help! gf texting her ex

[Sobb44]

Thank you x

 

I feel the next thing I should do is wait. I've questioned her about it, but she sticks to the "friendly hello" angle. I asked her straight up if he ever texts first and she said no (I don't know if she wants him to?)

 

I think we'll be okay unless she starts to think about meeting up with him, or suggesting that. I'm guessing tho, as his responses are friendly but neutral, that'll dissuade her from taking it further.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I aggree with MissCanuck. But please see what you are saying. Your saying as long as he keeps being neutral, it will prevent her from taking it further. If I was with someone....and they were texting an ex....I would hope they wouldnt anymore after it was out and discussed. I'd be concerned that my partners 'feelings' aren't 100 with me....that they were really with the other person. And I was just a temp solution for her problem (feelings of being alone) right now. If she doesnt make you feel that way....then good. But if she does. You need to consider that. You have decided to wait. And that is ok. It is your life, and you, not me, are the one in this situation. I hope it all works out. And I did pray for you on my drive in to work this morning! Take care!

[H3ll0k1tty]

I would ask her straight up as to why she's been contacting him. It could end badly, but what's worse than not knowing?

[wonderboy1986]

I would ask her straight up as to why she's been contacting him. It could end badly, but what's worse than not knowing?

 

I did ask straight up. Her answer is just that she wants to be friendly with him.

[milly007]

Does she know you're uncomfortable with her contacting him? Or does she think you're indifferent?

 

Also, I'd like to know how your girlfriend would feel if the tables were turned and it was you contacting your ex.

[wonderboy1986]

Does she know you're uncomfortable with her contacting him? Or does she think you're indifferent?

 

Also, I'd like to know how your girlfriend would feel if the tables were turned and it was you contacting your ex.

 

She knows I'm confused by it. This is turning into a long thread but if you haven't read it, people are pretty much saying I'm a rebound, and I guess that's what I'm afraid of.

 

Her view is that, as the texts are neutral in content (his side especially) there's no harm in them, but I'm wondering if that she's texting her ex AT ALL after ten months with me, that's saying something right there

[Ksol9]

There is an emotional attachment there and that is why she keeps reaching out to him. You need to address this with her as soon as possible because in time it can lead to more. Communicate what you're feeling and ask her what the underlying reasons are for them to be in communication still. If you don't feel comfortable with them talking, ask her to stop. Put boundaries in place now. If she doesn't respect those boundaries, 6ypu will need to ask for a break or split up. I think this needs to be dealt with now.

 

 

Good luck to you.

[jennydanielle7]

According to researchers and other important people blah blah blah; the average amount of time to heal from a break-up is the half the length of the relationship spent with the other person.

 

For example, I was with my ex-fiance for 3.5 years, and I have been separated for five months now; so it will approximately take me at least seven more months or so to get over him...er I think. I'm not good with math. However, I am not agreeing with this fact because everyone heals at a different length of time.

 

But even so, long-term relationships require at least a year or more to fully heal. Unfortunately, you are on the rebound boat. A few months wasn't enough for her to heal from the relationship, and if she still contacting him; then it concludes that she is holding onto him.

 

The magical question is why?... Why is she contacting him now after five months of no contact and has declared her undying love for you? Why is she contacting him after you and her went on vacay? Why, why, why?!

 

I'll tell you why. The answer is because she still misses him. She is making excuses that she is contacting him for friendly reasons, but you know deep down that is all baloney. I will be honest, I still miss my ex, but I have no incentive to talk to him because I know the relationship is long gone and the only choice I have is to LET GO.

 

Unfortunately, your ex hasn't. It is obvious that if she is initiating the texts, then she is still holding onto to him and thinking about him; aaaaand if she knows that her actions make you very uncomfortable and yet still continues to do it, then why are tolerating this type of behavior?

 

The honeymoon stage is over; she is probably going through motions of realizations that she still misses her ex, and is probably with you for the sake of comfort. Everyone else agrees that you are the rebound relationship. The only conclusion is all on you.

 

Communicate with her. See what her true incentives are, and if she still decides to talk with her ex, then it really all boils down to you if you truly want to deal with that. Life is too short to deal with people who are still clinging onto past relationships. It always leads to heartbreak.

[boltnrun]

I know you keep saying 10 months is too long for a rebound, but if she started contacting her ex 5 months ago...that means it was only 5 months into your relationship. Which is certainly well within the "rebound" time frame.

 

She probably realized she jumped in with you too soon. Maybe as a bandaid or a distraction, maybe because she thought it would help her move on, who knows. But 5 months in, she realized she missed her ex. And that's when she started trying to insert herself back into his life.

