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  1. I know they say that you should never let your experiences make your heart bitter. But I’m really finding it hard not to. Maybe it’s because I’m still trying so desperately to find love when I haven’t even accomplished loving myself fully yet. I know, that once again, this is all so self inflicted. But when I look around me, I can’t help but panic. The generation of today brings me a lot of worry. Mainly when it concerns love. And finding a love that’s true and pure. I know I shouldn’t spend so much time stressing over that and I should enjoy my life. And I do. I really do. But thinking ahead of time, what if I never find love? What if I never find someone as crazy for me as I am them? I know I should live every day as it comes. But what if? I know also it hasn’t been five minutes since my last break up. It’s just, I can’t help but notice that people are not so genuine nowadays when it comes to love. And that scares me... maybe I’ve been looking in all the wrong places. In fact, I know I shouldn’t go looking for it at all. I wish love was like a movie. Is it ever like that? I just hope that one day I find someone who is tired of disloyalty too. Someone who wants something real. A best friend and a lover. My head feels awfully quiet again. Almost on the verge of just going MIA again and switching off my phone for a while. I like the peace of my own head sometimes. But admittedly, it can become a little dangerous. Reaching a point where I feel as though I’m completely lost in a Wonderland. One that I never want to leave to return to the real world.
  2. And “if you want to ride a horse, don’t buy a donkey” will literally stay with me for life!! Definitely my new favourite saying!! You’re the best!!!
  3. DancingFool, I actually ADORE the way you have put this so perfectly thank you so so much!! It makes perfect sense coming from someone else, I need to be stricter on myself!! I’ve been thinking back since I posted this thread today and honestly I’m sat here wondering why I entertain him when he’s such trash!! Thank you so so much!!!
  4. Hi all, although I am a regular on this site with my "When it gets dark.." thread, it has been a while since I have come here for advice. And I feel I should have done so a long while ago. In advance before I get into it, I know what you are thinking- "This girl is an idiot". And you would be right. But I'm helpless when it comes to spotting the signs of a bad relationship and I am pretty much incapable of loving myself enough to walk away. So I guess I'll start from the beginning... As some of you may have seen from my previous threads, the guy in question is "Mr Perfect". I know, I thought I had finally found a good one. Turns out I'm a magnet for toxicity. So like every relationship, it was amazing to start with. Better than amazing actually. But from early on things went so downhill. (Ive come to the conclusion that in order for this to be successful I need to be honest with everything so I won't spare any details). So, again from a previous thread you might see that I was a dancer, hence the profile name. I met this guy whilst I was a dancer. And obviously I am aware that is a very bad way to meet a person. He didn't like the fact I was doing this for a job and so after a while I gave it up and got a new job. He would always start over little things. Always get me to the point of crying my eyes out and ending up ill before he would come back around and say things were fine and that I was the one who needed to change. He started to get very secretive, he would hardly ever message me in the evenings, he would get mad over little things. He would follow loads of girls and make up excuses like it was an accident. (Fair enough following them but the excuses made me suspicious). Fast forward a year and everything was awful, I lost so much weight, I suffered with bad anxiety, I couldn't eat. I got really ill. I found out he was messaging other girls and so I ended it. I so stupidly took him back, I know, I'm and idiot for all of those who want to jump on here and slate me for that (Its yet to get worse so sit tight!!). We were slowly working through things and then he asked a girl to go home with him when he was on a night out, swore on my life he knew her from work and then I later found out he was trying to get into her pants. (Real charmer, eh?) so obviously, I ended it. That was it as far as I was concerned, I didn't want to know him after that. It was close to my birthday and he dropped a present off with one of my family members. Long story short, I took him back again. (You must wanna shake me and call me a complete idiot, right?! Yeah me too!!) Again, things were great to start with, as usual. But then it started to get bad again until a few months ago I caught him out messaging another girl, we had set him up but I had my suspicions as he was acting real shady, following and unfollowing her and liking and unliking her photos so I asked her and she told me that he had followed her around the gym, not talking to her, and then found her on social media that same day (Creep, I know!!). So I ended it again, and for the first time in forever I felt amazing. I started eating more, I made more time for friends, I woke up early in the morning to do stuff. I really was so so happy. Then he emailed me. Apologising and saying all the typical stuff of how much I mean and that he's realised what he has lost and that