help! gf texting her ex

[wonderboy1986]

I'm not sure I understand either question, my apologies. Care to rephrase?

 

No problem

 

To rephrase: She dumped him, and we know dumpers often reach out eventually. What I'm asking is, is six or seven reach outs from her a lot? An unusual amount? And do people think that indicates that she wants him instead of me?

 

Thanks

[boltnrun]

Repeated contact means he is repeatedly on her mind.

 

She reached out SEVEN times!

 

Let me ask you...would you reach out seven times to someone who wasn't frequently on your mind and for whom you have zero feelings? Would you contact an ex seven times while in a relationship with someone you truly loved and felt happy and content with?

 

Quoting myself because I am curious to know your answers to these questions.

[wonderboy1986]

Quoting myself because I am curious to know your answers to these questions.

 

Boltnrun - I'll try and answer as honestly as possible. Nope, I don't think I WOULD do it. There's always been a gap between my relationships. Not really a thought-out healing strategy, more what life brought me.I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my gf, we started working together, hit it off and took it from there.

 

But I guess the other point you're making is the frequency of the initiated texts? That's part of my confusion. I've never had a dumper keep in touch beyond a few weeks after the break up, so ... I'm thinking her delay in contacting him is a factor, but I don't know if SEVEN conversations are unusual? It's not like she messages him every day? Weeks pass between convos so maybe he's not on her mind as much as I worry? I'm trying to work out what significance the frequency conveys, if any.

[boltnrun]

I think what you're really trying to do is convince yourself that it means nothing, she really does love you and only you, and that everything is just fine.

 

Do you believe yourself, is it working?

[wonderboy1986]

I think what you're really trying to do is convince yourself that it means nothing, she really does love you and only you, and that everything is just fine.

 

Do you believe yourself, is it working?

 

I don't believe it means NOTHING, but I am trying to figure out exactly WHAT it means. It may be a bump in the road, or she may have genuine friendzone intentions towards him.

 

I'm just trying to gather people's thoughts on what the nature of her intent might be, drawing from their own experiences.

 

I'm bringing this up when she returns from vacay, so I want to learn as much as I can.

[wonderboy1986]

Okay ... this is kind of a random update but I'd REALLY appreciate some guidance here.

 

She's on vacay. We've chatted every night and it's all good. I just logged onto instagram, and she's posted something.

 

Long story short, her ex was supposedly a flirty type, never a cheat, but sometimes she'd get ticked off because he'd be flirting with other girls (never in a romantic way, but more kind of kidding around).

 

I'm probably being stupid, but she just reposted something on insta about how it's wrong for guys to flirt around when they're in a relationship (it's a meme about the whole Brangelina thing).

 

Now, she NEVER reposts anything like that. I don't imagine it's for his benefit (there's nothing in the text chats to indicate he looks at her social media). I can't stress enough how unusual it is for her to post something like that.

 

What do you think? Is she sending a message, if so ... what???

[wonderboy1986]

Bumping the thread in the hope of some feedback ...

[MissCanuck]

Perhaps she is trying to send him a message. But does it really matter?

 

You already know she is consistently seeking his attention. This would just be another way of doing so.

[wonderboy1986]

Perhaps she is trying to send him a message. But does it really matter?

 

You already know she is consistently seeking his attention. This would just be another way of doing so.

 

I'm don't know either way, to be honest.

 

I don't even know if her reaching out six or seven times is extreme? From a female perspective? Does the quantity differentiate between romantic intent and the friendzone in this situation?

 

And would a woman seek his attention with effectively a negative comment?

 

And thank you for replying, I really value your views.

[Doc Blaze]

I'm don't know either way, to be honest.

 

I don't even know if her reaching out six or seven times is extreme? From a female perspective? Does the quantity differentiate between romantic intent and the friendzone in this situation?

 

And would a woman seek his attention with effectively a negative comment?

 

And thank you for replying, I really value your views.

 

 

 

 

you are once again trying to find a way to get around what she is doing...

 

 

 

 

the problem I would have with your gf is she is still seeking him out even when he isn't really giving her attention.

 

again why. she says its just hello text but why, why keep in contact when she knows it bothers you and this guy isn't even giving her the time or day?

 

there is a reason and she isn't telling you probably because she doesn't want to tell you the reason.

 

 

it doesn't matter 6 or 7 times, she wants to try to keep in contact with him.

[wonderboy1986]

you are once again trying to find a way to get around what she is doing...

 

 

 

 

the problem I would have with your gf is she is still seeking him out even when he isn't really giving her attention.

 

again why. she says its just hello text but why, why keep in contact when she knows it bothers you and this guy isn't even giving her the time or day?

 

there is a reason and she isn't telling you probably because she doesn't want to tell you the reason.

