help! gf texting her ex

[lotus13]

I think she is just trying to be his friend. Try to talk to her about that. See what she has to say n if she's willing to change. As long as there is no physical attachment. I think u guys can work it out.

[wonderboy1986]

I may be misinterpreting the timeline here... but it seems you discovered this around the same time you two began living together. You also cited living together as one of reasons that you found out. JMO, but my guess is that she's been in contact with him the entire 10 months since their breakup, you just weren't aware of it prior to her moving in. As you said, waiting five months to contact him doesn't make sense. I don't think she did wait. I think it's been going on all along.

 

As others have said, there is NO WAY she got over a 9year relationship in a week. It's unlikely that she'd be over it now, 10 months after the fact. It's even MORE unlikely that she's anywhere near over it, since she's been using you as a rebound/distraction this whole time instead of doing the needed work to get over her ex and get her head on straight.

 

Proceed with extreme caution. Eventually she's going to realize that she's not over him and ready to be with you or anyone else, and when that happens, this is likely to come to a painful end. I feel for you.

 

Thank you. My gut feeling is that she's truthful about the start of the conversations. I say this because I know he sent her a birthday card four months after she dumped him (he hadn't contacted for 2.5 months at that point). I thought nothing of the card (didn't realise he was an ex and it was just a simple best wishes, nothing mushy) but I did find out that she asked her brother to send him a thank you text, which I'm told he replied to as neutrally as his replies to my girlfriend. I think if she'd been in contact then, she'd have thanked him herself.

 

His birthday was about a month later and that, I believe, is when she reestablished contact. So including that conversion, seven since the end of May or thereabouts.

[wonderboy1986]

Thank you. My gut feeling is that she's truthful about the start of the conversations. I say this because I know he sent her a birthday card four months after she dumped him (he hadn't contacted for 2.5 months at that point). I thought nothing of the card (didn't realise he was an ex and it was just a simple best wishes, nothing mushy) but I did find out that she asked her brother to send him a thank you text, which I'm told he replied to as neutrally as his replies to my girlfriend. I think if she'd been in contact then, she'd have thanked him herself.

 

His birthday was about a month later and that, I believe, is when she reestablished contact. So including that conversion, seven since the end of May or thereabouts.

 

Bumping for feedback ...

[shiner501]

Bumping for feedback ...

I think you are in the paralysis of analysis. We've said pretty much all that can be said.

[wonderboy1986]

Okay ... a little update.

 

So ... she messaged him again. Long story short, she spoke to someone they both used to work with (her ex still works there), found out a minor bit of office gossip, and that prompted her to text him and ask him how work was going. The difference is that whereas all the other texts have been through the day, this one was sent at 10:30pm. I see on the forums that a late-night text has some significance?

 

She last messaged him a few weeks ago (he never replied) so their last conversation was about a month ago.

 

Opinions welcome. Is she taking a run up at trying to get him back?

[boltnrun]

I don't think I can offer anything else aside from what I've already said.

 

You go back and forth between trying to convince yourself everything's fine and worrying about why she continues to contact him despite knowing it upsets you.

 

So, this has to be your decision. Either you're OK with her texting him or you're not. And if you're not, what are you going to do about it?

[Wiseman2]

You need to ask her this point blank to see where she stands.

prompted her to text him and ask him how work was going. Is she taking a run up at trying to get him back?

[wonderboy1986]

You need to ask her this point blank to see where she stands.

 

I *have* asked - she maintains the friendly text viewpoint. What I'm looking for are people's experiences of this kind of thing. The late night text and the random nature of it (she *could* have gotten anything she could ask him about work from her former co-worker) are strange, and I'm still curious if people think the texts are harmless enough that I'm overreacting.

[Wiseman2]

They are harmful to you because they are making you question the entire relationship and whether she wants to be with him. They are not harmful in themselves because he doesn't even reply to her nonsense breadcrumbs.

she maintains the friendly text viewpoint. I'm still curious if people think the texts are harmless enough that I'm overreacting.

[wonderboy1986]

They are harmful to you because they are making you question the entire relationship and whether she wants to be with him. They are not harmful in themselves because he doesn't even reply to her nonsense breadcrumbs.

 

He *has* actually replied and they've chatted via text each of the last seven times she's initiated contact bar one of them. He also hasn't replied to this one but as I say it was late in the evening and so there's still a chance that he might.

 

And Wiseman2 ... would you define her messages as "nonsense breadcrumbs" as opposed to testing the waters with him, which I guess is my big worry.

[Doc Blaze]

bro why is your gf obsessed with her ex so much..she is thinking about him a alotttt

 

office gossip , gotta message the ex asap..what was the gossip even about...

 

 

whats sad is he doesnt even give her attention yet she goes out of her way to try to get it..

 

 

 

your gf is still trying to get her exes attention..let that sink in ....

[boltnrun]

She is not going to stop messaging him.

 

So, you have two options...accept that she wants to keep herself in her ex's life and just work on not obsessing over it, or end the relationship because her continuing contact with her ex is upsetting you.

