OK so after 4 dates here are the issues I have with her

[IAmFCA]

Her intentions are unknown and irrelevant. Whether MM likes her is all that matters.

[J Miracle]

Tell her to never come upon you in such a haggard state, then promptly dismiss her and tell her to try again.

[moneymkt]

Well I certainly hope she doesn't. There's not a single thing wrong with her not wanting to doll herself up.

 

Taking it personally or as a slight whenever someone doesn't meet your standards or preference is a pretty ****ty way to live. More power to you if you're putting effort into your appearance and want a woman does the same, but your reaction to one who doesn't should be "not my type," and not, "who the hell does this broad think she is comin' at me with nothing on her face but some dollar store moisturizer??"

 

 

But I thought most people get extra sexy for a date? Certain perfume or cologne along with hairdo and outfit to give off that sexual vibe

[reinventmyself]

The poster probably should not have used the word `sexy' because it's taken on a life of it's own.

I think what he meant was that she didn't seem to any pride in looking presentable for a date.

 

I recall meeting a guy who looked like he had just come from cleaning out the garage. I wasn't dressed `sexy' but I took the time

to shower and look presentable. I would have appreciated it if he had been considerate enough to do the same. All I could think of is

he didn't seem to care? Whether that's fair or not, I don't know. I am not a mind reader. But it was the message that came through to me.

 

The fact that he saw her another time cleaned up, suggested to him that she is capable but yet she didn't care enough to do so for the date.

[moneymkt]

I hear you, and if she don't work and just lays around on her ass all the time I wouldn't do it either, but if she works, takes care of her own bills, kid (s), and all that, I don't mind paying.

And while we are talking about it, what if this relationship that he's whinning about progressed to something serious? Would they have joint accounts? Or go by this is mine all mine and that's yours?

 

 

She works, has a house and no kids. I work and live in a studio apt

[moneymkt]

Or perhaps she wanted to look good to meet another man. How would you know?

 

In many ways I consider myself a feminist, but when outlandish criticisms like this are made, it dilutes the important messages. There's nothing sexist about men desiring women to look attractive, especially when it's a choice. Stop making men apologize for their desires.

 

OP feel free to stop contact, but for your personal growth, I would tell her how you feel. Let her know that you liked it when she dressed up for your date and that you would like for her to cover the next date since it's only fair. You're not telling her what to do, you're telling her what you want and allowing her to make the choice of what she wants to do based on this additional information. There's a big difference.

 

 

That's what I felt but of course I didn't bring it up. She got her hair done and was looking all cute to go to a owning your home seminar and she already has a house? Something doesn't add up.

 

And that was the only time she looked like that, when she went to her so called seminar in the morning.

[moneymkt]

The poster probably should not have used the word `sexy' because it's taken on a life of it's own.

I think what he meant was that she didn't seem to any pride in looking presentable for a date.

 

I recall meeting a guy who looked like he had just come from cleaning out the garage. I wasn't dressed `sexy' but I took the time

to shower and look presentable. I would have appreciated it if he had been considerate enough to do the same. All I could think of is

he didn't seem to care? Whether that's fair or not, I don't know. I am not a mind reader. But it was the message that came through to me.

 

The fact that he saw her another time cleaned up, suggested to him that she is capable but yet she didn't care enough to do so for the date.

 

 

Yes that's what I mean, Presentable.

[moneymkt]

The poster probably should not have used the word `sexy' because it's taken on a life of it's own.

I think what he meant was that she didn't seem to any pride in looking presentable for a date.

 

I recall meeting a guy who looked like he had just come from cleaning out the garage. I wasn't dressed `sexy' but I took the time

to shower and look presentable. I would have appreciated it if he had been considerate enough to do the same. All I could think of is

he didn't seem to care? Whether that's fair or not, I don't know. I am not a mind reader. But it was the message that came through to me.

 

The fact that he saw her another time cleaned up, suggested to him that she is capable but yet she didn't care enough to do so for the date.

 

 

Right and the only thing I could think of is she was meeting a new guy off POF early in the date and seeing me later on especially since I had not seen her look like that the first two dates.

[IAmFCA]

But I thought most people get extra sexy for a date? Certain perfume or cologne along with hairdo and outfit to give off that sexual vibe

 

Nope. Not unless it's a formal or semi formal event. Or maybe a big night out on a Saturday. I'm not trying to get a lay, I'm trying to learn about you.

[mustlovedogs]

When I go on a date, I try and dress flattering. I have this one dress that is comfy, not too formal but not too casual, makes my waist look tiny, and shows a bit of cleavage. Would anyone call me sexy in it? Absolutely not. Would people say I look nice? Probably.

