Boyfriend won't live with me after going out for 12 years..

[AlisonMD]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 12 years. We are in our 50s. We have both been divorced for about 14 years. We also both have children and live an hour away from each other. His children mostly live with their mother and mine have now left home. I have wanted us to live together for a long while but he hasn't always been straight about this and would say--when the girls finish GCSEs, then when they finish 6th form, then when they leave university etc. I understood this up to a point -certainly until the girls finished exams but it has just gone on and on. I have been upset about this as I cant see why he has been unable to commit more than seeing each other every two weeks for one day and night and a few odd holidays. This has gone on for 12 years.

Finally, his youngest daughter starts university, but just as this happens my mother passes away and my father has a bad fall. The result of this was that I felt I needed to give up work to care for dad until he was back on his feet again (it was a very bad fall), so I did this moving him across the country.

This was a big change for me but I knew I would feel awful if I didn't help him and that it was the right thing to do. I also knew it wouldn't be forever and that I could sort out support for him in my local area and then could look for another job.

However, this has given my bf another reason to not want to move in or get a place together. He is saying it means he would have to have some responsibility for dad (which he wouldn't as he is my responsibilty) and that not being on our own all the time would affect our relationship. I am heartbroken. He also said to me that my sister hadn't offered to help dad in the way I have (she lives in another part of the country) and as he doesn't view this as unreasonable he feels justified in also not wanting to live with dad some of the time, however temporary.

I am so upset and cant get over the feeling that this is another excuse and that if he really loves me he would support me and still make efforts for us to be together. On the other hand I am wondering if I am being unreasonable and that I should be more patient. I think Im also worried that even if I still see him on this part time basis until dad is sorted that after all of this he will still come up with another reason for us not to make a life together.

 

Any suggestions and advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately after this long it's pretty clear that he simply doesn't want to live together and has one reason after the next. Your bf has some valid reasons regarding his kids and now having your father there and your not working.

 

But you either need to accept that living together is out and continue dating or end it and find someone on the same wavelength.

I needed to give up work to care for dad until he was back on his feet again. I also knew it wouldn't be forever and that I could sort out support for him in my local area and then could look for another job.

[AlisonMD]

Thank you Wiseman. I do need to see all perspectives and I appreciate your observations-really helpful.. thank you

[j.man]

I think it's a combination of practical circumstances and the fact he very well may have simply "been there, done that" with regard to the whole cohabiting thing. Who knows, as age settles in, he may grow more keen to live more as a unit, but it seems he prefers his autonomy. Not necessarily conventional, but there's nothing wrong with it.

 

I will say it's not cool for him to be moving goalposts with the whole move-in idea, but after years and years of it, you should be well aware this is his MO. Really, this is a reality that should have settled in about a decade ago. Now, with your father entering the picture, I'd say he's definitely got a justifiable reason not to change the script.

 

Have you two ever talked about long-term goals as partners? Is he against marrying again?

[AlisonMD]

Hi J.man,

Thank you for your ideas-really helpful. Yes he said his long term goal is for us to live together and he has said that if we did that we could get married. He has always said that, but just as you say has shifted the goal posts..so I would think it would be a particular year, then there would be a reason why not, then the following year and so on. I know I should have realised sooner that he wouldn't move but I honestly have always believed what he said and that he would. I suppose that's why I have gone along for 12 years. Its the fact that his youngest has left for university that has bought me to this point and everything with Dad. His ex wife moved on years ago -and got re married years ago.

[DancingFool]

Well....you've been in this relationship as is for 12 years. I'm assuming that you haven't been sitting in misery just waiting and waiting for that one day when you'll finally move in together, right? To stick around for so long, something about this dynamic is actually working for the both of you. So maybe think about that long and hard so you don't throw out the baby with the bathwater kind of a thing. Meaning being so fixated about living together that you disregard all the good aspects of the relationship that has kept things going for so many years.

 

On the other hand, if you adamantly want someone living with you and being there on a daily basis, then perhaps you need to communicate that to him directly and let him know that you are reaching the end of the road. Either you need to change the dynamic of this relationship or you will need to find a new relationship. All that said, the timing for all this is simply not good. His concerns about your father and your lack of employment are valid. Sort out yourself, your father's care and your own situation, then come at things from a position of strength and where you are able to make some decisions and don't appear to be looking for a roof over your head.

[journeynow]

Would you be willing to move close to him and live in separate houses, and get your dad settled there? An hour away is a different community, and an adjustment one of you would need to make. Giving up privacy by moving into the same home is another step, but maybe make one step at a time. If you are only minutes away you'll have opportunity for more time together, and he doesn't have to commit to living with extra family members.

[Hollyj]

The question you should ask yourself, is why have you put up with this nonsense.

 

He has shown you over and over, he likes to keep things casual, now you need to decide if you are willing to continue to sacrifice your dreams for this guy.

 

ALWAYS FOLLOW THE ACTIONS, NOT THE WORDS!

