How much does appearance matter?

[indea08]

If your SO has let themselves become something they KNOW you find unattractive, what actions are fair for you to take?

 

Example: your clean cut, white collared, professional looking husband has decided to grow an 8-month long beard and you HATE beards (and he knows this). At what point do you say "I no longer find you attractive"?

 

**All other aspects of the relationship are wonderful, and he knows I HATE the beard.

[mustlovedogs]

Have you asked him why he keeps the beard?

[indea08]

Have you asked him why he keeps the beard?

 

Because "I've never had it this long" and "all my guy friends think it's awesome".

 

And yet I find it repulsive and he doesn't care.

[mustlovedogs]

Guys, in my experience, are strangely protective of facial hair.

 

I guess I would ask him why he wants to keep it when you find it so repulsive.

 

And, as petty as this is, do it pseudo in return... if you are normally shaved or well trimmed, for instance, try letting that grow out too. I know it's petty, but it could show a point.

[indea08]

I've already tried that. For as long as I could stand it. I like being clean cut and professional myself (I'm an RN). But I couldn't take it for as long as he has. I want to look my best all the time. Whether to further my profession or represent myself at dinner.

 

I can't stand this beard.

[Applewhite]

I love my bf's beard, but if he grew it out for 8 months words would be exchanged! If his guy friends think it's so cool he can always keep the beard and bone them instead

[Capricorn3]

I'm afraid I can't relate. I don't like the clean shaven look and I actually asked my husband to grow a mustache, or a beard .. just ANY facial hair. He did and has never shaved it off since, lol.

 

That said, I do feel your pain when you mentioned an 8 month growth. Ugh. Yes, that really is gross and I would hate it too. A neatly trimmed and well kept beard/facial hair is one thing, but long, unkempt is seriously gross. Not sure how you can deal with this because you have told him how you feel but he doesn't see the need to change. Hopefully he'll come round and shave it off. Good luck.

[RainyCoast]

yikes, 8 months

 

well. it is a test of how much you love him from here on lol.

 

tbh, if i loved loved loved someone, i wouldn't nag. i mean at some point if they ended up disfigured, grew an extra head and a tail or warts all over you'd think them the bees knees. i can see why this is different though. it's something he can help, and is reminiscent of self-neglect and that's the unattractive part, imo.

 

the huge beards trend, ugh. why is it a trend. and the man buns. please men, please, staaahp. and the supertight pants that seem to give them a whole new version of a camel toe. dear lord. all the "hot bloggers and instagramers" sport them i hear, and i just don't get it. they're right there with the "i don't shave my armpits and i don't believe in soap" naturalista gals to me. no offense to ladies who feel strongly for that kind of lifestyle, but some of us will just never warm up to it.

 

maybe hope he'll grow out of the phase. grow. out. sorry about that unintended pun lol.

pretty sure his beard will last as long as the trend does. come to think about it, men have put up with many unattractive trends women were very passionate about.

[shiner501]

Confront your demons. You tell him! You tell him in a kind, calm and civilized way that you do not like his beard and find it very unattractive. You do not like it on your face, maybe even that you no longer want it n your face if he cuddles close. You are not being shallow but you dislike it to the extent that you find HIM unattractive with it and this risks your ongoing relationship unless he does something about it. You can't stall these issues - you have you tell him. How can he do something about it if he doesn't know the extent of your dislike?

 

Now,having said that, be prepared for him saying back to YOU things HE doesn't like. That perfume, those jeans, that nail color, he prefers you in the underwear you used to wear, etc.

[lucidious]

Just tell him hey I think you look better without the beard. But he shouldn't have to change it if he don't want to. Guys are funny about their hair/facial hair. I kind of have a similar situation with my bf rn. I think he looks more handsome when he grows his hair out, but he went Britney and shaved his head just try to compliment him now and say awwww look your hairs growing out in hopes he won't cut his hair for awhile Lolz

[j.man]

Sometimes we realize our youth license is expiring and decide to do stuff like that. Guys are also a bit more restricted when it comes to aesthetic expression at work, so if we catch ourselves in a position to grow our hair or beard out, we might.

 

My girlfriend hates long hair but I really had a strong urge to grow it out while I still had a full head. She lamented but dealt with it fine. After about a year and a half, I chopped it off.

 

Now personally, after the army I vowed to never clean shave for anything other than funerals and interviews again, but I've had no desire to go all Duck Dynasty or hipster beard.

 

You're welcome to tell him the beard makes you unattracted to him. If he can deal with not as many kisses or as much sex until he gets over the beard, then that's kinda that. Unless he's being unhygienic about it, I'm not sure you've got any place really continuing to complain to him about it.

 

How long have you two been together?

[sazain36]

I prefer facial hair, but I see your point. Why keep it if he knows you hate it? Could it be he's trying to get back at for something? If he is it's a stubborn way of doing it, but people are strange. Anyway, often in my experience men have done things to their appearance specifically because they knew I loved it which, in turn, made me us both feel great and desired. However, being that his friends love it, sounds to me that he's more insecure around them than you, which isn't necessarily bad, but I still see your point. If he's more concerned about what they think than what you think, they may have more influence on him than you and I don't know that I would trust his decisions when they were around. He sounds like a 'good ol' boy', to immature to realize what's right in front of him.

