Violated Trust

[pem830]

How'd you find out about the sexts before?

 

And whether they had a history still doesn't answer whether you found anything this time around. If they'd legit and appropriately scaled back the rhetoric following you two reconciling, while of course there are some boundary considerations there, I don't see it as a big betrayal and I'd go as far to say he'd be more justified being upset. Again, all contingent on what you actually found.

 

Why did you two break up for a few months before?

 

ETA: Just read your response. Yeah, I don't think it's cool at all. Take it for what it is... your best recourse probably being to spare yourself the drama and leave him to flirt with whomever.

 

I read it all at once, so saw the timeline of raunchy texts and so on. I've never looked in his phone before. But had this sinking feeling when I saw that one thing.

[ThatwasThen]

Right. So that goes back to my original post.

 

There was no reason to look except for a winky. You found a reason. Yes?

Bottom line... she snooped because her boyfriend is untrustworthy so she checked because her gut sang out that she needs to look out for her emotional health.

[pem830]

Did you have a reason not to trust him pre winky?

 

He broke up with me in the spring which instilled a bit of uncertainty.

[ThatwasThen]

He broke up with me in the spring which instilled a bit of uncertainty.

 

Was the break up and his sexts with a married women coincide?

[mustlovedogs]

Bottom line... she snooped because her boyfriend is untrustworthy so she checked because her gut sang out that she needs to look out for her emotional health.

 

That's not the bottom line. She snooped just because she was insecure. He hadn't done anything to her knowledge beforehand.

 

She found something, sure, but he didn't have a history to her knowledge.

 

I find snooping in any capacity deplorable, especially in ones like this.

[pem830]

Right. So that goes back to my original post.

 

There was no reason to look except for a winky. You found a reason. Yes?

 

That is correct, I wish I had asked him about it or just let it go..... but I didn't.

[Starlight925]

He used the oldest trick in the book, deflecting your actions back to you.

 

Yes, snooping was wrong. But instead of owning up to the winky, he stayed on the snooping, hammering you on that. This does a couple of things: it lets him air out his anger onto you, making you feel so bad about snooping, you'll never do it again (which you shouldn't, but you know that), thus leaving him free to winky with anyone he likes. It also lets him shift the focus from winky-girl to you, so that you are now working up your snooping defense rather than wondering what all the winking was about.

 

Classic.

 

Yeah, let him wink all he wants....with someone else.

[ThatwasThen]

That is correct, I wish I had asked him about it or just let it go..... but I didn't.

Do you think he would have told you the truth? Do you think you'd be okay with their still texting one another? Don't regret what you did. You found out that he's violating a very fundamental romantic relationship boundary. You now know who you're dating has lax or no boundaries. is that someone you'd be able to live with without biting of your own fingernails worrying what he's up to whenever he's not with you or texting away?

[pem830]

Was the break up and his sexts with a married women coincide?

 

He started sexting her shortly after we broke up.

[pem830]

Do you think he would have told you the truth? Do you think you'd be okay with their still texting one another? Don't regret what you did. You found out that he's violating a very fundamental romantic relationship boundary. You now know who you're dating has lax or no boundaries. is that someone you'd be able to live with without biting of your own fingernails worrying what he's up to whenever he's not with you or texting away?

 

I don't think he would have been honest about the flirtatious nature of their relationship, no.

[ThatwasThen]

He started sexting her shortly after we broke up.

 

*sighs*

 

What are you going to do, Pem? Do you still want to be with a guy that does the dirty with a married woman, is still texting her even after you two get back together and is a raver without understanding as to why you would be compelled to look at his phone when some woman you don't know as well is texting him?

[pem830]

*sighs*

 

What are you going to do, Pem? Do you still want to be with a guy that does the dirty with a married woman, is still texting her even after you two get back together and is a raver without understanding as to why you would be compelled to look at his phone when some woman you don't know as well is texting him?

 

I don't know, I'm struggling. There's part of me that just feels guilty for snooping. Part of me that questions his integrity (those sexts were DIRTY). Part of me that wants to consider how we can both treat each other better.

[itsallgrand]

You mentioned you are 'dying' to get married.

Do you think that may be playing a part in what you are willing to tolerate in order to stay with him?

 

A few years together, a break up once already, crossing of boundaries and the trust has deteriorated rather than build during your time together.

 

Taking the relationship on its own merits, is that the kind of relationship you want to be in?

 

It's really not a fairy tale to want and set a standard for a relationship with trust that grows.. you could have that. This one though is in death throes. Why waste more time than you need to? You already know you want someone that values marriage as highly as you do, and that he doesn't.

[pem830]

You mentioned you are 'dying' to get married.

