Chronically late girlfriend

[Jibralta]

Is it possible that she has a drug habit?

[Wiseman2]

Interesting point, people like that are notoriously unreliable

Is it possible that she has a drug habit?

[IAmFCA]

Rather than telling her what she needs (that is for her to decide, not him) owning it would be about what he needs. "I need someone who I can count on" or "who I don't have to wait for" or something like that, or simply "I don't feel we are a good match."

 

Yes, even better.

 

I am amending my suggested break up talk accordingly, as follows :

 

Delete second and third sentences altogether. Replace with a shorter edition of this:

 

When I am anxious and disappointed, I don't feel that high of being part of a great team. I want to feel that, and so I don't think we make a great match.

[lostlove76]

I wonder if OP will come back and update us. I'd like to know what ends up happening.

[IAmFCA]

I wonder if OP will come back and update us. I'd like to know what ends up happening.

 

Was thinking same yesterday.

 

Being late is a huge annoyance and sometimes worse.

[Wiseman2]

Either he's been waiting for her somewhere or..He himself is late.

I wonder if OP will come back and update us.

[IAmFCA]

Either he's been waiting for her somewhere or..He himself is late.

 

Lolololol lol.

[lostlove76]

Either he's been waiting for her somewhere or..He himself is late.

 

LOL! Probably so

[IAmFCA]

My late window is chronically 15 minutes. FWIW I may have just lost my current dating partner over it. I don't blame him or any of that, just sharing. My 15 minutes compared to your GFs two hours - clearly OP you are well within bounds to bail out.

[Ms Darcy]

Either he's been waiting for her somewhere or..He himself is late.

 

Haha, yes the OP is late in responding!

[lostlove76]

Haha, yes the OP is late in responding!

 

We should start our own thread about his lateness, while we're waiting

[Kris92]

Oh wow, you're very patient to have lasted 9 months!

[jujusamples]

We should start our own thread about his lateness, while we're waiting

 

This is too funny! Starting to make me wonder if OP is also late... not late in replying but late on dates.

[No1]

I admit I was one of those that was always late. I was cured of that really quick!!

Leave on time. Not a min sooner, but not a min later. If you said you are leaving at 7pm then you leave at 7pm. If dinner was at 5pm, then order even if she is not there.

OR

I was going to go on a date with this hot girl. She asked me what time was I going to pick her up I said 6p she said okay she would be ready. I of course showed up 15min late and she answered the door and said the date was over. I asked why and she said respected me and was ready on time, but that she needed someone who would repect her and show up on time, she was ready by 6p but since I didnt show up, she cancelled the date. I called and said I was sorry, offered no excuses and said I learned my lesson. She made me wait for a few weeks then gave me another shot. I was early, waited in my car and knocked on the door at 6p. She opened up the door looking beautiful and we went out. Ended up dating her for 4 years and not once was I ever late for a date again.

 

Dont be afraid to lose her, if she wants to be with you, then shen will respect you and your time. If she breaks up with you then its on her. You are better off and she can be late on other guys. You dont need that.

[IAmFCA]

I admit I was one of those that was always late. I was cured of that really quick!!

Leave on time. Not a min sooner, but not a min later. If you said you are leaving at 7pm then you leave at 7pm. If dinner was at 5pm, then order even if she is not there.

OR

I was going to go on a date with this hot girl. She asked me what time was I going to pick her up I said 6p she said okay she would be ready. I of course showed up 15min late and she answered the door and said the date was over. I asked why and she said respected me and was ready on time, but that she needed someone who would repect her and show up on time, she was ready by 6p but since I didnt show up, she cancelled the date. I called and said I was sorry, offered no excuses and said I learned my lesson. She made me wait for a few weeks then gave me another shot. I was early, waited in my car and knocked on the door at 6p. She opened up the door looking beautiful and we went out. Ended up dating her for 4 years and not once was I ever late for a date again.

 

Dont be afraid to lose her, if she wants to be with you, then shen will respect you and your time. If she breaks up with you then its on her. You are better off and she can be late on other guys. You dont need that.

 

This is a fantastic story.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent solution. Sounds like she had self-respect and values her time enough to say so.

I going to pick her up I said 6p she said okay she would be ready. I of course showed up 15min late and she answered the door and said the date was over. I asked why and she said respected me and was ready on time, but that she needed someone who would repect her and show up on time

[No1]

Excellent solution. Sounds like she had self-respect and values her time enough to say so.

 

She wasnt afraid to lose me. Thats the key. If I got mad or called her names then she would of known the type of guy I was. She respected herself to know what type of guy she wanted and deserved. She indeed taught me a lesson that day.

[IAmFCA]

Reporting in on theme: My guy of only a couple of months talked to me cobstructively:

 

- if I am going to be with you, I guess this is something I have to manage/accept/deal with [not sure which one he chose], and I am thinking about that.

- I see that you are working on this. The insights you have shared with me have been impressive and helpful not only with regards to you also in understanding [his child]

- I wish it didn't matter but with everything going on, I'd like to have something I can depend on

- I would ping you every 5 minutes to help you if I could

- lol I wish he could. This would be helpful.

