Exotic Dance Dilemma

[ExoticDance]

Hey guys, I hope you are all well?

Here's the thing, I'm new to all of this but I've spent a long while racking my brains and many sleepless nights searching for a solution.. So I thought I'd turn worldwide to search for answers... So imagine this, an 18 year old girl with the world at her feet, a horse, money to spend on whatever she wishes, friends around her and family for support. That 18 year old girl was me. I was an exotic dancer. I met a guy (21), I'm now 19 and I no longer have a job because of it and I'm financially struggling... Here's the issue, my boyfriend is very paranoid and not for one second would he allow me to work back at the club, even though he's aware that I'm about to lose everything even my home... I'm completely aware how bizarre this situation sounds but I could really do with some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now, he was fine at the start, you ladies know the crack and even you guys, perfect to start with and then the true colours make a rude announcement out of nowhere!!! He started to get paranoid and controlling, telling me what I should and shouldn't wear and making me feel low and accusing me of wanting every guys attention because I wore make up and got my nails done. I wasn't allowed to look out of the car window on journeys, he just made me feel quite disgusting within myself. I lost all of my confidence, we couldn't even watch a movie without him being paranoid. I started getting anxious and panicking every time I saw a guy in the street, even when I wasn't with my boyfriend. We argued every night without fail for 6 months straight, it drained the life out of me. I lost my job through being late as he would keep my up till 4am when I had work in the morning. I'm currently unemployed and I have no way to earn money quick enough apart from returning to exotic dancing. But how do I possibly tell him that? He has a short fuse and I'm scared of him when he gets angry. He doesn't like me spending time with friends and I don't get to spend as much time with my beloved horse who means so much to me! I guess I just need some advice guys, anything really would be welcome! I'm just a beaten down, lifeless mess at the moment with no light at the end of the tunnel! Thank you all in advance and I hope you are all having a lovely evening/day! xxxxx

[abitbroken]

I don't think its right to be controlling.

But I don't know any guy who is looking for a future wife who would date an exotic dancer.

I think you should dump this guy because he's controlling. He knows what you were when you met.

But I think you should also rethink your career path after you dump him if you want to meet someone to settle down with. The caliber of men who take a stripper seriously as a girlfriend is not very high.

The world is not "at your feet" as a stripper. Downscale your lifestyle to something affordable and find a career that is lasting.

[rosephase]

Leave him. Then he doesn't have any say. He's controlling and abusive and treats you terribly. Stripping aside, money aside, you are currently with a abusive jerk and the first thing you should do is get him out of your life.

[agent1607307371]

Dump him. Controlling and manipulative men will just ruin you. Don't accept this kind of behavior - it does not mean he cares, it does not mean he's sweet, it does not mean he doesn't know to to express his feelings. It's abusive.

 

And then get into councelling/therapy to deal with the effects of dating an abusive man.

[Wiseman2]

Don't quit any job for someone you are dating a few months. Do whatever you have to to keep your house.

 

How did you meet? Was he a customer? He sounds controlling and abusive.

 

You know what you have to do. End it and go no contact and get your job back.

I'm now 19 and I no longer have a job because of it and I'm financially struggling... Here's the issue, my boyfriend is very paranoid and not for one second would he allow me to work back at the club, even though he's aware that I'm about to lose everything even my home.

[boltnrun]

"He has a short fuse and I'm scared of him when he gets angry."

 

This is all you need to know.

 

Leave him.

[ExoticDance]

Wow I was so surprised by the quick and helpful feedback, thank you ever so much to all of you! He has his upsides, but they all come at a cost. For example he'll take us for dinner and then start an argument and say I'm being ungrateful. For example we went for dinner a few weeks back and there was a table full of girls next to us in which it was one of their birthdays and they had a cake brought out to them, so I looked over and smiled (as anyone would) and my boyfriend accused me of looking at a guy when he could full well see it was a table full of girls. I then got upset as I explained I was looking at the girls, which anyone in their right mind would be a little upset in being accused of doing something you hadn't and he then told me I was ruining it and that I was being ungrateful even though he had started the issue. I never feel comfortable to even glance up nowadays. I have recently heard his ex started out confident and a lovely girl but she became depressed, anxious and even wanted to kill herself. I find it strange as he said that she was the controlling one yet everything she apparently did to him, he now does to me... He punches things when he gets mad and says it's normal, he's never physically hurt me but I'm scared he would... I've never ever cheated and I never ever would, having been cheated on before I wouldn't wish that torture on anyone... He just treats me like I've cheated on him with the whole population of England yet he will tell me he trusts me and his actions prove otherwise, like always going through my phone and reading messages and getting paranoid if I go on facebook or if I don't text much in the day.. Even in the summer he's complained and said he worries that I will want to wear shorts or that I'll want to go on the sunbeds or wear belly tops. Is that normal from a guys point of view?xxxxx

[boltnrun]

None of that is "normal".

