help! gf texting her ex

[wonderboy1986]

Yep. Sounds like a rebound. You are now over the honeymoon stage, thats when the wheels can come off and the true colors get revealed. Nine years is a LONG time to spend with a partner. You do not get over that over night.

 

Nine years IS a long time, and if I'd known they were together so soon before I probably wouldn't have entered into the relationship, but I didn't know anything about him until a few months into OUR relationship. Up to that point it had all been vacays and family events and falling in love with each other. She dumped him tho, for me I guess, and apart from the sudden texts she's never give an indication that she's unhappy. Even now, she posts loving stuff about us on fb so ... I dunno. She hasn't said she wants to move out (she left her home city to be with me - we live a couple of trains away now).

[shiner501]

I reiterate what I said in my last post. Irrespective of what whirlwind romance you have had with her, you want to know why she feels the need to be texting her ex like this. You must get to the bottom of this for your own sake and happiness. You don't need to be aggressive in your approach with her, just find out and do not accept any stalling.

 

No one is having a dig at you. We can get all get wrapped up in these love situations and we miss clues and signals that someone from the outside and is not loved up with them can spot. Love IS blind. Boy that is a truth.

[wonderboy1986]

I reiterate what I said in my last post. Irrespective of what whirlwind romance you have had with her, you want to know why she feels the need to be texting her ex like this. You must get to the bottom of this for your own sake and happiness. You don't need to be aggressive in your approach with her, just find out and do not accept any stalling.

 

No one is having a dig at you. We can get all get wrapped up in these love situations and we miss clues and signals that someone from the outside and is not loved up with them can spot. Love IS blind. Boy that is a truth.

 

No, everyone here has been really supportive and given great advice. I'm trying to keep my posts brief and to the point, so sincere apologies if they can come across as unintentionally defensive.

 

Thing is, pretty much everyone agrees I'm her rebound, and that's not ideal but sometimes these things work out. I guess what I'm trying to get clear here before I speak to her is people's experiences and opinions about her initiating contact. Whirlwind romances happen, but I'm trying to assess if she has feelings for him like a ticking time bomb.

 

However even handed I am in broaching the subject, if there's a reason beyond friendliness that she's contacting, anything I say might seem accusatory. I guess I'm just trying to see if there are any benign reasons for her restarting contact five months into OUR relationship, or if the universal opinion is that she's ramping up to get him back.

[wonderboy1986]

I agree with every syllable.

 

Let's boil this down to a fundamental, basic question. WHY WOULD SHE BE TEXTING HER EX? Why? For what reason if she was content and happy in her life with you?

The truth to this question could be brutal, unfortunately. Personally, I would never tolerate my GF texting her EX like that. It is a major red flag. If they split amicably I could accept a Happy Holidays or Happy Birthday. But no more. Unless they have kids of course when some sort of contact is inevitable. But even then, only in the context of the child.

 

You should be a man, grow a set and confront her about this and tell her calmly you want to know why she feels she needs to be in text contact with him. I think she misses him, regrets their breakup and looks back with rose-tinted glasses and as come to the realization that it is not a land of milk and honey with you and that she is trying to build a Plan B.

 

You need to have this conversation right now. You want to know before you invest more and more of your life with her. Even if you brush this under the carpet now so as to avoid a confrontation so you can keep her in your life for now, this issue will resurface. You need to bottom it out. Now. I have been there and got this T-shirt....

 

I don't know that the break up had the CHANCE to be anything but amicable. As far as I know, they grew apart in the last few weeks of their relationship, she text him it was over, and they never spoke again until five months later when she restarted contact. He tried to contact her a few times over six weeks or so until he found out she was seeing someone via her fb post about how happy she was, but she never responded and he backed off. No confrontation, no drama.

 

That's why it bugs me. She ignored him because we were together, so I can't work out what's happening now.

[MissCanuck]

Sometimes people get bored in their longterm relationships. They feel they're no longer in love so they go looking for something else. That's why those sorts of break-ups feel right in the moment. But now and then, those dumpers (after spending a period apart from their ex) realize they actually miss their exes and the grass wasn't greener, so to speak.

