Violated Trust

[Hollyj]

She will stay with him, because she needs to get married. Big, red flags all over the place, but it doesn't matter. She needs to get married.

 

OP, you are setting yourself up to fail with this guy. He will do this again, He knows you will tolerate his sh&tty behavior, because you're are staying with him.

[Hollyj]

Thanks everyone. You've given me a lot to think about. I think the two of us acted in less than ideal ways. We both have things to learn and change based upon what happened here. I need to focus on myself. Best to all of you!

 

You never shared why you had broken up?

[Starlight925]

You never shared why you had broken up?

 

I don't think pem830 did break up, did you?

[Hollyj]

I don't think pem830 did break up, did you?

 

"He and I have been together for two years, with a short break for a few months. The woman is a coworker of his. They exchanged sexual texts while we were apart, then things changed a bit once we got back together, still slightly past my comfort zone but better."

[Starlight925]

"He and I have been together for two years, with a short break for a few months. The woman is a coworker of his. They exchanged sexual texts while we were apart, then things changed a bit once we got back together, still slightly past my comfort zone but better."

 

Oh, I see, you mean why they had their break.

 

Yes, OP, why did you have that break?

 

And what is your status right now?

[Liraele]

Has thrown accusations my way (I'm fiercely loyal to him). We haven't spoken since Monday since he's calming down.

 

Yes, because this is what cheaters do.

 

Classic MO of a cheater, if you look it up.

 

You don't trust him (apparently with good reason), so what's your next step going to be?

[ThatwasThen]

Under no circumstances is snooping ever justified. That isn't cool, and that behavior typically worsens as time goes on with a snooper. It is worse when it actually leads to something. Then it is retroactively justified to some people.

 

However, that doesn't mean that what he is doing isn't a lot worse. You don't need to compare what you did to what he did. They really aren't even close. But both aren't right.

 

Dump this guy, because his behavior is only going to get worse. Especially if you condone it by staying with him. Or by letting him redirect everything back at you.

 

In your next relationship don't snoop. Ruins any relationship worth keeping.

I think the key words there are "worth keeping."

[thealchemist]

I think the key words there are "worth keeping."

My point too is that any relationship you are in that "requires" snooping, you should just end. No snooping is actually required.

 

I have not been in many relationships but I did end one simply because I realized I didn't trust the person and thought of snooping on that person. Then I just took a step back and realized it didn't matter. So I just told them I didn't trust them and we were over.

 

She was also definitely seeing another guy. He came up to me afterwords(a few weeks) and told me he wouldn't have ever been fooling around with her if he knew she had a boyfriend.

[Starlight925]

My point too is that any relationship you are in that "requires" snooping, you should just end. No snooping is actually required.

 

Great point. Once the desire to snoop arises, it's time to question why that desire even exists.

 

I think we've all been in super secure relationships where the desire to snoop doesn't even enter our mind. So why do we stay when we have a hunch there's something we might find?

[tai25]

So here is the thing... yes you shouldn't have gone through his phone. Idk how long you have been together but, if you have been with him for over a year I would thing that's not as big as an offense. It just depends on your relationship.

 

If he is your boyfriend he should not be having conversations with other women especially ones you didn't know about. If it was an innocent wonky face he wouldn't have gotten upset.

 

Im not sounding controlling. I have been in a relationship for 8 years and it's definitely had its break ups and super messes we are not perfect and it's been hard at times. However, if i saw a wonky face in a text, granted that's not something to automatically break up over but he would have some explaining to do.

Plus if I told him to not speak with her because I don't feel comfortable my feelings should come first before his anger.

 

He shouldn't be as upset as he became. Plus he said he needed space? Not trying to burst your bubble but, that doesn't sound good. He sounds like he is trying to turn it on you.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Be strong

[tai25]

Oops, I just saw the sexting part... definitely in appropriate. Nobody sexts with anyone they don't have an attraction with. Obviously some lines have been crossed already.

[Jibralta]

The entire post made it appear to me, considering his over-the-top reaction to her looking at his phone made me get the vibe I did.

 

Yeah, his over-the top reaction made me wonder if there was more, too. If I wasn't paranoid before his huffing and puffing, I sure would be afterward!!

 

There's part of me that just feels guilty for snooping.

 

STOP. Seriously. Consider the impact of what you did. Did it harm any children? Did it further deplete the ozone layer? Has it caused mass layoffs in the job market? Did it drain people's pensions? Has it caused a forest fire? Have you sold government secrets?

 

PEM, don't let him deflect you into submission. Don't be a sitting duck. Or an ostrich with her head stuck in the sand. Take care of yourself.

[mustlovedogs]

I know she found something wrong, but I would dump someone who had no reason to look other than an emoji.

 

Him cheating also didn't deplete the ozone layer or hurt children. That's kind f a silly comparison.

[Jibralta]

Him cheating also didn't deplete the ozone layer or hurt children. That's kind f a silly comparison.

 

It's obviously an exaggeration to illustrate a point. I don't think snooping causes anywhere near the same level of damage as cheating and lying.

[mustlovedogs]

It's obviously an exaggeration to illustrate a point. I don't think snooping causes anywhere near the same level of damage as cheating and lying.

 

No, I never said they were comparable. But I did say it's a deal breaker for me. A partner who doesn't trust me is a deal breaker and would therefore be the end of the line for me.

 

So his reaction, IMO, is just saying it's a big deal to him. And it would be a big deal to me too.

 

He did something wrong. So did she. Both are relationship killers.

[ThatwasThen]

Anyway, Op: Is continuing to text someone who is married with whom you had been sexting in the past a deal breaker for you?

[MrFisterZA]

He seems very defensive, where there's smoke there's fire.

[ParisPaulette]

In the midst of all this back and forth over whether snooping is okay or not, OP, one thing stands out to me.

 

You are with a man whose character and morals are such that he thought nothing of sexting a married coworker.

 

Let that sink in. His ranting about you snooping being as bad as an "affair" is pure psychological projection on his part as he is or has been having an affair or at the very least (yeah, like there's any least in that) he's been leaning awfully, awfully strong towards an affair with her.

 

DTMFA and accept that when you snoop and you find out your partner has no boundaries and no respect for others relationships they likely won't for yours either. This is the point where you need to tell him that it's done and over with and you walk away.

 

You will get over someone toxic like that in your life a whole lot faster than you will when he feels it's okay to cheat with her or another married or taken woman down the line, because whether or not you two were together if he's sexting a married woman at ANY time he's as big a cheat as she is.

 

He's angry he got caught is all.

 

P.S. Snooping is usually a pretty big sign it's over anyways, so it's time to pack things up and go home OP. It's done. Snooping to find the dead body does not make you as bad as the murderer. Snooping to find a cheater cheating doesn't either. But it is a clear indication you need to walk away and not look back, because heck I get why you can't trust the guy. But that's where you just don't let them come back into your life or you show them the door the minute you find it out in the first place. When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. I'm sorry.