Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?

[Fudgie]

I'm sorry this is going on. I need a little more information: who are these women? Past exes? Friends? Random folks? Porn stars? How is he saving them to his phone? Does he browse Facebook and save them for later "use"? Are they from porn sites?

 

How did you find out about these pictures? Did he tell/show you himself? Did you find out by accident while using his phone with his permission? Did you snoop?

 

 

I'm sorry you're upset. Just to be clear, you're okay with looking but not saving? I could see a couple reasons why someone may want to save the pictures but it doesn't mean more than looking. Ease of access (bookmarks on mobile can be annoying) or maybe he doesn't want to run up his data bill by accessing the web for the same photos again and again.

 

My boyfriend saves things from xxx sites that he likes. Always has, always will. He says he doesn't want to like something and then not be able to find it again because the content changes a lot. I call it his "catalog". He has a separate external hard drive just for that purpose and I'm a little embarrassed to say how many GBs it holds, it's a lot (he's been "collecting" since start of college). He hasn't even SEEN all of it! He will say "Oh this looks interesting" and then save for later and then still not see it years later. It's kind of dorky.

[Applewhite]

I'm sorry this is going on. I need a little more information: who are these women? Past exes? Friends? Random folks? Porn stars? How is he saving them to his phone? Does he browse Facebook and save them for later "use"? Are they from porn sites?

 

How did you find out about these pictures? Did he tell/show you himself? Did you find out by accident while using his phone with his permission? Did you snoop?

 

 

I'm sorry you're upset. Just to be clear, you're okay with looking but not saving? I could see a couple reasons why someone may want to save the pictures but it doesn't mean more than looking. Ease of access (bookmarks on mobile can be annoying) or maybe he doesn't want to run up his data bill by accessing the web for the same photos again and again.

 

My boyfriend saves things from xxx sites that he likes. Always has, always will. He says he doesn't want to like something and then not be able to find it again because the content changes a lot. I call it his "catalog". He has a separate external hard drive just for that purpose and I'm a little embarrassed to say how many GBs it holds, it's a lot (he's been "collecting" since start of college). He hasn't even SEEN all of it! He will say "Oh this looks interesting" and then save for later and then still not see it years later. It's kind of dorky.

I do not know the full list if where he gets them. Reddit is one for sure or based on what he says. Instagram could easily be another maybe even FB idk.

 

They all seem semi professional, semi celebrity models etc. He called lastnights one a fitness something ot other. Basically it was like a swimsuit model.

 

Saving them bothers me way more than looking. But the idea that his Instagram page is full of them etc isn't super comforting either. He isnt 18, why save them? He is almosy always on wifi anyway.

 

I didnt snoop the first time i saw he was sjowing me something on his phone about his dog and i saw them amd aaked him to navigate to it. In his defense he saves other random pics too aLOTof them but it still hurts/bothers me.

 

I didn't dwell on it very long but my discomfort and disappointment that time waa very obviously stated. Today i asked to see pics he saved. When we got to oneof those he tried to go by it quick and "distract me" with talking a lot on the other ones. This angered me a LOT. Basically he knows it bothers me but then he still does it.

[Fudgie]

I think it's interesting that you are okay with looking but saving. I mean, it's okay to have that boundary and all but to me, it seems like just a slightly different way of doing the same thing. Result is the same, no? Him looking at the same pictures, just one way pulls data every time and the other way does not. What exactly about saving makes it more upsetting to you? Do you see it as more intimate or more involved than just looking?

 

It's clear to him that it bothers you but it sounds like he doesn't care and intends to keep doing it anyway.

 

Is this a dealbreaker to you?

[Applewhite]

I think it's interesting that you are okay with looking but saving. I mean, it's okay to have that boundary and all but to me, it seems like just a slightly different way of doing the same thing. Result is the same, no? Him looking at the same pictures, just one way pulls data every time and the other way does not. What exactly about saving makes it more upsetting to you? Do you see it as more intimate or more involved than just looking?

 

It's clear to him that it bothers you but it sounds like he doesn't care and intends to keep doing it anyway.

 

Is this a dealbreaker to you?

 

Yes, that would absolutely be a dealbreaker. 100%. He said he is "sorry" and when I said why, he said not because of anything I did. In the morning he was trying to all avoid the issue and being fake with I love you etc. I said actions not words and left.

