My bf & our mutual female friend always hang out alone & it's driving me crazy.

[Hope7]

My boyfriend of 4 years and I share a mutual friend that is female, our age, and whom we met on the same exact day 7 months ago when we all relocated and met at our new jobs. Therefore, she wasn't my friend first or his friend first etc. Anyways, we share a good amount in common with her (we're from the same area, know all the same places etc) so we became close friends with her pretty quickly and easily while we were adjusting to our new surroundings. Over the past 7 months however she has gradually, increasingly, and continuously over stepped her bounds. My boyfriend is partly to blame and so am I for letting this go on for so long, however, I did/do not want to be 'that girlfriend' who controls who my bf chooses to spend time with....

 

Anyway, the point is that I really feel as though they spend entirely too much time together.... and it angers me that I have to feel weird and like I'm being the "psycho gf" to say that. When they both have a day off, and I'm working, they hang out 99% of the time...they go out to expensive dinners, they spend HOURS on the couch watching movies together, AND the icing on the cake was the other day, on THEIR day off, he invited her over to "clean" and hang out. He asked me first, which he always does, BUT WHY!? why must you spend all this time with another girl? And I also felt this was a passive aggressive way he was expressing to me that I don't clean enough or something. All the activities they do together are things that he should be doing with ME. NOT HER. This isn't about jealousy and this isn't me being worried I am going to be cheated on. I simply feel intensely annoyed & invaded and it's starting to turn into extreme anger. Like the other day, I returned home late morning to relax and enjoy some down time before going back to work. She had come over the night before (I didn't invite her, he did) and she was still there! Why? Like why are you still here - go home! I didn't say that to her though because they were watching tv so once again I put my fake smile on and tried to be nice...... that was until I started cleaning MY kitchen and then she literally and creepily walked over and replaced my position in the kitchen and assumed the cleaning...... oh and this was after she cleaned the whole house the day before because He had asked her to..... I looked at her and I said, " What are you doing, I got this" to which she replied "why are you getting angry I am just helping you" . I stormed away, grabbed my keys, and went for a 2 hour drive because this made me feel so uncomfortable in my own house that I had to get away. What makes everything worse is my boyfriend was completely clueless as to why I was upset. He sat there like a dummy when she literally kicked me out of my own kitchen. When I returned home hours later when she was finally gone, we got into a huge fight because he just didn't get it. We didn't talk the rest of the night and then the next morning he came to me and sincerely apologized. He admitted to me that he feels lonely sometimes, that he hasn't made very many good friends here yet, and that he can see how spending so much alone time with one other girl we're both friends with would make me this upset. I guess he just feels comfortable with her because she is familiar with our background or whatever. I think he feels safe or something with her but I really want him to branch out and make more friends, like I don't know...some guy friends maybe!?

 

Anyways, I know I have to talk to HER but I am STUMPED of where to start especially because believe it or not, I am a sensitive person, and I DO NOT want to hurt or feelings. She's probably lonely too. Deep down, I do care for her and I like a lot of things about her....I do consider her a friend but with all these behaviors making me feel flat out uncomfortable, I almost don't even want to be her friend anymore, and that makes me feel terrible. She knocked on the door at 1:30am last night too! Completely uninvited. I ran into the other room because I didn't feel ready to confront her yet, but now I wish I hadn't. She left on her own accord after he answered the door but man! I just feel extremely uncomfortable addressing this and I need some advice on what to say and how to say it...... with causing as little damage as possible. She is just way to comfortable being in MY SPACE with MY BOYFRIEND. Thanks and help.

[Edmund Exley]

You dont want to be "that girlfriend" but your whole post is about being exactly that.

 

Its OK that it bothers you. Its supposed to.

 

Tell him enough already.

[agent1607307371]

She's overstepping and he's helping her. I couldn't imagine inviting someone over to clean my house. And I couldn't imagine going if someone invited me over to do it.

 

I mean, she's staying overnight without your knowledge, taking over your house... it's time to put your foot down and tell him to get out and make other friends. Her helping him stay cosy in the house will not be helping with that.

 

This girl is not your friend.

[Ms Darcy]

So you have expressed your concerns to him now. I think you should state clearly what you are and are not comfortable with.

 

He's A grown man. If he doesn't have more boundaries, then you need to evaluate whether being with him is right for you long term.

[Wiseman2]

Wait, are you seriously competing with her to clean? If you live together and it's your house why is she always sleeping over and hanging out. Does your bf believe he has a threesome or polyamory deal going on?

