How did you know they were "the one".

[thornz]

My husband was very first and only date. I had no experience or expectation at all . I did no dating until I was 22 almost 23 years old . So it was really rather odd . I had no experience because I was terrified and horrified of men to be truthful . But he came along and made me trust them once again . I didn't know that at first meeting of course .

 

Did you feel comfortable on your first date with him? Did you trust him?

[Seraphim]

Did you feel comfortable on your first date with him? Did you trust him?

Yes . He was the sweetest most shy guy around. He all but stumbled over himself to do things right. But he had no clue about my life until about 6 months in when we got more intimate. I felt I owed him that. He sobbed. He didn't know why people were that vicious to children. I knew FOR SURE he was the right man for me when he had compassion and NO judgement of me.

[Ms Darcy]

I thought my ex was the one, looking back on it now I don't know how I could possibly have entertained the idea of it, he was so wrong for me in almost every way, but certainly he was the wake up call I needed.

 

That's what I mean about the "time will tell." Sometimes ... time and not the feeling "right now" will tell.

[Hermes]

No one half-way sane could imagine that on first meeting a man one would immediately know he is Mr. Right. However, the fairy-tale of "love at first sight" is still believed by a vast number of people. A myth.

 

LOL Thornz.

 

"I feel like maybe he is too good a catch to just throw away "

 

He isn't a fish, T. What is a "good catch" anyhow.

 

Sure a tasty salmon or trout is a good catch.

[Seraphim]

We also shared the same morality , the same beliefs and the same lifestyle goals. We had more or less the same 60's, 70's and 80's upbringing.

[Seraphim]

No one half-way sane could imagine that on first meeting a man one would immediately know he is Mr. Right. However, the fairy-tale of "love at first sight" is still believed by a vast number of people. A myth.

 

Then I am not half way sane. But I know my experience and I know what happened in my mind. We are also still together.

[Seraphim]

But my non sane way found me an awesome man who I love dearly.

[notalady]

I thought my ex was the one, looking back on it now I don't know how I could possibly have entertained the idea of it, he was so wrong for me in almost every way, but certainly he was the wake up call I needed.

 

How do you mean, there were aspects of the guy you had to wait and see?

 

You could "think" someone is the one and still be unsure and for them to turn out to be the completely wrong person for you. Confusing? Lol

 

My ex and my longest relationship of 2.5 years, I was convinced he was the one because we seemed to have so much common interests and worlds views, but I wasn't thinking about red flags. In hindsight he showed red flags very early on, 2-3 months in we were already having arguments triggered by either him criticising me or getting annoyed at me for some minor thing I said or did. I put it down to "all relationships need work" and "it just takes time to get used to each other". As time goes on these issues continue to happen, also I found we had very different values, especially regarding family (which is very important to me but he's the complete opposite), but I wasn't focused on those either.

 

I had a lot of doubts but at the same time, another part of me was, for some reason, convinced that we will get married (and he did too actually). I kept resorting to the fact that we're so good at talking it out and kept thinking "we just need more time to work out the kinks". I need to be able to see myself living with him to see things moving towards marriage but I couldn't when we already had so many conflicts when we don't live together, so I thought, maybe given time I might be able to see it. That's what I mean by wait and see, I did a lot of waiting and seeing if things will get better, and they didn't.

 

He wasn't a bad guy but we just had so many incompatible values and personality clashes, I learned a big lesson about compatibility then.

 

After we broke up and I went back into online dating, at one point I came on here to ask about a date of mine and the good people of ENA made me realise I really need to focus on red flags and deal breakers very early on, like first 3 dates. And continue to focus on finding any red flags and assessing compatibility.

 

Every guy I met since then (that went past the first date) showed red flags within the first 3-5 dates. The last guy I dated for 6 months (longest of my dates since my LTR), came on very strong at the start, I was wary but didn't write him off because I liked him. He was showing various red flags in the first few months and I thought he wasn't an upstanding guy. But I, again, decided to give it more time to wait and see. He freaked out about commitment a few months in, and it was hot and cold, break up and make up for a few months before I finally decided this is ridiculous and the most unhealthy "relationship" I've ever been in, so I cut him off for good.