[Moontiger]

Be direct and calm, "Sweetie, I love you. But I hate that beard. I find it unattractive." Don't nag on it or yell or be passive aggressive (I'm not saying you have been). Just be clear, calm, and direct. I'm assuming you don't like the feel of the beard when kissing. You can, the next time he goes in for a long kiss pull away and say "I hate the feeling of a beard when I kiss." Again, calm, clear, direct.

 

He will eventually get bored of it and shave.

 

 

EDIT: This is a totally different situation but I just thought I would throw it out there. In general my boyfriend doesn't like button up shirt much. But I think he looks great in them! We've been dating a year and a half and the few times I saw him in a button up I made a big deal about how good he looked like saying things like, "Um, ok, now I don't want to leave the house! *wink wink*"

 

He has started wearing them slightly more often now! I haven't pointed that out to him just continue to sing his praises when he does wear them. Good old fashioned positive re-enforcement!

[j.man]

I prefer facial hair, but I see your point. Why keep it if he knows you hate it? Could it be he's trying to get back at for something? If he is it's a stubborn way of doing it, but people are strange. Anyway, often in my experience men have done things to their appearance specifically because they knew I loved it which, in turn, made me us both feel great and desired. However, being that his friends love it, sounds to me that he's more insecure around them than you, which isn't necessarily bad, but I still see your point. If he's more concerned about what they think than what you think, they may have more influence on him than you and I don't know that I would trust his decisions when they were around. He sounds like a 'good ol' boy', to immature to realize what's right in front of him.

Oh boy.

 

There's no reason in the world for the OP to take it personally in any way. He's not doing it to get back at you. He's not doing it simply to impress his friends. He's doing it because he wants to do it. And it's certainly not that he doesn't "realize what's right in front of him." Quite the contrary, he's comfortable enough with you to feel he can change his appearance and give this a shot and you'll still dig him for him.

 

I think it'd be very interesting to see how people would react if the scripts were flipped and the boyfriend was lamenting the OP changing her appearance in a way he didn't like. My girlfriend knows I don't like short hair on women. She's always wanted to try a short haircut. She brought it up, I told her to go for it. Yeah, I was less attracted to her, but it was much more important to me that she do something she's wanted to do. I honestly never even thought to consider her having done it in spite of me in any way. I wouldn't ever date anyone expecting they'd maintain the same appearance for however many years or that they'd never try something new with their body / hair.

 

The only fair question I think you could ask is if he plans on keeping the beard for good. I can understand the apprehension if you're looking at a more permanent basis. But I think you'd get further giving him some license to enjoy his novelty for some period of time and not complaining than you would nagging or being negative about it.

[reinventmyself]

Would he still be attracted to you if you cut your hair to one inch long? ( it's a cute look by the way) Most men prefer long hair.

Relationships are about compromise and I'd like to know that despite my choices, that I remain attractive to my man without feeling constricted.

 

I love facial hair but 8 inches would be too much for me too.

 

Would he be willing to trim it up some? Or maybe a time limit.

Come summer he'll make change?

 

I snickered when he commented his friends like it, but he's not going home with them is he?

[mustlovedogs]

I feel like he's doing his more out of stubbornness. If you had had a fight about the laundry recently, for instance, he may be holding out just to spite you (if even subconsciously).

 

My ex used to grow this weird awkward patchy beard. It wasn't full and it made him look like a scruffy homeless peach. It also grew it red where he was more blonde. I couldn't tell him how I thought the beard was scruffy... but I would tell him "your gingery beard is so cute!"

 

He HATED that it grew in red, so whenever I said that it was shaved within a day. Haha.

 

One day while you're intimate in some way, maybe tell him (in a confident, upbeat voice) that he's starting to look like the duck dynasty guys or ZZ Top or an older man or something he *may not* be overly complimented by. You'll spin it as a compliment, though, so it won't feel naggy.

 

It may not work, who knows!

[itsallgrand]

I'm of the ' their body, their choice' mindset. I wasn't thrilled with my partners choice for another tattoo. I'd had rather he didn't get it ( this was a while ago, but a good example I think, because it's not like hair that can grow back or be shaved). He knows how I feel about it, knows I prefer very minimal adornments , but he went ahead anyway. It's not personal, and he knows I'm still going to love him anyway. I might tease him, and he might tease me, but that's as far as it goes and it's always with consideration for how the other person feels.

 

Basically I don't think there are actions to take. I know couples who make deals - he stays clean shaven while she has long hair etc. Not for me but it's an idea.

[itsallgrand]

Lol homeless peach

[Wiseman2]

I would not globalize it to "I find you unattractive" and simply say 'you're much sexier clean shaven'. Is he going for a hipster look? Have you asked him what's up with the beard?

 

Why make simple things over complicated? Unless there's more going on than a beard?

Example: your clean cut, white collared, professional looking husband has decided to grow an 8-month long beard and you HATE beards (and he knows this). At what point do you say "I no longer find you attractive"?