OK so after 4 dates here are the issues I have with her

[TheRawTruth]

Are you asking her out on these dates or is it a mutual thing? Is she initiating contact (texts/calls) or are you always texting first?

[moneymkt]

Are you asking her out on these dates or is it a mutual thing? Is she initiating contact (texts/calls) or are you always texting first?

 

 

It's a mutual thing. Sometimes she texts first or I text first.

[IAmFCA]

It's a mutual thing. Sometimes she texts first or I text first.

 

I'm confused. This started out as a one-way thing. Do you both initiate text and only you initiate activities? Has anything happened lately?

[moneymkt]

I'm confused. This started out as a one-way thing. Do you both initiate text and only you initiate activities? Has anything happened lately?

 

She has text first to see how I am doing but has not initiated any activities. I'm sick of planning and paying each time we see each other

[Dominique]

Date someone else.

[Careerchoice]

She has text first to see how I am doing but has not initiated any activities. I'm sick of planning and paying each time we see each other

 

So have you addressed it? What do you plan on doing about it?

[moneymkt]

Date someone else.

 

I am trying but she is going to be hard to replace

[moneymkt]

So have you addressed it? What do you plan on doing about it?

 

Seeing if she plans on bringing up seeing me again and suggesting something. If she doesn't bring it up neither will I and we will just be chatting on the phone.

[Careerchoice]

Seeing if she plans on bringing up seeing me again and suggesting something. If she doesn't bring it up neither will I and we will just be chatting on the phone.

 

It's too passive aggressive. For your own personal growth you should reach out to her and get this your chest. Otherwise girls are going to keep doing this type of thing to you.

[moneymkt]

It's too passive aggressive. For your own personal growth you should reach out to her and get this your chest. Otherwise girls are going to keep doing this type of thing to you.

 

How do you even bring something like that up without it being awkward?

[Careerchoice]

How do you even bring something like that up without it being awkward?

 

You have to shift your goal of "Not making it awkward" into "I need to develop a spine."

 

From a bird's eye view, things with this girl are shot no matter what. I mean, literally there is a way for you salvage this, but it would require you to spontaneously develop the ability to fully speak your mind and stand your ground, i.e., you'd have to snap. But barring this happening, the best you're going to accomplish from this interaction is taking the first step in progressing toward being the type of man who freely expresses himself and isn't afraid to stick up for himself. It's going to be a transformative experience, one I made many years ago, but it's your only chance at having a successful relationship in your lifetime.

 

So call her, say you want to set up another date, state that you'd like her to pay since you've paid the past few dates, and you'd prefer her dress up a bit for the date. Then see what happens. It may work, it may not. It certainly will be awkward, but embrace that. That's you learning.

[Dominique]

You have to shift your goal of "Not making it awkward" into "I need to develop a spine."

 

From a bird's eye view, things with this girl are shot no matter what. I mean, literally there is a way for you salvage this, but it would require you to spontaneously develop the ability to fully speak your mind and stand your ground, i.e., you'd have to snap. But barring this happening, the best you're going to accomplish from this interaction is taking the first step in progressing toward being the type of man who freely expresses himself and isn't afraid to stick up for himself. It's going to be a transformative experience, one I made many years ago, but it's your only chance at having a successful relationship in your lifetime.

 

So call her, say you want to set up another date, state that you'd like her to pay since you've paid the past few dates, and you'd prefer her dress up a bit for the date. Then see what happens. It may work, it may not. It certainly will be awkward, but embrace that. That's you learning.

 

If a guy I went out with 4 times called me and said "hey i want to see you but can you pay for a change and dress up nice please?" I would hang up the phone or not even bother to reply. (That's just me and how I would feel if asked that. I am not saying there is anything wrong with a woman paying.)

 

I think OP wants a different type of woman. Seems he wants a more alpha type female that will pay for dates but that is also more traditionally "feminine" in her style. There are other women in the world. This one doesn't seem like she's for him.

 

Before this turns into a future post that reads:

 

"we have been together for a year and I want to end things because even though I love her, she's cheap and never makes an effort for me....she's always been like that but I ignored it because I like her. What should I do? I don't want to break her heart?"

 

Just cut this one loose. She's not for you.

[Batya33]

If a guy I went out with 4 times called me and said "hey i want to see you but can you pay for a change and dress up nice please?" I would hang up the phone or not even bother to reply. (That's just me and how I would feel if asked that. I am not saying there is anything wrong with a woman paying.)

 

I think OP wants a different type of woman. Seems he wants a more alpha type female that will pay for dates but that is also more traditionally "feminine" in her style. There are other women in the world. This one doesn't seem like she's for him.

 

Before this turns into a future post that reads:

 

"we have been together for a year and I want to end things because even though I love her, she's cheap and never makes an effort for me....she's always been like that but I ignored it because I like her. What should I do? I don't want to break her heart?"

 

Just cut this one loose. She's not for you.

 

I don't think this has to do with "alpha" but with basic manners. If a person is asked to do that -man or woman - I would find it inappropriate. I don't think a woman paying for a date or chipping in makes her "alpha" necessarily or any other label - often people -men and women -pay because they want more of a sense of control in general, or they chose a place they believe the other person might not be able to afford. Certainly a woman -alpha or not -who wants only very traditional dating would not offer to pay and that also doesn't trigger any general label IMO.

 

I agree they are not a good match and don't think he'll find any woman other than one with really low self esteem or desperate who would take kindly to blunt suggestions to pay.

[Dominique]

I don't think this has to do with "alpha" but with basic manners. If a person is asked to do that -man or woman - I would find it inappropriate. I don't think a woman paying for a date or chipping in makes her "alpha" necessarily or any other label - often people -men and women -pay because they want more of a sense of control in general, or they chose a place they believe the other person might not be able to afford. Certainly a woman -alpha or not -who wants only very traditional dating would not offer to pay and that also doesn't trigger any general label IMO.

