Is a little jealousy a good thing?

[Krankor]

A.) A little bit of jealousy in a relationship is healthy.

 

Or:

 

B.) Any amount of jealousy in a relationship is destructive and silly. Either you trust your partner or you don't.

 

Which statement do you agree with more?

 

No context. I was just reading through different posts and responses on ENA and this question occurred to me, and I'm just curious about people's thoughts.

[firstluvstruck]

I don't know the answer, but personally I felt a little jealous or weird when my ex would talk about past sexual experiences. I never showed it or acted on it, and I think that's what counts. Being aware you are jealous but not letting it show and work on why you are jealous. My ex always showed me she really cared about me so it always only lasted a few minutes.

 

But if you're asking if A or B when it manifests itself in the relationship? no idea.

 

My quesiton lately is does it go away when it's so bad one person has to get help but is not really changing. At what point does it surpass "cute" and go to annoying...?

[Hollyj]

I think you need to give examples.

[SherrySher]

I'm not sure what the answer is either. I think as human beings it can't be helped to be jealous at some point because we all have insecurities and can feel threatened.

 

Answer B is ideal, obviously, but is it realistic? I wouldn't say jealousy is healthy, but nearly impossible to not feel a twinge of jealousy at some point.

 

It does get to be out of hand and a very bad thing though if it becomes obsessive and to the point that there is less trust than actual trust. This really is a complicated question

 

and I don't think there is a straight black and white answer.

[Krankor]

I think you need to give examples.

Well, I was thinking in general terms but:

 

1.) Your partner "lightly" flirts with other people. They don't cheat but seem to like a little attention.

 

2.) A new person of the opposite gender starts working with your partner. He/she speaks in glowing terms about him/her and you start to get the feeling they have a little office crush.

 

3.) Your partner has an ex who keeps sniffing around.

 

In those cases, would a little jealousy be healthy or not?

[firstluvstruck]

4) you tell the other you cant hang out that day and out of the blue she asks if you are seeing other people.

[Krankor]

4) you tell the other you cant hang out that day and out of the blue she asks if you are seeing other people.

 

Out of the blue and with no other evidence of such? That's too much jealously.

[Capricorn3]

I trust my hubby and he trusts me, we have never had jealousy issues. But I think it's because we are both secure within ourselves and each other, a concept most people find very "unreal" and can't get their heads around.

[firstluvstruck]

Out of the blue and with no other evidence of such? That's too much jealously.

 

Correct. How difficult will it be for this oerson to change (already getting counseling)?

[firstluvstruck]

I trust my hubby and he trusts me, we have never had jealousy issues. But I think it's because we are both secure within ourselves and each other, a concept most people find very "unreal" and can't get their heads around.

 

This. I think at the root of pure jealousy is a lack of trust. And if there isn't 100% trust then it's not good. I would say even a little is not good to have the ideal relationship. But, which relationship is perfect...

[Hollyj]

Well, I was thinking in general terms but:

 

1.) Your partner "lightly" flirts with other people. They don't cheat but seem to like a little attention.

 

2.) A new person of the opposite gender starts working with your partner. He/she speaks in glowing terms about him/her and you start to get the feeling they have a little office crush.

 

3.) Your partner has an ex who keeps sniffing around.

 

In those cases, would a little jealousy be healthy or not?

 

I think that 1 and 3 would be completely inappropriate. I'm on the fence with 2. I think it would have to be the way it was presented.

[Hollyj]

Out of the blue and with no other evidence of such? That's too much jealously.

 

I agree......

[SherrySher]

It is pure luck truthfully. You can be the most secure person in the world and trust 100%, but that doesn't mean that someone won't cheat on you. And when/if they cheat, it changes a person. Where you once trusted completely, you are now scared or feel threatened.

Many try to overcome it by seeing a therapist or work through the problems themselves, but it is a very difficult thing to overcome.

 

I don't believe people are born jealous or are born with trust issues, others teach us to fear or to feel at threat.

There is no doubt in my mind that every single person wants to have a relationship where they never have to worry about their partner and never have to worry about being hurt, but this is not always the case and it is completely out of our control. What I mean is, we can trust fully, but it won't save us if the person we are with is a cheater.

 

No, jealousy is never healthy. Trust is healthy, being loyal is healthy, having a loving relationship with no threats is healthy. If only human beings were ideal and did not hurt one another, but they are not.

