help! gf texting her ex

[wonderboy1986]

It's important to ask yourself if you are looking for reasons to break up or if you feel threatened by this. You will get the answer "we're just friends" of course. Are you worried about revealing that you were reading her private conversations?

 

No, she showed me the texts after I realised they were communicating. What concerns and confuses me is why she ignored his requests to talk for six weeks, then stayed out of contact for another four months, but is now initiating conversations with him about random stuff every few weeks.

[Wiseman2]

She showed you the texts? So what's the concern since it seems months/weeks go by and the texts are general chit chat, not interest whatsoever?

she showed me the texts after I realised they were communicating. What concerns and confuses me is why she ignored his requests to talk for six weeks, then stayed out of contact for another four months, but is now initiating conversations with him about random stuff every few weeks.

[wonderboy1986]

She showed you the texts? So what's the concern since it seems months/weeks go by and the texts are general chit chat, not interest whatsoever?

 

I guess it's threefold.

 

One, the speed of our relationship (not a problem but coupled with the texts ... I dunno) It makes me feel like a rebound.

 

Two, why SUDDENLY start texting him after five months. It IS general chit chat, but that's not dissuading her from initiating the conversations. HE is only responding. She is MAKING this happen.

 

Three, I only found out about the conversations AFTER six of them. She ended up showing me because he text back four hours after she started the last conversation when I happened to be with her. If that hadn't happened I STILL might not know about them.

[moodindigo91]

Well, I do feel like you guys moved very fast. If it's just general chit chat, it may really amount to nothing, but it does sort of mean that the interest in you may be waning. You got together ONE WEEK after she ended a NINE YEAR relationship, they have a close bond, so there's that. She moved in with you FIVE MONTHS into the relationship, that seems awfully quick. And now she's bored and initiating conversations with her ex. Doesn't mean she wants him back, but it doesn't mean she doesn't. Before you got together, did she ever talk about what she wanted in the future? A long-term thing, a marriage, what was she looking for? Could give you a clue as to her current actions.

[Wiseman2]

This seems to be the main problem, the relationship itself...moving in together at 5 mos and now the doubts are rolling in at 10 mos. typically when the infatuation stage wears off. Do you want to end it are you not getting along?

One, the speed of our relationship

[Ms Darcy]

I'm bumping this thread in the hope of hearing some more perspectives and experiences, especially females. I'm keen to know if this sounds like she still has feelings for him or if she wants him back but doesn't know how to ask because his texts are no more than friendly.

 

I agree she's interested in him romantically and you were a rebound. The bigger question is, what are you going to do about that?

[wonderboy1986]

I agree she's interested in him romantically and you were a rebound. The bigger question is, what are you going to do about that?

 

Ms Darcy, thank you for replying.

 

I guess as she's been transparent about it at this point I'm still considering my options. I love this woman and she says she loves me. I don't want to derail things for what might be a bump in the road, not until I understand it more.

 

I get the rebound part, but could you offer more detail about why you think that? And especially from a female perspective why you think she's interested in him romantically?

 

Thanks.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy, thank you for replying.

 

I guess as she's been transparent about it at this point I'm still considering my options. I love this woman and she says she loves me. I don't want to derail things for what might be a bump in the road, not until I understand it more.

 

I get the rebound part, but could you offer more detail about why you think that? And especially from a female perspective why you think she's interested in him romantically?

 

Thanks.

 

Well, the bottom line here is what you are going to do. And from what you are saying, I am hearing that what you are going to do is run every possible scenario in your head, not talk to her about it, and worry worry worry while you stay stuck in analysis paralysis.

 

I don't think that's healthy.

[limichelle]

I was in a ten year relationship but waited one year before entertaining the idea of a full on relationship with the guy I'm with now. I also would never contact my ex because I'm over him. That's from my perspective from somebody that was in a very long term relationship.

 

What she is doing is not fair to you. You have to decide what your move is now. If she was over this guy there would be no contact not even friendly chit chat. What she is doing is checking up on him to keep him on the back burner.

 

Lisa

[wonderboy1986]

I was in a ten year relationship but waited one year before entertaining the idea of a full on relationship with the guy I'm with now. I also would never contact my ex because I'm over him. That's from my perspective from somebody that was in a very long term relationship.