[wonderboy1986]

bro why is your gf obsessed with her ex so much..she is thinking about him a alotttt

 

office gossip , gotta message the ex asap..what was the gossip even about...

 

 

whats sad is he doesnt even give her attention yet she goes out of her way to try to get it..

 

 

 

your gf is still trying to get her exes attention..let that sink in ....

 

My gf and her ex used to work together (until she left that job for the one where we met) and the "gossip" was basically that her old job had been advertised, so no big deal really. So ... just an excuse to message him?

 

So ... anyways, he replied, like midday or something so maybe 13 hours after she sent the text, and because she's wanting to be upfront about it she showed me the conversation.

 

Basically, it was an exchange of about 7 or 8 texts. He mentioned he was taking a few days off work and she asked him if he was doing anything nice. He told her he was heading to a local sports event and she said she hoped him and whoever he was going with had a nice time. Her grandmother has been in hospital for a little while and she told him about that, and he said something along the lines of "send her my love". She thanked him and said that means a lot but that it was nothing to worry about.

 

It seemed as though she was the one wanting to keep the conversation going (he never asked any questions or anything) and eventually he said he had to go and that was that.

 

So ... I know what people think about the fact that she's texting him at all, but any views on the content of the conversation? Harmless chit-chat? Some other agenda on her (or his) side? Speculation, I know, but the opinions here have really helped me think this through.

[Doc Blaze]

There is no other advice to give...

 

 

you arent going to get the truth, so pretty much have to deal with it. she isnt going to stop...

 

 

i wouldnt be with someone like this. not for the fact of being friends with an ex

 

but the fact that her ex bf doesnt really even want to talk to her and seems like

he is just trying to be civil and she finds excuses to go out of her way to keep in touch

[MissCanuck]

Bad sign. Very bad sign. There was zero reason for her to contact him about work.

 

You can spin and justify it all you want, but she obviously still likes him. Your relationship is on very thin ice because if he changes his mind and starts reciprocating the interest, she will go back to him.

 

What she is doing is trying to build up your trust and make you believe she always keeps you in the loop about their communication. But what will probably happen is that when they do start communicating about their feelings, you will have no idea...because she is creating the impression that she always informs you when she knocks on his door. One of these days, she won't. And you will just continue assuming that since she's been transparent thus far, there must not be any untoward messages being exchanged, or even that they aren't communicating at all. You are setting yourself up to be burned by trying very hard to convince yourself her messages mean nothing.

 

You aren't good at setting boundaries and she keeps testing you to see what she can reasonably get away with. You can either continue asking people on the internet how you should feel, or you can stand up for yourself. Your choice.

[wonderboy1986]

Bad sign. Very bad sign. There was zero reason for her to contact him about work.

 

You can spin and justify it all you want, but she obviously still likes him. Your relationship is on very thin ice because if he changes his mind and starts reciprocating the interest, she will go back to him.

 

What she is doing is trying to build up your trust and make you believe she always keeps you in the loop about their communication. But what will probably happen is that when they do start communicating about their feelings, you will have no idea...because she is creating the impression that she always informs you when she knocks on his door. One of these days, she won't. And you will just continue assuming that since she's been transparent thus far, there must not be any untoward messages being exchanged, or even that they aren't communicating at all. You are setting yourself up to be burned by trying very hard to convince yourself her messages mean nothing.

 

You aren't good at setting boundaries and she keeps testing you to see what she can reasonably get away with. You can either continue asking people on the internet how you should feel, or you can stand up for yourself. Your choice.

 

Thanks. I honestly know how I feel. I love her, and I've already gone through here the stages our relationship is advancing through. I can't understand how things could move so fast and be so ... I don't know ... IN DEPTH so quickly if it wasn't real love on her side.

 

Even if she STARTED contacting him five months ago, she hasn't really advanced anything beyond that. I'm wondering, if OUR relationship IS a rebound, then surely in the last five months when she's been contacting him she'd have done something more proactive to get him back rather than these very general conversations? Surely in five months she'd have asked him to meet, or something???

[trickykid]

Thanks. I honestly know how I feel. I love her, and I've already gone through here the stages our relationship is advancing through. I can't understand how things could move so fast and be so ... I don't know ... IN DEPTH so quickly if it wasn't real love on her side.

 

Even if she STARTED contacting him five months ago, she hasn't really advanced anything beyond that. I'm wondering, if OUR relationship IS a rebound, then surely in the last five months when she's been contacting him she'd have done something more proactive to get him back rather than these very general conversations? Surely in five months she'd have asked him to meet, or something???

 

How do you know they havnt met?

[boltnrun]

Seems to me like he is being mature and respecting the fact that she is in a relationship.

 

SHE, however, is not.

 

Indirectly asking him who he's bringing to this sports event? She was fishing to try to find out if he's dating anyone! WHY is that her business??? Is it because she's jealous and fearful he may be moving on, that he might be getting over her???

 

She's frantic to keep herself in front of him. Why, only she can say.

 

But as I said several times before, you're twisting yourself into a pretzel, repeating yourself over and over, trying desperately to convince yourself that it's all innocent, she just wants to be FRIENDS with this ex, and it really means nothing, she really DOES love you!!!