if he could do it again he would change everything and make it right. That he would spend more time with me and put more effort in and that I was all that mattered to him. (I know what you are thinking ;)) So, I took him back again. (I KNOW YOU MUST WANT TO LITERALLY SHAKE ME BY THIS POINT I KNOW!!!). As you can imagine, the effort was amazing to start with. I made it clear my trust would not come easy and he said that was fine. He was making more of an effort to see me and do things and I whole heartedly thought that maybe he has realised. Maybe he's finally grown up. Fast forward to now, hahahahahahaha. Yeah, he didn't change. He hardly ever wants to see me, he gets angry over little things such as asking if he is okay and then he has the nerve to say that I am the one pushing him away. He blamed it on me every time he attempted to cheat. Suddenly the gym is way more important than me again. I just feel like a guy of his age (28) surely should have different priorities of settling down and pulling his finger out to treat me better than he has previously? Am I wrong for thinking that? I guess my question is surely this isn't right? I have been so good to him but its just like he doesn't see my worth. I have looked into narcissism and he fits the bill perfectly. He starts arguments and then blames me. If I'm not happy with something and I try to voice it I'm "arguing". No matter how calmly I say it he thinks that I am trying to start something. I know the answer is obvious, I know that, but I just need help settling it in. Today has been another bad day with him and I just said that I feel as though he is taking me for granted once again. (This all started over me asking if he was okay by the way). I just feel like he is very childish and surely this is not normal behaviour for a guy of his age? Before anyone jumps on here saying that I should have learned my lesson by now, I know. And I know I have been an idiot but I was so desperate for him to change. Do people like that actually change? Or does it take losing something for good to make them realise?
  5. I definitely agree with Rose, law of attraction and gratitude the whole way!!! It works wonders and makes you feel better about things!!💖
  6. Hi!! I have been on both ends of this situation, like yourself. And my partner reacts sort of the same with the whole tough love thing. I know this may be the last thing you want to hear but it’s so easy to fall into a bit of a pity party -I do the exact same! And I’m in a similar situation with being unemployed through this pandemic. I can see where your boyfriend is coming from based on how my boyfriend complained about the same thing for a while and it wasn’t that I didn’t care it was that I felt like he was repeating himself but actively doing nothing to help himself. But also I have been the one complaining a lot that I feel down and as if I have no purpose. I know it’s so difficult especially with family arguing that you feel as if the closest person -and sort of a comfort blanket- is your boyfriend. And so he is the one you feel you need the comfort from! Tough love is good in a way, as you’re told the things you don’t necessarily want to hear in that moment and it’s horrible I understand that... one thing I can say though is just use all of this free time to try and figure out what you want to do. Try and occupy yourself with the things you enjoy, even if you don’t feel like doing them! And remember that how you feel isn’t wrong, it’s perfectly okay to feel this way so please never thing you are wrong for feeling the way you are. Just think over what you want to do, make a five year plan, fantasise about having that perfect job and big house and nice car, allow yourself to get excited about it and let it drive you and keep you motivated and hopeful!! You’ve got this, and you can do ANYTHING you put your mind too, I promise!!! Feel free to private message at any time even if you just need a moan!! Sending big hugs and love, you’ve got this!!!xxxx
  7. Batya, I honestly would like to thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes to viewing the world from a different perspective. With each of your replies I managed to see a bit more beauty within the world. You gave me hope that not all was bad. You made me realise that I viewed the world so negatively and that I held a lot of anger towards things that I could not control. You helped me to let go and realise that actually the world is what we make. That we can choose to see everything badly, or we can take the world for what it is and make something beautiful for ourselves. You helped me to see the beauty in the little things and for that I am so very grateful!! I think I will most definitely give the hot bath a try -I never really understood writers block until I was sat staring at my laptop screen for about an hour with no idea what I should write at all. And also like yourself, I love to write down on paper. I find it so much more satisfying than typing my thoughts and feelings. Alice, I truly cannot thank you enough, your reply has comforted me. It allowed me to see that I do relate to others. It showed me that other people think the same way. But most importantly I was so happy that you had found some comfort within my thread. You are absolutely right in realising that your self love is more important than filling the void with someone else just to temporarily stop the pain. I know the feeling. I think sometimes its so easy to find