 

How do we find the non cheaters? isn't that what all of us strive for? But it's impossible to tell who will cheat and who will not.

[ParisPaulette]

I hate jealousy, I won't tolerate it in a relationship - mine or my partner's. I've suffered too much on both sides of the fence to ever put up with it. Either they can trust me and I can trust them or it's not the relationship for me.

 

I've developed a very strict zero tolerance of it based around my own experiences, but nope. It's not an emotion I am willing to have in my life period. For me, I found it either poisons the well of a relationship or it's a sign they really are not trustworthy to begin with. And if they're jealous of me for no reason they are O-U-T after working in women's shelter and seeing how often that came up as a warning sign of an abusive partner. I'm not talking normal jealousy there, but if they have a meltdown that you smiled at the store clerk or don't want you talking to your brother or friends - RUN.

[Crank]

Its not really healthy if it's expected. Not saying it's good or bad but in a way it has both a positive and negative reaction.

[boltnrun]

Jealousy is not a sign of "love" if it's used to manipulate and control.

 

If one makes "rules" that their partner cannot speak to or communicate in ANY way with ANY member of the opposite sex, that is not a sign of "love".

 

My brother used to date a woman who told him he was not to communicate with any member of the opposite sex for any reason. It made things at work tricky because he had an assistant who was female and I have no idea how he gave her any instructions because the girlfriend also worked there and she had a fit if he told his assistant "Please make five copies of this packet of documents". One time she "caught" him texting me (his sister!) and she roared "I TOLD you, no texting any females!!!!" And he said "She's my sister!" and she roared "I don't care, I TOLD you not to!!!" Weird.

 

My ex treated me like I was non-existent when we went out in public, UNLESS he thought some other guy was trying to talk to me. Then I couldn't peel him off of me. He acted jealous because I was HIS toy to play with when he felt like it and how dare some other guy try to play with HIS toy!!! He sure didn't do it because he loved me so gosh darned much!

 

As you can see, I take a very dim view of jealousy.

 

Now I figure if a guy is doing something that I feel jealous about, either he's untrustworthy or I have some kind of insecurity issue I need to work on.

[rosephase]

So I'm non-monogamous, my partners have other romantic and sexual partners. I don't think jealousy is a bad or good thing. It's a feeling. Like anger or sadness (but slightly more complicated and convoluted). The issue isn't in the feeling. The issue is in how someone responds to the feeling. I feel jealous and I feel that feeling and then I let it go. Jealous is almost always insecurity. There are a lot of reason to feel insecure. Sometimes you can't feel secure because of things happen in our head. Sometimes you can't feel secure because you aren't. Working on self comfort, self assurance, and self care is the only real way to feel secure. Feeling secure in myself makes it so much easier to let go of the feeling of jealousy. While there is nothing wrong with jealousy, anger, sadness and hurt... they can be pretty unpleasant and I have found it's been really worth while to figure out how I can let go of those feelings faster.

[firstluvstruck]

I spoke to a few women lately about jealous boyfriends. One lasted 6 months, another 1.5 years. So, it seems that it's a slow killer of relationships. But I'm sure there are many relationships in which it's there and not a big deal/manageable.

Like with everything, it depends on the couple and their dynamic and the degree to which the jealousy manifests itself in one's actions.

[megamuppet]

I suffer with jealousy and it is awful. I don't think any of it is ok personally. I don't think my husband would cheat at all but I am very insecure about other things he has done. It has almost destroyed us as a couple. It has totally destroyed me as a person. Its a horrible was to live.

[limichelle]

I had this problem with an ex of mine. I worked at the movie theatre with him. I was 20 at the time and all the girls swooned over him. I was jealous but only because I had a gut feeling something was going on behind my back. He started acting different and staying out after hours at the end of his shift. When I asked what he did after work by not coming home until 3:00 a.m he got defensive. Finally he admitted to cheating on me with one of the girls. It devastated me my instinct was right!

 

I think jealousy pops up when you know something isn't right.

 

Although when Jelousy pops up for no reason as into control or keep someone to yourself you are crossing a line.

 

Lisa

[firstluvstruck]

I suffer with jealousy and it is awful. I don't think any of it is ok personally. I don't think my husband would cheat at all but I am very insecure about other things he has done. It has almost destroyed us as a couple. It has totally destroyed me as a person. Its a horrible was to live.