 

Listen I look at porn everyday. Literally. So I don't care that he looks at a picture or whatever. But why even have the need to look at it again and again? Why save it? Why save it *despite* knowing it hurts me? And what he saves isn't even porn exactly. I don't think he even watches porn - definitely not as regularly as I do. But here is the difference even when I watch porn, I end up thinking of him and concentrate on my memory of him instead of the porn. I am more turned on by him.

 

I am realizing that I am ready to make any compromise from small to big to make him happy - watch shows regularly that I have no interest for, pay for cable (he didn't insist or even suggest, I just knew he would be happy so I did it), include his preferences in my decision making whether to move (that's pretty big). He - as you kinda pointed out too - isn't even willing to make small compromises:

 

don't walk on my carpet with your sneakers

turn off tv when we are sleeping

saving photos of women on your phone upsets me

 

I was literally so upset that I couldn't sleep at night - and the tv was on too.

In the morning he is all fake happy new year I love you etc while clearly knowing I am upset. It's just annoying when he ignores my feelings or minimizes it (like trying to pass over the pic quickly when we were looking and talking over it/me)

 

I left without I love you and without many words exchanged.

 

Another disturbing thing: last night we had "sex" he couldn't stay hard maybe bc of alcohol, maybe bc I don't look like his swimsuit model. After the "sex" he asks me do I feel better now? Really?

 

He gave me this necklace for xmas and asked me to wear it all the time. Right now if feels like a chain around my neck. I wear this thing remembering him all the time while he is off saving swimsuit models on his phone all day. Seriously?

 

I am taking off this necklace right now. And reevaluating everything right now.

[Fudgie]

I do think you've been very accommodating towards him but you are not getting the same in return. Not taking off his shoes in your own home? Really? That's a pet peeve of mine too. I have a strict "no shoe" rule in my apartment and my SO/friends know to take their shoes off on the mat as soon as they get in.

 

You've been very accommodating: you didn't move away, you got cable that you don't even use, etc. And he won't even turn off the TV knowing you don't like it as you're sleeping? Really?

 

I would be really upset too.

 

Please don't take the sex mishap as him not being attracted to you. Whiskey d__k is a very real thing. Has nothing to do with attraction and has everything to do with alcohol and how it effects the body.

[Applewhite]

I do think you've been very accommodating towards him but you are not getting the same in return. Not taking off his shoes in your own home? Really? That's a pet peeve of mine too. I have a strict "no shoe" rule in my apartment and my SO/friends know to take their shoes off on the mat as soon as they get in.

 

You've been very accommodating: you didn't move away, you got cable that you don't even use, etc. And he won't even turn off the TV knowing you don't like it as you're sleeping? Really?

 

I would be really upset too.

 

Please don't take the sex mishap as him not being attracted to you. Whiskey d__k is a very real thing. Has nothing to do with attraction and has everything to do with alcohol and how it effects the body.

 

I know that alcohol causes ED - but it was him trying to have sex then asking "do you feel better now" that irked me.

[Fudgie]

I know that alcohol causes ED - but it was him trying to have sex then asking "do you feel better now" that irked me.

 

That would irk me too. Like he is minimizing your feelings about the pictures, that if he just sleeps with you, it will "make it better". Uhm, that's not how it works. Sex doesn't cure bad feelings when you're upset over something someone did. You can't just sex it away.

[Applewhite]

That would irk me too. Like he is minimizing your feelings about the pictures, that if he just sleeps with you, it will "make it better". Uhm, that's not how it works. Sex doesn't cure bad feelings when you're upset over something someone did. You can't just sex it away.

 

Yes, you are on point with how I feel about the comment, just missing one thing:

Did he then have sex with me to "make me feel better" instead of because he just wanted to have sex with me?

[Applewhite]

I just texted him if I could have his IG username

[Fudgie]

Yes, you are on point with how I feel about the comment, just missing one thing:

Did he then have sex with me to "make me feel better" instead of because he just wanted to have sex with me?

 

I don't know if that was his ONLY reason but I do feel that it was at least part of his reason, yes. He clearly was expecting a certain outcome of sex, for you to feel better about what he did.

[Applewhite]

So on his IG he is following 10 women, at least one has a snapchat account listed.

And he is minimizing that too saying something like I dont understand or use IG.

