My bf & our mutual female friend always hang out alone & it's driving me crazy.

[missmarple]

If I were you, that girl would be out of my life by now. I have no patience for people who overstep their boundaries...and if my bf insisted on hanging out with her, he'd be out of my life as well.

Stop trying to be the 'cool' gf, it never works out.

[MissCanuck]

You're not out of line, OP. All of three of you have problems with boundaries, though.

 

Start drawing yours. There is no reason for them to be playing boyfriend-girlfriend when you're not around. There is no reason for him to invite her over to clean. There is no reason for you to leave your own house when she is there.

 

The way I see it, your boyfriend is the biggest problem here. He isn't respecting your feelings and he continues to get close to this girl. He has allowed you to feel like a 3rd party in your own relationship. Enough of that. I would not stand for it.

 

There is a big difference between being friends and essentially having a surrogate girlfriend. This looks a lot more like the latter.

[Jibralta]

Acting desperate? Excuse me but it's MY boyfriend and if I am desperate to make him understand this isn't ok then so be it! If u wanna call it "desperate", be my guest. I'm just fighting for what's mine.

 

I don't mean to put you down, but I kind of agree with JaggerJim about you acting desperate. What else would make you put up with something that you're uncomfortable with, and act the opposite of the way you feel? Why are you hiding your true feelings? Why have you allowed this to go on for so long? That's what reads as desperate in my opinion, not the fact that you're finally standing up for yourself.

 

Personally, I think you need to draw a line here. Be prepared to walk away if you don't get what you want. Also be prepared to see those two together if you two break up--and don't let that possibility stop you from doing what is right for you, either!

[catfeeder]

Personally, I think you need to draw a line here. Be prepared to walk away if you don't get what you want. Also be prepared to see those two together if you two break up--and don't let that possibility stop you from doing what is right for you, either!

 

I agree. I'd consider my Plan B before launching into Plan A. I wouldn't walk into a potential trap of expecting that BF's 'clueless act' has been legitimately clueless, or that he'll necessarily comply with my wishes. I wouldn't assume that BF hasn't cultivated this problem with his eyes closed.

 

So those are my givens, which means my outcome could go either way. BF might be respectful, supportive and invested in making changes to fix our relationship, or he may have become invested enough in WhutsHerName to make me out to be the 'Bad Guy' while he either insists on continuing to see her, or otherwise pretends that he's booting her only to see her behind my back.

 

So, I'd hope for the best, but I'd be prepared for the worst. For instance, how important is this particular job and location to you? Are you financially and geographically prepared to walk away from BF if this doesn't turn out as you'd hope?

 

I'd form my Plan B. Then rather than impose an ultimatum, I'd raise how uncomfortable I am with his relationship with WhutsHerName, and I'd ask him whether he's willing to do anything about that. Then I'd be quiet and listen. His response will tell me more if I do NOT fight with him. If he defends her or their relationship, I'd quietly hear him out--until he's done. Then I'd ask him again to think for the next half hour about what, exactly, he's willing to do to address my discomfort with her and invest in 'us' instead.

 

I'd let him think about that.

 

Within the half hour, if I don't hear from him a voluntary quit of 'her' and a sincere desire to invest in us, then there's nothing left to fight about. My Plan B to either exit and visit or stay with family or exit to a temporary room or hotel would already be lined up, and I'd quietly execute it--immediately.

 

Head high, and best wishes.