 

 

it doesn't matter 6 or 7 times, she wants to try to keep in contact with him.

 

"Why" is my ultimate question, to be honest.

 

As you know, I've asked, and she's put forward the friendly hello angle.

 

But it's been about ... two weeks or something since she messaged him? In that time we've been to stay with my folks for a weekend while I went to a concert (she even tweeted a local radio to play a song for me!) and we've spoken lots while she's been on vacation.

 

So it's weird, she looks like she's as invested in our relationship as I am, apart from the texts. Like I say it's been two weeks since she last reached out to him so that's hopefully the last time ever.

 

All opinions welcome.

[MissCanuck]

It won't be the last time.

 

She doesn't see anything wrong with it, so she has no reason to stop.

[wonderboy1986]

It won't be the last time.

 

She doesn't see anything wrong with it, so she has no reason to stop.

 

She's back from vacay this weekend so we'll talk, hopefully.

 

What I'm reflecting on now is not her reasons to stop as much as her reasons to start and (albeit only those few times) continue to initiate contact.

[wonderboy1986]

She's back from vacay this weekend so we'll talk, hopefully.

 

What I'm reflecting on now is not her reasons to stop as much as her reasons to start and (albeit only those few times) continue to initiate contact.

 

Quoting myself here because I'm really keen to get some feedback.

 

So, we spoke.

 

Her view is that she knew him for nine years so she's just being friendly, and six or seven texts over four months isn't a lot. I didn't really have much to come back with as I have no idea if six or seven IS a lot/too many given the situation.

[MissCanuck]

Quoting myself here because I'm really keen to get some feedback.

 

So, we spoke.

 

Her view is that she knew him for nine years so she's just being friendly, and six or seven texts over four months isn't a lot. I didn't really have much to come back with as I have no idea if six or seven IS a lot/too many given the situation.

 

We have already told you what we think. Given the circumstances and timeline of her relationships, most of us here feel it is a lot and it's not just friendly on her part.

 

I'm not sure what more we can really say, especially considering that there is no new information. You don't seem to be able to decided for yourself if this is okay for you. We can't really tell you whether or not to break up with her; you have figure out for yourself where your boundaries are. My sense is that you are most definitely not okay with her actions, but you're going to overlook them because you don't want to lose her.

[wonderboy1986]

We have already told you what we think. Given the circumstances and timeline of her relationships, most of us here feel it is a lot and it's not just friendly on her part.

 

I'm not sure what more we can really say, especially considering that there is no new information. You don't seem to be able to decided for yourself if this is okay for you. We can't really tell you whether or not to break up with her; you have figure out for yourself where your boundaries are. My sense is that you are most definitely not okay with her actions, but you're going to overlook them because you don't want to lose her.

 

You're right, I don't.

 

I am confused about the possibility of me being a rebound tho? SHE dumped HIM, and she's very loving with me.

 

Surely if she wanted to get back with him, she'd make more of an effort, a phone call, a meet up, something like that?

 

Plus we've been together TEN months! That's longer than a rebound?

[boltnrun]

You're right, I don't.

 

I am confused about the possibility of me being a rebound tho? SHE dumped HIM, and she's very loving with me.

 

Surely if she wanted to get back with him, she'd make more of an effort, a phone call, a meet up, something like that?

 

Plus we've been together TEN months! That's longer than a rebound?

 

Sigh.

 

Didn't you say she started texting him FIVE MONTHS ago? So, that was at the beginning of your relationship with her.

 

You keep repeating the same things over and over.

 

Bottom line, you're expending a LOT of effort to try to convince us (and yourself) that it's no big deal that she's repeatedly contacting her ex.

 

If you really believed that you'd stop thinking about it. But it's apparent that you are not buying what you're trying to sell to yourself. And honestly, neither am I.

 

Out of curiosity, did she contact him again in the past couple of days? I'm guessing she did.

[wonderboy1986]

Sigh.

 

Didn't you say she started texting him FIVE MONTHS ago? So, that was at the beginning of your relationship with her.

 

You keep repeating the same things over and over.

 

Bottom line, you're expending a LOT of effort to try to convince us (and yourself) that it's no big deal that she's repeatedly contacting her ex.

 

If you really believed that you'd stop thinking about it. But it's apparent that you are not buying what you're trying to sell to yourself. And honestly, neither am I.

 

Out of curiosity, did she contact him again in the past couple of days? I'm guessing she did.

 

She didn't. The last time was about two or three weeks ago I think, and he never responded. Thinking about it, it's about every three to four weeks that she contacts him (that infrequency was something she mentioned to reinforce to me that they're just friendly catch up texts from her).

