Chronically late girlfriend

[IAmFCA]

And, OP, look what you've inspired!

 

How are you?

[youareworthy]

Hi y'all. Long, but funny (I hope). Broken into parts so you can skip the parts you assume will be boring (but don't assume that, because they're good!).

 

 

Here is the brave part: I am joining my sisters I Think I Can and lostlove76. Being late is a major challenge I have dealt with my entire life.

 

 

Here is the history part

 

* I walked to elementary school. In fifth grade, my pedophile PE teacher said, "You are the last student to arrive at school, and the last one to leave." (Sickeningly, he took advantage of my being there with him after school, late, and alone, to flirt, charm me, propose to me, kiss me... what a monster.)

 

* I missed my bus many days in middle school, and because my parents were both already at work, I had to take a cab, and pay for it with my babysitting money.

 

* I missed the bus nearly every day in high school, so I ended up mostly riding my bike those four years. Good exercise at least! But I was always late to my first class.

 

* I was late to nearly every class in college, and especially grad school. My tardiness then was enormously mortifying.

 

* In the case of grad school, I was divorced, solely responsible for 4 really young kids, and working full time. After work, which I could not leave until 3:30, I had to drive either through or around a major metropolitan area for 1.5 to 2.5 hours, park, and then sprint 2-4 blocks to my classes, which started at 5 pm. It was a killer. My poor profs. Being late created sooooooooo much anxiety and shame for me. I nearly quit grad school because of this.

 

* I have struggled with timeliness on every job since I was 18 years old. I used to get a great interval training workout every morning running full-pelt to the city bus stop, and then from the subway stop to my office. I was one of the first women in my city in the 1980s to commute wearing tennis shoes with my nice dresses and my hose, because I couldn't do the requisite sprints with my heels on!

 

* The most adaptive job for my tardiness was running a daycare in my own home, because my clients came to me--no commute!

 

* When I was 47, one of my (exasperated) supervisors suggested that I probably have ADHD. I went to a psychiatrist, and after going through the many diagnostic questions and a fascinating computer-based test called the CPT, it was confirmed absolutely that I have it. It was written all over every aspect and timeframe of my life.

 

 

Here is the brain part:

 

The thing is, ADHD affects how the frontal lobe of the brain functions. Because ADHD is so prevalent, some researchers and doctors no longer consider ADHD to be a disorder, but believe it to be a legitimate variation of how the human frontal lobe operates. Unfortunately for me and my ADHD soulmates, Western society is built around you lucky ones whose frontal lobes operate in the typical way, not in the "variation" way.

 

Wikipedia's "Frontal Lobe" article has some good explanations for how all this happens in terms of brain chemistry.

 

Here is the "how the Brain Part shows up in my life" part:

The frontal lobe is in charge of what is known as the Executive Function. One writer identifies 8 tasks of Executive Function; the descriptions are how I behave:

 

1. Impulse control--I can blurt out inappropriate things (blown some good job interviews with this one), I sometimes do something stupid without anticipating its effects.

 

Distractibility is essentially poor impulse control. It is very, very hard for me to rein my brain in and keep it from wandering from pillar to post all day long.

 

2. Emotional control--I can quickly flare up at my kids over little things, like dirty dishes in the sink (interestingly, I never do this over the big stuff); I can have trouble regrouping after a change (it's taking me forever to get over my last ex, who, BTW, also had ADHD, AND was a counselor, so he understood, accepted, and helped me with all these things. I miss him.)

 

3. Flexible thinking--I can get stuck on one way of solving (or NOT solving) a problem, even for years (I stayed with my scarily abusive ex-husband far too long).

 

4. Working memory--I have numerous times forgotten appointments altogether, or gotten mixed up about the time an event is starting. Once when I was late for my psychiatrist's appointment, she greeted me with, "Well, I was getting really frustrated that you were late, and then I looked again at your chart, saw 'ADHD,' and said, 'Well, she is confirming that my diagnosis was correct!' "

 

5. Self-monitoring--I have limited self-awareness; I am often surprised when my kids/friends tell me of behaviors I've had for decades but never noticed.

 

6. Planning and prioritizing--I don't estimate time well, so my plans are usually horribly unrealistic. Or they are OK but when I am implementing them I either freeze up, get distracted, or major on the minors, so I often don't complete things. Some good examples are: at 5 pm every evening, I am surprised to realize it's dinner time and I have no plan for dinner at all; sometimes I stay up all night on ENA, oblivious to the passage of time, only to remember very much too late that I have work the next day.

