Am I being dramatic?

[Batya33]

I agree with you, and of course if a woman is showing resistance to his advances, then he should back off.

 

I only meant that a confident man (which is what I meant by having "balls") will attempt to "escalate" and as I said this does NOT necessarily mean sex (I thought I said that in previous post).

 

It means escalate the physical (i.e. touching, kissing, etc.) which is what OP's guy did from the way I read it.

 

Again if she resists, then he backs off. Which he also did, although he still wanted her to stay which is fine and means he likes her and enjoys spending time with her WITHOUT anything physical happening.

 

I would think most women would appreciate that and see this as a plus (I sure would) not interpret it to mean he's some sort of "player" only out for sex after which he dumps her.

 

Hope that clarifies.

 

Yes, I think a man should at the right time make a pass and "escalate" - never could stand those men where you basically had to make the first move. Many thanks for clarifying, and with such clarity.

[katrina1980]

He ran behind me seeming quite emotional, his eyes were glazed over asking me to please wait. He said he feels like he's done something wrong and felt a bit crushed. Then he said he felt like I was running away from him and he really didn't want me to go. He said he was sorry for making me uncomfortable and didn't want to mess things up cause he would like to be long term with me. He said he wanted to be in a relationship with me and values me and wanted to be serious. I asked him how because we have only known each other for 5 days and he was still essentially a stranger.

 

 

SooSad, jmo but had she been REALLY into him, attracted to him, the whole nine, she would have melted when he said all that.

 

Yeah it's a bit much, my ex came on strong like this too, and we were together six years.

 

However, his behavior in general I did feel was too fast and asked him to slow down, which he did.

 

So I agree with your advice about that. Slow it down.

 

But enjoy and have fun!!

[SooSad33]

Yeah... from my end of this.. I would be a little weary of someone right off the bat saying something in the lines.. of 'wanting long term with you'.......

 

when, like the OP said... he didnt even know her full name, etc.

 

Shows she is in ways.. 'reacting' and being a little nervous, or cautious?

 

I know I would be...

 

 

**Also, I am going from experience of a 'few' guys approaching me with the strangest come-ons on things like date sites.

Saying most innaproiate things to me.....

Wants

Expectations

Rudeness

 

- just, totally innapropriate things.. which shows lack of respect. I dont go for that.

[katrina1980]

Yeah... from my end of this.. I would be a little weary of someone right off the bat saying something in the lines.. of 'wanting long term with you'.......

 

 

I dunno, I try not to read too much into "words" this early on.

 

It sounds like he likes her a lot, and yes he's coming on a bit strong. If that makes her uncomfortable, then she can always ask him to slow it down, like I did with my ex.

 

Assuming she's really into the guy.

 

Re what he said about long term, well when I like a guy enough to want to explore a relationship with him, I am hoping for long term also. Aren't we all?

 

Or I suppose there are those who prefer to hop from one monogamous RL to the next, but I wouldn't want a man like that, would you?

 

I want a man who is at least hoping for long term. Doesn't always work out that way, but I think it's good he wants that and hope it does.

 

The difference between me and this guy and perhaps him and another guy is that he was bold enough to actually express his feelings to her!

 

Depending on how one's looks at it, they will see this as either a good thing or bad thing.

 

I tend to give guys the benefit of the doubt, try to not read so much into it, be happy he is excited about me.... again, assuming I am equally excited about him!

 

If I am not, then I will find things to gripe about and reasons why I should dump. When the reality is I am just not into him.

 

I think, again assuming she's really into him, she should date him a few more times and get to know him better, she can then determine if he's for "real" (as they say) or full of you know what.

 

But for now, I say continue dating, maintain boundaries, gauge actions, enjoy and have fun.

[Batya33]

There's bold and then there's oversharing or wanting an instant-relationship to beobn too self absorbed or selfish to give the other person reasonable space to get to know you without gushing all over. When my husband and I got back together it was around my birthday. He gave me a necklace. I asked him to put it on me and he did. I was sure he'd go on for a kiss but he didn't till later in the evening. Later when I asked him about why he didn't he said that he felt that if he did that then it would look like he was taking advantage of being close to me when I asked him to help with the clasp - and therein lies the difference between rushing in and risking overwhelming the other person and choosing to wait until the timing is eighth despite feeling or desiring a certain way. No I wouldn't have minded at all had he kissed me right then so it wasn't a matter of whether I was into him.