 

I would never dress sexy unless I wanted to get laid. And that's a comment sentiment I hear.

 

I know OP clarified he doesn't mean sexy, but we can't know what you mean if you describe it with the wrong words.

[katrina1980]

But I thought most people get extra sexy for a date? Certain perfume or cologne along with hairdo and outfit to give off that sexual vibe

 

Define "sexy." How would YOU define it?

 

Sexy means different things to different people, and jmo but if one is genuinely "sexy," they shouldn't need a special hairdo or perfume or even outfit to give off that sexual "vibe."

 

That sexual vibe comes from WITHIN, regardless of how one dresses or looks on the outside.

 

I know for me, my boyfriends find me incredibly SEXY right when I wake up, hair all disheveled, no makeup, wearing nothing but his big ole shirt!

 

My ex (actually two of my ex's) used to say in the morning "God you look sexy." Right when I woke up! Go figure.

 

And I get approached more often too, when I'm wearing nothing but my jeans and tee and baseball cap.

 

I guess for some men, I give off a certain sexual vibe and it has ZERO to do with my looks or what I wear, etc.

 

That said, if your gf does not make an effort to stay well groomed (at the very least), then that's just LAZY.

[Batya33]

Nope. Not unless it's a formal or semi formal event. Or maybe a big night out on a Saturday. I'm not trying to get a lay, I'm trying to learn about you.

 

Same. I definitely cleaned up nice, wore makeup (but not more than usual -maybe I added mascara) and wore clothing that was feminine and flattering and clean.

 

But. When my ex and I first met up after almost 8 years apart it was for a platonic dinner - just to catch up -and we made the plan while I was at work that day on a hot July day. So, I was not dressed for a date - t-shirt that women wear under a business jacket, and just typical pants, hair not done and I'm pretty sure makeup was at home. Truth is that I would have cleaned up more had I had the opportunity -no use looking disheveled for an ex lol. The funny part was he showed up completely sweaty because he went to the wrong restaurant and was running late (I didn't have a cell phone at the time so he didn't want to be extra late). And... sparks flew. Neither of us cared about the sweat/disheveled, frumpy clothes, etc. We didn't act on or even acknowledge the spark until weeks later (who knows, maybe it was all about the sweat pheromones since it's only lasted 12 years so far, give or take).

 

I do think that the person should make the effort to look nice and dress appropriately for wherever you're going.

[katrina1980]

I do think that the person should make the effort to look nice and dress appropriately for wherever you're going.

 

Absolutely! Not doing so (making the effort) would actually be more of a turn off (for me), then how they actually look.

 

I cannot stand laziness when it comes to appearance (or anything else for matter but realize we all feel lazy sometimes, so that's forgivable...lol).

 

It's also about taking pride in your appearance. Even if you're not the best looking person in the world (conventionally speaking), take some pride in how you present yourself to the world.

 

Doesn't mean wearing expensive clothes or sporting some trendy haircut, just make an effort to be the BEST YOU CAN BE with what you've got.

[katrina1980]

 

But. When my ex and I first met up after almost 8 years apart it was for a platonic dinner - just to catch up -and we made the plan while I was at work that day on a hot July day. So, I was not dressed for a date - t-shirt that women wear under a business jacket, and just typical pants, hair not done and I'm pretty sure makeup was at home. Truth is that I would have cleaned up more had I had the opportunity -no use looking disheveled for an ex lol. The funny part was he showed up completely sweaty because he went to the wrong restaurant and was running late (I didn't have a cell phone at the time so he didn't want to be extra late). And... sparks flew. Neither of us cared about the sweat/disheveled, frumpy clothes, etc.

 

There's just no accounting for true love Batya...

 

Looks like you found your mate!

[Fudgie]

I don't think there is a set "right" away as long as you're in clean clothes, have good hygiene, etc. Anything else is a matter of personal taste and that's different for everyone.

 

I've never dolled myself up for a date or first meet. Nope, just not who I am. When I met my current boyfriend, I was wearing the same clothes that I normally wear (t-shirt, jeans), my face was washed, hair washed/dried/brushed, and, well that's it. I don't wear make-up or sexy/provacative clothes in general so to show up wearing something I never wear would seem really not genuine to me.

 

It's worked out fine for us.

 

OP, sounds like you didn't click with her. I definitely think she was in the wrong for never offering to pay. That is rude, IMO.

[j.man]

I know OP clarified he doesn't mean sexy, but we can't know what you mean if you describe it with the wrong words.

I'd say he's lucky he's got some very generous ladies here offering him a window out. Never heard "sexy" being synonymous with "presentable." In fact, while you might note I abstained from pulling the sexism card before, that would probably strengthen the argument for it if he did view those two as one in the same for women.