 

And that's what she's doing. She seems to need to keep reminding him that she exists, and that she's thinking about him. She just won't let it go, which means it's important to her for him to know she thinks about him.

 

Just because she hasn't arranged to meet up doesn't mean she isn't hoping HE suggests it. In fact, I'd bet on it.

 

And if he does, I'm afraid it will be Goodbye Wonderboy. She'll need space, or she'll need to be "alone" for a while, whatever. And of course she'll want to be "friends" with you because you're a great guy, blah blah blah.

 

Bottom line, how do you feel about being in a relationship with someone who is clearly emotionally attached to her ex?

 

I know I would feel like the consolation prize or the backup. Not like I was sincerely loved.

[MissCanuck]

I know you keep saying 10 months is too long for a rebound, but if she started contacting her ex 5 months ago...that means it was only 5 months into your relationship. Which is certainly well within the "rebound" time frame.

 

She probably realized she jumped in with you too soon. Maybe as a bandaid or a distraction, maybe because she thought it would help her move on, who knows. But 5 months in, she realized she missed her ex. And that's when she started trying to insert herself back into his life.

 

And that's what she's doing. She seems to need to keep reminding him that she exists, and that she's thinking about him. She just won't let it go, which means it's important to her for him to know she thinks about him.

 

Just because she hasn't arranged to meet up doesn't mean she isn't hoping HE suggests it. In fact, I'd bet on it.

 

And if he does, I'm afraid it will be Goodbye Wonderboy. She'll need space, or she'll need to be "alone" for a while, whatever. And of course she'll want to be "friends" with you because you're a great guy, blah blah blah.

 

Bottom line, how do you feel about being in a relationship with someone who is clearly emotionally attached to her ex?

 

I know I would feel like the consolation prize or the backup. Not like I was sincerely loved.

 

Spot-on.

 

Whether or not her ex is responsive is irrelevant, OP. The fact is that her heart isn't completely with you, thus meaning she just isn't invested the way you hoped she was.

 

Sorry.

[wonderboy1986]

I know you keep saying 10 months is too long for a rebound, but if she started contacting her ex 5 months ago...that means it was only 5 months into your relationship. Which is certainly well within the "rebound" time frame.

 

She probably realized she jumped in with you too soon. Maybe as a bandaid or a distraction, maybe because she thought it would help her move on, who knows. But 5 months in, she realized she missed her ex. And that's when she started trying to insert herself back into his life.

 

And that's what she's doing. She seems to need to keep reminding him that she exists, and that she's thinking about him. She just won't let it go, which means it's important to her for him to know she thinks about him.

 

Just because she hasn't arranged to meet up doesn't mean she isn't hoping HE suggests it. In fact, I'd bet on it.

 

And if he does, I'm afraid it will be Goodbye Wonderboy. She'll need space, or she'll need to be "alone" for a while, whatever. And of course she'll want to be "friends" with you because you're a great guy, blah blah blah.

 

Bottom line, how do you feel about being in a relationship with someone who is clearly emotionally attached to her ex?

 

I know I would feel like the consolation prize or the backup. Not like I was sincerely loved.

 

Good points!

 

I don't think he'll suggest to meet up. As I say, everything has pointed to him backing off seven months ago, and even his texts now are very ... uninvolved? An example, she keeps mentioning things that we've done (she's never mentioned me directly), things like ... events in the city where she lives with me, or driving to work (he knows she doesn't drive), and in all the texts I've seen he has never ONCE said stuff like "Who's driving?" or whatever, or ANY question that gives her an opportunity to elaborate.

 

He's responding and friendly, but showing no interest in meeting up, or contacting first. Which makes me wonder WHY she keeps initiating the conversations if he's not giving anything back. I know that, in the last conversation, she called him by his nickname (something she hasn't done in the texts before, which is why I noticed it). When I called her out on it, she said it was just something friendly.

 

So ... he won't ask her for coffee or anything, so at least they won't meet, which I'm glad about.

[boltnrun]

Good points!

 

I don't think he'll suggest to meet up. As I say, everything has pointed to him backing off seven months ago, and even his texts now are very ... uninvolved? An example, she keeps mentioning things that we've done (she's never mentioned me directly), things like ... events in the city where she lives with me, or driving to work (he knows she doesn't drive), and in all the texts I've seen he has never ONCE said stuff like "Who's driving?" or whatever, or ANY question that gives her an opportunity to elaborate.