The whole "you're my princess " thing plus lavish spending and his emotional response after five days- I don't know.... I'd like to be wrong about my wariness.

[katrina1980]

There's bold and then there's oversharing or wanting an instant-relationship to beobn too self absorbed or selfish to give the other person reasonable space to get to know you without gushing all over. When my husband and I got back together it was around my birthday. He gave me a necklace. I asked him to put it on me and he did. I was sure he'd go on for a kiss but he didn't till later in the evening. Later when I asked him about why he didn't he said that he felt that if he did that then it would look like he was taking advantage of being close to me when I asked him to help with the clasp - and therein lies the difference between rushing in and risking overwhelming the other person and choosing to wait until the timing is eighth despite feeling or desiring a certain way. No I wouldn't have minded at all had he kissed me right then so it wasn't a matter of whether I was into him.

The whole "you're my princess " thing plus lavish spending and his emotional response after five days- I don't know.... I'd like to be wrong about my wariness.

 

 

The difference between me and this guy and perhaps him and another guy is that he was bold enough to actually express his feelings to her!

 

Depending on how one looks at it, they will see this as either a good thing or bad thing.

 

 

Well then I guess this means you view his behavior as a bad thing, or at least a "not so good" thing?

 

Which is OKAY, like I said it's all in how we look at it. Based on our own experiences, and perhaps how we view men and RLs in general.

 

Batya, it sounds like what you needed and wanted jibed with your husband's so it all worked out!

 

I spose in the end it's about compatibility and how willing your partner (and you) are to understand each other and communicate.

 

In this guy's defense, YES he came on strong. All OP has to do is tell him to slow down. If he doesn't, then it's next.

 

But at least allow him that chance.

 

I did with my ex and like I said we were together six years, but then again I was REALLY into him, so much so we had sex the first night we met.

 

But after that he was going super fast, which made me uncomfortable so I asked him to slow it down, which he did and respected me for speaking up, instead of jumping to conclusions about him and dumping him.

[KantSleep]

He seems a bit over-the-top but has a lot of good qualities that you listed. I would give the guy a chance.

[nsolo]

You are definitely not being dramatic, in my opinion.

This dude doesn't understand how attraction works. Y'all have been out for only a few dates and he's bought you all these gifts, spent all this money, which comes off as a bribe for sex and/or a relationship. On top of that, he brings up the relationship thing, after only a few dates???? It sounds like he is trying to use you to fill a void. The fact that he ran after you when you went to leave speaks even more to the fact that he's not really cool. I'd be very wary if I were you. Test him by making some distance. Then you'll be able to see if he really freaks out on you. If he freaks out on you because you slow things down, then you'll be able to see how cool and romantic he really is.

[missmarple]

Three dates in a week, expensive gift on your second (!) date, emotional already, wants a relationship when he barely knows you, loves the 'connection' you have.. I think it's either what your guy friend said or he desperately wants a relationship for some reason (when did his last relationship end?).

[Batya33]

Well then I guess this means you view his behavior as a bad thing, or at least a "not so good" thing?

 

Which is OKAY, like I said it's all in how we look at it. Based on our own experiences, and perhaps how we view men and RLs in general.

 

Batya, it sounds like what you needed and wanted jibed with your husband's so it all worked out!

 

I spose in the end it's about compatibility and how willing your partner (and you) are to understand each other and communicate.

 

In this guy's defense, YES he came on strong. All OP has to do is tell him to slow down. If he doesn't, then it's next.

 

But at least allow him that chance.

 

I did with my ex and like I said we were together six years, but then again I was REALLY into him, so much so we had sex the first night we met.

 

But after that he was going super fast, which made me uncomfortable so I asked him to slow it down, which he did and respected me for speaking up, instead of jumping to conclusions about him and dumping him.

 

No I did not write that at all -I wrote that I was wary of what's going on here. I think it depends on the situation -you asked your ex to slow down-asked him once -and he did -this guy seems like he is not going to slow down with that level of suggestion (as evidenced by his reaction after knowing her 5 days).

 

I don't think waiting to have sex means anything about how into each other the people are. More often, they are incredibly into each other and abstain because they share values and priorities that make having sex early on a bad idea for a variety of reasons. Totally nothing wrong with having sex the first night (I know married couples who have). In general I think it's far riskier to move that fast if the person wants an eventual long term relationship. And of course far riskier when it comes to pregnancy and STDs.