 

Only your girlfriend can say whether that's what's happening now.

[wonderboy1986]

Sometimes people get bored in their longterm relationships. They feel they're no longer in love so they go looking for something else. That's why those sorts of break-ups feel right in the moment. But now and then, those dumpers (after spending a period apart from their ex) realize they actually miss their exes and the grass wasn't greener, so to speak.

 

Only your girlfriend can say whether that's what's happening now.

 

I asked her and she said they're just "saying hello" texts. The last was a week ago when she messaged him to see if he was "enjoying" a team building work event (he always disliked them when they worked together) so ... nothing stuff?

[MissCanuck]

I asked her and she said they're just "saying hello" texts. The last was a week ago when she messaged him to see if he was "enjoying" a team building work event (he always disliked them when they worked together) so ... nothing stuff?

 

They're nothing inappropriate in and of themselevs, but I don't see this as just "saying hello" either. She seems to be looking for reasons to get in touch with him. I could understand a holiday or birthday greeting, especially if the break-up wasn't dramatic, but sending messages like this reads to me that she is trying to keep communication open. I still believe that even if she broke up with him, she misses him.

 

I have had a couple long-term exes, and I have to say that I have never had the urge to make contact by the time I'd started dating someone else. But I have had one reach out to me after we'd both entered new relationships. It started out a lot like your girlfriend's, dropping causal "hellos" and whatnot every couple of months. I responded cordially but very briefly, as I was no longer interested and he was the one who ended the relationship to begin with. It eventually led to him asking me to meet him to "talk" and he asked whether I was happy in my relationship. He had actually gotten married by this point! I responded that I am very happy with my man, and no, I would not be meeting him. And then I blocked him.

 

My point in telling you this is that you are right to be concerned, in my opinion, especially considering how fast you two have moved and the fact that she took basically zero downtime between the relationships. Sometimes these communications start innocently but slide into murky territory. You need to make your boundary clear.

[wonderboy1986]

They're nothing inappropriate in and of themselevs, but I don't see this as just "saying hello" either. She seems to be looking for reasons to get in touch with him. I could understand a holiday or birthday greeting, especially if the break-up wasn't dramatic, but sending messages like this reads to me that she is trying to keep communication open. I still believe that even if she broke up with him, she misses him.

 

I have had a couple long-term exes, and I have to say that I have never had the urge to make contact by the time I'd started dating someone else. But I have had one reach out to me after we'd both entered new relationships. It started out a lot like your girlfriend's, dropping causal "hellos" and whatnot every couple of months. I responded cordially but very briefly, as I was no longer interested and he was the one who ended the relationship to begin with. It eventually led to him asking me to meet him to "talk" and he asked whether I was happy in my relationship. He had actually gotten married by this point! I responded that I am very happy with my man, and no, I would not be meeting him. And then I blocked him.

 

My point in telling you this is that you are right to be concerned, in my opinion, especially considering how fast you two have moved and the fact that she took basically zero downtime between the relationships. Sometimes these communications start innocently but slide into murky territory. You need to make your boundary clear.

 

MissCanuck ... thank you, I think a lot of what you say makes sense. The texts are kind of neutral (which makes it more concerning in a way?) But she IS initiating them, and if I'm honest I feel that the messages very EXISTENCE rather than their CONTENT is a red flag here?

 

Opinions welcome?

[Sobb44]

MissCanuck ... thank you, I think a lot of what you say makes sense. The texts are kind of neutral (which makes it more concerning in a way?) But she IS initiating them, and if I'm honest I feel that the messages very EXISTENCE rather than their CONTENT is a red flag here?

 

Opinions welcome?