 

He's responding and friendly, but showing no interest in meeting up, or contacting first. Which makes me wonder WHY she keeps initiating the conversations if he's not giving anything back. I know that, in the last conversation, she called him by his nickname (something she hasn't done in the texts before, which is why I noticed it). When I called her out on it, she said it was just something friendly.

 

So ... he won't ask her for coffee or anything, so at least they won't meet, which I'm glad about.

 

But are you "glad" about how she insists on trying to keep herself in his life, and how she seems to need to keep reminding him she's thinking about him? What about the escalating personal nature of the contact (calling him by her nickname for him)?

 

It seems to me that you don't care at all about her possible feelings for him as long as they have no physical contact.

[MissCanuck]

But are you "glad" about how she insists on trying to keep herself in his life, and how she seems to need to keep reminding him she's thinking about him? What about the escalating personal nature of the contact (calling him by her nickname for him)?

 

It seems to me that you don't care at all about her possible feelings for him as long as they have no physical contact.

 

This is what I don't get, either.

 

OP, it appears that you are okay with her having feelings for him as long as he doesn't reciprocate. Is that accurate?

 

If so, there's not much more to do or say here.

[misssmithviii]

I have so many thoughts about this I don't know where to even begin!!

 

As I was reading I had a few thoughts. First off, you're trying to rationalize emotions... and that's absolutely futile. You can sit there thinking, 6 months versus 10 months, how many texts etc etc and still have trouble sleeping at night because there is no hard and fast answer. The point of all this, of what I think every poster on here is thinking is that - she crossed a line when she reached out (and still is) to her ex bf... and you're too busy contemplating the "why" behind it all before you've even asked yourself what you're going to do about it.

 

I've noticed that people (including myself) like to over analyze the "why this" and "well what about that" with a problem, because it delays and distracts from the uncomfortable decisions that must be made.

 

Everyone has their own ideas on what they can and cannot live with. You must ask yourself definitively, with a yes or no, will you stay with her if her behavior does not change? Right now, you're not ready to leave her... that's why you're pouring over every other possible conclusion. You're waiting for validation that somehow, this is all okay. That she can text her ex as a friend and it doesn't have to mean anything, despite everyone else and your own gut are telling you otherwise. Because the contrary is too tough to deal with.

 

... That being said. I struggle with not texting my ex even now, while I'm in a relationship. To clarify, I'm very happy with my bf - he's this gorgeous Physicist who free dives/spear fishes with me... he provides me with stimulation I had been craving before and other aspects of a relationship I've never had. He loves me in ways I've never imagined and complements my personality.

So why do I still find myself yearning to talk to my ex every now and then, nearly 2 years later?

Because my ex gave me attention in a different way that only he could. My ex was my best friend for so long, and he was comfortable ground. So I crave texting my ex when my own self-esteem is down, when I'm feeling insecure, or when I really just want to talk to someone. I still love my ex in a way. I just also know we were wrong for each other - we didn't satisfy each other's romantic needs. But boy could we hold a conversation. We talked literally all the time, and I miss that.

Because now? My bf is mostly the quiet type, and if I had it my way we'd talk all the time too. I miss talking to someone I love all the time. I could even say I feel lonely without it. My ex and I texted constantly, talked constantly because we always just wanted to talk to each other and it didn't matter what we talked about. I miss that so much.

 

So how many times have I texted him? NONE.

 

Because I love my bf. And I have the self-awareness, self-control not to text my ex. If I texted my ex, whether or not my bf knew about it, I would be breaching trust. And I couldn't continue the relationship without telling my bf.

 

She knows it bothers you, and she's still doing it. That's behavior I personally, couldn't live with. Can you?

[wonderboy1986]

[/b]

 

This is what I don't get, either.

 

OP, it appears that you are okay with her having feelings for him as long as he doesn't reciprocate. Is that accurate?

 

If so, there's not much more to do or say here.

 

I'm not OKAY with it, by any means. I'm just aware of "laying down the law" over the issue when everything else in our relationship is fine. It's more ... that I'm guessing without physical contact, without him inititiating the texts etc, it'll give her space to sort out her feelings in my favour (she's been with me TEN months, the same amount of time that she's never been in his vicinity or heard his voice or anything).

 

I figure if it can't go anywhere (as I say she's not asking him to meet, so that's a good sign that she's not missing him all THAT much), then maybe we can work on this.

[MissCanuck]

What you're not really getting is that if she is not committed to you fully (and her actions suggest she's not) you're at risk of this happening again with another guy.

 

If it's not the ex, it could well be someone else in the future because her heart isn't all in with you.

 

Just my two cents.

[wonderboy1986]

What you're not really getting is that if she is not committed to you fully (and her actions suggest she's not) you're at risk of this happening again with another guy.

