Chronically late girlfriend

[mustlovedogs]

I think a fake meeting time is exactly what she needs. Make her wait. Make her feel awkward and alone at the restaurant. Someone who is chronically late has never had to wait on anyone, right? Let her feel what it's like. Use it to springboard a conversation.

[Sportster2005]

Here's what I would do. Then next date make alternate plans, but don't tell her what they are. Even if it's as simple as staying and watching T.V. You tel her, if she's late, the date is cancelled. If she's late, then you do your alternate plan. In short, you don't tolerate her being late. If it happens and she's angry you don't get angry. You simply state if she's late for dates you're doing something else. Do not get emotional. She will start showing up on time, or she won't. And you both can sort out what happens with each eventuality.

 

Actually I don't know if I would even do that. I might even just leave her. But then again I might be an outlier. I have zero tolerance or patience of people who waste my time. Every second of my life is valuable.

[Heather Dawn]

When I say I give fake times, I'm talking about telling my parents 2pm instead of 2:30 - just adjusting it a bit to make sure they actually arrive by the actual time.

[Batya33]

When I say I give fake times, I'm talking about telling my parents 2pm instead of 2:30 - just adjusting it a bit to make sure they actually arrive by the actual time.

 

Better keep that in mind if you want them to be there for the birth ;-)

[mines]

I was married to my children's father for a long time. He has never, not even once, been on time for anything, including our first date. I am always pre-planning to the second, in order to get everywhere a few minutes early. I eventually started using the fake-times technique and all these years later, I'm still doing it. We've been divorced for years but still do things as a family, so whether it's a family birthday party, Christmas, graduation, or just dinner w/the kids, everyone knows to tell dad it starts 30 minutes earlier than the real time. It's so frustrating but he will never change.

 

Please note - using the fake-times technique was a band-aid and obviously (among other things) did not work. I'm not recommending it. I use it now because I'm the one who organizes the family and the kids want dad at these events and I long ago gave up on him changing. I endure it, for my kid's sake.

 

You really need to take the advice of a few good people here, who suggested you tell her straight out, no more chances. Either be on time, or it's over. I really wish I had done that.

 

Good luck to you OP. You seem like a really good guy.

[IAmFCA]

All, please understand, some people are chronically late despite their best intentions, even considering deep emotional levels. There is research evolving about being "time blind", it also is a trait frequently found in ADHD people and in others who have difficulty making the transition from one activity to another. I have this trait, I was raised with this trait around me. It is terribly frustrating and I try various tools to work through it, with limited results. I have no internal alarm. None. Not even when the fire alarm went off. I can get something done ridiculously fast; that kind of focus seems like a different skill. Relating speed to time is a challenge. (I realize it's in the very equation.) I feel the gap, it's as if time is a cloudy, amorphous concept. I just don't get it, even as I obviously do on an intellectual level.

 

Some things I am trying to make habit: when we agree to meet, I need to think, Leave house by 7, shower 615, etc. I find that sort of thinking both obvious and laborious. I don't know why. I am trying to plan 15 minutes to transition. It's much harder than necessary.

 

I burns me up, honestly, and tries all my personal and professional relationships.

[IAmFCA]

I think a fake meeting time is exactly what she needs. Make her wait. Make her feel awkward and alone at the restaurant. Someone who is chronically late has never had to wait on anyone, right? Let her feel what it's like. Use it to springboard a conversation.

 

I wait for others all the time. I couldn't care less. I always have something with me to do, and I don't notice the time anyway. I am chronically late because I don't feel time, not because I don't care about you.

 

Maybe one technique would be to make my phone announce the time in 15 minute increments. I am aural; that might work.

[IAmFCA]

[lostlove76]

Some things I am trying to make habit: when we agree to meet, I need to think, Leave house by 7, shower 615, etc. I find that sort of thinking both obvious and laborious.

 

I do this too, but I actually have to write it down (have you tried writing it down?). I write down every single thing I know I'll need to do, so if I have to leave the house at 9am, it's something like:

 

(Alarm set for 7am, 7:15, 7:30, and 7:45)

8am, get up

drink coke, smoke cig, use bathroom

8:15 eat something

8:35 get dressed

Gather stuff to take: purse, glasses, snack, whatever

9am leave

9:30 be at place

 

I agree that it's harder than it should be, and I start feeling major anxiety if I'm running behind despite carefully planning it out. Like if I sleep 10 extra minutes, it throws the whole thing off and I have to rush rush rush.

[IAmFCA]

I do this too, but I actually have to write it down (have you tried writing it down?). I write down every single thing I know I'll need to do, so if I have to leave the house at 9am, it's something like:

 

(Alarm set for 7am, 7:15, 7:30, and 7:45)

8am, get up

drink coke, smoke cig, use bathroom

8:15 eat something

8:35 get dressed

Gather stuff to take: purse, glasses, snack, whatever

9am leave

9:30 be at place

 

I agree that it's harder than it should be, and I start feeling major anxiety if I'm running behind despite carefully planning it out. Like if I sleep 10 extra minutes, it throws the whole thing off and I have to rush rush rush.

