Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?

[Applewhite]

Of course he responds positively, because he is in CONTROL and conversely he will get angry and resistant when he is not in control, as in not his idea.

 

 

 

Up until this came to light, I was all for giving him the benefit of the doubt as just an energetic guy who always needs something going on - tv, music, games, etc. Some people are simply like that and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

However, after reading the above.......guy is passive aggressive and flips to full on aggressive when he doesn't get his way. Unfortunately, I think you are in denial about it and willing to tolerate that for whatever reason when you should be running away fast. You just do not continue to stay with someone who will deliberately put your life in danger in a fit of rage. That's not a "tantrum" that's full on dangerous aggression. As others have pointed out, your relationship circles a lot around pleasing him and doing what he wants.

 

As for you feeling disconnected, now it makes sense. You ARE disconnect and it's not about tv shows or finding something in common. Someone that passive aggressive and insecure has deep deep issues and part of those issues isn't just control but deliberately pushing you away emotionally. Push and pull to be exact. He will pull you in with some nice gestures and then deliberately distance and put up walls. Look out, because that kind of a relationship will spiral downwards. His walls will not come down, but become worse and worse and more confusing for you. He wants you around, but not too close and it will continue to be punishing, confusing and empty for you. Keep in mind that he is happy with who he is and he is getting exactly the dynamic that he wants. It's you who aren't and won't.

 

I hope you come back to this thread, read it and rethink things, aka dump him, but I'm guessing that you will learn some hard and painful lessons first before you decide to let go.

Dont worry despite me discussing all of the other issues in greater legnth, that one behavior is at the top of my list. The reason there isnt anything to discuss is that if it ever happens a second time, i am done. I will also explain this to him too at some point.

 

What is keeping me is that i also see him compromising understanding and really listening to me and wanting to do whata best for me even when he doesnt prefer it or it hurts him. despite his strong stance about me moving and his loss of temper at the end of the day when all was said and done, he was here for me, packing, ready do disassemble, reassemble, move all my furniture etc. We also had a deep conversation about how part of his anger came from his current circumstances, not being able to provide for me etc (as in he doesnt own a house can't immediately put a ring on my finger etc) . Dont worry a second violent incodent will surely not be tolerated. It will be the end of it. I mean it.

 

I really do think it happened because of the life circumstances he/we were in. If im wrong, i will admit it and end it.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Tonight we will go grecery shopping together, cook together (all his ideas) and probably watch the o.a. all of which makes me rrally happy. I just have to find the apple tv remote now time to tear the couch apart.

[DancingFool]

I get that you are not ready to let him go at this point. Personally, I think his behavior driving comes under the same heading as someone hitting you. You walk away the first time it happens and it really doesn't matter why. There are no excuses for that ever.

 

Anyway, I'm glad that it is stuck in the back of your mind and that you have pledged to yourself that if that happens again you are out. I think the other part you need to keep in mind that these kinds of things, the push pull works on a cycle. As in he will do things to please you if he thinks you might walk and once comfortable he will push away again. Do keep that aspect in mind too. Don't get caught up and hooked on the nice part of the cycle. Also, if you become aware that there is a cycle, how long before you'll walk. What if next time the goes nuts is a year from now and you do have that ring on your finger and the wedding is three weeks away? Will you have the strength to walk then? Things to think about it while it's still early going.

[Applewhite]

Thank you. That is a really good point in terms of the cycle and the cycle legnth. I do understand what you are saying. And i will think about this a lot. (I already have been)

 

Am i just kidding myself that that is an isolated incident? I really hope not.

 

So today he wanted to "shop for the week" together and he said he would like to come over 2-3 times a week to cook and eat with me.

 

He also completely cleaned my whole kitchen/fridge everything said he wants me/us to start the year fresh. Kind of excessive detail but i do appreciate all of his effort.

 

He is still cleaning as i type this. I keep telling him pelase take a break....now its like the phone games etc have been replaced by him cleaning my kitchen 😅😑

 

But maybe now im just complaining to complain.

 

I just want to cuddle and talk and watch the o.a. like we said.

[Wiseman2]

Yikes! At 5 mos in he's using these lines on you? Run! Sadly, another case of trying to turn peter pan into prince charming. part of his anger came from his current circumstances, not being able to immediately put a ring on my finger etc.

[Applewhite]

So yesterday M and I went "grocery shopping for the week" together. He also cleaned my whole kitchen (his idea) and he wants to come and cook tomorrow

 

We watched 2 eopisodes of the O.A. and enjoyed our evening together

[Ms Darcy]

What is the OA again?

