...why. Sometimes I think it would be easier to adopt thirteen more cats and solidify myself as a crazy cat lady than it is to wade through this whole dating thing. I keep hearing that it shouldn't be so hard, but it always, always has been hard. Even when I first confessed my feelings to my ex, he told me to try online dating and I assumed it was a no go. That got flipped on its head months later when our mutual friends informed me that he had been pining after me for years, and even when I confronted him with this revelation it took an additional five months for him to confess to my face that I was his dream girl/everything AND a further month until he was willing to actually go out with me. All in all, it was like ten months of work on my part to get us to what we both wanted because he was too scared. Looks like I may have somehow developed a type for guys who are playing hard to get, even if they aren't actually playing hard to get and just aren't interested. Ugh.
  4. He called and wanted to talk. But it was literally just small talk. Oh, he's having a hard year at school, his childhood pet died, his brother's wedding was mostly a bore, etc. etc. etc. It kind of confirmed that he's trying to use me to fill a void in his emotional fulfillment. Or, as my friend put it, he's trying to fashion me into a girlfriend with no benefits. Not ideal, and not gonna happen.
  5. First, not "all" of you had suggested that I leave him be. Also, other people who know both of us suggested I reach out a friendly hand, so I did. I didn't ask him out, I didn't interrogate him. I said hi, and we talked about work and the weather and theater for a little bit. That's all. Literally harmless conversation. I will admit that this whole Facebook thing is kind of weirding me out. I mean, I really did think our date went well and thought I was fairly clear about wanting to see him again, so seeing all of this on Facebook and him not asking me back out does sting a little.
  6. Hatred is never an easy answer. It doesn't do anything to the other person and keeps your heart mired in darkness. What you had was absolutely real. Just because he lost feelings or couldn't keep up doesn't mean that he didn't love you. Love isn't always enough, blueberry. Trust me. You get over it the same way as any other relationship. You work on yourself. Treat yo'self, as it were. Realize that that guy isn't the only one in the world for you, or even the only one in the city (you live in San Fran, there are people everywhere!), and you spruce yourself up to your best self. Then you go out and find someone else who complements you in similar or even entirely different, possibly/probably better ways! It'll be scary, sure, but you'll be okay. And so will I.
  7. I haven't known him so long, but he's supposedly been perpetually single for at least the past several years. The old ladies in the theater pushed me towards him specifically because he's single and a really great guy (and from what I've been able to tell, he is a really great guy...just one who posts like a 50 year old or a 15 year old when it comes to memes on Facebook), and I'm single and a really great gal. If what my coworker says is correct, he's just really struggling with his singlehood in the light of his faith. Also, I thought the date went well, but I find myself questioning that now.
  8. OP, I have been in your shoes. I reached out to a loner in my class who later identified himself as having Asperger's. We would talk for hours every night on Facebook, and I reveled in what might have been the beginnings of a relationship. This took a turn when I realized that he did not know the limits of normal socialization, and so thought that he could demand to come visit me at home for two weeks over Christmas and that would just magically happen. When I wasn't cool with the idea, he refused to speak to me for a month and then began stalking me upon the start of the new semester, claiming that we were in love and that it was meant to be. I eventually got him to stop, but it took a lot of effort on my part and a lot of help from my friends. That said, I agree with so many of the posts here. Don't look down on him; he may just be learning how to socially interact. By all accounts the experience that dude had with me helped him a ton, and he's doing much better (I don't keep in touch because, well, stalker and all). Definitely try to get other people to hang out with him and keep him company, because that will show him that he can socialize with others as well and introduce him to other friendships which may take the burden off of you.
  9. Okay, so I went on the coffee date, he kept extending it and we were there for four hours, but he hasn't taken me up on my suggestion of doing it again. I had about decided to just leave it be, especially when he posted something on Facebook about his dating life being cursed. That's the suggestion my work friend/mutual friend gave me...at first. Well, today, he went on a posting spree about how he feels alone and started posting Bible verses about how God didn't mean for man or woman to live alone. Like, it was a noticeable uptick. My sister in law (who is also friends with him) approached me to see if I had turned him down or something, and now my work friend is wondering if he somehow didn't get the message that I was interested in him. At work friend's suggestion, I messaged him something like "You crossed my mind and wanted to let you know! Hope your week is going swell" and he responded, and we've bantered a little bit back and forth since mid-afternoon. While we were bantering, *he posted another one of those image grabs about how horrible it was to feel alone*. Yesterday one of my friends pointed out that if you swapped gender roles, he would look like a girl being passive-agressive about her crush not chasing her. I can definitely see the comparison. What gives? Is he interested in me but somehow missed the memo that it's mutual? Was the date honestly so bad that it gave him an early mid-life crisis? Is he just being a jerk? And more importantly, what do I do in this situation?
  10. If we were going to be smashed, this would be sooooo much easier. Unfortunately, bride doesn't drink, most of the guests don't drink...I'm possibly the only one who does, with the exception of the girl who is still questionable. I put the blame on the MoH, honestly, but that might be me being a little salty because the bride asked me to replace her for about a week when she couldn't come to the wedding, only for her to suddenly be able to make it and therefore booting me from the wedding party.
  11. MoH has already double checked, and they will not allow her to sit out. I'll invite her; maybe she already has plans or something. If everyone else shows up, then I'll just sit out.
  12. The first venue is an escape room, and there is only room for 8 people per block, hard stop. That's why we can't add an additional person. We're going to dinner together afterwards, at which point we could totally have more people. The bride has said that she understands if her friend can't be squeezed in, but I get the inkling she's not thrilled. The bride doesn't know what our plans are beyond the abstract, either, which adds a slight level of complication to things. The MoH has offered to sit out for the friend, but that hardly seems right to me. I'm not in the wedding party and would be willing to sit out myself, but I also know the bride would rather me be there than her other friend (she wanted me in the wedding party but her fiance made her cut someone and I wasn't family, so here I am). I might still look at that as an option.
  13. My friend is getting married, and her maid of honor is from a completely different town. Thus, it's fallen to me to put together the list of people from this area to be involved in the party. Just today, my friend requested that we invite another girl, who I am friendly with and the MoH hasn't met. I hadn't thought to invite her because she's not local either, but the bride really wants her there. The problem is that the MoH has already reserved the first space for the party for eight people, and this girl makes the ninth. The party is this weekend, so there's no way for us to extend the number of reservations. If we invited her, she'd be meeting all of us after we'd been together for a few hours together. I'm afraid she'd feel left out or second-class or something. I know I would. Should we invite her and leave out that we're doing something else first? Tell her that she's left out? Not invite her at all?
  14. Try getting into your head that you don't need someone better, but different. It sounds like you both have your exes up on a pedestal, and that's not healthy or good in any way. It's easy to do, believe me; it's only recently that my ex's pedestal is beginning to topple for me. What really helped was going out and talking with a really great guy, and even though that date seems a one and done it showed me that other guys (who I wouldn't normally be interested in) have a lot to offer. I hadn't laughed so much in a long time, or had someone flirt with me. The other side is to remember that you decide what is good for you. You keep yourself as your best self, whatever that looks like, and if you keep your eyes, ears, and options open you'll find that there are good people for you all around. Make friends with your coworkers outside of the job and see if they know anyone interested; try online dating; join a community group like a theater or choir. People are out there for all of us.
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