 

I need to do what you're doing. I'm in denial. It is very helpful to read your post. Thank you.

[lostlove76]

I need to do what you're doing. I'm in denial. It is very helpful to read your post. Thank you.

 

You're welcome Yours was helpful too; at least we know we aren't the only ones like this. I think OP's girlfriend is probably like us, as well, and has great difficulty with arriving on time, rather than it being a case of her just not caring. This has been an interesting thread.

[Batya33]

I wait for others all the time. I couldn't care less. I always have something with me to do, and I don't notice the time anyway. I am chronically late because I don't feel time, not because I don't care about you.

 

Maybe one technique would be to make my phone announce the time in 15 minute increments. I am aural; that might work.

 

So you've never had more than one plan in a day or had a certain amount of time for a meal before having to get to a meeting or back to work or to pick up one of your children so that your 1.5 hour lunch now has to be consumed in 20 minutes or less? It's fine if you don't feel time or however you feel about time but you seem like a thoughtful person and if the other person cares or has a schedule/other things to do that day then I'm sure that other person's needs matter to you, yes? I do know the answer to that, which is why I'm surprised you didn't consider that in this post.

[IAmFCA]

So you've never had more than one plan in a day or had a certain amount of time for a meal before having to get to a meeting or back to work or to pick up one of your children so that your 1.5 hour lunch now has to be consumed in 20 minutes or less? It's fine if you don't feel time or however you feel about time but you seem like a thoughtful person and if the other person cares or has a schedule/other things to do that day then I'm sure that other person's needs matter to you, yes? I do know the answer to that, which is why I'm surprised you didn't consider that in this post.

 

I almost always have multiple plans one after the other. I just had 14 meetings in three days, covering two large metropolitan areas and each in a different location, and me driving and leading others. It matters to me, it matters to others. The fact that it matters is unrelated to the source of the problem.

 

The other day I promised, and believed in my heart, that I would I arrive at x time. I had NO IMPEDIMENTS. I was 15 minutes late. I simply sat down to read and didn't get up, EVEN WHEN I KNEW THE TIME. It wasn't clear to me exactly why then I needed to start leaving,. Is it now? Or 15 minutes from now? Didn't I say now, when I worked it out? Was I right? And meanwhile. I'm still immobile. It's incredible.

 

Later I realized I forgot to take Adderall that day. I had become angry at myself and ill tempered, and not good company. Took a light dose, and was fine in 15 minutes.

[itsallgrand]

All, please understand, some people are chronically late despite their best intentions, even considering deep emotional levels. There is research evolving about being "time blind", it also is a trait frequently found in ADHD people and in others who have difficulty making the transition from one activity to another. I have this trait, I was raised with this trait around me. It is terribly frustrating and I try various tools to work through it, with limited results. I have no internal alarm. None. Not even when the fire alarm went off. I can get something done ridiculously fast; that kind of focus seems like a different skill. Relating speed to time is a challenge. (I realize it's in the very equation.) I feel the gap, it's as if time is a cloudy, amorphous concept. I just don't get it, even as I obviously do on an intellectual level.

 

Some things I am trying to make habit: when we agree to meet, I need to think, Leave house by 7, shower 615, etc. I find that sort of thinking both obvious and laborious. I don't know why. I am trying to plan 15 minutes to transition. It's much harder than necessary.

 

I burns me up, honestly, and tries all my personal and professional relationships.

 

This is interesting. I can relate this to a few people I've known.

 

I am the opposite. I loathe with a passion rushing. To the point, I'll skip out on doing something sometimes if someone else puts me in a position where time is crushed. I've taken a later flight to avoid having to rush through security when someone dropped me off with not enough time to spare- rather sit and drink coffee in an airport than get stressed out. Which is what happens when I feel rushed along.

[Heather Dawn]

Better keep that in mind if you want them to be there for the birth ;-)

 

LOL You kidding? For this, they'll probably be sitting in their car for three days waiting for the call. They were actually an hour early to our place on my wedding day... At least their priorities are straight...hehe.

[boltnrun]

Well, unless it's a scheduled C-section there's no set time for a birth. So no appointment to be late for! LOL

[Heather Dawn]

Well, unless it's a scheduled C-section there's no set time for a birth. So no appointment to be late for! LOL

 

Plus, since my husband and I want just us at the actual delivery, and labor can go quickly or veeeery slow, AND our hospital has a policy of keeping visitors out for the first hour of the baby's life to let the parents bond, they'll have plenty of time to make their way...LOL

[Batya33]

LOL You kidding? For this, they'll probably be sitting in their car for three days waiting for the call. They were actually an hour early to our place on my wedding day... At least their priorities are straight...hehe.

 

See! I rest my case (that people who are chronically late can make a different choice when it's a priority). My husband would say he was on time for the birth of my son since he arrived one minute after my epidural kicked in ;-) (he had to fly in for our son who was 9 days early).

[IAmFCA]

See! I rest my case (that people who are chronically late can make a different choice when it's a priority). My husband would say he was on time for the birth of my son since he arrived one minute after my epidural kicked in ;-) (he had to fly in for our son who was 9 days early).