 

Back to the drawing board I went. But I felt good that I learned so many lessons and reinforced again that I really need to not only identify, but act on red flags early, not "wait and see". Also that I really needed to be clearer (in my mind) about my deal breakers and my values so I know when someone is incompatible sooner rather than later.

 

I met my current boyfriend shortly after breaking up with the 6-month-guy. He was attractive and a total gentleman on the first date, he felt friendly and comfortable to be around but I didn't feel any chemistry. I know that I feel chemistry when there's a lot of joking and laughing on the date, and there wasn't a lot of that. So I gave it another date, it was better and we got along just fine, but still not a lot of joking and laughing. A similar sense of humour is very important to me, so I thought for a few days about whether to go on a third date, I just had this feeling that there's more to him than meets the eye, humour wise.

 

I also reminded myself that, all the guys that didn't work out were funny and made me laugh very early on, they brought their A game, threw out all the tricks (humour) in their bags, and I later found that's all there is, and we actually had very different sense of humour, they actually took life and themselves very seriously (complete opposite to me).

 

After a third date with my boyfriend, we both got more comfortable and were joking a lot more, also the set up allowed us to relax and talk more, it was a really good date. And everything just took off from there. Of course I was mindful about red flags throughout dating. Usually red flags show up in the first 3-4 months, so I was super vigilant during that time.

 

There was literally zero red flags. We had similar values, similar goals, similar sense of humour, personality gelled very well. He was always consistent, no changes in behaviour (which would've indicated someone wasn't being him/herself to start with). I met his family after 2 months because they happened to be in town visiting, they were awesome, at 4 month I felt it was the right time to have him meet mine, my dad who never liked any of my ex's really liked him, I wasn't surprised but it did cement in my mind that this might be the guy for me.

 

One year and four months in, he's still the same respectful, thoughtful guy I thought he was on date one and we're still like two peas in a pod. He enhances my life and I feel like this is a partnership. Not only I can see myself living with him, I'm excited to see what that will be like because I think it will be awesome (something I've never felt about anyone before).

 

That's how I knew he's the right guy for me. Based on not only chemistry and attraction, but mostly compatibility.

[Hermes]

And so we then moved on to getting engaged. And no, he did not go on bended knee! lol.

 

(We did keep in touch, and no not every day. When we met up again, we kind of took up where we had left off.)

 

We are very different people. Neither of us is a copy of the other. And that suits us fine. Very adult, we've both lived, been there done that.

[Jibralta]

I can't say there was ever a moment where I said, "This is The One!" Rather, I've never felt like I needed to escape. That's big for me.

 

It feels good in this relationship. I want to stay more than anything. There is a steady stream of respect flowing from me to him. It's been there from the beginning. I like the way he handles things. I like his sense of humor. I like him. Well, I love him. But it's really nice to also like the person that you love. This is somebody that I would be friends with. Who I am friends with.

 

More and more, we are becoming partners in everything. I don't know what I would do without him. I'd be gutted. It's scary.

[Capricorn3]

I am the type to doubt everything, if I ever met someone who I didn't have doubts about I would doubt my sanity haa.

Ahhh.... now THAT is an issue you are going to have to deal with and sort out if you ever want a relationship to be happy, healthy and successful.

[notalady]

I'm glad, I just want sensible ideas, I'm not much for romance.

