Long distance partner has unreasonable demands, unable to cope up

[milly007]

Hi OP, I agree with pippy...don't let anyone's posts here bring you down. The fact is, we're not in your shoes; nor do we have all the facts. But one thing's for sure - this relationship isn't doing you any good. In fact, it seems to be bringing you down and creating unnecessary stress. Relationships should be healthy, happy and non-toxic. Sure, relationships have ups and downs, but at the end of the day, the good should outweigh the bad.

 

In all honesty, it sounds like just focusing on yourself would be the best bet right now. Your mental health is definitely a priority and so is your job. It would basically be impossible for you to invest in a relationship when you first have to invest in yourself. Make yourself the priority here and find your happy place before you invest in a relationship.

[Hollyj]

Personally, I don't think this is a ridiculous demand, especially considering the fact that she agreed to your 'demand' of leaving her job and home to move to Australia. It's much easier for you to search for places than it would be for her--not unreasonable at all for her to expect you to do the looking. Frankly, you come off as somebody who feels sorry for himself, and as a person who is a bit prone to right-fighting and guilt tripping to get his way. You can't bean-count your way to a successful relationship.

 

I agree! So much sacrifice on her part, and not yours. I don't think that you work 7 days a week.

 

Listen, if you have only known one another a couple of months, and split multiple times. it will not work! Time to end this for good. You don't even know this woman!

[Hollyj]

Perhaps, knowing what she needs will change your opinion about this:

No carpets in the house

Bathrooms should be fully white

No tiles anywhere except bathroom

Big kitchen

Minimum 2 bedrooms

At least 100 square metres

 

And yeah, I could have easily found a place that satisfied SOME of these requirements, but not all. Especially when she even gave me a deadline, and said I should fix it before that day. I'm friggin' all alone here, with ABSOLUTELY no one to help me out. No contacts, no friends, nothing. I never 'demanded' her to move. It was a mutual decision taken by both of us. I'm in my probation period (which means, I can't take leaves), so I just get ONE day in a week (Saturday) to find a place. And sometimes they are spaced so far apart, and I need to use public transport because I don't have a car yet. And I think you are one of those who are blissfully unaware that mental health issues are a thing. I am barely functional. And I told her this before we got into a relationship, so she KNEW about my limitation. I never gave false hopes.

 

Oh, and I am pretty sure you never bothered reading other comments, and just jumped to a conclusion to blame me. Tell me something. You are in a new country, with a new job which is extremely stressful, you are under probation (which means they can let you go at any time), you have ZERO friends and family there, you suffer from mental health issues, and you are also under pressure to find a place with VERY specific requirements within a deadline. Could you handle it? If you answer 'yes' to this, you are either a superhuman, or you are totally oblivious to this type of situation.

 

I never asked or expected her to search places here, I just told her I can't withstand so much of stress at once, and I can find some temporary place, and later on we could find a place suited for her needs. I even said I can let go of security deposit and break the lease agreement, but she did not budge. She wanted a place that satisfied her requirements, before she landed here.

 

Why haven't you engaged a realtor. This is what they do.

[RainyCoast]

has she applied for jobs in your area?

 

otherwise...it might be a case of setting the bar higher than you are able to jump precisely for the purpose of making the move - and the commitment- impossible.

 

tell him to make me a cambric shirt...

without no seems nor needle-work...

then he'll be a true love of mine...

[pippy longstocking]

doody , hope you ok , you haven't come back on . I hope you find the strength to end it and set yourself free from this worry and this stress that is hanging over you x

[doody1000]

OP, a question from a little detail you mentioned:

 

She has specifications about the bathroom colour and tiling in the potential home. But...if she comes from boatloads of money and earned a lot in her previous job, would she not also have the disposable income to make the desired renovations after she arrives? Those I know who have a lot of money generally aren't averse to making adjustments to their future abodes. In fact, many rather enjoy doing so.

 

So my question is, are you sure she has the background she claims? In other words, have you been able to verify what she has told you about herself? What type of work does she do? How does she plan to gain entry/residency in Australia?

 

Initially, it was about renting a place. First, she was ok with staying somewhere temporarily, and then buying the type of place she needs (and renovating if necessary). But then she started saying that she needs to live in such a place from day 1. And obviously, places already built can't be renovated.

 

I have seen her payslips (I asked those to be able to secure a place here), so yes there does seem to be truth on what she claims.

[doody1000]

Why haven't you engaged a realtor. This is what they do.

 

Realtors don't seem to be doing much. They came up with some places but she didn't like them. Besides, this is for renting a place initially, so the relators simply say that I just need to choose from what they have on offer on their websites.

[doody1000]

doody , hope you ok , you haven't come back on . I hope you find the strength to end it and set yourself free from this worry and this stress that is hanging over you x

 

Thanks a lot for your concern. I am fine, just had a good sleep. The thing is, we used to be inseparable over calls/Skype/text, but since yesterday neither of us have contacted each other. So I think I have to let it stay this way for now, and when she contacts me, I'll just have to tell her that I thought about it and it won't work. And if neither of us contact each other again, I think that may be even better.