 

7. Task initiation--I typically freeze up because I have no idea how to begin something kinda big; I was 45 years old before I even realized why I was freezing up.

 

8. Organization--Even with backup systems and "places for things," I constantly lose things: keys, check card, cell phone; I waste much of my life looking for things; I also lose trains of thought, and talk in circles (entertaining to some, annoying as heck to many).

 

 

Here is the "forget the science and lists; please create a word-picture for us visual types" part:

Imagine the frontal lobe is to the brain as the Office Manager is to a big busy law firm. The Office Manager coordinates schedules so there is coverage on the phones and at the reception desk, makes sure each attorney has adequate support staff to do the job well, keeps the master calendar, sends out reminders to everyone, keeps paperwork flowing as it should, plans the upcoming office birthday parties/baby showers, manages the contracts with the coffee service and the night cleaning crew, does the billing or makes sure it is done on time, hires and fires support staff...

 

Now imagine a law office without an Office Manager. A lot of critical things simply wouldn't get done, or would be done half-buttocked. That is my brain.

 

 

Here is the amusing (I hope) "description of what my typical morning before work looks like" part

 

I stayed up too late on ENA last night, or playing Solitaire or Sudoku, or reading (see #1), so when my alarm goes off, I sleep through it. (I'm also hearing impaired which doesn't help!)

 

I wasn't thinking ahead the night before, so I didn't lay out my outfit in advance (#6 planning).

 

I get out of bed, quite reluctantly; I use the loo, wander out to my room again, and notice a book or article lying out, and read a few paragraphs (#1, #6 prioritizing).

 

Then I "come to," and begin hunting for something clean and reasonable to wear, searching through baskets of clean laundry, or even of lightly dirty laundry (#7 task initiation and #8 organization--no regular laundry day, and clean clothes rarely make it into drawers).

 

Then take a bath/wash up, and get totally lost in my thoughts while in the water (#5 self-monitoring), come out of the bathroom in my towel and check ENA to see if the last person I sent a PM to wrote back (#1). Check the time and yell out, "Holy crap, you are going to be late AGAIN!"

 

Get dressed, take my shirt off again to cut out that darned itchy tag (why aren't all clothes tagless yet??), put my shirt back on, chase one cat out of my room, try but give up on luring the other one out because she is recalcitrant that way, so leave my bedroom door open so she can come out to eat. (But of course I didn't build any cat-chasing or -luring time into my horrible estimates, in spite of the fact that I chase/lure cats every single solitary day!)

 

Wander to the kitchen, feed and water cats, including the one who has finally come out when she heard the food hitting the bowl, notice some bill that came in yesterday (#1), ugh (now I am really stressed).

 

Go to the fridge and grab something I can eat in the car because now I have no time for breakfast (#6 planning). The "something" is more often than not a 3.5 oz cup of Haagen-Dasz chocolate ice cream. I kid you not.

 

Search the fridge and whole kitchen for the lunch I had cleverly set aside last night, but discover that I left out and one of the cats ate it, or I forgot to label it so my son thought it was fair game. Decipher the clues so I know whom to scold: Empty bag on the floor? Cats (really, me, for leaving it out). In the trash can? Son (and me, for not labeling, and not cooking something for him for dinner last night).

 

Dash back and close my bedroom door now that the cats are eating, dash back to the kitchen's outside door, and realize my keys are not on the key hook, start looking for them, see the time on the kitchen clock, curse at myself and the One who gave me ADHD, and panic.

 

Call my work and tell them that I am going to be late, but give them a notoriously optimistic estimate of when I will arrive, since I am taking no other distractions or delays into consideration, because I am already late and super-embarrassed to give them an ETA that MIGHT reflect a REALISTIC time. (Who knows?! I could make all the lights today, and traffic will be light because it's Monday; wait, is it Monday or Tuesday, ugh...oh, Monday because today I have choir--CHOIR! Oh my gosh, I forgot my music!)