 

Since you talked about dating rationally and wanted sensible ideas, I'll share what I did when I was dating. Aside from attraction and chemistry, to assess compatibility, I would write down my observations / characterisation of this person after each date, the good and the "bad". By bad I mean potential flaws or red / yellow flags like:

 

Good:

Seems generous

Funny

Seems to have good relationship with family

 

Bad:

Seems impatient

Seems very competitive

 

Then I would keep adding or removing things from the list as I go on more dates. Interestingly, I've rarely removed things that I wrote down from the first 3-5 dates, which means that my observations were quite accurate right from the start. Writing them down help me remember, particularly so that I don't forget / ignore the "bad" if we happen to be having a good time. It helps me assess compatibility more logically.

 

Then it's a process of elimination. If anything on the bad list is a deal breaker for me (think incompatible values or goals, personality clash), or is a big red flag (character issues, dodgy behaviour), I'll stop dating them. A lot of them got eliminated that way.

 

If I'm not sure about something, I'll keep observing. Given more time, I'll come to a conclusion whether it's a big deal to me or not. My boyfriend has a few flaws (as we all do) that I observed quite early on and did write down, but over a few months it became obvious that it's not a big deal to me at all and is something I can live with.

 

Most importantly in this process is you have to be honest with yourself, have to be as unbiased as possible and not make excuses for the "bad" in favour of the good. Sometimes that's hard to do if you really like the guy, but I find it it certainly helps you make a more informed decision.

[IAmFCA]

Since you talked about dating rationally and wanted sensible ideas, I'll share what I did when I was dating. Aside from attraction and chemistry, to assess compatibility, I would write down my observations / characterisation of this person after each date, the good and the "bad". By bad I mean potential flaws or red / yellow flags like:

 

Good:

Seems generous

Funny

Seems to have good relationship with family

 

Bad:

Seems impatient

Seems very competitive

 

Then I would keep adding or removing things from the list as I go on more dates. Interestingly, I've rarely removed things that I wrote down from the first 3-5 dates, which means that my observations were quite accurate right from the start. Writing them down help me remember, particularly so that I don't forget / ignore the "bad" if we happen to be having a good time. It helps me assess compatibility more logically.

 

Then it's a process of elimination. If anything on the bad list is a deal breaker for me (think incompatible values or goals, personality clash), or is a big red flag (character issues, dodgy behaviour), I'll stop dating them. A lot of them got eliminated that way.

 

If I'm not sure about something, I'll keep observing. Given more time, I'll come to a conclusion whether it's a big deal to me or not. My boyfriend has a few flaws (as we all do) that I observed quite early on and did write down, but over a few months it became obvious that it's not a big deal to me at all and is something I can live with.

 

Most importantly in this process is you have to be honest with yourself, have to be as unbiased as possible and not make excuses for the "bad" in favour of the good. Sometimes that's hard to do if you really like the guy, but I find it it certainly helps you make a more informed decision.

 

First I've heard of this suggestion implemented at Date 1 and continued thereafter. When did you call the question with respect to the man you're dating, and stop making a list?

[Ms Darcy]

I can't say there was ever a moment where I said, "This is The One!" Rather, I've never felt like I needed to escape. That's big for me.

 

It feels good in this relationship. I want to stay more than anything. There is a steady stream of respect flowing from me to him. It's been there from the beginning. I like the way he handles things. I like his sense of humor. I like him. Well, I love him. But it's really nice to also like the person that you love. This is somebody that I would be friends with. Who I am friends with.

 

More and more, we are becoming partners in everything. I don't know what I would do without him. I'd be gutted. It's scary.

 

I think this is the most similar to my own perspective.

[notalady]

First I've heard of this suggestion implemented at Date 1 and continued thereafter. When did you call the question with respect to the man you're dating, and stop making a list?

 

Sorry I don't know what you mean by call the question? Or is that a typo?

 

I found the need to update / refer to the list became less and less as the picture of who he is became clearer to me as time went on and I was happy to accept who he showed himself to be. I rarely used the list anymore by about 4 months and around 5-6 months I think, I pretty much stopped looking at it all together. Not a conscious decision, just came to a natural stop as I didn't need it anymore.

 

Interestingly, I never stopped using the list in the 6 months I dated the last guy, because I was continually unsure about whether I should keep dating him.