[pippy longstocking]

It is easy to be inseparable over the internet isn't it ..the reality can be so cruel in comparison ..glad you ok and got some rest ...I have to remember the huge time gap we are on lol

[doody1000]

It is easy to be inseparable over the internet isn't it ..the reality can be so cruel in comparison ..glad you ok and got some rest ...I have to remember the huge time gap we are on lol

 

You're so damn right. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up to this cruel world again. I have no one here, and the loneliness is killing me. I have trust issues and social anxiety as well, which makes it very hard for me to socialise. I honestly don't have any hope. I thought that this woman brought be new hope and purpose, but it wasn't meant to be. Seriously, people with mental health issues, especially men, shouldn't be living. We don't get help, and people laugh at us for not being strong enough.

[Hermes]

I just want to end it, but I don't know how because I'm kind of soft hearted, and she'll just blame me and say that I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her if I couldn't handle it.

 

Doody. Don't let anyone guilt trip you. And don't compare yourself to anyone. This woman sounds like a nightmare.

 

and Doody, in Australia I cannot imagine that there are not services where you can get some help and support with mental health issues. Even talking through those issues would be enormously beneficial and encouraging.

 

Try not to get down-hearted. Fortunately, the world is NOT full of individuals like that woman.

[PaintWithLight]

You're so damn right. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up to this cruel world again. I have no one here, and the loneliness is killing me. I have trust issues and social anxiety as well, which makes it very hard for me to socialise. I honestly don't have any hope. I thought that this woman brought be new hope and purpose, but it wasn't meant to be. Seriously, people with mental health issues, especially men, shouldn't be living. We don't get help, and people laugh at us for not being strong enough.

 

Get some help from the mental health service is Oz. And then distance yourself from this toxic woman. You had a holiday fling which turned into an LDR nightmare. Find a new local woman to spend time with. You are too close to this situation to see what a losing proposition it is for you. Cut her loose and live life!

[doody1000]

I just want to end it, but I don't know how because I'm kind of soft hearted, and she'll just blame me and say that I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with her if I couldn't handle it.

 

Doody. Don't let anyone guilt trip you. And don't compare yourself to anyone. This woman sounds like a nightmare.

 

and Doody, in Australia I cannot imagine that there are not services where you can get some help and support with mental health issues. Even talking through those issues would be enormously beneficial and encouraging.

 

Try not to get down-hearted. Fortunately, the world is NOT full of individuals like that woman.

 

Thank you!

The thing is, I am new here, and I come from a backward country where things worked totally differently. I don't know how I should seek help here. I mean....I need a start, and everything seems different and confusing. I have no one to guide me, and I have trouble figuring some stuff out due the culture shock.

[Hermes]

Doody. Australia has an excellent help service. People in the medical field from my own country are going over there in droves to work for the Australian health service!

 

Start by going to a local primary care centre (see a GP), explain yourself and they WILL help you, for sure.

 

 

 

I take it you are working, I think you said you had a job. If so, ask your employer about health services available.

 

Just a very general overview:

 

Australia has a universal health care structure, with the federal government paying a large part of the cost of health services, including those in public hospitals. The amount paid by the federal government includes:

 

patient health costs based on the Medicare benefits schedule. Typically, Medicare covers 75% of general practitioner, 85% of specialist and 100% of public in-hospital costs.

 

 

I haven't been to Australia, but (depending where you came from) I can imagine it is all new and different.

 

Don't hesitate to reach out for assistance, Doody.

 

Have you had a word with the Consulate of your country of origin (if there is such a consulate in Australia)?

 

 

Also,

 

 

[doody1000]

Doody. Australia has an excellent help service. People in the medical field from my own country are going over there in droves to work for the Australian health service!

 

Start by going to a local primary care centre (see a GP), explain yourself and they WILL help you, for sure.

 

 

 

I take it you are working, I think you said you had a job. If so, ask your employer about health services available.

 

Just a very general overview:

 

Australia has a universal health care structure, with the federal government paying a large part of the cost of health services, including those in public hospitals. The amount paid by the federal government includes:

 

patient health costs based on the Medicare benefits schedule. Typically, Medicare covers 75% of general practitioner, 85% of specialist and 100% of public in-hospital costs.

 

 

I haven't been to Australia, but (depending where you came from) I can imagine it is all new and different.

 

Don't hesitate to reach out for assistance, Doody.

 

Have you had a word with the Consulate of your country of origin (if there is such a consulate in Australia)?

 

 

Also,

 

 

 

Thank you!

 

I don't think my employer can help here. No medical insurance/cover was mentioned in my contract. Besides, my employer is also a major cause of my stress. I was jobless and desperately seeking my first break, so they took advantage of my situation and expect stuff from me which is unrealistic to say the least.

 

I do have government medical cover though, I just don't know how to use it. Looks like I should start by going to a local GP, as per your post.

 

Thanks once again. I feel that the damage is too deep, and I may even need to check into rehab.

[Hermes]

Doody. I understand that in order to first get into Australia you have to have an employment contract.? what happened?

 

If you, as an immigrant, are being exploited, then the place to approach is whatever immigration authority or agency exists where you are.

