Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?

[boltnrun]

Maybe when the weather is warmer. We used to go for walks in the summer. Right now it isnt that feasible.

 

No indoor malls or shopping centers? No museums?

[Fudgie]

I don't think the problem here is that he's a homebody. The problem is that for whatever reason(s), you're going through a disconnect. Couples can be homebodies together and still feel very connected even though they don't feel the need to go out and do things outside of the house.

 

That said, I am surprised that you decided to take on $100/month cable subscription just for him. That's a lot, especially for a new relationship. If you don't really like TV and find that you aren't really using it, just cancel it! He doesn't live with you and it's making you unhappy. So get rid of it. Plus, it's expensive. Yes, I buy some snacks that I don't eat but my boyfriend does so I can keep them at my place for him to enjoy. That's, what $15 a month or so and it doesn't cause me pain. Paying $100/month for something YOU don't enjoy and something that takes time away from you guys as a couple...no way. That's just me, but I'd get rid of it.

 

Okay, so there could be a couple things going on.

 

First of all, I'm a lot like your boyfriend in that I do like doing things with my boyfriend (games, watching shows together, going out, etc) but sometimes, damnit, I just want to play my mystery PC games alone, or listen to music and read/translate, or watch my crime shows until my brain oozes out my ears. I need that "me" time and for me, doing different things in the same room = time spent together. My boyfriend is like you. He does not feel the same as I do when it comes to solitary quiet time. For him, time spent together = actually doing something together.

 

We compromise by doing things together but also allowing for me to have "me" time sometimes with him around (we see each other a lot!) and it works out well. We spend a lot of quality time together, including both together and socializing, and I never feel smothered and I still have plenty of time to veg out.

 

Okay so that's one possibility.

 

If he is really averse to compromising in this regard, then I would think he's just sort of a couch potato and more interested in TV/toys than connecting with you.

 

My worry for you is that at 5 months in, things should be peachy, not irritable and boring. I can't help but wonder if you two are just not suited for each other in the long run. I would try to compromise but if you meet resistance or find that he's sliding back into his old ways or just plain shrugs you off, I'd move on.

[Applewhite]

he has some issue with temperature. He always wants to be a million degrees.

[Applewhite]

I don't think the problem here is that he's a homebody. The problem is that for whatever reason(s), you're going through a disconnect. Couples can be homebodies together and still feel very connected even though they don't feel the need to go out and do things outside of the house.

 

That said, I am surprised that you decided to take on $100/month cable subscription just for him. That's a lot, especially for a new relationship. If you don't really like TV and find that you aren't really using it, just cancel it! He doesn't live with you and it's making you unhappy. So get rid of it. Plus, it's expensive. Yes, I buy some snacks that I don't eat but my boyfriend does so I can keep them at my place for him to enjoy. That's, what $15 a month or so and it doesn't cause me pain. Paying $100/month for something YOU don't enjoy and something that takes time away from you guys as a couple...no way. That's just me, but I'd get rid of it.

 

Okay, so there could be a couple things going on.

 

First of all, I'm a lot like your boyfriend in that I do like doing things with my boyfriend (games, watching shows together, going out, etc) but sometimes, damnit, I just want to play my mystery PC games alone, or listen to music and read/translate, or watch my crime shows until my brain oozes out my ears. I need that "me" time and for me, doing different things in the same room = time spent together. My boyfriend is like you. He does not feel the same as I do when it comes to solitary quiet time. For him, time spent together = actually doing something together.

 

We compromise by doing things together but also allowing for me to have "me" time sometimes with him around (we see each other a lot!) and it works out well. We spend a lot of quality time together, including both together and socializing, and I never feel smothered and I still have plenty of time to veg out.

 

Okay so that's one possibility.

 

If he is really averse to compromising in this regard, then I would think he's just sort of a couch potato and more interested in TV/toys than connecting with you.