[Applewhite]

What is the OA again?

It is this new show on Netflix that we chose to watch together instead of him watching his own stuff and me being bored

[Naomi99]

I didn't have time to read all of the posts, but do you two work out? I've found that working out together can be a shared activity that branches off to many other activities (hiking or biking, spin or at the gym.) Then by the time you get home, you shower together, which is really fun, famished by the time you're done, throw on PJs and make a meal together. At the end of the day, you'll actually want to lie down, cuddle and watch TV together.

 

Also packing up both of your laptops and heading to the nearest cafe can be fun too. You're in a different surrounding, working next to each other, maybe sharing a pastry. It's all good…you just have to make an effort to find common ground the two of you appreciate, then magnify it.

[Applewhite]

I didn't have time to read all of the posts, but do you two work out? I've found that working out together can be a shared activity that branches off to many other activities (hiking or biking, spin or at the gym.) Then by the time you get home, you shower together, which is really fun, famished by the time you're done, throw on PJs and make a meal together. At the end of the day, you'll actually want to lie down, cuddle and watch TV together.

 

Also packing up both of your laptops and heading to the nearest cafe can be fun too. You're in a different surrounding, working next to each other, maybe sharing a pastry. It's all good…you just have to make an effort to find common ground the two of you appreciate, then magnify it.

 

Hi Naomi!

 

We tried that a few months back but it just didn't seem to work with schedules/locations. Perhaps when the weather is warmer we can do some of that stuff outside on the weekends. Right now a gym schedule may not work or us.

 

He is coming over tonight to cook dinner with me It feels so domestic

[abitbroken]

 

As a final note this is not a general relationship issue but more contained in relation to spending free time together. He is very attentive from a general perspective. He will do very nice things for me like help me with chores if I am overwhelmed, take me out, assemble furniture for me, help me with anything if I need him emotionally or otherwise. The usual attentive boyfriend stuff. I trust him and have no doubts about his attraction, interest, commitment to me.

 

When you are together for a little while and past the initial thrill of the chase, curling up together to watch tv is rather nice. The difference is that you look at it as time he is not paying attention to you. With my guy, the times we unwind and watch tv together are nice. We have different schedules, so that only happens once a week, MAYBE twice tops, but one of those times we are specifically having a movie night.

 

I think instead of announcing THE TELEVISION IS OFF, either enjoy it for what it is - take it as a chance to hold him close and maybe even occasionally discuss the show, etc., or initiate other activities instead - like watching a dvd of a movie you have both been wanting to see, going to a movie, taking a walk, showing him old photos or laughing at an old home movie, etc.

 

If he is very attentive towards you, but in the evening unwinds a little with a favorite show and you have trouble with that - what will you do if you marry, are home with him every single night and you want to read a book, if he is not lively and ready to entertain you every night? Folding laundry, making lunch for work the next day are mundane things that end up being done instead of a date.

 

Dont worry despite me discussing all of the other issues in greater legnth, that one behavior is at the top of my list. The reason there isnt anything to discuss is that if it ever happens a second time, i am done. I will also explain this to him too at some point.

 

What is keeping me is that i also see him compromising understanding and really listening to me and wanting to do whata best for me even when he doesnt prefer it or it hurts him. despite his strong stance about me moving and his loss of temper at the end of the day when all was said and done, he was here for me, packing, ready do disassemble, reassemble, move all my furniture etc. We also had a deep conversation about how part of his anger came from his current circumstances, not being able to provide for me etc (as in he doesnt own a house can't immediately put a ring on my finger etc) . Dont worry a second violent incodent will surely not be tolerated. It will be the end of it. I mean it.

 

I really do think it happened because of the life circumstances he/we were in. If im wrong, i will admit it and end it.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Tonight we will go grecery shopping together, cook together (all his ideas) and probably watch the o.a. all of which makes me rrally happy. I just have to find the apple tv remote now time to tear the couch apart.

 

If he really was violent then I would really reassess this situation. If you mean he was just mad and raised his voice - that's different than hitting you, coming after you, etc, but still--- if he raised his voice and then realized immediately he was wrong, etc - just keep your eyes wide open.

 

Also, he SHOULD NOT provide for you in any way. You are his 5 month girlfriend. He should only provide for himself, and then contribute to dates, etc.

[j.man]

What is the OA again?

A show that upsets me so much. It's one of those shows that you know would be awesome if you didn't have to down half a bottle of Ritalin to make it through an episode. I like the premise and quite a few of the actors. The pacing is atrocious, though.