 

Bolt back to my room to get the music, extricate the same stubborn cat who, having been poised at the door, dived into my room the moment I opened it to get the music.(She knows me. She knows I ALWAYS bolt back to my room for SOMETHING. So she is ready.) Give up on removing said recalcitrant cat, and leave the door open a crack, praying that my son or tenant will get her out and close the door, otherwise she may be trapped there all day if they close the door after using my loo, and she might once again leave me unmentionable "presents" on my bed.

 

Then, after 5 more minutes of frenzied searching everywhere for my keys, wake up my son to find out if he has the only set of car keys in his jeans pocket again. I put my stuff for work in the car, come back in for my cell phone, which I had set down, now have to hunt for, and finally find on the shelf above the cat food.

 

I breathe a sigh of relief and remorse, come out to the car, and realize the battery has died in my car......

 

I know this sounds unbelievable, and most of you are smacking your heads and saying, "Yeah, well, if even half of this is true, no wonder she is divorced and has had nary a date all 15 years since then!!!" but the ones of you out there who have ADHD, or have lived with someone who does, are saying, "Oh my God, does Youareworthy have hidden cameras in my house???"

 

 

Here's the "is there any hope for us who are always late; what sometimes works for you?" part

 

1. Taking ADHD medication. It took trying several different ones, and several years, to find a medicine that BOTH worked AND didn't cause me to break out in hives (under only the left armpit--every single time, thank you, Wellbutrin). Remembering to take it each day. Don't laugh. (Well, OK, you can laugh. I can't hear you, and I would join in I could.) Remembering to refill prescriptions for ADHD meds, and then remembering to take them, are massive problems for us who have the alternative frontal lobes. I went from mid-March to mid-July this year with no ADHD medication because I kept forgetting to refill it or to go pick it up. Because of this travesty, BOTH of my jobs began monitoring me daily for "egregious tardiness."

 

2. Estimating how long I think something will take, then TRIPLING the estimate. IF I enact a plan based on the tripled estimate, I am usually on time. Usually.

 

3. Developing work-around strategies: I ask friends for time ranges instead of fixed times. I have people come pick me up instead of meeting me somewhere else. I tell people I will call them when I am already in the car with the engine running, leaving that very moment to drive to them. I try not making commitments to things that are nonessential. I sometimes leave my house ridiculous hours earlier, arrive at the desired place one to two hours ahead of time, and read, eat breakfast, or playing Solitaire or Sudoku in a nearby cafe or in my car until just before the start time.

 

4. Reading books and blogs and articles on ADHD, noting that the ones written BY PEOPLE WITH ADHD are much, much more realistic and helpful!

 

5. Explaining the challenges of ADHD to those who are really important to me, not as an excuse, but so they will know that I am not, NOT, NOT intentionally being disrespectful. I do see how annoying my tardiness/spaciness can be to deal with and live with. I do recognize that their time is valuable, and I constantly work on this, fighting the uphill battle against my own neurology every day. I welcome their suggestions, help, gentle reminders when I am off in space, etc.

 

Here is the gratitude part:

 

Thank you to all of you who exercise patience with folks like me. Thank you to those who choose to love us, marry us, help us, befriend us.

And thank you to all of you who took the time to read this, in all its parts!!!

 

 

Here is the last part:

And yes, I stayed up all night on ENA writing this. And yes, I do have to go to work in 3 and a half hours. I had better drive there now. Ha ha.

 

"To thine own self be true."

 

 

Youareworthy

[IAmFCA]

Hi y'all. Long, but funny (I hope). Broken into parts so you can skip the parts you assume will be boring (but don't assume that, because they're good!).

 

 

Here is the brave part: I am joining my sisters I Think I Can and lostlove76. Being late is a major challenge I have dealt with my entire life.

 

 

Here is the history part

 

* I walked to elementary school. In fifth grade, my pedophile PE teacher said, "You are the last student to arrive at school, and the last one to leave." (Sickeningly, he took advantage of my being there with him after school, late, and alone, to flirt, charm me, propose to me, kiss me... what a monster.)

 

* I missed my bus many days in middle school, and because my parents were both already at work, I had to take a cab, and pay for it with my babysitting money.

 

* I missed the bus nearly every day in high school, so I ended up mostly riding my bike those four years. Good exercise at least! But I was always late to my first class.

 

* I was late to nearly every class in college, and especially grad school. My tardiness then was enormously mortifying.