[browneyedgirl36]

The way I see this is they've had FIVE dates and he's starting to escalate.

 

I don't see he did anything "wrong,", including rushing things.

 

I mean five dates he asked her over and started to escalate the physical (not necessary sex).

 

Nothing wrong with that imho, in fact if I dug the guy, was really attracted to him, I would have welcomed that! And probably more, cause that's what's happens when two people are attracted.

 

After 4-5 dates (often times LESS), the physical begins which may or may not lead to sex. If you don't want sex, then don't have it.

 

But I think it's wrong to jump to all these conclusions about him based on him attempting to escalate things, which men often encourage other men to do!

 

I guess it's the old damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

Katrina, I think she said they'd known each other five days -- that this was their third date (not that there's THAT much of a difference between three and five dates, but knowing someone for only five days -- as the OP said, they're still strangers, for all intents and purposes).

 

While I don't think it's wrong for him to try for more intimacy, she DID make it clear that she was uncomfortable being in his apartment, and he reassured her that it would be OK. Once she got in there, he had to see how uncomfortable she was, and yet he kept trying to cajole her, to loosen up her boundaries, so to speak, which led her to "flee" because she wasn't ready for that level of intimacy (and, it seems, DID tell him this, but he persisted anyway).

 

That aside, though, him running after her, all teary-eyed, calling her "Princess," declaring strong feelings for her, after only knowing her for five days? That sets off a HUGE red flag for me...relationship "fast-tracking" often leads to heartache for one or both parties. What's the hurry? Why all the lovey-dovey talk and pet names and dramatic expressions of feelings right away? I'd be running for the hills -- but that's just me!

 

To the OP: If it feels wrong to you, and you feel like you can't proceed with dating this guy, don't. If you feel comfortable, though, meet him at Starbucks to talk over coffee, express your concerns, and see how he responds. If it's just more gushy, starry-eyed stuff, and it feels like he's not listening to you, then you might want to cut him loose. If you feel uncomfortable, there's usually a good reason for it.

 

Did you end up meeting him? Let us know what happened!

[browneyedgirl36]

Three dates in a week, expensive gift on your second (!) date, emotional already, wants a relationship when he barely knows you, loves the 'connection' you have.. I think it's either what your guy friend said or he desperately wants a relationship for some reason (when did his last relationship end?).

 

Yep -- this. Minus the expensive gift part, my ex, in a nutshell. He'd JUST gotten out of a tumultuous, on-off relationship with someone else and was SO into me immediately. Red flags a-wavin', everywhere -- I even had a panic attack (my first and only one ever) a few days after our first date because I KNEW something was off -- yet I gave it a chance because no one had every seemed that into me, and he seemed to have so many other good qualities. I think of it now, and I shudder.

[katrina1980]

Katrina, I think she said they'd known each other five days -- that this was their third date (not that there's THAT much of a difference between three and five dates, but knowing someone for only five days -- as the OP said, they're still strangers, for all intents and purposes).

 

 

Thanks and yeah I realized that after I made that post.

 

And yes I do agree he came on very strong, perhaps even inappropriately strong, and also agree if she is uncomfortable with it, she would walk away.

 

I have always said, men who come on fast and strong have a tendency to disappear just as fast, so it's a bit of a red flag.

 

Anyway, my later posts said that IF she is really into him, she always has the option of, like you said, meeting him at a coffee shop or even a pub, and telling him she is uncomfortable with his fast and strong pace and ask that he slow it down.

 

As I mentioned, I did this with my ex and he respected my boundaries and toned it down.

 

It's really the OP's choice. She, of course, is under no obligation to do this, or to even to continue seeing him.

 

Many women would not.

 

I guess it all depends on much of a connection she felt and/or how attracted to him she is, etc.

 

In any event, she should do what feels right and comfortable for her, we all should.

 

Good luck OP in whatever you decide!!

[LadyBug1988]

Update:

I met him at Starbucks and told him the whole "Netflix and chill" situation really got under my skin and I didn't want to spend NYE with him anymore. I brought $80 cash to repay him for my ticket and suggested he find someone else online to go with.

 

He remained very clam but his eyes looked very sad and glazed. He said sleeping with me was not his intention, he just likes spending time with me and wanted to be close to me. He said he was a little saddened and hurt because he wanted to open up to me, but doesn't want to be rejected.