 

Yes they are a red flag. She may or may not want to get back together with him. And I'm sure if u ask her at this point she will say she doesnt. However she may say she doesn't because he is being neutral in his responses. If he said even once I miss you. Then she may or may not reciprocate that. AND also. Messages can be deleted. Who knows if you really have the entire story (text thread) my advice is this. Stop reading the texts. (I'm not sure how ur getting ur info are u snooping or is she willingly showing them. And if she is showing them...keep on mind deleted messages happen) all relationships are built on trust. She deleted or omitted that she had a boyfriend when she met you....is she deleting and omitting now. If you don't trust her or the relationship foundation at this point....you need to address it. Give clear reasons why and be prepared for the worst but hope for the best

[wonderboy1986]

Yes they are a red flag. She may or may not want to get back together with him. And I'm sure if u ask her at this point she will say she doesnt. However she may say she doesn't because he is being neutral in his responses. If he said even once I miss you. Then she may or may not reciprocate that. AND also. Messages can be deleted. Who knows if you really have the entire story (text thread) my advice is this. Stop reading the texts. (I'm not sure how ur getting ur info are u snooping or is she willingly showing them. And if she is showing them...keep on mind deleted messages happen) all relationships are built on trust. She deleted or omitted that she had a boyfriend when she met you....is she deleting and omitting now. If you don't trust her or the relationship foundation at this point....you need to address it. Give clear reasons why and be prepared for the worst but hope for the best

 

She says she's no interest in getting back with him, that she loves me. I believe her, but to me, the texts seem to indicate ... repressed feelings?

 

I appreciate your point about what might happen if he said he misses her or whatever, but I'm trying to reassure myself that if she had these feelings, she'd say it first?

[Sobb44]

Well. Then believe her, and trust the relationship....and let this go. You know what I mean? Like, if you believe what she is saying...and you are taking it at face value. Thats cool. But don't harbor this curiosity, or this question in your head...You know what I'm trying to say.....Trust is trust.....love is love. I hope she is being honest and trustworthy to you....I really do. and I hope you can drop the entire topic then, and put it to bed. Dont worry, and just live in the moment. Im happy you trust her!

[wonderboy1986]

Well. Then believe her, and trust the relationship....and let this go. You know what I mean? Like, if you believe what she is saying...and you are taking it at face value. Thats cool. But don't harbor this curiosity, or this question in your head...You know what I'm trying to say.....Trust is trust.....love is love. I hope she is being honest and trustworthy to you....I really do. and I hope you can drop the entire topic then, and put it to bed. Dont worry, and just live in the moment. Im happy you trust her!

 

I do ... but I just found out she text him again today just a "how are things" and he hasn't replied yet, but still ...

[Wiseman2]

Do you think she's just looking for attention by tossing him these nonsense breadcrumbs?

I do ... but I just found out she text him again today just a "how are things" and he hasn't replied yet, but still ...

[boltnrun]

So she has to know by now that it bothers you...and yet she continues.

 

She is compelled for some reason to keep trying to stay in his life.

 

I see you're trying over and over to justify how you two got together, and that you aren't a rebound...but how do you reconcile her insistence on reminding her ex that she exists?

[wonderboy1986]

Do you think she's just looking for attention by tossing him these nonsense breadcrumbs?

 

It's possible, but SHE ended things with him, ignored his attempts at contact for six weeks and didn't contact him for about 3 months beyond that until she text him. As I say, we've done lots together, live and work together, so why would she need attention from someone she doesn't want?

[wonderboy1986]

So she has to know by now that it bothers you...and yet she continues.

 

She is compelled for some reason to keep trying to stay in his life.

 

I see you're trying over and over to justify how you two got together, and that you aren't a rebound...but how do you reconcile her insistence on reminding her ex that she exists?

 

I guess because I can't understand why she'd want to do that if she doesn't have romantic feelings for him.

[boltnrun]

I guess because I can't understand why she'd want to do that if she doesn't have romantic feelings for him.

 

She has some kind of feelings for him. Otherwise she wouldn't keep sending him texts to remind him that she exists. If she had no feelings for him she wouldn't care if he forgot about her.

 

Obviously, she cares. Cares enough to keep contacting him despite KNOWING it makes you uncomfortable (at the very least).

 

So...she'd rather keep him in her life than respect your feelings. How does that make YOU feel?

[Sobb44]

I ended things with my ex....I love and miss him..I'd try again if I could. Just female perspective here

[Wiseman2]

Why does anyone want and need extra attention from anyone? Maybe she's bored from this over-saturation of working together, living together and too much too soon? He's different from all that now and a reminder of a past love, when it wasn't this over-saturation.

we've done lots together, live and work together, so why would she need attention from someone she doesn't want?