 

* In the case of grad school, I was divorced, solely responsible for 4 really young kids, and working full time. After work, which I could not leave until 3:30, I had to drive either through or around a major metropolitan area for 1.5 to 2.5 hours, park, and then sprint 2-4 blocks to my classes, which started at 5 pm. It was a killer. My poor profs. Being late created sooooooooo much anxiety and shame for me. I nearly quit grad school because of this.

 

* I have struggled with timeliness on every job since I was 18 years old. I used to get a great interval training workout every morning running full-pelt to the city bus stop, and then from the subway stop to my office. I was one of the first women in my city in the 1980s to commute wearing tennis shoes with my nice dresses and my hose, because I couldn't do the requisite sprints with my heels on!

 

* The most adaptive job for my tardiness was running a daycare in my own home, because my clients came to me--no commute!

 

* When I was 47, one of my (exasperated) supervisors suggested that I probably have ADHD. I went to a psychiatrist, and after going through the many diagnostic questions and a fascinating computer-based test called the CPT, it was confirmed absolutely that I have it. It was written all over every aspect and timeframe of my life.

 

 

Here is the brain part:

 

The thing is, ADHD affects how the frontal lobe of the brain functions. Because ADHD is so prevalent, some researchers and doctors no longer consider ADHD to be a disorder, but believe it to be a legitimate variation of how the human frontal lobe operates. Unfortunately for me and my ADHD soulmates, Western society is built around you lucky ones whose frontal lobes operate in the typical way, not in the "variation" way.

 

Wikipedia's "Frontal Lobe" article has some good explanations for how all this happens in terms of brain chemistry.

 

Here is the "how the Brain Part shows up in my life" part:

The frontal lobe is in charge of what is known as the Executive Function. One writer identifies 8 tasks of Executive Function; the descriptions are how I behave:

 

1. Impulse control--I can blurt out inappropriate things (blown some good job interviews with this one), I sometimes do something stupid without anticipating its effects.

 

Distractibility is essentially poor impulse control. It is very, very hard for me to rein my brain in and keep it from wandering from pillar to post all day long.

 

2. Emotional control--I can quickly flare up at my kids over little things, like dirty dishes in the sink (interestingly, I never do this over the big stuff); I can have trouble regrouping after a change (it's taking me forever to get over my last ex, who, BTW, also had ADHD, AND was a counselor, so he understood, accepted, and helped me with all these things. I miss him.)

 

3. Flexible thinking--I can get stuck on one way of solving (or NOT solving) a problem, even for years (I stayed with my scarily abusive ex-husband far too long).

 

4. Working memory--I have numerous times forgotten appointments altogether, or gotten mixed up about the time an event is starting. Once when I was late for my psychiatrist's appointment, she greeted me with, "Well, I was getting really frustrated that you were late, and then I looked again at your chart, saw 'ADHD,' and said, 'Well, she is confirming that my diagnosis was correct!' "

 

5. Self-monitoring--I have limited self-awareness; I am often surprised when my kids/friends tell me of behaviors I've had for decades but never noticed.

 

6. Planning and prioritizing--I don't estimate time well, so my plans are usually horribly unrealistic. Or they are OK but when I am implementing them I either freeze up, get distracted, or major on the minors, so I often don't complete things. Some good examples are: at 5 pm every evening, I am surprised to realize it's dinner time and I have no plan for dinner at all; sometimes I stay up all night on ENA, oblivious to the passage of time, only to remember very much too late that I have work the next day.

 

7. Task initiation--I typically freeze up because I have no idea how to begin something kinda big; I was 45 years old before I even realized why I was freezing up.

 

8. Organization--Even with backup systems and "places for things," I constantly lose things: keys, check card, cell phone; I waste much of my life looking for things; I also lose trains of thought, and talk in circles (entertaining to some, annoying as heck to many).

 

 

Here is the "forget the science and lists; please create a word-picture for us visual types" part:

Imagine the frontal lobe is to the brain as the Office Manager is to a big busy law firm. The Office Manager coordinates schedules so there is coverage on the phones and at the reception desk, makes sure each attorney has adequate support staff to do the job well, keeps the master calendar, sends out reminders to everyone, keeps paperwork flowing as it should, plans the upcoming office birthday parties/baby showers, manages the contracts with the coffee service and the night cleaning crew, does the billing or makes sure it is done on time, hires and fires support staff...

 

Now imagine a law office without an Office Manager. A lot of critical things simply wouldn't get done, or would be done half-buttocked. That is my brain.

