My Son ignores or avoids me

[Ms Darcy]

YES, I did tell him last week how I felt. So maybe I planted a seed. We'll see,

 

Communication is about the message received and not what is said. How did he respond?

[bungalo]

Thanks for sharing this information. I'm still not getting a picture of your relationship with him prior to this ... but I'm going to guess you may not be a man of many words in general.

 

My sister has gone through divorce and had a lot of therapy. She is the primary caregiver. A couple of her therapists have indicated that her kids, two boys, gravitate towards the parents they are more emotionally connected with. One sons towards the mom; another towards the dad.

 

One thing I would encourage you to do is not to come to conclusions. It sounds like you two don't talk. Unless and until you do, you're sort of in the dark about how he feels. So, talk to him. Don't assume. Most relationships are better for that.

 

I am in fact quite loquacious. We don't really talk unless I am lucky enough to get him on the phone. I do all the calling, texting, emailing...etc. It sounds like you're looking for some kind of disconnect between the two of us, or some major falling out, these wasn't one. As he has gotten older, he keeps me at arm's length. There isn't an event or incident which precipitated this. His sister has said that he treats her that way too fairly often-I personally believe that he was traumatized by his mother, as was his sister. Everyone handles things differently.

[arjumand]

WHY does the issue of his weight need to be addressed by his father? Seriously -- do you think he doesn't KNOW he is overweight? This is a grown man with a wife -- who no doubt tells him he needs to get in shape. My husband is overweight (although now, finally, working on it after several years) and this is ALL his father wants to discuss with him -- his father who is very small naturally. My husband has almost no interest in speaking to him anymore because he can't see anything else about his son -- who is successful, a community leader and a great cook, friend, husband and father.

[Hermes]

Yeh.

 

The OP said:

" I am also very concerned about him being very overweight, with a horrible diet and the fact that he stopped exercising. I don't nag or dwell on this stuff when I see him...but it's a big concern."

 

Too right it's a big concern....

[Ms Darcy]

I am in fact quite loquacious. We don't really talk unless I am lucky enough to get him on the phone. I do all the calling, texting, emailing...etc. It sounds like you're looking for some kind of disconnect between the two of us, or some major falling out, these wasn't one. As he has gotten older, he keeps me at arm's length. There isn't an event or incident which precipitated this. His sister has said that he treats her that way too fairly often-I personally believe that he was traumatized by his mother, as was his sister. Everyone handles things differently.

 

I'm not necessarily looking for an event, just for a fuller picture of how the relationship was. If and when it was ever good and what 'good' looked like. And yes, I should distinguish between being a person of many words orally versus in writing. There are a lot of questions asked that have been unanswered, so that's why I still feel there is missing info - but of course that's just me!

 

It is telling to me that you are a bit overweight (and I would assume that your wife is probably overweight to be honest ... but I don't know for sure of course). So an earlier poster's point about not bringing it up because it might sound hypocritical is a good one to keep in mind.

[Hermes]

"A couple of weeks ago he went to the ER, citing a nervous breakdown. They prescribed him some anti-anxiety meds, and he says he feels better.

and

 

To add to this, he has a tendency to lie, embellish and exaggerate."

 

There would seem to be quite a few issues going on, never mind the physical ones.

[Seraphim]

I don't think this is so much about issues or weight as building a positive relationship . Maybe he's happy with the relationship as it is .

[catfeeder]

I am unable to understand why the issue of overweight cannot be approached. In a diplomatic way of course. After all, any responsible physician would tell a grossly overweight patient to get treated......

 

Because when a relationship is in a fragile state, that's never the time to raise anything that can even remotely be perceived as judgmental. The guy is 31 years old and lives in a land of the mirror. He was also hospitalized--so it makes no sense to add an unwelcome 2 cents to a pile of evidence that his doctors could not have ignored addressing before discharging him.

 

OP, I haven't read all the replies yet, so this may be redundant. Adult children of divorce often gravitate to the weaker parent because they don't credit them with the capacity to view them through the clearer lens. If you're the 'sane' one, then your opinions count more and can have more impact--and most people want to avoid disappointing the stronger parent when we are disappointed in ourselves.

 

I would keep up with the texting, even if it's just to forward a funny joke or pic, or to say sentimental things, like, "I just heard the old XYZ song and thought of you..." I would also raise occasional temptations that the two of you can do together, one-on-one, without your wife. He may not take the bait often, but just putting it out there sends the message that you're still there for him and love him. An occasional card or postcard or little surprise gift in the mail is also a way to stay connected without proposing any demands on him right now.

 

He's going through a rough time, and that can be too difficult to navigate with a parent you adore as your audience. I'd just hang in there and keep being as thoughtful and as demonstrative as he will allow you to be, and never--ever--come off as critical of his mother. That is an attack on half his DNA, and he will internalize that and it will distance him from you rather than bond him in favor of you.

 

Head high.