 

If it's not the ex, it could well be someone else in the future because her heart isn't all in with you.

 

Just my two cents.

 

To be honest, I don't actually think another guy would be a problem. She's always been (for want of a better term) respectful of the relationship. I think her ex is a separate issue, kind of.

 

What people seem to agree on (and I'll be honest, I've looked on lots of different forums for stories similar to my own) is that texting an EX for any reason other than say, exchanging belongings or whatever, is a HUGE red flag that a connection exists.

 

She still has some of his belongings actually, nothing personal just a few dvds etc. As far as I know he's never asked for them back.

 

She's on vacay with her family this week, so at least I have some thinking time. I keep thinking "She left him for me, she moved into my house, she loves me." There can't be a romantic connection, not with the time and distance between them, and the fact he's not chasing. Surely that must put her off contacting him at some point?

[boltnrun]

I get that you're trying to reassure yourself, but she's been contacting him for FIVE months. Half of your relationship with her.

 

Just so I'm clear, you are 100% fine with her contacting and having feelings for him as long as she doesn't see him in person? You're OK with her continuing to try to keep herself in his life as long as he doesn't respond in a welcoming way?

 

I'm not trying to be mean here, but you seem satisfied with her having feelings for him as long as she's physically present with you. And if that's the case, then there really isn't a problem here.

[FlashEng1]

To be honest, I don't actually think another guy would be a problem. She's always been (for want of a better term) respectful of the relationship. I think her ex is a separate issue, kind of.

 

What people seem to agree on (and I'll be honest, I've looked on lots of different forums for stories similar to my own) is that texting an EX for any reason other than say, exchanging belongings or whatever, is a HUGE red flag that a connection exists.

 

She still has some of his belongings actually, nothing personal just a few dvds etc. As far as I know he's never asked for them back.

 

She's on vacay with her family this week, so at least I have some thinking time. I keep thinking "She left him for me, she moved into my house, she loves me." There can't be a romantic connection, not with the time and distance between them, and the fact he's not chasing. Surely that must put her off contacting him at some point?

 

I certainly echo boltnrun's latest post on the situation.. If you're okay with her having internal feelings for him, or missing him over time, or even desiring to be back with him and ultimately seeing him behind your back (a wild guess that is sure to eventually happen).. Then okay (All examples are the same red flag/relationship killer for me... But that's in my book only.)

 

Another thing to remember: If she left to be with you, she can (and history shows!) she can very well find someone and do the exact same to you.

 

 

Another thing is, that seems to be the overall theme of your situation, is you're constantly finding conflicting stories/situations... I'd spend this thinking time gathering your own "principles" or boundaries, and find a way to stick with them... One of the many problems of seeking similar stories, or general consensus is: It STILL doesn't pertain to you, nor does it mean that what is being said is the case with your girlfriend. It's much like WebMD in that you start reading about certain symptoms and side effects, and you start believing you have shingles, hep-c, and the flu mixed into one seemingly rare disease when really it's just a stomach bug.

 

If talking to your girlfriend to get a straight answer isn't proving to be fruitful, then it's time to cut the slack, and stand up for yourself entirely, and decide "Okay, I will choose to not be in a relationship where my girlfriend does X after we've talked about it." and stick to those principles.

[wonderboy1986]

I certainly echo boltnrun's latest post on the situation.. If you're okay with her having internal feelings for him, or missing him over time, or even desiring to be back with him and ultimately seeing him behind your back (a wild guess that is sure to eventually happen).. Then okay (All examples are the same red flag/relationship killer for me... But that's in my book only.)

 

Another thing to remember: If she left to be with you, she can (and history shows!) she can very well find someone and do the exact same to you.

 

 

Another thing is, that seems to be the overall theme of your situation, is you're constantly finding conflicting stories/situations... I'd spend this thinking time gathering your own "principles" or boundaries, and find a way to stick with them... One of the many problems of seeking similar stories, or general consensus is: It STILL doesn't pertain to you, nor does it mean that what is being said is the case with your girlfriend. It's much like WebMD in that you start reading about certain symptoms and side effects, and you start believing you have shingles, hep-c, and the flu mixed into one seemingly rare disease when really it's just a stomach bug.

 

If talking to your girlfriend to get a straight answer isn't proving to be fruitful, then it's time to cut the slack, and stand up for yourself entirely, and decide "Okay, I will choose to not be in a relationship where my girlfriend does X after we've talked about it." and stick to those principles.

 

I won't argue with the points you've all made about worrying. I couldn't. I'm more grateful than I can say for all the support and advice given here.