 

My worry for you is that at 5 months in, things should be peachy, not irritable and boring. I can't help but wonder if you two are just not suited for each other in the long run. I would try to compromise but if you meet resistance or find that he's sliding back into his old ways or just plain shrugs you off, I'd move on.

 

So far he seems open to compromise if I approach him the right way (he is super sensitive to thinking I am complaining or somehow unhappy etc - he shuts down big time. He has a really sensitive slightly insecure side). When I ask him to do something for me (pick a tv show for us both etc) he responds positively. So let's see how that goes.

[Fudgie]

Is he someone who struggles with dealing with emotions? Have you two fought/argued at all? Would you classify him as emotionally immature?

 

Just wondering here. He's starting to sound a little bit like a shut-in to me and I'm wondering if he has trouble dealing with people, including conflict with you.

[katrina1980]

In general i do think we engage and connect. Its the times when he watches tv or plays games that i feel the disconnect.

 

Yesterday i went off amd played my own game too not knowing what to do. Then he came over all interested about what it was. I think we just need to figure out things to do at home for the times we are home. Does that make sense?

 

Apple, I am late to this thread, but first off, in response to your thread title, everyone's idea of "normal" is different.

 

I lived with my boyfriend before we broke up and this "would" be "our" normal (more or less).

 

When home together, he often did his thing and I would do mine (like posting on this board! lol), either right next to him while he was watching sports, or go into another room. No biggee.

 

Second, re the bolded, very interesting and good observation and very telling!

 

When you are off doing your own thing, he becomes interested!!

 

What does this suggest to you? It suggests to me that he values a bit of separateness and actually needs this to keep the fires burning.

 

When you expect his constant attention or to be entertained, it can be quite smothering for a guy, which explains his distance during your time together.

 

My advice is to lower the expectations, get rid of any notion of what's considered "normal," and do your own thing, just like you would do if he weren't there at all.

 

That attitude and behavior has always served me really well in my RLs.

 

Good luck.... and hope y'all have a happy and healthy new year!

 

 

 

 

 

The only difference is that we BOTH were fiercely independent, sothis (bolded) is a good observation and very telling.

[Applewhite]

I

 

First of all, I'm a lot like your boyfriend in that I do like doing things with my boyfriend (games, watching shows together, going out, etc) but sometimes, damnit, I just want to play my mystery PC games alone, or listen to music and read/translate, or watch my crime shows until my brain oozes out my ears. I need that "me" time and for me, doing different things in the same room = time spent together. My boyfriend is like you. He does not feel the same as I do when it comes to solitary quiet time. For him, time spent together = actually doing something together.

 

 

In response to this - I completely understand that he would sometimes want to do his own thing - so do I. It's just that he can avoid doing that on the 1 night he stays over, right? That shouldn't be asking for too much, right?

[Applewhite]

Apple, I am late to this thread, but first off, in response to your thread title, everyone's idea of "normal" is different.

 

I lived with my boyfriend before we broke up and this "would" be "our" normal (more or less).

 

When home together, he often did his thing and I would do mine, either next to him or go into another room. No biggee.

 

Second, re the bolded, very interesting and good observation and very telling!

 

When you are off doing your own thing, he becomes interested!!

 

What does this suggest to you? It suggests to me that he values a bit of separateness and actually needs this to keep the fires burning.

 

When you expect his constant attention or to be entertained, it can be quite smothering for a guy, which explains his distance during your time together.

 

My advice is to lower the expectations, get rid of any notion of what's considered "normal," and do your own thing, just like you would do if he weren't there at all.

 

That attitude and behavior has always served me really well in my RLs.

 

Good luck.... and hope y'all have a happy and healthy new year!

 

 

 

 

 

The only difference is that we BOTH were fiercely independent, sothis (bolded) is a good observation and very telling.

 

I can get that - but if we are just going to part and do our separate things, why come over to my place then? I mean I'd rather he not be around when I am playing Catan on my computer if that makes sense.