 

I often found that in the past, my observations about someone was the most accurate in the first few dates, when we've just met and the observations weren't swayed by emotions because I hadn't developed feelings for them. When I didn't used to write them down, I would forget (or only selectively remember) some things as emotions come into play. So that's why I've found it very helpful to start writing it down from date 1.

[tattoobunnie]

Did you feel comfortable on your first date with him? Did you trust him?

 

I should also add when I broke up with him when we were 18, I called his manhood tiny, and burned any pictures I had of him.

 

So really, nothing will directly tell if it anything will work out in the long run, or how they will change in 5 years or 10. How you will be to eachother with children, or years without kids. Marriage and commitment are choices. Building intimacy takes time and effort and an open mind. How you are plays a direct role in if they are the one for you as well.

[Hermes]

Very important Jibralta.

 

"But it's really nice to also like the person that you love."

[Jibralta]

Interestingly, I never stopped using the list in the 6 months I dated the last guy, because I was continually unsure about whether I should keep dating him.

 

I often found that in the past, my observations about someone was the most accurate in the first few dates, when we've just met and the observations weren't swayed by emotions because I hadn't developed feelings for them.

 

I think this would be a useful exercise for anyone who wants to start trusting themselves, but isn't sure how.

 

I also like how it gives you something to refer back to when your hormones start doing your thinking for you!!

[femaleanomaly]

I am curious, those of you who are happily married/in committed life partnerships, was there a specific moment you knew or realised this person was right for you? How did you know?

 

This doesn't sound particularly romantic but I consciously decided he was "the one". I knew I loved him, I knew he was an exceptional person, I knew he would never cheat on me, I knew we were complete opposites and were bound to butt heads at some point in our relationship (and we have), but I decided it didn't matter. Through thick and through thin I chose him and I would chose him again and again if I was give the choice. There was no magical voice in my ear urging me to go forward. Just me, making a firm decision to take that step.

[thornz]

Thanks for your responses everyone, you have given me lots to think about.

 

Jibralta, Yes I do like him, very much, even when I am frustrated with him or the relationship, even when we were having a make or break talk last night I was very aware of how much I admire and like him and that if our talk results in a break up I wanted to enjoy what could potentially be our last bit of time together (we went out for a meal lol). I do not feel the urge to run away, unlike all my previous relationships, his attentions don't make me feel suffocated. I do respect him also, which again is a rarity for me in relationships!

 

Capricorn, I think that my lack of confidence in my own judgement and my anxious nature really doesn't do me any favours and I have been working on this with my counsellor. I have come a long way but there are still issues, I feel this relationship has given me the opportunity to progress massively and as I have got to know him over time I have become more certain that he is as decent as I thought and I am more confident in my character assessment. Plus my friends met him and agree that he is 'normal' and lovely. I am becoming more trusting of myself, particularly in the past two months.

 

 

Femaleanomaly, I guess it might be a conscious (or sub-conscious) choice to stay with this person every day, even the not so good days. We had a discussion recently where he mentioned that I chose him and he chose me. I have chosen him everyday since I first visited his house. Sometimes against my natural instincts! He refers to me as a 'flight risk'.

 

Hermes, he MUST be a fish, I met him on plenty of fish lol. I think a flashy proposal would be a deal-breaker for me haa. Get up off your knee, you're making a scene!

 

Victoria, we do seem to share a lot of aspirations in life, he ticked all the pre-requisites I had in order to consider somebody seriously. I had a check list if you will, quite an unusual one and he happened to be the first man I spoke to (perhaps ever) who ticked all the boxes. I couldn't believe it!