 

What she is doing is not fair to you. You have to decide what your move is now. If she was over this guy there would be no contact not even friendly chit chat. What she is doing is checking up on him to keep him on the back burner.

 

Lisa

 

So ... a little update. As I said, she never said she had a boyfriend when we met and I didn't find out about him until after we started seeing each other. I've been thinking about the texts and I've noticed that she never mentions me directly (she mentiins events etc that we've attended, and long story short he knows we're together so he probably presumes she's with me).

 

Is she just being kind maybe? Not mentioning her current boyfriend to her ex? She mentions stuff but he just comes back with "Sounds cool" or something neutral like that.

 

We seem to be getting along fine apart from this, and I'm wondering if she thinks about going back to him. Can someone bury their romantic feelings and have them jump up months later?

[wonderboy1986]

Rebound? Getting together straight after him? Moving in with me? Posting on fb that a month after we started that her life has never been better? That sounds like a rebound?[/QUOTE]

 

Well, yes. That's exactly what a rebound sounds like, actually.

 

People that rush into a relationship after having left a long one are often doing so to fill the void left by their exes. They're not diving in to the new relationship for the right reasons, so to speak. They are suddenly single and wanting to have that companionship and connection again, so they go through the motions of meeting the new love's families, going on couple holidays, moving in, proclaiming their love very early and publicly - all to fill a gap left by the previous partner. For some, it's a (flawed) coping mechanism to mask the pain of losing their ex. Trying to recapture what they've lost, in a way.

 

Not all people who leave long relationships are pursuing rebounds. Some have truly done their grieving by the time they actually pull the plug on the relationship. But those are the people who aren't generally reaching out to their exes regularly, either. The fact that she is initiating and that you've apparently already had a bad feeling she's still not over him, suggest she's waking up and realizing she misses him.

 

You need to talk to her and have a very honest conversation. There's a reason she's continuing to contact him; she needs to be honest with you about her feelings.

 

Can I ask ... a rebound at the start maybe, but we've been together ten months. It can't STILL be a rebound?

[MissCanuck]

 

Can I ask ... a rebound at the start maybe, but we've been together ten months. It can't STILL be a rebound?

 

Sure it can. You haven't been together all that long, relatively-speaking. The first few months would be all butterflies and lust, but that probably wore off quickly for her when you moved in together so soon. That initial spark dulls and she is realizing that her ex is really gone and she is already in serious deal with you. In a sense, it's around this time that reality starts to hit.

 

I was with an ex for many years and we lived together for about 6.5 of them. When the relationship finally ended and we went our separate ways, we barely communicated at all. It was primarily just to work out the logistics of dividing up our shared belongings and moving out of our house. I have not since felt the desire to initiate communications with him. He's not a terrible person or anything, but I have moved on. Catching up once in a while would be one thing, but I find it concerning that she is the one reaching out to him.

 

Do you happen to know why the relationship ended?

[wonderboy1986]

 

Sure it can. You haven't been together all that long, relatively-speaking. The first few months would be all butterflies and lust, but that probably wore off quickly for her when you moved in together so soon. That initial spark dulls and she is realizing that her ex is really gone and she is already in serious deal with you. In a sense, it's around this time that reality starts to hit.

 

I was with an ex for many years and we lived together for about 6.5 of them. When the relationship finally ended and we went our separate ways, we barely communicated at all. It was primarily just to work out the logistics of dividing up our shared belongings and moving out of our house. I have not since felt the desire to initiate communications with him. He's not a terrible person or anything, but I have moved on. Catching up once in a while would be one thing, but I find it concerning that she is the one reaching out to him.

 

Do you happen to know why the relationship ended?

 

As I say, I didn't know about him until after we started seeing each other. I'd be grateful if you could take a quick look at my previous posts as I've added some context about the content of the conversations.

 

As far as I know, they just ... grew apart. She says there were some fights in the last few weeks but nothing major, she feels that he was sensing her drawing away after she met me in her new job and started to panic. Obviously I have issues with hin, but being as balanced as I can ... his pursuit of her was low key and respectful, and he backed off as soon as he found out she was seeing me. It'd be easier to blame him, but I don't see HIM chasing a friendship.