[Applewhite]

Is he someone who struggles with dealing with emotions? Have you two fought/argued at all? Would you classify him as emotionally immature?

 

Just wondering here. He's starting to sound a little bit like a shut-in to me and I'm wondering if he has trouble dealing with people, including conflict with you.

 

These are all accurate observations, both in his own words and in my observations. How did you know?!

 

We have had conflict and he is a bit difficult to communicate with but we have resolved each conflict we had, even if it took multiple attempts/conversations.

[Fudgie]

In response to this - I completely understand that he would sometimes want to do his own thing - so do I. It's just that he can avoid doing that on the 1 night he stays over, right? That shouldn't be asking for too much, right?

 

Well, earlier you said (and please, correct me if I am wrong here) that you sometimes see each other 4-5x a week. That's quite a bit. Everyone has different comfort levels and different ideas of what it means to be together. I can't speak for him, just throwing out suggestions, but it may be possible that he doesn't have the desire to connect with you in the ways that you find meaningful (doing things together, playing games together).

 

I know for me, I still like having my boyfriend around even when I'm not focusing on him/us and am doing something else. Took him a while to "get" that but we have a balance.

 

As for my other observations, it was just a gut feeling. I am wondering if his traits as a whole will make it harder for you in the future to stick with him. It's hard when you feel like your partner needs to be dragged into stuff that you find normal/enjoyable. I've been there, done that. Made me feel like I was trying to drag a big calf on a short lead, which btw, is not fun. Cows are stubborn and they will resist you and it's tiring.

[katrina1980]

I can get that - but if we are just going to part and do our separate things, why come over to my place then? I mean I'd rather he not be around when I am playing Catan on my computer if that makes sense.

 

That's fair, but speaking personally, I enjoyed my bf just "being there" even when doing our own thing. It was a very comforting feeling knowing he was there and every once in awhile, I would stop what I was doing for a minute, lean over and give him a hug/kiss (usually during commercials....lol), which helped me feel connected.

 

Then go back to what I was doing.

 

Not criticizing you at all, cause we all have different needs, but for me, I didn't need his constant attention, or to be entertained to enjoy being with him.

 

I just liked being in his presence, and just knowing that he's "there" ... regardless of whether or not we were "doing something together,"

 

I feel the same about my new bf, although we don't live together.

 

But you need to do what is right for you, we all do.

 

Another thing I have learned, is that you can never change another person's behavior, you can only change your response to their behavior.

 

Again, best of luck!

[Applewhite]

Well, earlier you said (and please, correct me if I am wrong here) that you sometimes see each other 4-5x a week. That's quite a bit. Everyone has different comfort levels and different ideas of what it means to be together. I can't speak for him, just throwing out suggestions, but it may be possible that he doesn't have the desire to connect with you in the ways that you find meaningful (doing things together, playing games together).

 

I know for me, I still like having my boyfriend around even when I'm not focusing on him/us and am doing something else. Took him a while to "get" that but we have a balance.

 

Well right now we live 15 mins away so it isn't hard to see each other. I don't think he would ever say no if I asked to see him. And yes, I think he enjoys me being there with him even if he is doing something on his own. He has even asked me to move in with him instead of moving to a different town like I had intended to (I said no, we discussed it was too early even if we both wanted to that we should wait a bit more etc).

 

But yes for me I would enjoy it better if we more often did something together - even if that means seeing each other a little less often. But the frequency doesn't bother me - it's the mindless TV watching. If he's going to do that I may as well go do something with my friends/outside or something I guess.

 

We have to find some kind of common ground.

[katrina1980]

Well right now we live 15 mins away so it isn't hard to see each other. I don't think he would ever say no if I asked to see him. And yes, I think he enjoys me being there with him even if he is doing something on his own. He has even asked me to move in with him instead of moving to a different town like I had intended to (I said no, we discussed it was too early even if we both wanted to that we should wait a bit more etc).