[MissCanuck]

She didn't. The last time was about two or three weeks ago I think, and he never responded. Thinking about it, it's about every three to four weeks that she contacts him (that infrequency was something she mentioned to reinforce to me that they're just friendly catch up texts from her).

 

But yet he never thinks to extend a similar friendly gesture? Strange how that works. She doesn't get much of a reply from him yet she keeps reaching out anyway. Yep, that's a true friendship right there. Said nobody, ever.

 

The other poster is right. You keep repeating yourself, about the frequency, the length of your relationship, how long rebounds last. But OP - there is no simple formula. None of us or anyone else on the internet can assure with 100% certainty that she does or doesn't have nefarious intentions.

 

You're either fine with it or you're not. You already know which category you belong to.

[wonderboy1986]

But yet he never thinks to extend a similar friendly gesture? Strange how that works. She doesn't get much of a reply from him yet she keeps reaching out anyway. Yep, that's a true friendship right there. Said nobody, ever.

 

The other poster is right. You keep repeating yourself, about the frequency, the length of your relationship, how long rebounds last. But OP - there is no simple formula. None of us or anyone else on the internet can assure with 100% certainty that she does or doesn't have nefarious intentions.

 

You're either fine with it or you're not. You already know which category you belong to.

 

That's the thing. Sure, he never initiates but in the texts he IS friendly (tho he doesn't give much away, and when she drops hints about us, he doesn't bite). So ... perhaps HIS responses are a gauge of their friendship/ how she feels about him?

[MissCanuck]

That's the thing. Sure, he never initiates but in the texts he IS friendly (tho he doesn't give much away, and when she drops hints about us, he doesn't bite). So ... perhaps HIS responses are a gauge of their friendship/ how she feels about him?

 

Maybe, but that's not really relevant.

[boltnrun]

HIS responses are a gauge of how HE feels. Not how she feels.

 

Her persistent contact is a gauge of how SHE feels. Why does she insist on trying to be "friends"?

 

How many of YOUR exes have you texted 7 times since you've been in this relationship?

[wonderboy1986]

HIS responses are a gauge of how HE feels. Not how she feels.

 

Her persistent contact is a gauge of how SHE feels. Why does she insist on trying to be "friends"?

 

How many of YOUR exes have you texted 7 times since you've been in this relationship?

 

None of them. I'll be honest, I think part of the reason I'm perplexed by it is how very different it seems to other people's experiences. Yes, exes contact but five months into a NEW relationship? Yes, they contact but usually if there's no real intent behind it we get the infamous breadcrumbs. But she's never said she misses him, or asked him to meet, or anything like that that a dumper usually says when their seeking a reaction, be it ego boost or validation or whatever.

 

This is why I'm hesitating. Because she doesn't seem to have said anything "wrong" to him or asked for more than a text conversation, I'm scared that I'm overreacting.

[boltnrun]

My ex used to text me. He didn't start out with "I miss you" or asking to meet. He usually started with a "how are you?" and he'd respond based on how I responded. If I responded with a "doing fine, thanks", he'd stop. If I responded with "doing fine, thanks. How are you?", he'd continue with the contact.

 

And he's something like 7 years into his "new" relationship (with the woman he'd dumped me for), so hardly a "rebound". He started texting me just a few months into their relationship.

 

Now, he doesn't love me...not a bit. But if they had an argument, or if he was feeling lonely because she wasn't there with him for some reason, or if he just felt like reaching out, he would. And he claims to love this woman like no other. He's very open with his expressions of love toward her in social media...but he was texting me. He only stopped because I blocked him because I was tired of him contacting me when I had no interest in him at all, as a friend or otherwise.

 

My guess is she's looking for something. Whether it's her regretting their breakup, or she's feeling lonely or in need of attention, or if she's feeling nostalgic...if she wanted to talk to a friend I'm sure she has other friends she could contact. But she chooses to contact HIM, which means there's something he has that she wants. Can't rightly say what that is.

[gypsybird87]

Yes, exes contact but five months into a NEW relationship?

 

I may be misinterpreting the timeline here... but it seems you discovered this around the same time you two began living together. You also cited living together as one of reasons that you found out. JMO, but my guess is that she's been in contact with him the entire 10 months since their breakup, you just weren't aware of it prior to her moving in. As you said, waiting five months to contact him doesn't make sense. I don't think she did wait. I think it's been going on all along.

 

As others have said, there is NO WAY she got over a 9year relationship in a week. It's unlikely that she'd be over it now, 10 months after the fact. It's even MORE unlikely that she's anywhere near over it, since she's been using you as a rebound/distraction this whole time instead of doing the needed work to get over her ex and get her head on straight.

 

Proceed with extreme caution. Eventually she's going to realize that she's not over him and ready to be with you or anyone else, and when that happens, this is likely to come to a painful end. I feel for you.