 

Thing is ... she SAYS she's being friendly. I'm not happy about it but ... you know that phrase "You're only as good as you're last song/movie/book/whatever"? What if she's only as interested in him as her last text, and her feelings for him fade? What if she NEVER texts him again (opinions on the likelihood of that welcome) and I walk away for nothing?

[boltnrun]

I won't argue with the points you've all made about worrying. I couldn't. I'm more grateful than I can say for all the support and advice given here.

 

Thing is ... she SAYS she's being friendly. I'm not happy about it but ... you know that phrase "You're only as good as you're last song/movie/book/whatever"? What if she's only as interested in him as her last text, and her feelings for him fade? What if she NEVER texts him again (opinions on the likelihood of that welcome) and I walk away for nothing?

 

Highly unlikely.

 

She's been texting him for FIVE MONTHS. It's not like it was his birthday or something and she texted a one-time friendly birthday wish.

 

How often has she texted him? Once a week? Once a month?

[wonderboy1986]

Highly unlikely.

 

She's been texting him for FIVE MONTHS. It's not like it was his birthday or something and she texted a one-time friendly birthday wish.

 

How often has she texted him? Once a week? Once a month?

 

It's interesting that you mention his birthday. That was when she reestablished contact after five months of silence. I don't know if that's a red flag?

 

And roughly ... once every four weeks. Seven times since the start of June.

[FlashEng1]

It's interesting that you mention his birthday. That was when she reestablished contact after five months of silence. I don't know if that's a red flag?

 

And roughly ... once every four weeks. Seven times since the start of June.

 

Again, you're creating additional excuses and giving her more slack than she deserves..

 

The very SIMPLE, VANILLA fact of your situation is: Your girlfriend has reached out to her ex boyfriend, and has continuously kept in contact with him for quite some time.

 

Part 2 - If she continues doing it AFTER you have expressed concern about it happening and your desire for it to stop, then that's all you really need ultimately. Strike 3/Part 3 is you walking away.

 

IMHO, you MUST approach situations like this in this manner.. You're absolutely right in that what if, what if, what if.. What if she texts you in the next hour that it literally just dawned on her how rude she has been texting him, and how she sat and imagined how hurt she'd be if the roles were flipped.

 

But question is: Do you want to live in the clouds/fantasy world with reality being an entirely different situation; or do you want to be with someone in real life that fits what you want in a partner, does what you desire/require in a relationship, and ultimately wants and believes the same things as you (within reason)??

 

 

 

Here's a better what if: What if you're wrong. You can find out right now, today, by walking away. She'll either wake up and go through the motions of getting you back, or she'll not and go back to the ex.

[wonderboy1986]

Again, you're creating additional excuses and giving her more slack than she deserves..

 

The very SIMPLE, VANILLA fact of your situation is: Your girlfriend has reached out to her ex boyfriend, and has continuously kept in contact with him for quite some time.

 

Part 2 - If she continues doing it AFTER you have expressed concern about it happening and your desire for it to stop, then that's all you really need ultimately. Strike 3/Part 3 is you walking away.

 

IMHO, you MUST approach situations like this in this manner.. You're absolutely right in that what if, what if, what if.. What if she texts you in the next hour that it literally just dawned on her how rude she has been texting him, and how she sat and imagined how hurt she'd be if the roles were flipped.

 

But question is: Do you want to live in the clouds/fantasy world with reality being an entirely different situation; or do you want to be with someone in real life that fits what you want in a partner, does what you desire/require in a relationship, and ultimately wants and believes the same things as you (within reason)??

 

 

 

Here's a better what if: What if you're wrong. You can find out right now, today, by walking away. She'll wake up and go through the motions of getting you back, or she'll not and go back to the ex.

 

You're absolutely right.

 

Can I ask a question though? In people's experience (not necessarily my exact situation but rather ... when a dumper reaches out again after say five months), is this kind of initiated contact (and it's frequency) unusual? Have people found that it's normally the dumper seeking reconciliation?

[boltnrun]

Repeated contact means he is repeatedly on her mind.

 

She reached out SEVEN times!

 

Let me ask you...would you reach out seven times to someone who wasn't frequently on your mind and for whom you have zero feelings? Would you contact an ex seven times while in a relationship with someone you truly loved and felt happy and content with?

[FlashEng1]

You're absolutely right.

 

Can I ask a question though? In people's experience (not necessarily my exact situation but rather ... when a dumper reaches out again after say five months), is this kind of initiated contact (and it's frequency) unusual? Have people found that it's normally the dumper seeking reconciliation?

 

I'm not sure I understand either question, my apologies. Care to rephrase?