 

But yes for me I would enjoy it better if we more often did something together - even if that means seeing each other a little less often. But the frequency doesn't bother me - it's the mindless TV watching. If he's going to do that I may as well go do something with my friends/outside or something I guess.

 

 

Well my ex-bf and I lived together, so perhaps it's different, but yeah when he was watching his sports, I would often go out shopping or lunch with friends.

 

With my current, he watches a lot of sports too (mostly football) and TBH, although I am not a football fan, I DO sometimes watch the games with him and surprisingly I can get quite into it!!

 

Same with certain shows he likes. Although it wasn't something I would choose if alone, once I started watching, I would get into it!

 

I just enjoyed being with him (same with current) and feeling connected so I made an effort. So did he in different ways.

 

It worked for us but like I said, you do what feels right for you.

 

If that means spending less time together, but doing more things when you are together, then suggest that and see how that works for both of you.

[Applewhite]

Well my ex-bf and I lived together, so perhaps it's different, but yeah when he was watching his sports, I would often go out shopping or lunch with friends.

 

With my current, he watches a lot of sports too (mostly football) and TBH, although I am not a football fan, I DO sometimes watch the games with him and surprisingly I can get quite into it!!

 

Same with certain shows he likes. Although it wasn't something I would choose if alone, once I started watching, I would get into it!

 

I just enjoyed being with him (same with current) and feeling connected so I made an effort. So did he in different ways.

 

It worked for us but like I said, you do what feels right for you.

 

If that means spending less time together, but doing more things when you are together, then suggest that and see how that works for both of you.

 

Knowing him if I tell him I think we should spend less time together (even if I explain why) I think he would freak out and think I am trying to sabotage the relationship subconsciously. This is what he thought I was doing when I wanted to move to a different area a bit far from him.

 

And although I can live with less time together I don't want it either. I like seeing him twice a week - which is one of the biggest reasons I did not move recently (I found a great apartment right in a town that has lots to do - it was further away from him though).

 

I think we just have to figure out a way to spend the time together in a way that makes us both happy.

[journeynow]

I wonder if this is an introvert/extrovert thing. Is he introverted, in general? What does he do when you are apart? What does he do for work? Does he need some "down" time? Does he see this as "breathing room" so you can be together without him feeling smothered or overwhelmed? Just trying to understand.

[Applewhite]

I wonder if this is an introvert/extrovert thing. Is he introverted, in general? What does he do when you are apart? What does he do for work? Does he need some "down" time? Does he see this as "breathing room" so you can be together without him feeling smothered or overwhelmed? Just trying to understand.

 

He is absolutely an introvert by his own admission. Other than me he only has 1 other friend he regularly keeps in touch with. Human interaction and groups make him anxious. He is switching careers at this time, but most of his work experience is phone sales. He tried something else for a while but was working too much like 70+ hrs a week and stopped to look for something else that was a better fit.

 

He seems to not be desparate for breathing room. He wants to see me often, as do I - so we work around our work/personal schedules and make as much time for each other as comfortably feasible.

 

When not with me I am sure he watches a lot of tv, plays games, plays with his drones, drives his motorcycle and goes to the gym to play racquetball.

 

I've never been in a situation when I wanted to see him and he wanted time to himself.

 

I'm not an introvert or extrovert but somewhere in the middle probably.

[Fudgie]

It really sounds like you two have different ideas of it means to be "together". He wants to see you, and see you often, but do his own thing while you're nearby. This doesn't interest you, because this is not how you connect with a partner, and you're feeling "well, if you're just going to sit here and do x y z by yourself, why not stay home".

 

Either a big compromise is in order or you're just not compatible.

 

Also, are you going to get rid of the TV subscription? Paying $100/month for something you don't even use and its use (by him) brings you down seems really counter-intuitive.

[Applewhite]

It really sounds like you two have different ideas of it means to be "together". He wants to see you, and see you often, but do his own thing while you're nearby. This doesn't interest you, because this is not how you connect with a partner, and you're feeling "well, if you're just going to sit here and do x y z by yourself, why not stay home".