 

But the fact that she keeps shoving herself in front of him indicates otherwise.

 

You can keep posting on here asking for feedback and opinions, but at the end of the day she is not going to stop. So YOU have to decide if it's acceptable to you to be in a relationship with a woman who refuses to let go of her ex.

[Doc Blaze]

why your gf and her ex break up?

[wonderboy1986]

why your gf and her ex break up?

 

As far as I know, they were okay until she started working in her current job (the same job as me). We started working together in maybe late September and by December she'd finished with him and we were an item. She says that it was difficult to maintain their relationship because the different working hours made it tougher for them to spend time together.

 

As for the question "how do I know they haven't met?" ... Well, we've been together for the last 10 months (spending pretty much every day together) and we've been living together for almost the last six months (though she was spending most weekends with me at my place even before she moved in).

 

We work/live together, so we're pretty much in each other's company 24/7, and we live in a different city to her ex (only a train ride away, but still, I drive us both back and forth to work every day).

 

She'd have to make VERY specific arrangements to meet him (it couldn't happen by chance) and so, yeah, I'm confident they haven't met, and I think it's a very good sign for me that in the last seven or eight conversations she's initiated with him, she hasn't suggested any kind of meeting, or even a phone call. Just text.

[Doc Blaze]

who broke up with who?

 

if they broke up because of not being able to see each other enough, and rushed into things with you, wouldnt doubt if a small amount of her is thinking about him..obviously the text messaging suggests that.

[wonderboy1986]

who broke up with who?

 

if they broke up because of not being able to see each other enough, and rushed into things with you, wouldnt doubt if a small amount of her is thinking about him..obviously the text messaging suggests that.

 

She broke up with him.

 

He tried to contact with a few texts and emails every few weeks for about 6 weeks, until he found out she was seeing someone. Then he stopped, until he sent her a birthday card five months after they split (nothing mushy) and a few weeks later she contacted him to wish HIM a happy birthday.

 

Then ... every four weeks or so since then.

 

So, if she broke up with him, does that make any difference to the rebound aspect or her contact with him?

[MissCanuck]

She broke up with him.

 

He tried to contact with a few texts and emails every few weeks for about 6 weeks, until he found out she was seeing someone. Then he stopped, until he sent her a birthday card five months after they split (nothing mushy) and a few weeks later she contacted him to wish HIM a happy birthday.

 

Then ... every four weeks or so since then.

 

So, if she broke up with him, does that make any difference to the rebound aspect or her contact with him?

 

Not really.

 

She is still the one keeping up with him, not the other way around.

 

As we've told you for 15 pages, that is why you should be concerned. She likes him. He's on her mind. And she acts on it by dropping hints that she's thinking about him. Even if he never reciprocates her feelings, the very fact that she still wants to be in his life like this is the problem.

[wonderboy1986]

So ... last Sunday evening, she text him again. She was quite open about messaging him, as her point is that she wants to remain on friendly terms with someone that she's known for such a long time. Later, her phone was unlocked and I looked. I'm not proud of it, but nevertheless I'm hoping for some opinions on their conversation.

 

Her messages have averaged out at about one a month, but the last one before Sunday was about two weeks ago. She asked him a question about a former co-worker, as random an opening as every one of the eight or nine conversations she's initiated over the last six months or so. Interestingly, she admitted to him that she could have gotten the info in a number of other ways, but told him that it was also a good reason for her to "check in" with him.

 

He answered her question and told her that she was welcome to get in touch any time, and her response was that he could check in with her at any time too, "if he wanted to".

 

So they had a kind of catch up conversation, maybe a little more relaxed and jokey than the others. At one point she asked him "Can U keep a secret?" before disclosing some silly mistake she'd made at our place of work. It sounds like nothing, but we all know how it feels when the texture of communication shifts a little, and that's how this felt (though obviously it's hard for me to be totally objective). Like ... the "secret" preface was unneeded, like she could have just told him the work story?

 

At one point he didn't reply for about twenty minutes. About ten or fifteen minutes into being "ignored" she text him a couple of questions, just asking if he was okay in work and whatever.

 

Turns out he lost his phone signal for a little while, and when he text again to explain and say goodnight, she sent back a "No worries, take care (his surname)". As I understand it, their surnames were kind of their "pet names" for one another.

 

So ... honest opinions? As I say, I realise it was a low move to check her phone, but I did, and what I'd like to focus on is the nature of their conversation. Day to day, there are no apparent cracks in OUR relationship, but should I be worried? Is this a conversation between two old friends or something more?

[Doc Blaze]

I dunno what you want from people. This is nothing new. You knew she was doing it.

 

Its up to you on what you think is ok and what you are not comfortable with...

 

 

 

Like ive said multiple times, a part of your gf is still with her ex. she isn't fully invested into you.

 

 

She seeks out attention from her ex often..

 

 

Nothing bad has been said yetttttt because he actually is being respectful, for now.

 

 

If I was in your shoes, I would break up with her because this is not a friendly 50/50 friendship

she seeks him out. "to check up" but why check up on someone who doesn't return the friendship

the same way? Lets be honest here.