 

Tell your bf to get hobbies, other friends, interests, a second job, whatever and stop using it as and excuse to undermine your household/relationship.

 

Grow a spine and stop worrying about "being the cool gf" until you blow up when you see crazy for what it is. And tell this "friend" she's not welcome in your house and to go get her own bf.

she invited her over to "clean" and hang out. He asked me first, which he always does, BUT WHY!? why must you spend all this time with another girl? And I also felt this was a passive aggressive way he was expressing to me that I don't clean enough or something. made me feel so uncomfortable in my own house that I had to get away.

[JaggerJim]

So what, she does not work? How come she has all this free time? How come he does too?

 

She wants to clean your house?! Is that not the biggest red flag that she is trying TO DO ANYTHING TO PLEASE HIM?

 

What's wrong with your boyfriend? Is he clueless or what?

[HeartGoesOn]

Anyways, I know I have to talk to HER but I am STUMPED of where to start especially because believe it or not, I am a sensitive person, and I DO NOT want to hurt or feelings.

 

The only one you have to talk to is your boyfriend, as he's the one that created this issue. Either way, my guess is he's simply playing dumb, in the hopes that you'll fall for this nonsense.

 

I would give him a swift kick to the curbing.

[notalady]

Sounds like he's got two girlfriends and he's loving it.

 

Don't put the blame on her, he's the one in the relationship with you, he's the one who should've set down boundaries and kept his distance. He hasn't done that, and not because he's clueless, but because he's loving this set up. Get real, no man is so clueless as to invite a female to come to his house and clean for him if there's nothing more going on between them.

 

Time to kick him to the curb I'll say. And get new friends.

[notalady]

Forgot to say, you are partly responsible too, since he asks you every time he hangs out with her, it has given you plenty of opportunities to set down boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable to you in a relationship, you haven't done that and tried to play the "cool girlfriend", now it's backfired and he's benefiting from all this, because well, you've never said no so what reason do you have now to say no?

 

Nothing cool about lack of boundaries.

[katrina1980]

 

Grow a spine and stop worrying about "being the cool gf" until you blow up when you see crazy for what it is. And tell this "friend" she's not welcome in your house and to go get her own bf.

 

Yeah, wanting to be the "cool girlfriend" ....um, NO!!!

 

Agree 100% with Mr. Wiseman ....had created a ten page thread awhile back about that very thing... and how detrimental it is.

 

Stand up for yourself girl, he and this chick are outta line and HE knows it!

[Batya33]

I would give him a chance to change his ways once you calmly explain the boundaries.

 

11 years ago my husband and I were newly dating and my male friend who I'd never dated (but had considered it, years earlier) wanted to hang out and meet my then boyfriend. But, he wanted the two of us to meet alone first for drinks as he had some personal things to discuss. Unusually, my husband said "no way" - he thought it was inappropriate of him to ask me to meet alone on a Friday night before we all met up. Honestly, I didn't entirely get it but it wasn't worth fighting that battle. As soon as I told my friend he completely understood and from then on went out of his way to get to know my husband and treat him thoughtfully and with respect. I think in your case it's a larger issue now but you can put a stop to this if you explain it calmly and confidently. Best of luck.

[katrina1980]

Agree with Batya, but not sure how *calm* I would be... especially since OP already expressed concern about it.

 

I wouldn't get psycho, but I would definitely be assertive!

 

Don't be afraid to get mad once in awhile, especially when warranted, which this is.

 

People need to stop *walking on eggshells* with their SOs, and making *nice* all the time.

 

All you get is more disrespect and crappy behavior.

 

Stand up for yourself for chrissakes.

 

If it takes getting a little mad, then so be it.

 

He will respect you for it, and if he doesn't, there's the door.

[JaggerJim]

Sounds like he's got two girlfriends and he's loving it.

 

Don't put the blame on her, he's the one in the relationship with you, he's the one who should've set down boundaries and kept his distance. He hasn't done that, and not because he's clueless, but because he's loving this set up. Get real, no man is so clueless as to invite a female to come to his house and clean for him if there's nothing more going on between them.

 

Time to kick him to the curb I'll say. And get new friends.

 

I agree. I think both woman are acting very desperate in this situation.

[Hope7]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 😡

[Hope7]

Acting desperate? Excuse me but it's MY boyfriend and if I am desperate to make him understand this isn't ok then so be it! If u wanna call it "desperate", be my guest. I'm just fighting for what's mine.