 

Either a big compromise is in order or you're just not compatible.

 

Also, are you going to get rid of the TV subscription? Paying $100/month for something you don't even use and its use (by him) brings you down seems really counter-intuitive.

 

LOL way to put me on the spot for the Verizon bill Fudgie. Truth is I want to first see if there is a show we can enjoy together and make an "activity" out of it together. If yes the $100 is WELL worth it in my opinion. If we aren't able to do that, then I will cancel it. Fair enough?

[journeynow]

By "breathing room" I meant when you are together, his watching TV may provide some needed breathing room for him. He can be with you, yet not interacting the whole time. As an introvert, I can kind of understand it, although I don't need TV, just some quiet time to be in my head SOME of the time.

[Applewhite]

By "breathing room" I meant when you are together, his watching TV may provide some needed breathing room for him. He can be with you, yet not interacting the whole time. As an introvert, I can kind of understand it, although I don't need TV, just some quiet time to be in my head SOME of the time.

 

This might be true. It could be some combination between this and he just really likes his tv/games.

[Fudgie]

Yeah, that seems fair enough. Sorry, it just chaps my @$$ on your behalf that you're shelling out money for something that is making you feel uncomfortable. It's like paying for the privilege of a beesting!

 

That said, I hope that you two can find some shows that you can enjoy together. I'm not sure what you're into watching but I've enjoyed a # of TV shows with current boyfriend and past boyfriends. I love Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones. If that isn't really your style, then I suggest Wilfred. REALLY enjoyed that show, very entertaining, thought-provoking, and surreal.

[katrina1980]

LOL way to put me on the spot for the Verizon bill Fudgie. Truth is I want to first see if there is a show we can enjoy together and make an "activity" out of it together. If yes the $100 is WELL worth it in my opinion. If we aren't able to do that, then I will cancel it. Fair enough?

 

JMO of course but since you did not have cable before you started dating him, and got it specifically so HE could watch HIS shows, then he should either be paying the cable bill or at the very least split it 50/50 with you.

 

I am not understanding why or how he would expect you to pay 100% for something you don't care to have, and never did, and ONLY got to please him so he could watch "his" shows.

 

That doesn't seem right to me, maybe I'm missing something.

 

But if you're cool with it, I guess that's all that matters.

[Applewhite]

Any other shows that anyone recommends? I usually like watching real crime type shows. But I think that type of stuff is boring for most people right?

[Fudgie]

JMO of course but since you did not have cable before you started dating him, and got it specifically so HE could watch HIS shows, then he should either be paying the cable bill or at the very least split it 50/50 with you.

 

I am not understanding why or how he would expect you to pay 100% for something you don't care to have, and never did, and ONLY got to please him so he could watch "his" shows.

 

Yeah that kind of made me go "hmm". It's one thing if you live together and person really wants TV and the other doesn't - okay fine, get the TV since you share a home. But this is a new relationship and you don't live together. That's a heck of a utility bill to take up when you don't benefit much.

 

BTW, this is coming from someone who really likes TV (well, certain channels) and has Investigation Discovery on almost every day. I pay for my own TV ($30/month) but I wouldn't expect a SO to have that...and I get that he wasn't expecting it, but still, it would make me go "WHOA" if someone got TV just for me. If it were important enough to me, I'd get a sub that would allow me to watch remotely since I'd be the one benefiting, not him.

[Applewhite]

JMO of course but since you did not have cable before you started dating him, and got it specifically so HE could watch HIS shows, then he should either be paying the cable bill or at the very least split it 50/50 with you.

 

I am not understanding why or how he would expect you to pay 100% for something you don't care to have, and never did, and ONLY got to please him so he could watch "his" shows.

 

That doesn't seem right to be, maybe I'm missing something.

 

He never expected me to get the cable. I did it because I wanted to for him. I didn't realize it would make me this unhappy having it though.