[Applewhite]

5 months in I still feel so head over heels in love.

 

I had the "serious discussion" with him about the agressive driving incident. Im not quite sure if it went well or not.

[Fudgie]

What was the "serious discussion" exactly and how did it go over?

[Illinoising]

Look. Let the man enjoy his hobbies. At least he isn't running the bars or out all the time. Read a book. Crotchet a hat. Play with your pet. Watch a movie in the other room. Cook up something good. Go for a walk. Don't belittle him about his XBox. I love playing XBox. And I love Nintendo Legend of Zelda series. They are truly friggin awesome and you ought to try it. You sound needy and annoying. Leave him alone or find yourself alone.

[katrina1980]

Look. Let the man enjoy his hobbies. At least he isn't running the bars or out all the time. Read a book. Crotchet a hat. Play with your pet. Watch a movie in the other room. Cook up something good. Go for a walk. Don't belittle him about his XBox. I love playing XBox. And I love Nintendo Legend of Zelda series. They are truly friggin awesome and you ought to try it. You sound needy and annoying.

 

---

 

 

*** Leave him alone or find yourself alone.

 

I echo this.^

 

I am sure catfeeder won't mind if I quote her signature line, it's one of my favorites!

 

"Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone."

[lostandhurt]

First off. If it doesn't work out with him will you marry me???

 

A great many guys get lost and simply do not understand what it takes to make a great relationship. There are a ton of guys like I used to be that did all the Nuts and Bolts of being in a relationship like sex, building stuff, fixing stuff, protector, comic, dinner dates, movie dates..... But when it comes to the nuance's of being in a relationship we fall flat on our face.

 

This is where you both build the relationship by talking about what you like and most importantly don't like. For example:

 

Have you told him how often you would like to have sex?

Do you know if he likes it when you initiate?

Do you know the names of the games he likes? Sports teams?

Does he know special things about you? Favorite color, food, ice cream, season.....

 

Great relationships are built by both people and don't just happen despite what we all see in the movies.

 

I read all of this thread so here are some answers to questions you asked.

 

Yes there are guys of all ages that want sex more than once a night. I am 52 and can go 3 times a night and would love to but it isn't a requirement.

He sounds like a good guy that needs help finding his groove in this relationship so please don't be offended by his actions/ in actions.

Dump the cable but explain to him you never watch when he isn't there but there are plenty of internet services you can get that will suffice.

 

Things to do together at home:

-Cook dinner. Find a recipe you both think is yummy, go shopping for the ingredients and make it together. It is a challenge and fun. Open a bottle of wine and make an evening of it.

-Build a puzzle while listening to music.

-Board games that make you think can be fun. Backgammon, chess, Scrabble....

-Sex related board games or bedroom games.

I think you get where I am coming from right?

 

The things he is doing is because 1. He likes them and 2. He doesn't know what else to do.

 

This it totally fixable but he has to agree to get out of his comfort zone and you need to agree to be a little more comfortable having a chill evening.

 

Lost

[Applewhite]

What was the "serious discussion" exactly and how did it go over?

The serious talk was about the aggressive driving. So i brought up , now long after the incident, that if he ever does that again it's unacceptable implyong i would walk.

 

On one hand he said yes, he understands, it will never happen again but on the other he joked about "will i promise i wont *make him angry*" - even as a joke its really inappropriate to say within context.

[Fudgie]

I agree that it's inappropriate for him to joke about that. He's an adult and he's responsible for his own reactions. It's not on you (or anyone else) to control his actions.

[Applewhite]

There isn't a doubt in my mind about my feelings for him or his feelings for me. I am just continually evaluating whether we can make each other happy (and safe). I don't want to lose sight of that just because we have intense feelings toward one another.

 

When he comes here now we mostly watch the oa, and cook. He still plays on his phone and browses other channels but much less now. I can live with that. And whem he is going to do either i just walk away amd do something else. Then when im back he's all over me. i just hope he doesn't resent the new status quo, not that i have observed any signs he does.

[katrina1980]

There isn't a doubt in my mind about my feelings for him or his feelings for me. I am just continually evaluating whether we can make each other happy (and safe). I don't want to lose sight of that just because we have intense feelings toward one another.

 

When he comes here now we mostly watch the oa, and cook. He still plays on his phone and browses other channels but much less now. I can live with that. And whem he is going to do either i just walk away amd do something else. Then when im back he's all over me. i just hope he doesn't resent the new status quo, not that i have observed any signs he does.