Meanwhile it is one of the apps he browsed through and wondered if he should delete out loud in the beginning of our relationship (story behind it )

[Applewhite]

Ok calm down. The snapchat one was Kylie Jenner . I just see red.

[Fudgie]

It's a shame he can't just be honest about his use on it.

 

I think he is very conflict-avoidant and would rather minimize/omit information than face you head-on and deal with possible emotional reactions.

[Applewhite]

So I texted him about the not making small compromises thing. He said I don't even kow what you are talking about, if you asked maybe I would make them.

 

So I wrote:

 

Get creative. Its really not rocket science. But if you really REALLY need things spelled out:

Get creative. Its really not rocket science. But if you really REALLY need things spelled out:

 

Dont save swimsuit models, turn the tv off or give me the remote as you fall asleep, take your shoes off anywhere outside the tile area. Last: when i am upset dont minimize my feelings and overtalk or change the subject. It makes it 100x worse than it is. It shows me that you knew it bothered me but didn't give a and did it anyway

 

He says:

 

Ok I'll do (not do) those things. I'm sorry, I'm not minimizing I just don't think those are things we should get into actual fights about.

[Fudgie]

But haven't you already told him not to do these things in the past? If so, I don't get why he's acting so clueless.

[Applewhite]

But haven't you already told him not to do these things in the past? If so, I don't get why he's acting so clueless.

Not very explicitly like this but in implied ways that he either knew or should have known. Some of them directly.

 

I actually have a sign on my door that says to take off shoes and i always take mine off so it cant be a total surprise. He often wears them.im amd sometimes says sorry theyre clean though etc

[reinventmyself]

I must add that when we have sex it is *amazing*. Best ive ever had by any standard.

 

Sex without intimacy gets old after a while. . .even if it is amazing.

 

It's great that you are willing to compromise and find a show that you both enjoy but at the same time this doesn't resolve the issue that you spend the majority of your time with him with him engaged with electronics and not with you. Where is his compromise?

[Ms Darcy]

I sort of wish a guy would respond to your recent issue. No disrespect to women. But in terms of saving pics of porn or semi-pro models ...

 

Every single man I have ever dated does that in some capacity. Mostly for practical reasons. If I like something, I want to get back to it easily. That kind of thing.

 

I wrote in another thread about things I have learned in relationships. The biggest two. Technology should not be a leash in a relationship. It's a bad sign if you are monitoring and getting upset about his electronic activities.

 

Two. ONLY women say "if he loved me, then he would/would not do what I want." His relationship with you has nothing to do with what he's doing. It's just what he enjoys.

 

You have every right to your boundaries. But he has every right to have his own boundaries too. If you cannot accept that, then you need to decide if it's a dealbreaker. Because I can guarantee while you are saying "why can't he just ..." he's thinking "why can't she just calm down? What's the big deal?"

[Fudgie]

I sort of wish a guy would respond to your recent issue. No disrespect to women. But in terms of saving pics of porn or semi-pro models ...

 

Every single man I have ever dated does that in some capacity. Mostly for practical reasons. If I like something, I want to get back to it easily. That kind of thing.

 

Yup, that's my boyfriend. He doesn't use ENA but if he did, he would come here and echo what I say. "I want to save it for later. I like saving it so I know if it gets deleted/moved, I can find it." I really don't care much what he looks at (my feeling is, as long as it's not rape/child-teen porn then okay) but if I did have a problem, I probably would have ended the relationship.

 

Applewhite, there ARE men out there who don't really look at porn. They may be a bit uncommon (at least, in my generation) but they do exist, I have dated a couple in the past.

[Applewhite]

We have decided to watch the O.A. together.

 

As for photos i don't have a problem with him looking. He says he didnt understand how much saving them upset me.he says will not do it anymore and i trust him.

 

The other minor things he says sometimes i need to tell him a few times for him to get it. Or to "train him"- his words. I said thats called nagging and not a good idea. And also that he is not a dog. Also that if i have to repeat something a third time its just too late by then.

[Applewhite]

I just wanted to take a moment and thank almost all the kind strangers who responded. After a couple of days of introspection and observation i will reread a lot of the responses.

 

And thank you for the tv package and show suggestions too!

[Ms Darcy]

And thank you for the tv package and show suggestions too!