someone else just so you don't have to face yourself. Just so you don't have to feel as if you are facing the world alone. But one thing I have learned is just how important self love is. That actually to be truly happy it all starts within yourself. The saying "How do you expect someone to love you when you don't love yourself" always had me feeling so conflicted. I would always think that surely someone should love you the way you are and help you love yourself. But actually, falling completely and utterly in love with yourself is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Being single is the time to find yourself. Its the time to do all of the things you want to and visit the places you've always dreamed of. Its staying up late to watch that movie and having lazy days. Its going out to meet friends and not feeling as if you have to answer to anyone. Heartbreak sucks, there is no denying that. And you constantly sit and wonder if they are thinking of you or what they are doing or who they are with. But in all honesty, you deserve the absolute universe. You deserve to wake up every morning happy. You deserve to sit in absolute peace at night and gaze at the stars. I completely resonate with you in realising that love is not enough and I have only just realised that recently. And that also, words and promises really don't mean much to some. I think this is where you have to find the strength to come to terms with the fact that not everyone has the same heart as you. Your whole post really has inspired me and I really truly hope that you continue to find comfort within this thread and also within yourself. Because you will always, always be okay. My favourite thing to say is that the rain never truly lasts forever. Don't get me wrong, it often feels like monsoon season, but the rain will always pass. Nothing can hurt forever. I know it is so easier said than done, but find beauty in the little things. The person smiling like an idiot at their phone, the way the rain falls and how it smells, the beauty and silence of the night sky. You have a beautiful soul. Take the time to truly fall in love with yourself, and eventually when you do, it will set you free...
  8. I feel like its been somewhat forever. But in all honesty, it hasn't really been that long at all. I got to a good place, an amazing place actually. I was finally happy. I knew what I wanted to do career wise. I had a whole plan set out of how I was going to get there. It was the best feeling in the world to feel like I finally had my life sorted - It was about time. To plan out over the next five years how I would get there, even planning down to the simple things like who I would work for along the way. I had hopes to publish my first book. I was finally excited. Relief at last. But now I've been sat here for what seems like forever staring at a blank screen. Still facing the regular problem of not knowing how to put into words how I truly feel. Its a strange thing, the human mind. We can programme it to do wonderful things, or to completely destroy ourselves. We're always one decision away from a completely different life. The thought can be daunting, but it can also feel inspiring. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I've learned so much about the world recently, and I intend to continue doing so. To just learn as much about as many things as I can. To fill what sometimes feels like a void. I know that what and who we allow into our lives is predominantly self inflicted, but sometimes things just seem to happen by chance. That person that you weren't exactly looking for just shows up out of nowhere. I've learned now that not everyone who comes into your life is meant to stay. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us a lesson. But, that isn't a bad thing. Life is for lessons. Its to become the best version of yourself. I recently read a book called Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It teaches us that it's okay to break away from the normal. Its okay to better yourself even if it becomes a solo mission. It's okay to be different. It taught me that sometimes in order to achieve greatness, you must first remove the people who do not wish you to achieve greatness. Sometimes you have to leave the flock behind. Sometimes you have to pass through different lives alone. And if you're lucky enough, you might just meet likeminded individuals along the way. "Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding. Find out what you already know and you will see the way to fly." ~Richard Bach
  9. I will be completely honest, because I have found that lately this seems to help and so I will speak from the heart, no sugar coating anything. My boyfriend asked another girl to go home with him and on numerous occasions has messaged other girls behind my back. I know that I am a fool for taking him back and still staying with him but so foolishly I stayed because I loved him. And I know now that that isn't enough of an excuse to stay with someone. As I have been working on myself I feel like I have outgrown him. And I have realised that he does not offer the basic things in a relationship. I am not allowed to express my emotions at all or what has upset me without him going mad at me and getting angry. And I have come to learn that I cannot go on like that. And it kills me to admit that but I just can't do it any longer. To not be entitled to a basic right within a relationship does not feel