 

Well the fact he is "all over you" after leaving him alone is a pretty clear indication that he doesn't "resent" you.

 

And actually confirms what I have been saying all along, specifically in my last post (#190) and the quote I copied from catfeeder.

[Sportster2005]

You're not a good match. It doesn't matter what we think of his behaviour.

[Applewhite]

First off. If it doesn't work out with him will you marry me???

 

A great many guys get lost and simply do not understand what it takes to make a great relationship. There are a ton of guys like I used to be that did all the Nuts and Bolts of being in a relationship like sex, building stuff, fixing stuff, protector, comic, dinner dates, movie dates..... But when it comes to the nuance's of being in a relationship we fall flat on our face.

 

This is where you both build the relationship by talking about what you like and most importantly don't like. For example:

 

Have you told him how often you would like to have sex?

Do you know if he likes it when you initiate?

Do you know the names of the games he likes? Sports teams?

Does he know special things about you? Favorite color, food, ice cream, season.....

 

Great relationships are built by both people and don't just happen despite what we all see in the movies.

 

I read all of this thread so here are some answers to questions you asked.

 

Yes there are guys of all ages that want sex more than once a night. I am 52 and can go 3 times a night and would love to but it isn't a requirement.

He sounds like a good guy that needs help finding his groove in this relationship so please don't be offended by his actions/ in actions.

Dump the cable but explain to him you never watch when he isn't there but there are plenty of internet services you can get that will suffice.

 

Things to do together at home:

-Cook dinner. Find a recipe you both think is yummy, go shopping for the ingredients and make it together. It is a challenge and fun. Open a bottle of wine and make an evening of it.

-Build a puzzle while listening to music.

-Board games that make you think can be fun. Backgammon, chess, Scrabble....

-Sex related board games or bedroom games.

I think you get where I am coming from right?

 

The things he is doing is because 1. He likes them and 2. He doesn't know what else to do.

 

This it totally fixable but he has to agree to get out of his comfort zone and you need to agree to be a little more comfortable having a chill evening.

 

Lost

 

Sorry I didn't mean to ignore you. I only just saw this post for some reason.

 

Have I told him how often I'd like to have sex? No. I'm pretty certain that my sex drive is higher than him (or anyone for that matter). I feel kind of insecure about that so it's not something I feel comfortable bring up - but even if I did I don't know how there could be a resolution to this. It will just sound like I am complaining.

 

Does he like when I initiate? I don't know. There has been at least one time where I hinted and was turned down so if I initiate, it's rare and subtle. I am in my early 30's. Maybe my hormones will calm down...

 

I hate sports. There cannot be a compromise on this beyond he gets to watch Football during Football season- with or without me there.

 

Of the things to do at home - we do most of them (maybe not the sex boardgames one! What did you have in mind exactly?)

 

So far he has been very accommodating and responsive to my request. I think things have improved drastically.

 

One thing we do now is get a bit high and make a game out of asking each other pretty intense questions - but in a fun and challenging way. We are playing that tonight! So I can ask if he likes when I initiate sex I guess

 

So what have I done to deserve your marriage proposal?

[Applewhite]

You're not a good match. It doesn't matter what we think of his behaviour.

 

How are you so sure about that, especially in light of me posting how things have improved once I explained to him how I felt about our free time and how it is spent?

[Sportster2005]

How are you so sure about that, especially in light of me posting how things have improved once I explained to him how I felt about our free time and how it is spent?

 

Because you asked him to change. He didn't change because he wants to. He will slip back into hold habits. It will be slow and subtle. You'll mention it again. He may do it, he may tell you to stop nagging him. Whatever you settle for at the beginning you end up with in the end.

 

I may be dead wrong. You spend your money, and you take your chances, as they say.

[Applewhite]

Because you asked him to change. He didn't change because he wants to. He will slip back into hold habits. It will be slow and subtle. You'll mention it again. He may do it, he may tell you to stop nagging him. Whatever you settle for at the beginning you end up with in the end.

 

I may be dead wrong. You spend your money, and you take your chances, as they say.

 

Is watching Show A instead of Show B on Tv really changing? When we include someone in our lives all of us change a little bit, no? We sleep on the left side of the bed instead of the middle, we put the dishes away more quickly than we would, we try to keep our farts in the bathroom.

 

I get you can't change major things about yourself like becoming an extrovert instead of introvert, not smoking if you smoke, but watching show A instead of show B is trivial. If we make NO changes we would all be single.