 

He then asked "How can I fix this?" I asked him "Do you really want to fix things after such a short time knowing each other?" He said it may be a short time, but it seems like longer to him. He likes being around me and really wants something long term with me. He then asked "Are you just hanging out for fun? Like just getting to know me not on a serious level? Because I'm not, I really have feelings for you. I really like you."

 

I was taken aback by this, he was so calm and gentle and sincere. I'm used to men getting angry or having attitudes when they don't get their way with me, but he was so sweet and something about him made me feel really safe with him. He said he'll keep me far away from his apartment, that he respects my boundaries, and would still like to see me.

 

I told him "okay" and we ended up taking a ride through a winter wonderland themed light display at a local park. He held my hand and was so sweet, and affectionate, and it kind of made me want to trust him. He kissed me (not in an overtly sexual way) at the end of the night and said "let's make this New Year a great one together. I know what your boundaries are, and I won't cross them. We'll look stunning together, take beautiful pictures, and go into 2017 with positive energy together", he also said he wanted me to try his favorite restaurant in a neighboring state the next day since we would be on the border. I agreed, and he reassured he that he would never hurt me.

 

So we went out for dinner and a movie tonight and had a great time. I met him in his parking garage and he had his coat on and was ready to go. When we got back he didn't try to get me in his apartment, and just kissed me goodbye (without groping me) telling me he really likes me and wants to take me to see his favorite Broadway play. He's super gentle with his affection and it makes me feel safe. The only time I doubt him is when I think of all the other guys in the past who were nice to me at first then tried to hurt me later.

 

He said he's not the guy who wants to sleep with me and never talk to me again, he thinks we have a good connection. He's made me comfortable enough to go with him on NYE, and I think he's slowing down.

[missmarple]

I have 2 questions. How old is he and when was his last relationship.

[Batya33]

So, you have set up a real power dynamic with him -twice you've made strong gestures about wanting to leave and twice you've gone back for more -in a very short time. I understand it takes two to tango -I'm looking at your behavior. I think it was appropriate to pay him back for the tickets but it sounds like you met him, didn't give him a chance to explain, and canceled NYE. From his side of things, he then was challenged to win you over and he sees that he can with the light show, the promise of a play - look if you like being the damsel in distress turned princess, more power to you - that is the impression you're giving - high drama and then wooed back by trinkets.

 

I'm glad he acted like a gentleman. He may be one but it's too soon to tell - you need to know someone over a period of months to know their character/values/integrity. Right now he might be behaving in a sincere way or simply reacting to the power dynamic you've created. Time will tell. Good news is your NYE plans sound like fun and with no strings attached.

[LadyBug1988]

I have 2 questions. How old is he and when was his last relationship.

 

He's 30 and he said he got out of a 5 year relationship earlier in the fall.

[LadyBug1988]

So, you have set up a real power dynamic with him -twice you've made strong gestures about wanting to leave and twice you've gone back for more -in a very short time. I understand it takes two to tango -I'm looking at your behavior. I think it was appropriate to pay him back for the tickets but it sounds like you met him, didn't give him a chance to explain, and canceled NYE. From his side of things, he then was challenged to win you over and he sees that he can with the light show, the promise of a play - look if you like being the damsel in distress turned princess, more power to you - that is the impression you're giving - high drama and then wooed back by trinkets.

 

I'm glad he acted like a gentleman. He may be one but it's too soon to tell - you need to know someone over a period of months to know their character/values/integrity. Right now he might be behaving in a sincere way or simply reacting to the power dynamic you've created. Time will tell. Good news is your NYE plans sound like fun and with no strings attached.

 

I actually am not trying to manipulate him or use him for his money, I make sure everything is 50/50. I reciprocate his every effort, if he drives and pays for the movie, I pay for dinner. I'm also very quick to remind him that this is new and we're just getting to know each other.

 

I don't take his promises seriously, I know anyone can tell me anything for any reason. We are both on vacation from work this week and as much as he tells me he has "friends", he's been home alone all week watching TV and texting me. He gave me the passcode to his phone and we often use it to stream videos and music, the only people that ever text him are his mom and dad.

 

We have very similar occupations in the same town, working the same hours and I'm waiting to see what happens next week when we're working again. Whether he continues to make time for me or just forgets about me.

 

I do agree with him that we surprisingly have a great great deal in common with many shared interests, and he also demonstrates the temperament I need from a man. I'm also not naieve and I'm prepared for him to stop calling me after NYE. Sex is not going to happen in this situation and he knows it, at least not until I see that this is consistently who he is.

