Long distance partner has unreasonable demands, unable to cope up

[pippy longstocking]

Doody.

 

You are only 30 years old. A better life awaits you in this new land, but it will require doing work on yourself, with help and support. Take every opportunity you can find to obtain help from the health services.

 

brilliant and I second this darling ... once you have sorted things with her you will lose a huge burden and a crap load of worrying then you can concentrate on you and getting yourself sorted out ... come on ..you can have a happy life .

[doody1000]

brilliant and I second this darling ... once you have sorted things with her you will lose a huge burden and a crap load of worrying then you can concentrate on you and getting yourself sorted out ... come on ..you can have a happy life .

 

I appreciate your encouragement, but do people with mental health issues really be happy? I mean....people never expect a man in a wheelchair to run a marathon, so why do they expect those like me to function 'normally', and criticise us for being 'weak and lazy'? I suppose most of the world us under the impression that those like me 'make stuff up' because mental health issues aren't 'visible'.

 

Also, it's very well known that mental disorders can't be cured, they can only be kept in check and can resurface at any time. And the world in general regards those like me as crazy, low life scum.

 

But yes, I need to at least try to lead a normal life.

[Hermes]

Now, now, doody.

 

That is self-deafeating talk!

 

there are many many people with mental health issues who live demanding lives, who work, and study. Treatment is available, and treatment works.

 

this is definitely not true, at all. There may be certain ignorant people who think like that, but they are not the norm.

 

"the world in general regards those like me as crazy, low life scum. "

 

You are not alone:

 

"At least 690,000 Australians live with complex mental illness (CMI), but an experience like CMI affects the lives of many people around the person with symptoms. For each person with CMI, it’s likely that five other people — families, friends, partners, colleagues and more — are affected. That makes four million Australians affected."

 

Link:

 

 

[chitown9]

Realtors don't seem to be doing much. They came up with some places but she didn't like them. Besides, this is for renting a place initially, so the relators simply say that I just need to choose from what they have on offer on their websites.

 

Wow! A realtor...a professional, cannot locate what she wants, yet she expects you to do it. That says a lot right there.:silly: chi

[pippy longstocking]

oh darling .... I haven't told anyone this because I wanted to hold something back haha so I hope only you and hermes read this , but I was diagnosed with BPD a year ago , I am already diagnosed bi polar and OCD and extreme anxiety .. then I believe as a result of all the mental health stuff my physical health took a tumble and I was diagnosed with M.E and chronic fatigue syndrome and I have arthritis in all of my joints . No one ..but no one has ever treated me like scum , and I embrace the crazy ..really I do ... I am an old stoned hippy dancing with the faeries and talking to the angels and I accept fully that I am what I am . I get so low , you know all about the self loathing I am sure , that I can't believe anyone ever would want to even hold me in their arms and kiss me , let alone have a relationship with me ...then in an instant my mood flips into a wonderful magical place that is full of all things good ...so when the lows hit I remind myself continually that it is the nature of the beast and it will pass ....I accept that this is how I feel , spinning through a different mood swing several times a day and been triggered by things other people wouldn't even consider . So I find my peace in nature and spirituality , I am an avid gardener and a photography enthusiast and I find my peace in these things . You have to have something ...be it a walk to feed the ducks or making paper planes ...you have to find something to ease your mind as much as you can

I am on a never ending list for therapy haha it is quite bad here , so I rely on my GP when I am in crisis because there is no one else , I am looking forward to getting to the top of the list because I know I too need help , I need to learn techniques to deal with the anger I feel and believe me , when I go , I really go ...I need help to get through the lows that are gutter level low .

So yes I do believe we can be happy but I think we have to accept that it wont go away completely , but can be managed ...... No fecker here or in real life is better then me , I don't care if they are the full cargo or mad as a box of frogs .. I own who I am and I am as deserving of a good and happy life as much as the next person and so are you .

[chitown9]

Hi there doody...just for clarification....are you bipolar or do you have borderline personality disorder? I am also wondering, although I guess it makes no difference, but she lives in America, but is not American. What country is she from? chi

[Tanzi]

Doody, I don't think this relationship is built to last. Regardless as to whether or not her demands are outrageous, she doesn't speak to you very respectfully. She certainly doesn't sound like a person in the throes of a new and exciting relationship and certainly not someone who wants to make a relationship work at any cost (even with her wagonloads of money). Personally, I think she is going to make things difficult for you in the hope that you will decide that it would actually be far easier if you moved to America.

 

Neither one of you can or really wants to move so it seems pointless putting yourselves through all this. Whichever way you look at this there is going to be too much resentment and bitterness for one reason or another. If things are this difficult only a few months in then things are only set to get much worse.

[Tanzi]

I am an old stoned hippy dancing with the faeries and talking to the angels and I accept fully that I am what I am .

 

And we all love you for it Pippy!!!!

[pippy longstocking]

And we all love you for it Pippy!!!!