 

I couldn't tell you if my parents were on time for anything I did, wedding included. My brother missed the ceremony entirely but was at the reception. Nobody in my family gave it much thought. I once was an entire day late - I mean I arrived at 11 pm instead of am, due to a variety of mishaps ending with a necessary hitch in a strangers car. When I got to my parents I was annoyed they weren't concerned. But they weren't. It's unusual. They once were two hours late to fetch me from school. I was 11. A teacher missed dinner keeping me company instead.

 

I make a conscious effort to think like other people, but it isn't me. Writing this out, the answer certainly lies in thinking like me because that is authentic, and finding a way to flip it around. I'll think on that.

[IAmFCA]

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Meant to post this previously.

[IAmFCA]

I almost always have multiple plans one after the other. I just had 14 meetings in three days, covering two large metropolitan areas and each in a different location, and me driving and leading others. It matters to me, it matters to others. The fact that it matters is unrelated to the source of the problem.

 

The other day I promised, and believed in my heart, that I would I arrive at x time. I had NO IMPEDIMENTS. I was 15 minutes late. I simply sat down to read and didn't get up, EVEN WHEN I KNEW THE TIME. It wasn't clear to me exactly why then I needed to start leaving,. Is it now? Or 15 minutes from now? Didn't I say now, when I worked it out? Was I right? And meanwhile. I'm still immobile. It's incredible.

 

Later I realized I forgot to take Adderall that day. I had become angry at myself and ill tempered, and not good company. Took a light dose, and was fine in 15 minutes.

 

Thinking about this, I wondered why my hesitation to get up, I mean, so what if it's early (which it isn't).

 

Hypothesis: What I am doing now is stimulating my brain, and since I am chronically lacking and ISO stimulation, leaving one stimulus without another to replace it is illogical .

 

I wonder if there is a way to make the transition itself a stimulus. Hmmm.

[mustlovedogs]

The late posters seem to think that people who are on time don't plan their days. I extensively plan.

 

If I am meeting someone at 830a, for instance, I use google maps the night before during rush hour to anticipate traffic. Ok, that'll take 25 minutes, add another ten for walking to my car/morning ditziness/construction/etc. I have to leave at 8. Well showering and eating and everything else takes me, say, an hour. 7 am wake up. But I like to have extra time built in. 645 wake up. There we go. All planned.

 

And then, I get to my car at 8 and map it. Oh no, there's construction on my route and my estimated arrival time is 832. I text the person I'm meeting to say I'll be a bit late. I will literally tell them if I'll be even just a little late.

 

It's not something that's ingrained in me (i.e. a sense of time). I just feel like such a jerk if I'm late and I prioritize the time of the person I'm meeting. So I take extensive effort to be on time.

[jujusamples]

Thanks, yes it's time to put my foot down or make a plan b, or give her a taste of her own medicine... BUT what I'm wondering is: does this story resonate with anyone who has experienced this? Did their behaviour change after they "put their foot down"? Because I think its a type of behaviour that may be beyond changing, and I'm curious if anyone has anecdotal evidence to the contrary.

 

First, being late is a deal breaker for me. I could only understand to a certain extent that stuff does come up and people do run a little late. (as in 5-10 mins) Calling someone at 8:15 to let them know they are just leaving is just rude and disrespectful. Time is important and I hate it when someone waste my time. I don't care if it's the queen of the world, I will not tolerate tardiness.

 

That being said. A long time ago, I was one of those late people. I know better now. You know why, I had no respect for others or their time! I did a lot of self help and so on...long story. Yes, it has taken someone whom I cared for very much to put his foot down. It was actually really firm and I got it pretty good. He didn't wait for 10th time that happened to let me know. He told the 3rd I was late. "Look, if you don't value your time, that's fine. I value mine!" If you are planning on wasting my time like this, don't come out to see me again. I will not and can not tolerate this. You take your pick what you want because I"m letting you know, it's a deal breaker. Good luck!

[Ms Darcy]

I make no bones about generally being on time for things. If I am late for something, it's because I don't really think there are consequences. Like I might be a few minutes late to my constantly backed up doctor's office. So for me personally, I know dang well how important timeliness is for me in various situations.

 

Having said that, when someone is more than 15 minutes late on a regular basis, I stop hanging out with them as much.

 

You have a big responsibility in this because you haven't done anything. Either you talk to her about it and set boundaries for how long you're willing to wait or leave her. That's it. But all this rolling over will just have her rolling over you.

 

I went to a first meet with a guy years ago who texted he would be an hour late five minutes after the meeting was supposed to start. I said ok, well I'm going home then. You can reschedule for a time when you can be on time. Never heard from him again.

 

Edited to add: I cannot understand how you let it get this far. After the second time this happened I would have had a serious boundary setting talk with her. You mentioned she was hot or something. Maybe this is why you don't really push back.

[Heather Dawn]

See! I rest my case (that people who are chronically late can make a different choice when it's a priority). My husband would say he was on time for the birth of my son since he arrived one minute after my epidural kicked in ;-) (he had to fly in for our son who was 9 days early).

 

How nervous were you when you had to wait and hope he made it??