 

Why do you want to stay with him? And please give reasons other than "I love him".

[ExoticDance]

This is going to sound real strange but I'm unsure of the reason now... We broke up and I agreed (stupidly) to just go on a break and he agreed he'd change and so on, I saw him for a day and it was amazing so I stayed with him for a few more days and that's when the arguments started, only little things but he would blame me. We were watching a movie and I was under a blanket because it was so cold and he suddenly came out with "well I would have thought you would have held my hand" and I explained it was because I was cold yet he still proceeded to be funny and then blamed it all on me. And it made me question myself but I knew full well I wasn't in the wrong. He comes across pathetic! I don't know what I'm holding on for and I know that's complete and utter stupidity but we planned out stuff in the future, how we'd both dreamed of moving to California and how we'd do it together one day, but I just feel so trapped. I think I'm just holding on for the hope it will be the same as when we met one day

[nutbrownhare]

Get rid of this guy as soon as you possibly can, regardless of whether you go back to the club or not. He's a first class, grade A1 abuser and might well progress to physical violence in time. Someone like this would be paranoid no matter what you did, and now your energy needs to go into getting away from him, safely.

 

Start by formulating an exit strategy; there are many online resources and this one may help: /

[boltnrun]

So you stay with him hoping he'll "change"???

 

You do know that abusers act super nice in the beginning to get you hooked, right?

 

If he acted abusive from the start you'd never have gone on a second date with him.

 

Now that you see the REAL him (and yes, this IS the real him, the nice guy in the beginning was an act), what are you going to do? Stay until he breaks some of your bones (if you're lucky) or he puts you into an early grave? Or get out now before he REALLY hurts you?

[agent1607307371]

Is that normal from a guys point of view?

 

It's normal for abusive people. It's normal for people who like to hurt and scare and degrade their partner because that's how they feel good.

 

He won't change, you can't fix him, and your behaviour is not why he acts like this. You need to run.

[ExoticDance]

I always wondered if it was true what he said when he said his ex was the controlling one to him and she was paranoid but I just don't think that's the truth... He tells me I wouldn't be sh*t without him and he wouldn't without me but that isn't a normal thing to say to a partner... It got so bad he'd ask if I'd seen any guys in the day and then go mad at me. He always tells me if I was to leave him he'd be fine with his next girlfriend because he's changing and getting better, will he be the same with every girl? I just need to find the best possible way to end it without bottling it and running back, he's convinced me I can't live without him!

[nutbrownhare]

I always wondered if it was true what he said when he said his ex was the controlling one to him and she was paranoid but I just don't think that's the truth... He tells me I wouldn't be sh*t without him and he wouldn't without me but that isn't a normal thing to say to a partner... It got so bad he'd ask if I'd seen any guys in the day and then go mad at me. He always tells me if I was to leave him he'd be fine with his next girlfriend because he's changing and getting better, will he be the same with every girl? I just need to find the best possible way to end it without bottling it and running back, he's convinced me I can't live without him!

 

I've had a couple of abusive relationships, which didn't last long, but one of the things I noticed was that they both accused others of doing what they do themselves. Actually, to the point that it gave a real insight into how they themselves operated. One of the ironic things about abusers is that they actually see themselves as victims.

[ExoticDance]

That actually makes so much sense. I remember once we were in his car and he told me I was "controlling" him because he hadn't seen his friend, I was absolutely gobsmacked, I couldn't believe it!!! I never ever mentioned anything that he shouldn't see his friends yet he always complained and even made me promise I didn't want to see friends. Even now he'll say he doesn't want me to go for drinks with friends yet he will and he'll go for drinks with his cousin but apparently "that doesn't count because it's family". I'm the most laid back person in the world, I'd certainly never tell someone not to do something because I wouldn't want that myself.. I even applied for a job in aldi and he complained, got paranoid and started arguments because there would be guys working there!! We got into an argument last week and I could hear him like aggressively talking to himself, he sounded like he was possessed and it really scared me..

[boltnrun]

OK, you've made your case that he's an abusive a-hole. No disagreement here.

 

What are you going to DO about it???