right to me. I feel as if I am always the peacemaker. Even if it was something he was in the wrong for I feel as if I am the one who always has to apologise for things I haven't done. And in all honesty, its draining. I don't trust him, I don't feel safe with him at all and he's really been making me unhappy for some time. I know that you can't fit people into your box and make them what you want them to be - I know that - but I just feel like one of the basic things in a relationship is being able to talk about things with your partner. And it hurts that I am not able to do so. Because in all honesty, I love him, I love him more than anything but I think the time has come where I just need to love myself more and let go. I don't want it to end, of course I don't, but I'm just coming to the realisation that if I truly want to be happy, it has to be without this person. I never thought I'd say it, I really didn't because there was a time that I felt like I was falling in love with my best friend. There was a time I felt like I could never see my life without him. I don't want to hurt him, I love him. But I just don't feel valued as an equal in this relationship anymore and its taking some time to come to terms with and its killing me. I know there is bigger things to worry about in the world and you can throw around all the advice of love yourself more and don't be afraid to be alone. But lets be honest, it is a little easier said than done... I think the thing I'm dreading the most is waking up in the morning feeling sick and not being able to sleep at night wondering what if. And I know that I shouldn't. I know that the realistic thing to do would be to keep myself busy and do the things that I love. But its just hard to start with, and that's normal, right? I'm typing this with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, but I'm trying so hard not to let the tears fall, but maybe I should. Maybe I should embrace how I feel. But I'm just terrified to feel. I'm terrified that I will feel this way forever. I'm scared to see him with someone else when I've tried so hard to make him happy. I just want to run away from everything, and I know that I shouldn't. I know that is wrong. But is there even a right way to feel in this situation?! How do you let go? How do you let go so completely that their actions no longer bother you? What mindset do you have to stay in? How do you stop yourself from falling apart?
  10. Hi Batya, I'm sorry this has taken so long to reply but in all honesty your reply had me feeling a little conflicted. However, now I know how to reply. And to start with, I would like to take the time to thank you. I want to thank you for making me realise that I have been surrounding myself with the wrong people for a very long time. And in turn I really have judged society based on my bad experiences, and that was very wrong of me. I should have noticed that the habits I held onto and the people that I held onto affected me so negatively. And so it shaped the way I viewed the world. I know now what I have to do, I know that I need to step away from the negative people. I know that I need to break those negative cycles and rely on myself for my own happiness. This is hard to admit but it was so easy for me to view the world so negative when all I did was think so negative about everything. And the reason I have taken so long to reply to this way because I have been taking time to really get to know myself. And in a way, I've taken time to really get to know the world again. To find beauty in the simple things. To see someone smiling at their phone and find happiness in myself that others are happy around me. I know I probably shouldn't share such personal stuff on here but its really how I escape my own head. And I have been in a relationship with someone for a while now. He was the 'Mr Perfect' In my very earlier posts on this thread. But, he isn't so perfect after all. And I have been realising more and more just how toxic he is for me. To sit there and have my dreams absolutely crushed by him and to be told I should think 'realistically' and that I will never go anywhere in life. I know now that I no longer need that energy in my life. But I've only just realised this whilst I've been typing this reply. He flips out over the smallest things and blames me for absolutely everything. And I have just hit the realisation after he's just made me sob my heart out again that if I ever want to be happy in life, it has to be without this person. And I have been lying to myself for so long. I have been trying to mask how I truly feel and passing it off as happiness. But in all honesty I am not happy. I'm exhausted, I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. I feel so drained. I know now that someone who truly loves you supports your dreams. They don't try to crush them in front of you. They support you in believing that anything is possible if you want it bad enough. They accept blame when they are in the wrong and they not only apologise but they never do that to you again. But I will never have that with this person. And although that hurts to accept the truth, I know that he will not change his ways. And that is okay. He did not want to treat me right, and that is okay. I will hurt for a while and cry, that is also okay. But what wouldn't be okay is staying in a position where I am no longer valued or respected so I must leave. And that more than anything, seriously is okay.