[AlisonMD]

Hi Dancing Fool,

Thank you for this. there is a lot of truth in what you say. I have a house of my own so it isnt about that but I know what you are saying and there are many good observations that are really helpful

[AlisonMD]

thanks Holly. I appreciate your fedback

[Knight2001]

hi,

sorry to hear you are a bit unhappy and upset. if you will allow i will give my opinion, on several things.

firstly i think you are doing a wonderful thing looking after your dad, it truly is admirable that you have given up work to look after him. you are a really decent human being. i dont understand where your b/f is coming from where he is using our dad living there as an excuse for him not to. should he not want to help you, or at the very least support you? is this the type of man you really want to be with for the rest of our life? fast forward to a hypothetical situation i will put to you......your b/f is ill and needs looking after - who would look after him ? im guessing you as you have already illustrated compassion. on the other hand, what if you were ill and needed looking after - would he accept any responsibilty then ?

i must ask a question about future living arrangements.....to live together, would he move in with you, or you with him, or would you both sell up and buy somewhere suitable between you ? if the arrangement is for him to move in with you he might, and this is only a might, not want to tell his children he is moving an hour away from them ?

[JaggerJim]

Some people just get set in their ways. It shounds like he's completely happy with having his own life and partially seeing you. It's clearly not working, and now's the time to end it and find someone else.

[AlisonMD]

Thank you That is a lovely thing to say. I am doing my best for dad and I am looking for the continuing care he needs. I understand its not ideal for my b/f but its only temporary. I do feel disappointed but I think the posts on here have given me some perspective .

[AlisonMD]

Thank you Jagger Jim.... I think it could be that

[abitbroken]

Why are you so focused on living together? It should be "do i want to marry this guy? Does he want to marry me?" You should be focusing on that. You are not a 20 year old college student not at a point in your life to be close to marriageable state. Maybe he is set in his ways, but maybe he is also of the opinion that moving in together is not something that should be done.

 

You both own homes, right? Why should he sell his and give up his security or a place for his kids to come to move in with a girlfriend or why should you do the same? In 12 years, i would think you would have had the conversation fairly early on what you were looking for in a relationship - the eventual marriage partner - you were looking to marry again or you were just looking to date? Did you have that conversation?

 

I don't see anything new happening at this point unless one of you is willing to sacrifice, but i would not sacrifice without a ring and a date. Also - consider if his kids live with their mom, but come over sometimes. Does he want a live in girlfriend in that case?

 

So you have a lot of thinking to do - are you sincerely looking for a husband and are willing to break up to find one or are you content the way things are?

 

My mom had a cousin who didn't date until her kids were out of the house - didn't even start. And then she didn't have a live in boyfriend because of the grandkids. She eventually remarried.

[abitbroken]

btw, it may be after you make your decision to end things that he gets ready to marry super quickly. Or he could say "hey, you are right, this isn't working". If you just live with him - i mean, what then?

[AlisonMD]

Hell Abitbroke,

Thank you for all your observations- they are really helpful. Ive not looked at it in this way..

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's safe to say that in his heart, he doesn't want to live with you. The question for you is ... Is living apart a dealbreaker?

[catfeeder]

I cant see why he has been unable to commit more than seeing each other every two weeks for one day and night and a few odd holidays. This has gone on for 12 years.

 

This is all the man has offered for 12 years, yet you stay invested and trick yourself into believing that he's going to change.

 

How many years do you need in order to recognize that twice a month from a distance is enough for this guy, it has always been enough, and he's not going to change?

 

I'd ask myself, If I knew that this is all that BF would ever offer me--no less, but no more--would I stay or would I go? If the answer is stay, then here you are. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, when?

[AlisonMD]

This is all the man has offered for 12 years, yet you stay invested and trick yourself into believing that he's going to change.

 

How many years do you need in order to recognize that twice a month from a distance is enough for this guy, it has always been enough, and he's not going to change?

 

I'd ask myself, If I knew that this is all that BF would ever offer me--no less, but no more--would I stay or would I go? If the answer is stay, then here you are. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, when?

 

Thank you I know you are right .. thank you for your observations-they are so helpful

[Sportster2005]

Sorry to hear about your dad. Hope he recovers soon.

 

He probably loves you, or he wouldn't have stuck around for 12 years. He just doesn't want to live with you. If he keeps looking for excuses, he never will. I think you need to accept this, and decide if you can live with it. Remember, when people want to be in your life, they will. It's an inescapable fact of life. This guy has demonstrated clearly the level to which he wants to be with you.

[AlisonMD]

Sorry to hear about your dad. Hope he recovers soon.

 

He probably loves you, or he wouldn't have stuck around for 12 years. He just doesn't want to live with you. If he keeps looking for excuses, he never will. I think you need to accept this, and decide if you can live with it. Remember, when people want to be in your life, they will. It's an inescapable fact of life. This guy has demonstrated clearly the level to which he wants to be with you.

 

 

Thank you Sportser. I think you are right. Loves me..but doesn't want to live with me..