 

aww bluey thankyou xxxxxx nice to see you about darling xxx

[pippy longstocking]

Hi there doody...just for clarification....are you bipolar or do you have borderline personality disorder? I am also wondering, although I guess it makes no difference, but she lives in America, but is not American. What country is she from? chi

 

I am sure he said borderline chi

[RainyCoast]

hyperanxiety, clinical depression and BPD are all 100% curable. they just don't disappear of their own accord.

 

also, there is plenty of help available for mental health patients in the developed world, males no less than females.

 

it's literally as easy as entering the name of your town plus "mental health community" into the search bar and calling the number that pops up. all they need to hear is that you are struggling and are new there with no social network of your own and you'll get an appointment.

 

i work at one. we have more males than females. we have people recover fully, and we have those who don't fully recover living lives in which happiness and fulfillment are anything but lacking.

 

we have patients who haven't improved in as long as 30 years recover really well in our care. you are not "effed up beyond happiness". with bpd, what you are is traumatized and besieged by affect that feels stronger than you. that can be worked with.

 

you've been coping with work stress and moved ON.YOUR.OWN. imagine what you can do with support.

[doody1000]

hyperanxiety, clinical depression and BPD are all 100% curable. they just don't disappear of their own accord.

 

also, there is plenty of help available for mental health patients in the developed world, males no less than females.

 

it's literally as easy as entering the name of your town plus "mental health community" into the search bar and calling the number that pops up. all they need to hear is that you are struggling and are new there with no social network of your own and you'll get an appointment.

 

i work at one. we have more males than females. we have people recover fully, and we have those who don't fully recover living lives in which happiness and fulfillment are anything but lacking.

 

we have patients who haven't improved in as long as 30 years recover really well in our care. you are not "effed up beyond happiness". with bpd, what you are is traumatized and besieged by affect that feels stronger than you. that can be worked with.

 

you've been coping with work stress and moved ON.YOUR.OWN. imagine what you can do with support.

 

Thank you so much, you give me hope!

[doody1000]

oh darling .... I haven't told anyone this because I wanted to hold something back haha so I hope only you and hermes read this , but I was diagnosed with BPD a year ago , I am already diagnosed bi polar and OCD and extreme anxiety .. then I believe as a result of all the mental health stuff my physical health took a tumble and I was diagnosed with M.E and chronic fatigue syndrome and I have arthritis in all of my joints . No one ..but no one has ever treated me like scum , and I embrace the crazy ..really I do ... I am an old stoned hippy dancing with the faeries and talking to the angels and I accept fully that I am what I am . I get so low , you know all about the self loathing I am sure , that I can't believe anyone ever would want to even hold me in their arms and kiss me , let alone have a relationship with me ...then in an instant my mood flips into a wonderful magical place that is full of all things good ...so when the lows hit I remind myself continually that it is the nature of the beast and it will pass ....I accept that this is how I feel , spinning through a different mood swing several times a day and been triggered by things other people wouldn't even consider . So I find my peace in nature and spirituality , I am an avid gardener and a photography enthusiast and I find my peace in these things . You have to have something ...be it a walk to feed the ducks or making paper planes ...you have to find something to ease your mind as much as you can

I am on a never ending list for therapy haha it is quite bad here , so I rely on my GP when I am in crisis because there is no one else , I am looking forward to getting to the top of the list because I know I too need help , I need to learn techniques to deal with the anger I feel and believe me , when I go , I really go ...I need help to get through the lows that are gutter level low .

So yes I do believe we can be happy but I think we have to accept that it wont go away completely , but can be managed ...... No fecker here or in real life is better then me , I don't care if they are the full cargo or mad as a box of frogs .. I own who I am and I am as deserving of a good and happy life as much as the next person and so are you .

 

Reading this actually made me shed a couple of tears, you know! You deserve the best.

[RainyCoast]

Thank you so much, you give me hope!

 

one of my favorite clients literally has a HOLE in his head from an accident. he is happy, witty, well-read, and a blast to be around.

 

all of them have multiple diagnoses.

 

mental health communities are great imo because you get everything in one place rather than having to go from person to person. they cover everything from counceling, social support, financial aid, medical appointments to systemic interventions in family crises. one of the worst things for an overwhelmed person is having to go from official to official, some of whom can have a nasty attitude.

 

in any case, stay on ena, many of us have a history of mental ilness. you'll be heard.

[doody1000]

Alright people, an update.

 

So she contacted me today, casually as always. I broke down and made it clear that things won't work because we are on totally different pages professionally, financially and physically, and I am unable to withstand pressure from all ends. I was expecting a backlash, but she was surprisingly understanding about it. She apologised and said she wouldn't pressurise me anymore. I told her that relationships should never be based on conditions, and we shouldn't be going ahead with it. So as it stands, we have decided to just put things on hold for now. And once I have sorted out my stress issues (which may take months), we'll have a talk again and see where it goes. But I made it clear that I won't be stressing myself out because of her anymore, and she agreed that I shouldn't.

[MissCanuck]

You did the right thing, OP.

 

I have a feeling she wouldn't have actually moved to Australia anyway. All of these unreasonable demands may have been her misguided way of making the situation so intolerable that you pulled the plug first. I still suspect she isn't exactly who she made herself out to be either. But, that's now a moot point.