Do you think that may be playing a part in what you are willing to tolerate in order to stay with him?

 

A few years together, a break up once already, crossing of boundaries and the trust has deteriorated rather than build during your time together.

 

Taking the relationship on its own merits, is that the kind of relationship you want to be in?

 

It's really not a fairy tale to want and set a standard for a relationship with trust that grows.. you could have that. This one though is in death throes. Why waste more time than you need to? You already know you want someone that values marriage as highly as you do, and that he doesn't.

 

I've considered that I'm settling in some ways in the midst of this incident. He's reacting poorly I think.

[j.man]

I don't think snooping is ever "justified." But if you're gonna do it, I think you'd better hope whatever you find turns out to be a greater evil, which can be and often enough does end up being the case. Dirty hands doesn't mean the other person's can't be dirtier. I think that applies to a lot of relationship sins. And, in such a case where you do find something, you'd better be prepared to react accordingly. Otherwise, what's the purpose?

 

You found what you found. If your trust wasn't completely broken before, it sure sounds like it is now. Certainly doesn't sound promising if he'd dumped you once before and is sticking in touch with the other lady at the very least for an attention fix. What's left? Police his activity until he "earns" your trust back? Again, I'd encourage you spare yourself the time and trouble. The goose is cooked.

[Honeycomb8]

He was texting his family and put his phone down on the coffee table with the text screen still open. There was a woman's name and the last text was a and it was like a fire was lit in my gut. When he wasn't around I looked and found them sexting while we were apart, then things getting better but still flirtatious once we were back together (I.e. "Your girlfriend is back and you forget about your spice" "I never forget")

 

I felt so uneasy reading this. I guess it reminds me of past experiences and I know how absolutely nauseous it can make you feel.

I'd be gone.

You deserve WAY more than this sort of crap.

 

 

Let him sort out his sht. He texted a married woman inappropriately. Would you really want to stay with him and maybe get married to this? He doesn't respect relationships and has no boundaries. He will break your trust again.

[HeartGoesOn]

Did you have a reason not to trust him pre winky?

 

My coffee just hit the screen.

 

 

[lonelygirl0709]

That's not the bottom line. She snooped just because she was insecure. He hadn't done anything to her knowledge beforehand.

 

She found something, sure, but he didn't have a history to her knowledge.

 

I find snooping in any capacity deplorable, especially in ones like this.

 

Well there must have been reasons for her insecurity, no? Sixth sense? Subconsciously noticing weird behaviour from him before?

[Hollyj]

Has thrown accusations my way (I'm fiercely loyal to him). We haven't spoken since Monday since he's calming down.

 

That's the problem: Your loyalty. Where is your loyalty to yourself!

 

This jerk is disrespecting you, by engaging with this woman after the history they share. He is gas lighting you!

 

Also, why are you not disgusted by someone who is flirting with someone who is MARRIED????? Get rid of this jerk!

[Hollyj]

From what I read nothing physical happened between them. But very explicit sexual stuff while we were broken up. I'm so disappointed that women act this way. I'm dying to get married, this girl is disrespecting her husband.

 

He was still flirting with her. Your bf is disrespecting you!

 

Your desperation for marriage has skewed your judgement.

[MissCanuck]

Eh, he got caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing. He knows it. He's deflecting.

 

Why did he break up with you before? And why did you two reconcile? It sounds like your relationship hasn't been on solid ground for some time, OP.

[pem830]

Thanks everyone. You've given me a lot to think about. I think the two of us acted in less than ideal ways. We both have things to learn and change based upon what happened here. I need to focus on myself. Best to all of you!

[Honeycomb8]

I hope ur not going to stay with him.

 

 

Sigh.

[Knight2001]

get him dumped an move on. yeah that's great going on at you cos you found out he had been flirting.

he shouldnt have secrets like this, just because you found out his secret it doesnt put him in a position over you.

get rid of him and move on.

[thealchemist]

Thanks everyone. You've given me a lot to think about. I think the two of us acted in less than ideal ways. We both have things to learn and change based upon what happened here. I need to focus on myself. Best to all of you!

Under no circumstances is snooping ever justified. That isn't cool, and that behavior typically worsens as time goes on with a snooper. It is worse when it actually leads to something. Then it is retroactively justified to some people.

 

However, that doesn't mean that what he is doing isn't a lot worse. You don't need to compare what you did to what he did. They really aren't even close. But both aren't right.

 

Dump this guy, because his behavior is only going to get worse. Especially if you condone it by staying with him. Or by letting him redirect everything back at you.

 

In your next relationship don't snoop. Ruins any relationship worth keeping.