 

Just wondering and wanted to enquire (you don't have to clarify) but in what circles did you meet this American millionairess?

Was she aware of your status in Australia.

[doody1000]

Doody. I understand that in order to first get into Australia you have to have an employment contract.? what happened?

 

If you, as an immigrant, are being exploited, then the place to approach is whatever immigration authority or agency exists where you are.

 

No, I entered the country as a Permanent Resident, through the skills based immigration program. So I actually arrived without a job, and struggled for almost 6 months doing minimum wage jobs before getting my first skilled job (where I currently work).

 

I'll have to simply seek out another job. But the thing is, getting a job could take months, and I can't risk quitting my current job before having another job offer.

 

We just accidentally met at a cafe, started talking, and hit it off. She isn't American though, she just lives and works there. She knows about my status. The thing is, because she agreed to move here for a few years, I have to do everything else the way she wants. And my confidence and self respect has taken a hit because her achievements/wealth is so stratospheric that I'll have to live in her shadows probably all my life. I can't do that because what I have achieved is significant on it's own, especially since I never had the financial backup and resources she always did.

[pippy longstocking]

Doody I just want you to know that we do understand the mental health and you are not alone ...a lot of us have experience with this . I know what this will have done to you , how it triggers the spiral down into hopelessness and despair , how it makes you feel like there is no point . I also know how much stress she put on you , quite frankly she would have stressed the crap out of me with all her needs and then to have to uproot after 3 years anyway ..it is too much for you . It is very hard to plan like that with mental health , to commit yourself to such huge changes and very hard to meet the needs of others . I can't even arrange something 24 hours in advance .

You are in one of these gut wrenching situations where you have to end it with someone you thought was going to enhance your life , become your partner , share everything with and you have to give it all up because you know it is all wrong ..thus bringing all the feelings of loss and loneliness to the surface ..and now you find yourself facing what you feel is a lonely future with no one to turn to . It is a horrible place for anyone to be in , never mind someone with a personality disorder to deal with . Everything is so huge when you have BPD and every emotion is extreme .

Maybe it is time for an admission into hospital , you most definitely do need some help to get you through and I am glad hermes is posting what to do , I have no idea about Australia .

[Hermes]

I see.

 

I understand the job difficulty, and I do hope you find something more suitable and less exploitative soon.

 

In your place I'd be very wary of this woman who lvies in the U.S.A.

[doody1000]

Doody I just want you to know that we do understand the mental health and you are not alone ...a lot of us have experience with this . I know what this will have done to you , how it triggers the spiral down into hopelessness and despair , how it makes you feel like there is no point . I also know how much stress she put on you , quite frankly she would have stressed the crap out of me with all her needs and then to have to uproot after 3 years anyway ..it is too much for you . It is very hard to plan like that with mental health , to commit yourself to such huge changes and very hard to meet the needs of others . I can't even arrange something 24 hours in advance .

You are in one of these gut wrenching situations where you have to end it with someone you thought was going to enhance your life , become your partner , share everything with and you have to give it all up because you know it is all wrong ..thus bringing all the feelings of loss and loneliness to the surface ..and now you find yourself facing what you feel is a lonely future with no one to turn to . It is a horrible place for anyone to be in , never mind someone with a personality disorder to deal with . Everything is so huge when you have BPD and every emotion is extreme .

Maybe it is time for an admission into hospital , you most definitely do need some help to get you through and I am glad hermes is posting what to do , I have no idea about Australia .

 

Glad you understand my situation. I really feel that I should at least check in to rehab, but that means I lose my job (I am under probation), and even if I recover, Ill' have to go through the extremely stressful job hunting process again.

 

I should probably try seeking therapy as an outpatient initially. Because the loss of a job is just not something I can risk at the moment. I'd rather lose my life than my job.

[Hermes]

Come now, Doody. It won't be that bad. I think seeking therapy on an outpatient basis is a very good idea. You will get good advice and hopefully make progress.

Good luck!

[pippy longstocking]

Glad you understand my situation. I really feel that I should at least check in to rehab, but that means I lose my job (I am under probation), and even if I recover, Ill' have to go through the extremely stressful job hunting process again.

 

I should probably try seeking therapy as an outpatient initially. Because the loss of a job is just not something I can risk at the moment. I'd rather lose my life than my job.

 

In which case I agree , outpatients is the way forward , I didn't realise all that was at stake .. and that wont do any good to then come out of hospital to then be faced with no job etc ...

[doody1000]

Come now, Doody. It won't be that bad. I think seeking therapy on an outpatient basis is a very good idea. You will get good advice and hopefully make progress.

Good luck!

 

 

Thanks a million!

[doody1000]

In which case I agree , outpatients is the way forward , I didn't realise all that was at stake .. and that wont do any good to then come out of hospital to then be faced with no job etc ...

 

I know. I should seek therapy, and also start seeking a different job immediately.

[Hermes]

Doody.

 

You are only 30 years old. A better life awaits you in this new land, but it will require doing work on yourself, with help and support. Take every opportunity you can find to obtain help from the health services.

 

Some info for the Sydney area.