OK so after 4 dates here are the issues I have with her

[Batya33]

But if she was treated 4 times then why would it be a big deal? I;m supposed too just spend spend spend huh?

 

No, no one suggested that. I do suggest that you not date this person (or maybe not date) if you have this level of resentment and hostility about the money aspect (seems like a general symptom of other issues -not just having to do with money).

 

I think it's fine to plan free/near free dates in public places.

[moneymkt]

Ok and that's fine. But I still wouldn't say that.

 

Do you even have another date planned?

 

 

Not at this time due to rent due on 6/1 and the NYC trip on 6/10

[moneymkt]

No, no one suggested that. I do suggest that you not date this person (or maybe not date) if you have this level of resentment and hostility about the money aspect (seems like a general symptom of other issues -not just having to do with money).

 

I think it's fine to plan free/near free dates in public places.

 

 

 

My experience has been the woman offers to treat on the 3rd date.

[mustlovedogs]

Not at this time due to rent due on 6/1 and the NYC trip on 6/10

 

My goodness. You're not getting the point. You can plan free dates. You can let her pick up the slack and plan. You don't have to offer to pay.

 

If you want a date, plan something you can afford your half for (because surely you will spend something between now and June 11th - you need food, right?). When you go to pay, say lets split it if she doesn't offer to buy.

[moneymkt]

My goodness. You're not getting the point. You can plan free dates. You can let her pick up the slack and plan. You don't have to offer to pay.

 

If you want a date, plan something you can afford your half for (because surely you will spend something between now and June 11th - you need food, right?). When you go to pay, say lets split it if she doesn't offer to buy.

 

 

The money that will be left over between for me to live off off from 5/30 to 6/8 will be for

 

1. food

2. personal needs

3. transportation to work

[Batya33]

My experience has been the woman offers to treat on the 3rd date.

 

That was never my experience. In my experience the woman often offers to chip in after a few dates. As far as treating -depends on the activity - if there's a concert or other activity with tickets the woman wants to go to often she'll buy the tickets (and treat).

 

If your allotment for food and personal needs do not include any spending for entertainment or restaurant food etc then yes, you cannot plan a date that involves spending money on entertainment or restaurant food. Luckily, there are many free or nearly free options. And it's fine to tell her you have to limit spending for a week or so and then offer some free options in public.

[mustlovedogs]

^ and, on top of that, you can go buy groceries to have a picnic or cook at home or something on a date.

[moneymkt]

^ and, on top of that, you can go buy groceries to have a picnic or cook at home or something on a date.

 

I'm not much of a cooker so I would probably order dinner if she came to my place

[mustlovedogs]

I'm not much of a cooker so I would probably order dinner if she came to my place

 

Haha. You're still not getting it.

 

Flirty text. "What's your favorite meal? Maybe you could make it for me one night. I'll bring my favorite movie!"

[Batya33]

He gets it fine - he'd rather have an excuse not to connect with someone with romantic potential than to risk opening up and potentially being hurt. It's much easier to make that excuse and have full control over all your money and routine and time.

[moneymkt]

Haha. You're still not getting it.

 

Flirty text. "What's your favorite meal? Maybe you could make it for me one night. I'll bring my favorite movie!"

 

well I did something similar to that early in the week when I text her a pic of my lunch and she told me she makes that meal all the time

 

If I ever went to her place I would either have to get there by 10am or spend the night because we are close to 90 mins apart

[mustlovedogs]

well I did something similar to that early in the week when I text her a pic of my lunch and she told me she makes that meal all the time

 

If I ever went to her place I would either have to get there by 10am or spend the night because we are close to 90 mins apart

 

You can't be helped if you shut down every suggestion.

 

So good luck. Your issues are deeper than paying for everything.

[Batya33]

well I did something similar to that early in the week when I text her a pic of my lunch and she told me she makes that meal all the time

 

If I ever went to her place I would either have to get there by 10am or spend the night because we are close to 90 mins apart

That's not at all what was suggested. If you live that far apart and you're low on cash then I suggest finding someone closer to home especially if you have to drive there and pay for gas. My husband and I were long distance for much of our dating but we were able to afford plane tickets and travel expenses.