 

I'm so confused.

[wonderboy1986]

Bumping the thread because I'm hoping for more perspectives ...

[ParisPaulette]

Here is my perspective beyond that of "you're the rebound," which yes you are. But I realize that doesn't help answer much for you, so I'm going to give you my perspective as a woman who has been through breakups, both moving on way too soon and taking years to move on depending on the relationship and the time I was at in my life.

 

The fact is first none of what happened is somehow rendered invalid, BUT you need to understand that she did not take the time to fully heal from her breakup before jumping in with you. She just didn't. And sooner or later when the dust settles, that comes back to haunt a person. Because one of the giant things about needing to heal from one relationship before jumping into another is that a person generally needs time to move on fully in their mind and heart, to be able to step outside of the relationship and have that distance and time to (hopefully) see what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how to maybe do better the next time.

 

These are things that simply do not happen in days or even weeks, more like months or more depending on how long two people were together before the breakup, the personalities involved, etc. etc.

 

My guess, and it is just a guess because none of us can really tell you how your girlfriend is feeling, is that when she moved in with you a) the giddy highs of a new romance calmed down and b) that's when stuff got real and it suddenly hit her how much she missed the man who had been in her life for nine years.

 

Does this mean it won't last? None of us know that, we can't. All you can do is sit her down and tell her it's making you really uncomfortable and telling her that if this isn't going to last she needs to maybe move out and move on before starting anything up with you. And yes, I'd risk this now rather than go another month or two or even another year or two only to have history repeat itself with her leaving you for someone she met, rush relationship etc. rinse and repeat. This may or may not be her pattern, but it's one you want to try and avoid now if at all possible.

 

Because - and take this as a woman's absolute truth - no one stays in touch with an ex like that for no particular reason. It's not "friendship" or just even an "I just want to know he's okay," because the truth is we don't want to stay in touch with an ex once we're over them. I have kids with an ex-husband, there was no grand breakup, it was all mutual. And yet I felt no need to stay in touch about anything but the kids. That was it, we are not friends, I do not text him. When I started dating again I was only interested in who I was dating.

 

So yes, this is concerning. And you need to sit her down and ask her what her feelings would be if she were to just stop and to fully focus on the relationship to hand. And if she refuses to end contact or gives excuses for it then yes you should ask her to please move out and take the time to properly get over her last relationship before starting a new one, either with you or anyone else.

 

Rebound basically means someone runs to the next person in line to sort of escape the normal healing and grieving that goes into a relationship. And all too often it's not that first point of contact that is what you need to be looking at. It's down the line when the honeymoon starts to fade and reality sets in that either something will grow or signs that it won't show up. And I'm sorry, but she also sounds like someone who simply doesn't know how to be on her own and her own person, because moving in at five months after a nine-year relationship doesn't sound like true love so much as "I don't know how to be alone."

 

You need to talk to her. And you need to be able and willing to accept this may not have long term written into it, because she has issues with being alone and while I'm sure she's enjoyed being with you, this doesn't mean that will continue to be the case when newness and new love butterflies wear off.

[wonderboy1986]

Here is my perspective beyond that of "you're the rebound," which yes you are. But I realize that doesn't help answer much for you, so I'm going to give you my perspective as a woman who has been through breakups, both moving on way too soon and taking years to move on depending on the relationship and the time I was at in my life.

 

The fact is first none of what happened is somehow rendered invalid, BUT you need to understand that she did not take the time to fully heal from her breakup before jumping in with you. She just didn't. And sooner or later when the dust settles, that comes back to haunt a person. Because one of the giant things about needing to heal from one relationship before jumping into another is that a person generally needs time to move on fully in their mind and heart, to be able to step outside of the relationship and have that distance and time to (hopefully) see what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how to maybe do better the next time.

 

These are things that simply do not happen in days or even weeks, more like months or more depending on how long two people were together before the breakup, the personalities involved, etc. etc.

 

My guess, and it is just a guess because none of us can really tell you how your girlfriend is feeling, is that when she moved in with you a) the giddy highs of a new romance calmed down and b) that's when stuff got real and it suddenly hit her how much she missed the man who had been in her life for nine years.