 

I just don't want him to be too good to be true because he's really sweet and fun and I feel good while and after we're together.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. So he's rebounding. That explains his insta-relationship intensity and lightning speed pace.

 

He's just looking to quickly replace a warm body so he can distract and comfort himself from the loneliness and pain of a very recent 5 yr relationship breakup.

 

Who broke up and why?

He's 30 and he said he got out of a 5 year relationship earlier in the fall.

[LadyBug1988]

Sorry to hear that. So he's rebounding. That explains his insta-relationship intensity and lightning speed pace.

 

He's just looking to quickly replace a warm body so he can distract and comfort himself from the loneliness and pain of a very recent 5 yr relationship breakup.

 

Who broke up and why?

 

That is something I was keeping in mind as well, and another part of the reason I was so upset about the "Netflix and chill" incident.

 

He said he broke up with her and it was a long time coming because they kept butting heads to the point he knew they weren't compatible. He said he's a really chill, non-confrontational guy and his ex was super confrontational. He said she started to get so aggressive and in his face that he got more angry than he ever had in his life on two occasions where he needed to physically remove himself from her presence.

 

He felt being around her had the potential to bring out the absolute worst in him, and those things did not line up with his values and would not make him or his family proud. He also said they had conflicting schedules, he works days she worked nights and when they did find the time to get together (which was becoming less and less frequent) they were tired and not enjoying each other's company.

 

He had gotten a job interview with a tech company in California (the SAME one I have been applying to work for) and before he left he started talking about her coming with him. She flat out told him "I'm not coming, it's out of the question". He said he was very hurt by this because she knew it was his dream job and dream company and they could live an incredible life together.

 

He also mentioned them not really getting along with each other's friends and family, and that was straining as well during holidays.

 

He told me that their breakup was sad but relieving and that experience helped him learn more about what he actually wants in a woman.

[Sportster2005]

What a bucket load of crap. He's trying to create a sense of obligation by being overly generous. He's trying to get into your pants, which if fair. But he should do it honestly and seductively. Pleading ignorance when you clearly stated it wasn't going to happen is just amateur hour. Date men, not boys.

[LadyBug1988]

What a bucket load of crap. He's trying to create a sense of obligation by being overly generous. He's trying to get into your pants, which if fair. But he should do it honestly and seductively. Pleading ignorance when you clearly stated it wasn't going to happen is just amateur hour. Date men, not boys.

 

Thank you. That's exactly why I match his efforts to make sure things are equal. I was never able to allow men (other than my dad) to spend tons of money on me due to fear they would feel I owed them something. I make sure, in every relationship no man has financial leverage over me.

 

I feel like going -for-tat with him around the wining and dining is throwing a wrench in "obligation tactic" (if that's what he had in mind) because I am his equal and there's nothing he's doing that I am not matching. He knows there's nothing he can do for me that I can't do for myself, all I am looking for is friendship, companionship, mutual support and happiness.

 

I am always very carful to watch his reactions, facial expressions and body language when I pay for things and he seems a little surprised but always tells me thank you. It's like a very quiet surprised, the first time I did it he asked "are you sure?", and when I said "yes" he let me go ahead.

 

His reaction to me paying for things is hard for me to read, he doesn't look super happy, but he doesn't seem disappointed either. He is clam and respectful and let's me to what I want. I actually let him keep the $80 I gave him for my NYE ticket to pay for gas and our Über. I also plan to buy a round of drinks that night and maybe breakfast in the morning depending on what he treats me to.

 

This isn't just with him, it's just a standard I have with men and gifts. I have expensive taste, but I can support my lifestyle on my own. I'm just interested to see how this affects him.

[Batya33]

Either that's not his real phone or he is showing you major red flags. He just met you and gave you the passcode to his phone? So if you end up seriously involved with this guy you know that he's going to be casual in general about sharing his private information/access to his personal affairs,etc - complete lack of common sense. Obviously he can change the passcode and block you but why in the world would someone go down that path unless he had serious issues?

[j.man]

Between the dude goin' full on Speed Racer with the pacing and all the red flags, a New Years lay is about the only reason you should be seeing him right now. I don't know how "too good to be true" could even be crossing your mind. Just keeps getting worse and worse each post.

[Wiseman2]

As much as he's telling you he's over it, this is extremely telling that he really isn't.

He said he was very hurt by this because she knew it was his dream job and dream company and they could live an incredible life together