[SherrySher]

Just text her and tell her that she's not making any efforts in looking pretty and it's not attractive and then tell her that you are tired of spending money on dates and her having a free ride. Ask her why she is not respectful enough to offer to pay once in a while.

Anything less from you to her would be a lie.

 

And you say it would be difficult to replace her? Seriously? All you have done is criticise her and she isn't making the efforts you want. Why you continue to even bother is beyond me.

[moneymkt]

You can't be helped if you shut down every suggestion.

 

So good luck. Your issues are deeper than paying for everything.

 

 

 

You gave me some good advice. I didn't shut anything down just going to do what you said, suggest cheap or free things to do together

[moneymkt]

That's not at all what was suggested. If you live that far apart and you're low on cash then I suggest finding someone closer to home especially if you have to drive there and pay for gas. My husband and I were long distance for much of our dating but we were able to afford plane tickets and travel expenses.

 

I caught the train to her 3 times. Last week she drove to see me in my city. So we have been making it work

[moneymkt]

Just text her and tell her that she's not making any efforts in looking pretty and it's not attractive and then tell her that you are tired of spending money on dates and her having a free ride. Ask her why she is not respectful enough to offer to pay once in a while.

Anything less from you to her would be a lie.

 

And you say it would be difficult to replace her? Seriously? All you have done is criticise her and she isn't making the efforts you want. Why you continue to even bother is beyond me.

 

 

I say that because cute, pleasant and intelligent is not easy to find online

[Fudgie]

Are you really that desperate that you'd settle for this? Every moment that you're wasting could be spent looking for something better.

[moneymkt]

Are you really that desperate that you'd settle for this? Every moment that you're wasting could be spent looking for something better.

 

well that's what I am doing now. Talked to someone new from Okcupid 10 minutes ago and plan to call back after dinner

 

I should be going out with more than one person so I can see who is best for me.

[melancholy123]

On two of the dates she made no effort to look pretty she just threw anything on and came to see me. I am not going to lie I felt kind of insulted because I thought a woman likes to look a little sexy when meeting up with a guy. And we discussed future plans but she has not offered to treat me at all.

 

So I'm not initiating another date at this time. I treated all 4 times and not one mention of I can treat you or let's watch a movie at my place. So I just feel she is not going to look her best again which is why I'm hesitant to go out again.

 

She only looked sexy one time which was date 3. And that was because she went to a housing seminar 4 hours before our date. Part of me feels she went to meet a guy because her hair was all done and she was dressed nice.

 

 

What do u think?

 

I assume you are perfect! Seriously, get over yourself.

[Batya33]

well that's what I am doing now. Talked to someone new from Okcupid 10 minutes ago and plan to call back after dinner

 

I should be going out with more than one person so I can see who is best for me.

 

But how are you going to afford to pay for coffee for yourself even given the strict budget you just described above? Will you just ask the person to meet you for a walk -that's fine but if you cannot afford to date even one person even if she chips in, how are you going to manage more than one?

[moneymkt]

But how are you going to afford to pay for coffee for yourself even given the strict budget you just described above? Will you just ask the person to meet you for a walk -that's fine but if you cannot afford to date even one person even if she chips in, how are you going to manage more than one?

 

Probably daily financial meetings.

[Fudgie]

well that's what I am doing now. Talked to someone new from Okcupid 10 minutes ago and plan to call back after dinner

 

I should be going out with more than one person so I can see who is best for me.

 

I agree that multiple dating is probably good for you. Don't be exclusive with this girl, she sounds like a mooch

[SherrySher]

I too agree that the woman he is describing does sound like a mooch who made little effort, however, OP went a bit OTT with the criticising. Which makes me say the same, hope you're perfect OP.

[moneymkt]

I too agree that the woman he is describing does sound like a mooch who made little effort, however, OP went a bit OTT with the criticising. Which makes me say the same, hope you're perfect OP.

 

Not saying she had to be perfect, just showing she put effort into looking feminine the same way I did to look nice for her. I put on my best clothes when I came to see her