 

I agree they are not a good match and don't think he'll find any woman other than one with really low self esteem or desperate who would take kindly to blunt suggestions to pay.

 

I see your point. Very well put.

[moneymkt]

If a guy I went out with 4 times called me and said "hey i want to see you but can you pay for a change and dress up nice please?" I would hang up the phone or not even bother to reply. (That's just me and how I would feel if asked that. I am not saying there is anything wrong with a woman paying.)

 

I think OP wants a different type of woman. Seems he wants a more alpha type female that will pay for dates but that is also more traditionally "feminine" in her style. There are other women in the world. This one doesn't seem like she's for him.

 

Before this turns into a future post that reads:

 

"we have been together for a year and I want to end things because even though I love her, she's cheap and never makes an effort for me....she's always been like that but I ignored it because I like her. What should I do? I don't want to break her heart?"

 

Just cut this one loose. She's not for you.

 

 

 

Feminine is the word I meant to use when describing how she should look not sexy. And she looked that way in her profile so that's why I am not understanding why she didn't look like that on most dates.

[moneymkt]

I don't think this has to do with "alpha" but with basic manners. If a person is asked to do that -man or woman - I would find it inappropriate. I don't think a woman paying for a date or chipping in makes her "alpha" necessarily or any other label - often people -men and women -pay because they want more of a sense of control in general, or they chose a place they believe the other person might not be able to afford. Certainly a woman -alpha or not -who wants only very traditional dating would not offer to pay and that also doesn't trigger any general label IMO.

 

I agree they are not a good match and don't think he'll find any woman other than one with really low self esteem or desperate who would take kindly to blunt suggestions to pay.

 

 

 

Well if she brings it up and doesn't offer to treat me out, my respond will be

 

"I am waiting for my money to build back up after going on vacation"

[moneymkt]

Actually I plan to invite her over my spot to watch movies and order dinner. If she doesn't go for that then I know everything i need to know about her. And I am not inviting her over to have sex, just to get a little closer emotionally and physically which is not possible in public

[Batya33]

Actually I plan to invite her over my spot to watch movies and order dinner. If she doesn't go for that then I know everything i need to know about her. And I am not inviting her over to have sex, just to get a little closer emotionally and physically which is not possible in public

 

It's entirely possible in public -take a long walk, go to a museum and talk while walking around ,etc. If she is not ready to be alone in your house with you that's ok -it's only 4 dates. Certainly tell her in a positive way that you are suggesting this activity but have no intention of getting sexual until both of you are ready. That might put her at ease. Please don't think of it as some sort of test.

 

As far as sharing your financial situation in the way you plan I think that's kind of snarky. If she doesn't offer to chip in or treat simply plan something very inexpensive or free that it within your budget. If she wants a different plan she can offer that and if you cannot afford it simply explain "that sounds fun but right now I can't afford it".

 

If you're at this stage of testing and cynicism I say why bother seeing her again.

[moneymkt]

It's entirely possible in public -take a long walk, go to a museum and talk while walking around ,etc. If she is not ready to be alone in your house with you that's ok -it's only 4 dates. Certainly tell her in a positive way that you are suggesting this activity but have no intention of getting sexual until both of you are ready. That might put her at ease. Please don't think of it as some sort of test.

 

As far as sharing your financial situation in the way you plan I think that's kind of snarky. If she doesn't offer to chip in or treat simply plan something very inexpensive or free that it within your budget. If she wants a different plan she can offer that and if you cannot afford it simply explain "that sounds fun but right now I can't afford it".

 

If you're at this stage of testing and cynicism I say why bother seeing her again.

 

 

 

Isn't saying "I am waiting for money to build back up and I can't afford it" the same thing?

[LaHermes]

You said it MLD!

 

"but we can't know what you mean if you describe it with the wrong words."

 

And she isn't a piece of furniture or a lightbulb.

 

I am trying but she is going to be hard to replace

 

And she looked that way in her profile so that's why I am not understanding why she didn't look like that on most dates.

 

Sigh! When will people get it into their heads that the picture in an ad all too often has little to do with the real thing. It's how it is.

[Batya33]

Isn't saying "I am waiting for money to build back up and I can't afford it" the same thing?

 

Not in the way you first wrote it. It's just TMI -you're telling her you spent all your money on vacation and therefore you can't spend more on dates. Why share that -seems to me you're trying to send a message that you would rather spend money on a vacation than going on a date (even if she chips in right).

[moneymkt]

Not in the way you first wrote it. It's just TMI -you're telling her you spent all your money on vacation and therefore you can't spend more on dates. Why share that -seems to me you're trying to send a message that you would rather spend money on a vacation than going on a date (even if she chips in right).

 

But if she was treated 4 times then why would it be a big deal? I;m supposed too just spend spend spend huh?

[mustlovedogs]

But if she was treated 4 times then why would it be a big deal? I;m supposed too just spend spend spend huh?

 

That's not at all what was said.

 

You're just not supposed to turn it passive aggressive.

[moneymkt]

That's not at all what was said.

 

You're just not supposed to turn it passive aggressive.

 

 

I have a trip to NYC coming up with my family and just gave a friend a wedding gift and put a down payment on a trip in August so I won't be able to treat anyone until atleast june 11th

[mustlovedogs]

I have a trip to NYC coming up with my family and just gave a friend a wedding gift and put a down payment on a trip in August so I won't be able to treat anyone until atleast june 11th

 

Ok and that's fine. But I still wouldn't say that.

 

Do you even have another date planned?