 

Regardless, my criticism had much more to do with the fact he felt insulted by the lack of effort in her appearance, not simply that he'd prefer she be more of one. Though, in my experience, it's the women who are less focused on appearance who are more likely to "treat" or pitch in, if you want a lady who dolls herself up and pays for dinners (can't say it can't or doesn't happen...), then that's who you should be looking for. Don't waste your time or your date's. Be a bit more selective rather than taking offense to differences.

[mustlovedogs]

^ I agree, j.man. To me, sexy is very specific!

 

I've never gone on a date expecting a guy to look sexy... just nice. Like they put effort in.

[IAmFCA]

I read this and wonder how anyone knows I make an effort. I hardly wear make up. I am usually sandwiched between other responsibilities. My hair is presentable but unfussy. I don't intend to look like I made an effort.

 

Too complicated! Just like me.

[SherrySher]

She's just not the right one for you OP. She found it important to look nicer on the first date and then decided it was okay to go more natural.

Is she making less effort and not caring? Possibly. But she might too just feel more comfortable being more natural.

 

The bottom line though is that you feel more attracted and more valued with a woman who puts in more effort on dates. Some men do, and nothing wrong with it.

The first few months we are all trying to impress our dates, so if you feel her not dressing up more is a sign of lack of trying to impress you, then just call it a day and find someone else.

 

As for not offering to treat you, I as a woman do find that a problem. A woman should treat a man every bit as good as he treats her. As long as you are both working and making decent money, no reason in the world not to.

I don't believe in the notion that women are princess's who need to be treated better than a man. I think it is extremely outdated and is just plain wrong.

Human beings should be good to each other, end of. And that means treating each other on dates.

If she has not offered and it offends you, then again, call it a day.

[Rezie]

Then we can get to the part of what sexy or presentable mean to different people.

 

For some it means wearing clean clothes. Jeans, nice top, cardigan and a bit of mascara. Then some might expect it to be a dress, high heels, false eye lashes and hair curled. And for some it is something in between.

 

But with the treating like I mentioned a few pages ago you can casually bring up on a date "why don't you get the tickets" etc. If she refuses or gets upset then you know you are not compatible. This is for future dates with other people.

 

Anyways I know I commented on this thread before but I'll say it again. You are just not compatible. You have different expectations towards a partner. So just don't go out again. But under no circumstances tell her that you don't think she put the effort to look sexy.

[Careerchoice]

She may have. But to assume she is?

 

Nothing wrong with it, you're assuming the opposite. We're allowed to base our decisions based on intuition.

 

Most women I know dress up to feel good about themselves. Not to impress a man.

 

Most women I know dress well to impress men. A lot are in denial about it.

 

He can want her to be sexy - but sexy is subjective. I can't believe I have to keep repeating this. She may have felt hot, he may disagree. That's his right.

 

No disagreement on this. I don't know why it's being stated in the argumentative.

 

But to say she's scorning him because she doesn't fit his definition of sexy is insane.

 

When did OP say this?

[Careerchoice]

That's what I felt but of course I didn't bring it up.

 

That's the real issue that you need to address for your personal growth. Stop holding in your true feelings.

[Batya33]

There's just no accounting for true love Batya...

 

Looks like you found your mate!

h

LOL -that night we had no clue and it wasn't yet "love" but it was more that the spark had nothing to do with our clothing choice .....

[Sportster2005]

On two of the dates she made no effort to look pretty she just threw anything on and came to see me. I am not going to lie I felt kind of insulted because I thought a woman likes to look a little sexy when meeting up with a guy. And we discussed future plans but she has not offered to treat me at all.

 

So I'm not initiating another date at this time. I treated all 4 times and not one mention of I can treat you or let's watch a movie at my place. So I just feel she is not going to look her best again which is why I'm hesitant to go out again.

 

She only looked sexy one time which was date 3. And that was because she went to a housing seminar 4 hours before our date. Part of me feels she went to meet a guy because her hair was all done and she was dressed nice.

 

 

What do u think?

 

I think if that's an issue for you, don't date her. She's simply not a good match, for you.

[IAmFCA]

That's the real issue that you need to address for your personal growth. Stop holding in your true feelings.

 

Indeed, i learn a lot from preparing to speak my mind. What I say is often not what initially expected, because my preparation teaches me lessons.

 

 

In this case, i hear i wish she were more overtly sexy." And "i dont think she likes me based on how she dresses." The latter, if based only on how she dresses, is unsubstantiated..

 

If she asks you out for date 4, you will know.