[Wiseman2]

Begin to set yourself free through knowledge. Start reading up on abusive and controlling relationships violence and abuse[/url]

 

"If you’re beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one’s partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for. Watch out for these red flags and if you’re experiencing one or more of them in your relationship, call or chat online with an advocate to talk about what’s going on.

 

Telling you that you can never do anything right

Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away

Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members

Insulting, demeaning or shaming you with put-downs

Controlling every penny spent in the household

Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses

Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you

Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do

Preventing you from making your own decisions

Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children

Preventing you from working or attending school

Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets

Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons

Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with

Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol"

[HeartGoesOn]

He punches things when he gets mad and says it's normal, he's never physically hurt me but I'm scared he would...

 

No, that's not normal, in fact there doesn't seem to be anything normal about him at all. The fact that he's controlling, punches things, etc, are all very telling as to what he's likely to be capable of.

 

In short, you're playing a game of Russian Roulette where the chances of winning are impossible. it is what it is, you can't change him, you can't fix him and it's time to bow out before it's too late.

[Dahl]

Please leave this chap immediately. Protect yourself. Do not even entertain the idea that what you do or have done to support yourself obligates you to take abuse of any kind from anyone.

 

I like the quote once attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson - What lies behind us, and what lies before us are but tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

[Snny]

I dated an abusive guy like your current boyfriend. The next thing I knew, I had a concussion from being punched in the head and was admitted to the hospital.

 

Leave him right now. This man is psychologically ill and extremely dangerous. Also, call the police if he threatens you or himself. Lock all doors. Do not let him into your place if you are living separately. Arm yourself if he tries to break in and call the cops.

 

For example we went for dinner a few weeks back and there was a table full of girls next to us in which it was one of their birthdays and they had a cake brought out to them, so I looked over and smiled (as anyone would) and my boyfriend accused me of looking at a guy when he could full well see it was a table full of girls. I then got upset as I explained I was looking at the girls

You had nothing to explain. I would of got up from the table, left and called Uber/cab/friend to take me straight home. I would also stay in plain public sight to prevent him from manhandling you. And if he was harassing me, I'd tell him a strong "shut the F up. Leave!"

 

 

You're safety is in a huge risk around this man. I'm F'ing serious and have been there. It's going to get much worse the longer you stay with him.

[ExoticDance]

Just out of curiosity Snny did he put you down about yourself also? Like the other day he mentioned we should go to the casino one day and he said people who go are in suits and ball gowns and I was so excited, I've never been anywhere to wear something so nice and he instantly was like "Well why would you want to wear a dress you'll just look stupid" it really upset me and knocked my confidence that I wasn't good enough. I texted him and told him it made me feel a little crappy in myself and he told me I was being stupid and misunderstood and that he was only looking out for me.. This is the thing, even when he's being funny he'll turn it around and say I took it wrong! thank you so so so much for your help and I'm so sorry to hear of your experience!! I hope you have found happiness now xxx

[Clio]

What you describe is emotional abuse. He IS trying to knock your self-confidence. It's toxic, manipulative and can damage your brain for years to come. Do not underestimate the damage this has on you. Think of it as a form of brainwashing. Don't walk, run. P.S. It would also be advisable to go back to school/seek training on a profession that has no expiration date. Otherwise, you risk depending on deadbeats like your boyfriend.

[boltnrun]

Exotic...NONE of this is "normal"!!!

[Snny]

Just out of curiosity Snny did he put you down about yourself also? Like the other day he mentioned we should go to the casino one day and he said people who go are in suits and ball gowns and I was so excited, I've never been anywhere to wear something so nice and he instantly was like "Well why would you want to wear a dress you'll just look stupid

My ex was very verbally abusive.

 

There was one incident when I used to go to gaming, science fiction, and anime conventions. A group of friends invited me to go with them and we had a hotel room for the weekend. They were all girls in a room (it was way before I entered the party scene of conventions). The ex asked and demanded that I did not go, I would look like a w*re if I participated in cosplay, etc. I dressed up in a schoolgirl costume from a video game and did it for a gaming tournament. I went against his wishes and ended up leaving my phone turned off.

 

I came back and he interrogated me. Told me to "fess up" to any amounts of cheating that took place at the convention (which did not happen). He also lied to me and told me that he sent a friend out to spy on me at the convention to get me to "cave" (very impossible when the convention had over 20,000 people in attendance and you could not get into the convention center at all without wearing a badge).

 

OP stop telling us your stories and actually do something. You got all of the advice you needed.