 

I would appreciate if you could share how you chose to deal with it and why it was hard to change. Is it still a problem? What steps did you have to take and how long did it take?

 

Thanks in advance

[megamuppet]

I will try!

 

I have never really been a secure person and have had some disasterous relationships. Sexual domestic violence as a late teen with my first partner that lasted 4 years, cheating from the next two, my fourth partner I was with for 21 years. We had two children, now grown up, but I found out when I left that he had fathered two children with other women (one was my friend!) Whilst I was pregnant at the same time. That relationship became sexless (his choice not mine) and after a truly awful and lonley 6 year period at the end, I eventually left.

 

I started seeing a work colleague and we fell in love. He is wonderful and adores me. I know this. We got married and I have no doubts at all. We have been married for almost 2 years. I am 45 he is 50.

 

We went out for my birthday a couple of years ago and we were chatting when he suddenly stopped talking and watched another woman walk up the stairs. I poked him in the ribs and reminded him he was with me tonight and that his eyes should be on me. He went bright red and we both laughed about it. Not a problem at all. It happened again a few weeks later and then again a few weeks after that. I found it less funny each time.

 

We went out for a special occassion and he looked over my shoulder the whole time at another woman for almost an hour and a half. I asked him twice what he was staring at and twice he said nothing. When the girl left he watched her leave and he phyically deflated in front of me as she walked out if the door.This absolutely broke my heart. I burst into tears and left. He was very apologetic but I ended it. I know there are women out there prettier sexier funnier and more intelligent than me but I don't need my face rubbing in it.

 

He convinced me that it would stop and that he was sorry. I explained that he made me feel totally inadequate and that I felt like he was looking for a replacement and he assured me

that wasn't the case. We talked about everything (I was a bit hung up on one of his exes who he called his soulmate and biggest regret when we started going out). We got married...

 

We went on honeymoon, had an amazing time. We went back to work on the Monday. When he came home, he told me he had Googled his ex, just to see what she was up to. He didn't understand why I was upset because "he had married me"!

 

He doesnt like porn, we are always together but he did say to me that I could look through his ipad if I was feeling insecure. I told him I didnt want to but looked anyway.

 

Found a few boob compilation videos and hot biker babes videos (he is motorbike crazy!) which upset me and I told him it I feel like I am not good enough.

 

Then the looking at women in the street started again ( about once a month) and I just lost it. I screamed at him, and embarrassed myself and him. The poor woman looked shocked and everyone looking must have thought I was a mental case.

 

I realised that I was no dealing with his behaviour so had some counselling. It helped but I have to keep doing the exercises / workbook / reading because it still gets hold of me if I let it. I don't go out with him if I can help it. Even shopping. I drrad it when it is hot and there are gorgeous girls in tiny shorts everywhere. I oftem vomit before I go out with him because I find it so stressful. I hate watching tv with him because a lot of programmes have beautiful women in them and I just sit there thinking "I bet he would rather be with her". Then I usually get quiet or upset and go to bed early because I feel so rubbish.

 

I spun it around and asked him how he would feel if I did all of the above ^^^ (its long, sorry ). He said he would feel inadequate, unloved, not good enough, second best etc so he gets it, I see how upset he looks when her hurts me. I am not sure if its jealousy I feel, I am not angry at the other women, they are gorgeous! I just feel inadequate in comparison

[Unreasonable]

Given that jealousy is a natural human emotion, I don't think it, in and of itself, is bad. Just as I don't think anger, in and of itself, is bad. While they are regarded as "negative emotions", I believe they serve an evolutionary purpose and are wholly appropriate under certain circumstances. The problem is when they get out of control and take over your life. I think a "little bit" of jealously can keep a partner vigilant and not clueless when legitimate threats enter into the relationship. I think some people are just clueless and naive and think they can play with fire and not get burnt. That being said, it can transition to "psycho" levels, and you gotta watch for that.

[LaHermes]

Absolutely, Capri.

 

"I trust my hubby and he trusts me, we have never had jealousy issues. But I think it's because we are both secure within ourselves and each other, a concept most people find very "unreal" and can't get their heads around."

 

Krankor, answer to your OP is a resounding NO. Jealousy is not good. Speaking up and laying it on the line if there is something you find "off", that is good.