[MissCanuck]

She continues to reach out to him, even knowing it makes you uncomfortable.

 

Sorry OP, but with this latest message to him - she does still have feelings for him. I would bet any money she is regretting the break-up. Her re-initiating contact and making attempts to maintain it is very telling.

 

Out of curiosity, how do know she messaged him? Did she come out and tell you or did you see it on your own?

[wonderboy1986]

She continues to reach out to him, even knowing it makes you uncomfortable.

 

Sorry OP, but with this latest message to him - she does still have feelings for him. I would bet any money she is regretting the break-up. Her re-initiating contact and making attempts to maintain it is very telling.

 

Out of curiosity, how do know she messaged him? Did she come out and tell you or did you see it on your own?

 

You'll appreciate that I hope you're wrong, but it seems telling that everyone here (with neutrality) seems to be thinking along the same lines.

 

And the latest message? She was checking her phone and I recognised his name. I could see he hadn't replied (it's Whatsapp so I can see the ticks etc, and also that he's removed his profile picture). I guess it also means that she has him as a contact in her phone.

 

I don't understand how her feelings could be resurfacing? I mean, yeah, rebound, I get that, but everything I read says rebounds last about 6 months and we've been together for 10

[wonderboy1986]

I ended things with my ex....I love and miss him..I'd try again if I could. Just female perspective here

 

Does her behaviour sound like something you could relate to?

[Sobb44]

YES! And I did try. That's what Im saying. From my perspective, she's fishing at the least. Maybe she is the type who can't be alone. I don't have a man at the moment....I've been out on a couple dates, but I dont get in relationships in succession. I do move on. But, I dont get involved involved until my feelings are in check. It's not fair to myself or the other person. Im not saying with any certainty that this is her stance on texting. But it very well may be. That's why you either need to address it.....or let it go. I will pray for you.

[wonderboy1986]

YES! And I did try. That's what Im saying. From my perspective, she's fishing at the least. Maybe she is the type who can't be alone. I don't have a man at the moment....I've been out on a couple dates, but I dont get in relationships in succession. I do move on. But, I dont get involved involved until my feelings are in check. It's not fair to myself or the other person. Im not saying with any certainty that this is her stance on texting. But it very well may be. That's why you either need to address it.....or let it go. I will pray for you.

 

Thank you x

 

I feel the next thing I should do is wait. I've questioned her about it, but she sticks to the "friendly hello" angle. I asked her straight up if he ever texts first and she said no (I don't know if she wants him to?)

 

I think we'll be okay unless she starts to think about meeting up with him, or suggesting that. I'm guessing tho, as his responses are friendly but neutral, that'll dissuade her from taking it further.

 

Any thoughts?

[MissCanuck]

You'll appreciate that I hope you're wrong, but it seems telling that everyone here (with neutrality) seems to be thinking along the same lines.

 

And the latest message? She was checking her phone and I recognised his name. I could see he hadn't replied (it's Whatsapp so I can see the ticks etc, and also that he's removed his profile picture). I guess it also means that she has him as a contact in her phone.

 

I don't understand how her feelings could be resurfacing? I mean, yeah, rebound, I get that, but everything I read says rebounds last about 6 months and we've been together for 10

 

You can't go based on what the internet prescribes. There is no set, standard time-frame for a rebound. Human behaviour doesn't work that way. It's not like an illness that can be cured with a prescribed course of treatment. You have to base your assumptions on her actions. And her actions are making it clear that she is holding on to something. I know you don't want to believe she has suspicious intentions, and this couldn't possibly be a rebound. You've said you trust her, so I'm not sure what more there is to do or say. You can keep quiet and let it go, or you can open a very honest and direct conversation with her.

 

The fact that he deleted his profile picture is irrelevant. The fact that he hasn't replied is irrelevant. The important information is that she continues to contact him. She does so with the knowledge that you aren't okay with it. Think about what that says regarding her priorities and the importance of your feelings in this situation.