 

I found this a direct and supportive conversation. Rather than accept that I might lose him over it - which I accept as a matter of course about any trait about me anyhow, I am using this as an opportunity to identify ways to help myself. So far this includes (to try):

 

- schedule introspective time in am

- schedule transition time into my calendar

- schedule transportation time on my calendar

- take afternoon meds

- schedule organization time on my calendar

- create reward system for on time performance? Dunno. I want that to be normal, not special. But if it becomes normal, it will still be something I have to focus on, like an addict says day by day. So, rather than celebrate, simply absorb and keep going. Let my other successes mark the achievement.

 

Not my thread. Sharing anyway, thanks.

[Ms Darcy]

I just wanted to add that because of this thread, I have tried to be on time and early to all my appointments this week. People are happy when you are early (not too early)!

[IAmFCA]

I just wanted to add that because of this thread, I have tried to be on time and early to all my appointments this week. People are happy when you are early (not too early)!

 

I dig it when eNA inspires us. Thank you for sharing.

[Waraqqa]

I suppose I err on the side of thinking "people don't really change". I'd be interested in anyone who has gone through something like this and can report that the lateness problem got significantly better...

 

You poor guy. I'd recommend realising that it is rude and unequal and dysfunctional. But not fighting with her - that is useless. Instead, actions often speak louder than words. Your dynamic needs to drastically change.

 

I am indeed someone who's gone through smth similar. In the end, I cut him out of my life for even more and sadder reasons of which the flakiness was only one of the symptoms. But the flakiness and tardiness were indicative of selfishness and lack of respect for my time. I talked to him about it, I tried explaining, reasoning, etc etc. You know what helps best? - if you really love her for whatever reasons and value her so much, then indeed do have ONE talk with her. Just one, that's enough. After that, start Walking the walk and leave the choice of her behaviour to her while doing your thing. Namely: follow the advice of people here who said: wait for her an X amount of time, and if she doesn't show, LEAVE and move on with your evening to something more fun than waiting.

 

Any other way is too frustrating. I am very familiar with the feeling when you've already waited so long and Finally he/she arrives, then you feel like: well, she's already there, might as well make it a nice time and not ruin it by my nagging. So, don't nag. Nagging is not sexy. But - getting up and leaving after 15-20 minutes IS confident, sexy, and shows your worth for yourself and your time.

 

The last couple of times I had actually tried to do that with that ex. I told myself I'd wait 20-25 min and if he doesn't show, I'll get back on the train and leave, and then good luck hunting me down again, the date is over. Well, I waited 30 minutes. Then I left. But you know what? In the end it turned out he had actually forgotten about that date and only remembered a couple of days later.

 

--> You know why? Because by this type of overly-patient codependent behaviour, we are NOT being nice. We are being ENABLERS for someone's bad habits, which then only get worse and worse and worse. With that guy, it had actually started in a fairly mild way that was acceptable to me (esp. as I am not super-punctual myself and tend to be a FEW minutes late). But then gradually it started getting worse and worse - 15 mins late -> 30 mins late -> one hour waiting for him in cold winter wondering if anything had happened -> eventually not even bothering to make it up to me or even apologise properly - > flaking out -> blatantly standing me up. Had I put my foot down earlier, it would not had developed like that. And, to emphasize, it does not need to be done in an angry way - not at all. Instead, very calm. When she shows an hour or two late and you've long been gone and are already doing something entirely different with your evening, and she calls or texts you asking where you are, you say very calmly "Oh honey, I was there as we had agreed. But you were not. So I waited for the [requisite 15-20 whatever you decide] minutes and thought that you won't show, so I went home/another party/etc etc." Very calmly. Then she'll learn that if she wants to see you, she'll actually have to come at least relatively on time. And if she missed it - sorry babe, you snooze you lose.

 

Cuz w my ex, the more patient I was getting, the more insolent he was. In a way, I am to blame for his dysfunction, because I FED IT with my permissiveness. In retrospect, I was not being "nice", but having poor boundaries and judgement.

[Waraqqa]

As one of the chronically late posters here, I would still agree with this. He can dump her without guilt. It certainly is a lot to put up with, and it would take a lot of effort and adjustments on his part to see any improvement from her. So I guess he has to decide if he wants to stick with it or not, knowing that it won't be easy. I would be disappointed if someone gave up on me because of my lateness, but I would understand.

 

I'd say it's not even so much the lateness itself, but how much lateness. I tend to make people wait 3-5 minutes, occasionally even more if something comes up. But two hours, time after time, that is reaaaaally crossing the line.

[GeorgiaW]

Ok, so first of all all, an old man once told me his daughter married a guy who was always late, this rubbed off on her and their children. He told me anymore that anymore than half an hour is damn right disrespectful. I have a friend who is always late. But she's my best friend if she says 8 I no she means 9. It takes me half hour max to get ready. She just faffs about re-doing her hair, her lipstick, looking in the mirror. And then Inbetween all that she gets distracted! Her whole family is like it. Personally I think you should rid. It's embarrassing for you waiting at places for her.

[Gary Snyder]

High maintenance is a dealbreaker.

 

(note: high maintenance has nothing to do with a woman making herself beautiful, that's desirable. It's about being difficult in relationships - like being late. And this woman is the pits, mang! Does she hold a job? - if so, I don't know how?)

[IAmFCA]

I was early for my guy the other night. It was interesting how it felt: uncomfortable and anxious-making. My man says Be early for one thing today. And that's good advice. It's a way of shifting my comfort zone, a way of shifting my view of who I am.