[journeynow]

It's possible he senses your disappointment in him. That combined with your judgmental view of his mother, and the fact that he is feeling stressed and exhausted and over busy might make it hard for him to want to connect. I'd back off and work on accepting him and where is in his life right now. He's busy being 31, figuring out his own life and his plate is full. It doesn't necessarily mean he's rejecting you. He may feel he's juggling as much as he can and anything he adds right now needs to be a stress-reliever.

[journeynow]

talks and thinks exclusively about herself 24/7

 

This is thinking you need to let go of, it creates a barrier between you and your son. Of course she doesn't talk 24/7, and you cannot know what she thinks. AND I am assuming you are not living with her, so any statement you make about what she is doing 24/7 is conjecture and not helping your situation or state of mind. You don't have to like her but you don't even have to think about her, she's not your partner any more.

[abitbroken]

Yeh.

 

The OP said:

" I am also very concerned about him being very overweight, with a horrible diet and the fact that he stopped exercising. I don't nag or dwell on this stuff when I see him...but it's a big concern."

 

Too right it's a big concern....

 

That is something for his wife, who is the person who is closest to him and knows him best now to discuss, not the dad he barely talks to. If you want a relationship with your son, just keep doing what you are doing until your son makes the turn and decides to reach out. But how much do you text and does he not answer? If you text daily and he never answers, i might dial it back for a short time to see if he initiates. But other than that, I would make sure my texts are not accusatory or nagging about not coming over.

 

Also, it could be your ex-wife has told tales about you as well. Did she "turn" your kids against you after the divorce? if a son feels dad "left" mom, he is more likely to protect mom vs a situation where mom cheated, etc.

[Hermes]

The OP said (also)

 

"I don't nag or dwell on this stuff when I see him...but it's a big concern."

[bungalo]

Unless the person is in shape, I don't want to hear it. That's just how I am. Bungalo said HIS dad told him he was overweight, so it'd be the pot calling the kettle calling the pot black.

 

I'm actually not scary overweight...but I only see my Dad rarely (he's 1500 miles away). I used to be a stick..so he's used to seeing that guy.

[ThatwasThen]

I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if this has been answered but have you actually come right out and just told him that you miss him and that his avoidance is hurting you?

[qwaspolk82]

My son is 31. He got married 2 years ago. His mother and I have been divorced since he was 6 years old. I and my ex-wife have both remarried. My son is in a high pressure job. Recently the company closed one of their Midwest offices and he inherited extra work-adding to the stress. The excuse he uses for very rarely having any contact with me is that he's too busy, exhausted, stressed out..etc. Sadly, our primary method of communication is texting. He usually doesn't pick up the phone. A couple of weeks ago he went to the ER, citing a nervous breakdown. They prescribed him some anti-anxiety meds, and he says he feels better.

 

I will invite him and his wife for dinner, and I get a text back saying he's too busy, working, stressed...etc. I usually plan these dinners for Sunday, when there is the least likelihood of him having to work. He has been able to make it in the past, but this is becoming a rarity now. To add to this, he has a tendency to lie, embellish and exaggerate. This has been a life long pattern for him. His mother has serious emotional and mental problems. She is verbally, and at times physically abusive, possibly Borderline Personality Disordered. She was diagnosed as Bi-Polar a long time ago. Interestingly, my son and his sister-whom I'm closer with- will both spend time with their abusive Mom on all the major holidays. I get the crumbs, or no time at all on the holidays. I have helped both of my adult children out financially, and have always been there for emotional support. Their mother hasn't worked in decades, is not nurturing or emotionally supportive at all, talks and thinks exclusively about herself 24/7.

 

I want to get back on track with my son, but it just seems like he is drifting further and further from me.

 

Maybe he is just too busy. You said he picked up an extra work load. He went to the ER and has anti-anxiety meds now. Sounds like he has a lot on his plate.

 

Sometime when he has his work load freed up you can ask him to meet with you and talk to him or talk to him on the phone about how you feel.

 

If their mother does have all these issues and you don't maybe they feel sorry for her and they want to try to help her.

 

I think you're taking it way too personally honestly. He has a lot of stress in his life and maybe you are stressing him out even more and making him feel bad about not seeing you. Think about it from his view.

[qwaspolk82]

That's why people have to study to give advice to overweight or out of shape people. Being slim doesn't make you a winner at life--it just means you have a fast metabolism or you eat well. I'd consider myself "athletic" but I'm no work out magazine cover. Just muscles from working with horses. Some people probably think my equestrian booty is too big, but that's cushioning. LOL!

 

You do not have to be licensed or an expert to tell someone who is morbidly obese and is your family maybe they should do something about it. My dad is overweight. My brother mentioned about the pop he drinks. So I said something and he said "I did cut back. I only take it to work." And my stepmom is overweight too and has fibromyalgia and migraines. The doctor told her to manage it she has to exercise and do stress reduction. She makes up excuse after excuse. My dad has tried to get her to walk and he works 15 hour days sometimes. She doesn't work because of her "migraines" and such. It also doesn't help she stays up til 2 or 3 am sometimes and sleeps all day.

 

You don't have to have a degree to notice someone needs a lifestyle change.