 

It sounds like you have worked far too hard to get where you are today to be putting up with someone like her. Now you can devote that extra time and energy to taking care of yourself.

[pippy longstocking]

Reading this actually made me shed a couple of tears, you know! You deserve the best.

 

And so do you doody ..and that's why I wanted to share my stuff .

[pippy longstocking]

Alright people, an update.

 

So she contacted me today, casually as always. I broke down and made it clear that things won't work because we are on totally different pages professionally, financially and physically, and I am unable to withstand pressure from all ends. I was expecting a backlash, but she was surprisingly understanding about it. She apologised and said she wouldn't pressurise me anymore. I told her that relationships should never be based on conditions, and we shouldn't be going ahead with it. So as it stands, we have decided to just put things on hold for now. And once I have sorted out my stress issues (which may take months), we'll have a talk again and see where it goes. But I made it clear that I won't be stressing myself out because of her anymore, and she agreed that I shouldn't.

 

oh wow ...hope that has made you feel at least a little better to have got it all out . Massive well done for speaking up .

[doody1000]

You did the right thing, OP.

 

I have a feeling she wouldn't have actually moved to Australia anyway. All of these unreasonable demands may have been her misguided way of making the situation so intolerable that you pulled the plug first. I still suspect she isn't exactly who she made herself out to be either. But, that's now a moot point.

 

It sounds like you have worked far too hard to get where you are today to be putting up with someone like her. Now you can devote that extra time and energy to taking care of yourself.

 

I know what you mean, I just can't afford to stress myself over her anymore.

[doody1000]

oh wow ...hope that has made you feel at least a little better to have got it all out . Massive well done for speaking up .

 

Yes, it feels so much lighter. She said that she didn't realise I was going through so much, and thought I was whining. Anyway, what happens with me and her in the future, does not really concern me much anymore, I just need to get better myself and focus on building a career. If it works with her, it does. If not, no problems. But I don't want to stress myself out.

[pippy longstocking]

Yes, it feels so much lighter. She said that she didn't realise I was going through so much, and thought I was whining. Anyway, what happens with me and her in the future, does not really concern me much anymore, I just need to get better myself and focus on building a career. If it works with her, it does. If not, no problems. But I don't want to stress myself out.

 

 

Thought you was just whining !! that speaks volumes about how much she knows you and knows how you tick . I imagine it will probably just fade into nothing now , which I imagine suits you just fine . As you said , this is about you now .

[catfeeder]

We did break up many times, but got together again because she accused me of 'not trying and just giving up'.

 

So you're staying involved with someone because you don't like her accusations?

 

I'd let her keep them to herself, and I'd change my phone number.

 

This has disaster written all over it. I'd bail, and I'd gladly concede to the notion that I'm "not trying, just giving up..."

 

Uhm, yes. Guilty as charged. Bye-bye.

[lifesatrip]

I think you should cut all ties. I don't think you should consider getting back together with her. It sounds extremely toxic. And she sounds incredibly self-centered and arrogant and selfish. You don't know each other well enough to really know each other if you've only spent a few months together in person. She sounds like she could be very manipulative and may be just pretending to be understanding now so she doesn't loose you completely. I would not trust her. I would not make any sacrifices for her. She sounds very narcissistic, and sometimes narcissists and other abusive people really know how to make you feel like there was a real connection when there wasn't by catering to what they think you want in a person. They are very good at reading people and manipulating a romantic situation that feels incredible and real. And the fact that you held on partly because you were afraid of facing her accusations that you "gave up" indicates to me that you are likely susceptible to such people and their manipulations at this point in your life. Relationships end all the time. It takes a strong person to leave a bad relationship. The easier thing is to "give up" on leaving and just stay.

[katrina1980]

OP, other opinions aside, the only thing you should be concerned about is why YOU are choosing to remain in this toxic situation, and I say that only because it has become quite clear that you and this woman are about as incompatible as two people could be!

 

Just end it for chrissakes.... what 's preventing you from doing this?

 

This "relationship* is on the fast track to nowhere.

[doody1000]

I think you should cut all ties. I don't think you should consider getting back together with her. It sounds extremely toxic. And she sounds incredibly self-centered and arrogant and selfish. You don't know each other well enough to really know each other if you've only spent a few months together in person. She sounds like she could be very manipulative and may be just pretending to be understanding now so she doesn't loose you completely. I would not trust her. I would not make any sacrifices for her. She sounds very narcissistic, and sometimes narcissists and other abusive people really know how to make you feel like there was a real connection when there wasn't by catering to what they think you want in a person. They are very good at reading people and manipulating a romantic situation that feels incredible and real. And the fact that you held on partly because you were afraid of facing her accusations that you "gave up" indicates to me that you are likely susceptible to such people and their manipulations at this point in your life. Relationships end all the time. It takes a strong person to leave a bad relationship. The easier thing is to "give up" on leaving and just stay.

 

I get what you mean. We aren't talking much now anyway, and that spart seems to be all but gone. Looks like things will simply fade away soon.