 

Does this mean it won't last? None of us know that, we can't. All you can do is sit her down and tell her it's making you really uncomfortable and telling her that if this isn't going to last she needs to maybe move out and move on before starting anything up with you. And yes, I'd risk this now rather than go another month or two or even another year or two only to have history repeat itself with her leaving you for someone she met, rush relationship etc. rinse and repeat. This may or may not be her pattern, but it's one you want to try and avoid now if at all possible.

 

Because - and take this as a woman's absolute truth - no one stays in touch with an ex like that for no particular reason. It's not "friendship" or just even an "I just want to know he's okay," because the truth is we don't want to stay in touch with an ex once we're over them. I have kids with an ex-husband, there was no grand breakup, it was all mutual. And yet I felt no need to stay in touch about anything but the kids. That was it, we are not friends, I do not text him. When I started dating again I was only interested in who I was dating.

 

So yes, this is concerning. And you need to sit her down and ask her what her feelings would be if she were to just stop and to fully focus on the relationship to hand. And if she refuses to end contact or gives excuses for it then yes you should ask her to please move out and take the time to properly get over her last relationship before starting a new one, either with you or anyone else.

 

Rebound basically means someone runs to the next person in line to sort of escape the normal healing and grieving that goes into a relationship. And all too often it's not that first point of contact that is what you need to be looking at. It's down the line when the honeymoon starts to fade and reality sets in that either something will grow or signs that it won't show up. And I'm sorry, but she also sounds like someone who simply doesn't know how to be on her own and her own person, because moving in at five months after a nine-year relationship doesn't sound like true love so much as "I don't know how to be alone."

 

You need to talk to her. And you need to be able and willing to accept this may not have long term written into it, because she has issues with being alone and while I'm sure she's enjoyed being with you, this doesn't mean that will continue to be the case when newness and new love butterflies wear off.

 

Thank you so much for such an extensive response. So much of what you say makes sense. I will speak to her but ... this isn't a trap but it seems as though the contact has happened when I'm not around (we live and work together so it's odd times during the day). We have a day or two apart this week owing to work (different offices this week) so now that I know ... I'm going to see if she texts him again.

 

I have a question tho? I still feel that ten months is a long time for a rebound (I've no experience of it tho). Is that the case? And this is a tough question, but should I read anything into her never mentioning him to me (I thought she was being nice to him, not mentioning her current relationship, just dropping hints).

[Wiseman2]

Much of your speculation seems odd in the sense that it is rhetorical and sort of like an inkblot test where whatever you see is what you see, which is highly subjective. For example, she doesn't mention him to you. Maybe he's not on her mind and yapping on about an ex is generally rude.

 

However you are viewing this as yet another "sign" of this clandestine "rekindling" which is supposedly taking place over a friendly text every few Months?

I still feel that ten months is a long time for a rebound (I've no experience of it tho). Is that the case? And this is a tough question, but should I read anything into her never mentioning him to me (I thought she was being nice to him, not mentioning her current relationship, just dropping hints).

]

[tobilurone]

This could well be a rebound, but also it might not be. My ex text me whilst she has a bf "just to be friends" but she didn't want to get back with me, she did leave me for him so it's a bit different but still. She's still with him, it could be a case of she just wants an ego boost or something. But it could also be a case of she misses him.. 9 years doesn't go away quickly

[Doc Blaze]

She is texting him. He never initiates

 

 

whats the point if he isn't important.

 

 

like what is her reasoning for going out of her way to text him randomly.

[wonderboy1986]

She is texting him. He never initiates

 

 

whats the point if he isn't important.

 

 

like what is her reasoning for going out of her way to text him randomly.

 

THIS! This is what I'm wondering about.

[ParisPaulette]

I don't really think the term "rebound" is so much about a set time as it is a state of mind. And that can take months or days or whatever, not sure because people don't really have timelines that are all the same on that.

 

And I think maybe you shouldn't focus so much on "Am I a rebound," because that doesn't open the doors to any sort of problem solving.

 

What will is to confront her on it. To tell her all of the things you've told us here and to ask her why is it she texts him when you aren't around, why is she hiding that. Because yes, she's doing it when you are not around to hide it. That much is pretty obvious.