 

Yes notalady, that is exactly how I viewed my relationship with my ex, from the beginning it was hell, but I had already committed myself to this relationship before we even met and just needed to 'iron out the kinks' as you put it, that was my exact mentality! We saw a counsellor for a long time and eventually it clicked that these are not kinks we are just totally incompatible and abusive to each other. I look back now at the red flags and think what the hell was I thinking trying to make a relationship with this psycho?!? ENA has been invaluable to me! Just like you I was guided through the next try at dating looking for red flags. Can you believe I needed to learn to stop leading discussions with sex in order to find a decent date? I can't, it seems so obvious now!!! There was no chemistry with my partner for some time, it grew over time, even now there is not a sexual charge or massive physical attraction between us but I am so attracted to him in other ways, I look at him and have this sensation I can't describe (similar to how I feel towards my closest friends when I'm drunk, soaking them in, if that makes sense?). Even now 6 months on I am still assessing him, checking are we compatible, there is a lot to learn about him before I could truly know I suppose. I really like your suggestions for dating and making notes, I will definitely be employing that method if I end up single again, I am severely tempted to start a journal for this relationship.

 

 

Tattoobunnie, building intimacy is an interesting concept but sounds logical, I have never been good with intimacy, it has been a difficult time for me at some stages of the relationship having to overcome my reservations about intimacy.

[Hermes]

Oh yes!!

 

".....sexual charge or massive physical attraction between us "

 

When it hit it hit like an electric jolt. Still does.....

[thornz]

Oh yes!!

 

".....sexual charge or massive physical attraction between us "

 

When it hit it hit like an electric jolt. Still does.....

 

Did this happen early on? My best friend tells me that even after 13 years with her partner she still gets sweaty palms and butterflies when she sees him! I've never really been the type to get butterflies or have electric jolts I don't believe. They have to get inside my head to get me going haa.

[Hermes]

Oh he did get inside my head and me in his! It's hard to actually explain the process, and it is likely that at some very subconscious level you KNOW, but that is not evident at the beginning. Not for me at any rate.

He says the minute he saw me there, being introduced to him, he knew he had "met his fate" lol.

But he couldn't say why either. I just don't know the "whys".

 

We met two years before we married and were engaged for one of those years. We were not always together every day or even sometimes every week. It was just "right". Yes, the vivid "jolt" did come relatively early on....

 

 

However, what I do know is and always did is how to immediately recognise the flaky, the dysfunctional, the unstable.

[thornz]

Oh he did get inside my head and me in his!

 

However, what I do know is and always did is how to immediately recognise the flaky, the dysfunctional, the unstable.

 

He is inside my head in the sexual respect, mentally I find his attitude very arousing!

 

I have become very good at recognising these things since becoming a regular on here. I have become good especially at seeing this behaviour in myself and trying to improve my issues

[Batya33]

I don't agree that all doubts mean don't. I think you have to find your personal stance on that - for example for me it was that if the doubts weren't resolvable fairly quickly, if they faded easily and didn't "grip" me then I didn't feel like I need to jump to conclusions like "uh oh he must not be the one".

 

My answer is a romantic one but the big disclaimer is that despite "knowing" it still took me (us?) a few years to get engaged and married. So, knowing doesn't have to mean ready to commit to forever. I knew during our first kiss the night we decided to get back together. During that first kiss I heard and felt loud and clear "I HAVE to marry this guy" - I said nothing about it but my future husband stopped for a minute and said "what is going on here?" meaning he also felt "it" (didn't have to ask -I knew, 100%).

 

Did I ever have doubts -yes! First of all we'd gotten back together so we failed to make it the distance the first time around -obviously getting back together was a significant risk and I worried about what if we hadn't changed enough, if it still wasn't right, etc. But I also knew because for the first time, even though technically in the whole world there "could" be someone "better" for me out there - (I mean technically that's true, I didn't meet/date everyone, just half the men in the world by age 39 lol) - I didn't care -I was done, and ready to commit to this person. Anyone could have told me about some hot guy who was perfect for me for whatever reason - wouldn't have mattered. But when I was with men who weren't quite right for me that would have made me wonder (no I didn't cheat or act on it!) - a lot.