  11. The name is ironic, right? "Not Alone"... But how is it that even when we are surrounded by people, in real life or on social media, we can still feel all alone...? I've had a lot to say, but I just haven't been able to put it into words. And I feel like sometimes that can get a little dangerous, keeping all of those feelings to yourself. But how do you even begin to express yourself when you cant even understand what it is that's going through your own head? You must know the feeling, right? People always ask questions, you know, the usual, "How are you?" "How have you been?", the questions that society tells them to ask. But no one ever really asks "Are you happy?" and thus I think this is why many of us fail to realise just how unhappy we really are. Because it isn't voiced to us. It doesn't naturally occur to us to question ourselves if we're actually happy or not. And when you finally do question yourself, it can hit like a tonne of bricks. Its suffocating, its overwhelming, it makes you feel trapped with no way out. And then things start to fall apart. I try to be a good person, believe me, I try... However, sometimes it feels as if it isn't enough. Kinda like you're just being taken for granted. You must be familiar with that at some point in your life? To feel like no matter what you do or how hard you try, it just doesn't seem like its enough. And its exhausting, its draining and eventually it starts to make you question your own worth. Then the self sabotaging starts. "Am I good enough?" "Is it me?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Why am I like this?". I know that I have mentioned this a thousand times in this blog and it probably seems as if I never have anything positive to say, but I am so sick and so tired of this society. I wish I was born 80 years ago so that by now I'd be seeing my way out of the world. And I know that it is very wrong to wish your life away like that. But what real life is this anyway? This isn't real life, people are more bothered about how many likes they get on a photo. Or how many followers they have. Nothing is real anymore. How can you possibly be positive in a world that criticizes and judges every single thing that we do? True love, what happened to that? What happened to actual dates and asking for parents blessing? What happened to staying loyal to the very end? I'm an old soul. I was born in the wrong generation. And I am grateful for my life, believe me I am, life is a blessing. But this world, this world we live in is wrong. Its all so so wrong. Sometimes it feels as if I'm the only one in my generation who feels this way. For those of you wondering, I'm 22, but my mind feels way older than that. Sometimes I feel as if that is a bad thing, because I crave the things that no longer exist. I crave the world that has long been forgotten and replaced with this newer technology riddled mess. But in reality, how does an old soul ever survive in this suffocating mess?
  12. It's just me and the stars tonight... A beautiful silence and the eternal darkness of the night. My heart is calm. It feels like home...
  13. "Maybe we'll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds are less hectic, and I'll be right for you and you'll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart..."
  14. I don’t know how I feel, nothing has really changed. I just know I’ve massively lost motivation for most things lately. Including university. Which isn’t exactly good at all. But I really can’t help it. I’ve just recently taken on a normal job, which no longer means I’m a dancer. I’m finding adapting a little hard just recently, I think I just mainly miss the freedom of being self employed and doing whatever I wanted in a day, whenever I wanted to do it. So this normal life is proving to be a little bit of a challenge recently. But I needed routine, I needed change and security. So it came in handy I guess, but sitting in an office for nine hours a day, 7 days a week is quite close to driving me clinically insane. I shouldn’t sound so ungrateful though, I know how hard it is to find a job nowadays, so I guess I am lucky I do have an income. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, I just felt like I needed to get out a little what I was feeling, even if it was just all random nonsense. I’m not really sure on much lately, I seem very indecisive. Its hard to deal with in my own head. But then its equally hard to just emotionally switch myself off from it like I usually manage quite well. I guess in a nutshell I’m just kinda sick of this world. I’m sick of people being ugly to each other. I’m sick of this common day society, this image of how we should all be. And the sick thing is that everyone follows it. Its all so conditioned. I wasn’t meant for these times. I don’t follow these ridiculous trends, I think the Kardashian’s are vain idiots. Like there’s real problems in this world, ice caps are melting, there’s war out in Syria, the UK economy is falling apart, but people are more focused on the fact Kourtney Kardashian got cheated on for the thousandth time. They’re just normal people and it irritates me that these young girls envy them so much that they know no limits to become exactly like them. It’s ridiculous. Honestly, I can’t emphasise enough that society is well and truly ruined. People are more bothered about likes on social media than they are their partners. People who would rather take a photo of themselves holding the hand of a person on their deathbed just to upload it and attention seek for likes, it’s disgusting and disrespectful. I want to get off this world, when’s the next stop?
  15. It's been what seems like forever since I last posted on here. But if I'm completely honest I have no idea how I feel lately. I feel so lost, like I'm stuck in some dead end. My heart is tired. I'm sick of people involving themselves in my relationship. I'm sick of feeling like I should have some sort of competition. But most of all, I miss me. I miss who I was. I miss not caring about stupid stuff. I miss knowing that no matter what I'm fine. I miss knowing that a bad day could never really be a bad day. More and more I just find myself searching for the stars in the dark. But I just can't seem to find them. My heart feels heavy- lost. I'm really struggling to even know what to say, usually I can ramble for ages. But not now. My mind is silent, but honestly the silence seems to get louder and louder.
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