 

Just talk to her. Regardless of a label, she's involving someone outside the relationship who likely puts a wedge and a strain on her relationship with you and makes you worry that you can't trust her. And that's the real issue here. So you need to get that resolved and/or either you part ways now or she confronts and is honest about why she does it and then stops it. OR she goes back out the door and you move on and resolve not to get involved with people who are just out of relationship.

 

You need to talk to her, not gather the opinions of strangers as to whether or not she's up to no good, because every moment you're on here is another moment she's still hiding this from you and still contacting him whenever you're not there. And that's not good.

 

Personally, I think it's a crap thing to do to the person you claim to love. My own opinion there.

[wonderboy1986]

This could well be a rebound, but also it might not be. My ex text me whilst she has a bf "just to be friends" but she didn't want to get back with me, she did leave me for him so it's a bit different but still. She's still with him, it could be a case of she just wants an ego boost or something. But it could also be a case of she misses him.. 9 years doesn't go away quickly

 

Ya know ... in a sense, I guess she left HIM for me. I'm not comfortable with that but she made her own decision and we've been good together. I can't see anything OTHER than these texts that I need to worry about, but honestly, the way folks here have agreed about the speed of moving in etc ... that's given me some perspective on how it looks from the outside.

 

The perspectives of strangers is no bad thing.

[wonderboy1986]

I don't really think the term "rebound" is so much about a set time as it is a state of mind. And that can take months or days or whatever, not sure because people don't really have timelines that are all the same on that.

 

And I think maybe you shouldn't focus so much on "Am I a rebound," because that doesn't open the doors to any sort of problem solving.

 

What will is to confront her on it. To tell her all of the things you've told us here and to ask her why is it she texts him when you aren't around, why is she hiding that. Because yes, she's doing it when you are not around to hide it. That much is pretty obvious.

 

Just talk to her. Regardless of a label, she's involving someone outside the relationship who likely puts a wedge and a strain on her relationship with you and makes you worry that you can't trust her. And that's the real issue here. So you need to get that resolved and/or either you part ways now or she confronts and is honest about why she does it and then stops it. OR she goes back out the door and you move on and resolve not to get involved with people who are just out of relationship.

 

You need to talk to her, not gather the opinions of strangers as to whether or not she's up to no good, because every moment you're on here is another moment she's still hiding this from you and still contacting him whenever you're not there. And that's not good.

 

Personally, I think it's a crap thing to do to the person you claim to love. My own opinion there.

 

She was the one who ended things with him, if that makes a difference? Do dumpers even rebound?

 

I just think it's strange that she still even has his number after all this time. And she says she's text him but not called, , whichI wouldn't like, but would at least make sense in terms of contacting him to be friendly. We talked last night and she mentioned she's checked his social media a few times but he's set to private.

[shiner501]

Rebound? Getting together straight after him? Moving in with me? Posting on fb that a month after we started that her life has never been better? That sounds like a rebound?

 

Yep. Sounds like a rebound. You are now over the honeymoon stage, thats when the wheels can come off and the true colors get revealed. Nine years is a LONG time to spend with a partner. You do not get over that over night.

[shiner501]

I agree she's interested in him romantically and you were a rebound. The bigger question is, what are you going to do about that?

 

I agree with every syllable.

 

Let's boil this down to a fundamental, basic question. WHY WOULD SHE BE TEXTING HER EX? Why? For what reason if she was content and happy in her life with you?

The truth to this question could be brutal, unfortunately. Personally, I would never tolerate my GF texting her EX like that. It is a major red flag. If they split amicably I could accept a Happy Holidays or Happy Birthday. But no more. Unless they have kids of course when some sort of contact is inevitable. But even then, only in the context of the child.

 

You should be a man, grow a set and confront her about this and tell her calmly you want to know why she feels she needs to be in text contact with him. I think she misses him, regrets their breakup and looks back with rose-tinted glasses and as come to the realization that it is not a land of milk and honey with you and that she is trying to build a Plan B.

 

You need to have this conversation right now. You want to know before you invest more and more of your life with her. Even if you brush this under the carpet now so as to avoid a confrontation so you can keep her in your life for now, this issue will resurface. You need to bottom it out. Now. I have been there and got this T-shirt....