 

I love me some Murder She Wrote on Netflix. But it "went away" as of today. Many shows/movies "go away" after a while. (They say it's to allow them to acquire new content.)

 

That's my only complaint about Netflix.

[Applewhite]

I love me some Murder She Wrote on Netflix. But it "went away" as of today. Many shows/movies "go away" after a while. (They say it's to allow them to acquire new content.)

 

That's my only complaint about Netflix.

Yeah i could see that being annoying. Luckily the one we picked for now is relatively new so i dont think it will just "go away".

 

I wish i could fimd the apple tv remote so i could try the PlayStation vue stuff. Darn the couch must've ate it.

 

Another update, he wanta to go grocery shopping together and cook together tomorrow simple stuff like this makes me SO happy.

 

I feel so attached and in love right now, although rationally i know part of it must be hormones etc causing this from having sex, cuddlig sleeping etc.

[catfeeder]

There are a lot of posts that I can't read right now, so please pardon if this is redundant.

 

How often do you see one another? Your concerns are perfectly valid, and given that he's otherwise a keeper, I'd invest in negotiation and compromise.

 

I'd explain all the things I appreciate about him. Then I'd tell him, "I do have one area where I'd like us to find a compromise. Maybe you can think this over and come up with something that I do or don't do that I could change as a trade in exchange for spending less time in front of a screen when we're together?"

 

Then listen. Let him process what you're asking. Let him question what you mean, and then clarify the TV and the games as time you feel you'd rather spend either doing something else on your own, or together with him.

 

I'd also offer to see less of one another if his game and TV time is that important to him. I'd also make a habit of leaving the room to do something else whenever he engages in his game in front of you. When the TV set comes on, I'd look through listings on my phone and come up with ideas for something you'd actually like to watch. If he's set on something specific that holds no interest for you, I'd leave the room to do something else.

 

Notice, there's no nagging or complaining with any of the above, just negotiation, some amount of compromise, an offer to give him more time on his own for his 'hobbies,' and an unwillingness to remain passively absent from your own interests whenever he insists on spending YOUR valuable time on his screens. Bottom line: he can do that 'stuff' on his own time, and if he needs more time to do it, I'd see less of him, and I'd have specific plans ready to suggest whenever he does want to get together.

 

If these tactics fail, I'd reconsider my compatibility with the guy. He may be wonderful, but that doesn't necessarily make him the right match.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll let us know how things go.

[DancingFool]

So far he seems open to compromise if I approach him the right way (he is super sensitive to thinking I am complaining or somehow unhappy etc - he shuts down big time. He has a really sensitive slightly insecure side). When I ask him to do something for me (pick a tv show for us both etc) he responds positively. So let's see how that goes.

 

Of course he responds positively, because he is in CONTROL and conversely he will get angry and resistant when he is not in control, as in not his idea.

 

He was upset and hurt and later he explained exactly why, but in the moment he was out of control angry yelling and driving the car unsafe. He actually made me stand up the realtor that was waiting for us.

 

Up until this came to light, I was all for giving him the benefit of the doubt as just an energetic guy who always needs something going on - tv, music, games, etc. Some people are simply like that and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

However, after reading the above.......guy is passive aggressive and flips to full on aggressive when he doesn't get his way. Unfortunately, I think you are in denial about it and willing to tolerate that for whatever reason when you should be running away fast. You just do not continue to stay with someone who will deliberately put your life in danger in a fit of rage. That's not a "tantrum" that's full on dangerous aggression. As others have pointed out, your relationship circles a lot around pleasing him and doing what he wants.

 

As for you feeling disconnected, now it makes sense. You ARE disconnect and it's not about tv shows or finding something in common. Someone that passive aggressive and insecure has deep deep issues and part of those issues isn't just control but deliberately pushing you away emotionally. Push and pull to be exact. He will pull you in with some nice gestures and then deliberately distance and put up walls. Look out, because that kind of a relationship will spiral downwards. His walls will not come down, but become worse and worse and more confusing for you. He wants you around, but not too close and it will continue to be punishing, confusing and empty for you. Keep in mind that he is happy with who he is and he is getting exactly the dynamic that he wants. It's you who aren't and won't.

 

I hope you come back to this thread, read it and rethink things, aka dump him, but I'm guessing that you will learn some hard and painful lessons first before you decide to let go.