[JaggerJim]

Acting desperate? Excuse me but it's MY boyfriend and if I am desperate to make him understand this isn't ok then so be it! If u wanna call it "desperate", be my guest. I'm just fighting for what's mine.

 

It is desperate in my opinion. You shouldn't have to fight for anything, he should know how to handle a girlfriend and what's right and wrong.

[Hope7]

isnt desperation why ppl come to this site anyway?!!? You think I woke up today wanting to write on a ing website? God forbid I'm desperate to get some other opinions about a situation that has affected me deeply. Maybe you should be careful before throwing out the word "desperate" dude....

[Hope7]

I really want to thank everyone for their replies. While I may not agree

With everything that was said, everyone's responses really helped me paint a clearer picture. So thank you. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for reading my story and caring

[Hope7]

Thank you for this.

[JaggerJim]

I really want to thank everyone for their replies. While I may not agree

With everything that was said, everyone's responses really helped me paint a clearer picture. So thank you. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for reading my story and caring

 

You have a great weekend too. I enjoyed your story. Take Care.

[Hope7]

There is no polygymy deal or 3some deal with her. Hell no. Never. He knows that. If anything, I'm reading all these responses to my post and I'm thinking to myself that maybe I wasn't that crazy to start with. Because this scenario has bothered me since day 1 but the reason I never said anything was because I have been accused of being a in the past and just in general, people have told me I am a .... ( even though I don't think I am)

so, I don't want to come across as that, which is why I was trying to be a "cool gf", but everyone's right because it HAS backfired now and you are right- I do need to grow a spine! I can't believe I have let this go on for so long solely because it makes me too uncomfortable to deal with it. Thank you for the wake up call and for also expressing that I have a right to feel this way.

[katrina1980]

Acting desperate? Excuse me but it's MY boyfriend and if I am desperate to make him understand this isn't ok then so be it! If u wanna call it "desperate", be my guest. I'm just fighting for what's mine.

 

Hope7, see how assertive you were in this post^? You didn't agree with Jagger's assertion you are desperate and you stood up for yourself and assertively told him so and why.

 

You need to use that same feistiness and assert yourself with your bf in the same way, telling him it is not acceptable behavior for a bf and to knock it off. Period.

 

I don't agree you are desperate but I do agree with J that your bf should know better and you may wish to rethink this relationship.

 

Nevermind your *friend* who BTW is no friend. Your bf is acting beyond ridiculous and if he is so clueless not to realize that, you need to assert yourself and tell him and don't mince words.

 

It has been said so many times, but we teach people how to treat us.

 

Not tolerating their BS is one way to do that!

 

Good luck!

[90_hour_sleep]

I don't think it has a whole lot to do with right and wrong. There are as many ways to perceive and experience this world as there are people. "I'm right, you're wrong," polarizes people...and actually creates fertile ground for future resentments to grow. It doesn't bring people closer, which is ultimately what you want, right?

 

Bottom line, this bothers YOU. That is the only thing that matters. And there's something to be said for calmly asserting your boundaries. When you do this, someone who loves you will respect your position...and your feelings...and will work tirelessly to prioritize those things. That's the beauty of this kind of communication. Completely a two-way street...and it works to bring people closer through differences. It's also a test of character, and a way to prioritize and value yourself all the way. Win-win.

 

I think it's always worthwhile to take a step back (like you did by going for a drive). Never hurts to let the muddy waters clear up a smidge before we try to communicate effectively with someone. The goal is greater intimacy.

 

Sounds like you're well on your way. Hope it goes well for you!

[Hope7]

I don't think it has a whole lot to do with right and wrong. There are as many ways to perceive and experience this world as there are people. "I'm right, you're wrong," polarizes people...and actually creates fertile ground for future resentments to grow. It doesn't bring people closer, which is ultimately what you want, right?

 

Bottom line, this bothers YOU. That is the only thing that matters. And there's something to be said for calmly asserting your boundaries. When you do this, someone who loves you will respect your position...and your feelings...and will work tirelessly to prioritize those things. That's the beauty of this kind of communication. Completely a two-way street...and it works to bring people closer through differences. It's also a test of character, and a way to prioritize and value yourself all the way. Win-win.

 

I think it's always worthwhile to take a step back (like you did by going for a drive). Never hurts to let the muddy waters clear up a smidge before we try to communicate effectively with someone. The goal is greater intimacy.

 

Sounds like you're well on your way. Hope it goes well for you!

 

Thank you for this reply , it was very helpful 😊

[Hope7]

Thank you.