 

 

Here is the amusing (I hope) "description of what my typical morning before work looks like" part

 

I stayed up too late on ENA last night, or playing Solitaire or Sudoku, or reading (see #1), so when my alarm goes off, I sleep through it. (I'm also hearing impaired which doesn't help!)

 

I wasn't thinking ahead the night before, so I didn't lay out my outfit in advance (#6 planning).

 

I get out of bed, quite reluctantly; I use the loo, wander out to my room again, and notice a book or article lying out, and read a few paragraphs (#1, #6 prioritizing).

 

Then I "come to," and begin hunting for something clean and reasonable to wear, searching through baskets of clean laundry, or even of lightly dirty laundry (#7 task initiation and #8 organization--no regular laundry day, and clean clothes rarely make it into drawers).

 

Then take a bath/wash up, and get totally lost in my thoughts while in the water (#5 self-monitoring), come out of the bathroom in my towel and check ENA to see if the last person I sent a PM to wrote back (#1). Check the time and yell out, "Holy crap, you are going to be late AGAIN!"

 

Get dressed, take my shirt off again to cut out that darned itchy tag (why aren't all clothes tagless yet??), put my shirt back on, chase one cat out of my room, try but give up on luring the other one out because she is recalcitrant that way, so leave my bedroom door open so she can come out to eat. (But of course I didn't build any cat-chasing or -luring time into my horrible estimates, in spite of the fact that I chase/lure cats every single solitary day!)

 

Wander to the kitchen, feed and water cats, including the one who has finally come out when she heard the food hitting the bowl, notice some bill that came in yesterday (#1), ugh (now I am really stressed).

 

Go to the fridge and grab something I can eat in the car because now I have no time for breakfast (#6 planning). The "something" is more often than not a 3.5 oz cup of Haagen-Dasz chocolate ice cream. I kid you not.

 

Search the fridge and whole kitchen for the lunch I had cleverly set aside last night, but discover that I left out and one of the cats ate it, or I forgot to label it so my son thought it was fair game. Decipher the clues so I know whom to scold: Empty bag on the floor? Cats (really, me, for leaving it out). In the trash can? Son (and me, for not labeling, and not cooking something for him for dinner last night).

 

Dash back and close my bedroom door now that the cats are eating, dash back to the kitchen's outside door, and realize my keys are not on the key hook, start looking for them, see the time on the kitchen clock, curse at myself and the One who gave me ADHD, and panic.

 

Call my work and tell them that I am going to be late, but give them a notoriously optimistic estimate of when I will arrive, since I am taking no other distractions or delays into consideration, because I am already late and super-embarrassed to give them an ETA that MIGHT reflect a REALISTIC time. (Who knows?! I could make all the lights today, and traffic will be light because it's Monday; wait, is it Monday or Tuesday, ugh...oh, Monday because today I have choir--CHOIR! Oh my gosh, I forgot my music!)

 

Bolt back to my room to get the music, extricate the same stubborn cat who, having been poised at the door, dived into my room the moment I opened it to get the music.(She knows me. She knows I ALWAYS bolt back to my room for SOMETHING. So she is ready.) Give up on removing said recalcitrant cat, and leave the door open a crack, praying that my son or tenant will get her out and close the door, otherwise she may be trapped there all day if they close the door after using my loo, and she might once again leave me unmentionable "presents" on my bed.

 

Then, after 5 more minutes of frenzied searching everywhere for my keys, wake up my son to find out if he has the only set of car keys in his jeans pocket again. I put my stuff for work in the car, come back in for my cell phone, which I had set down, now have to hunt for, and finally find on the shelf above the cat food.

 

I breathe a sigh of relief and remorse, come out to the car, and realize the battery has died in my car......

 

I know this sounds unbelievable, and most of you are smacking your heads and saying, "Yeah, well, if even half of this is true, no wonder she is divorced and has had nary a date all 15 years since then!!!" but the ones of you out there who have ADHD, or have lived with someone who does, are saying, "Oh my God, does Youareworthy have hidden cameras in my house???"

 

 

Here's the "is there any hope for us who are always late; what sometimes works for you?" part

 

1. Taking ADHD medication. It took trying several different ones, and several years, to find a medicine that BOTH worked AND didn't cause me to break out in hives (under only the left armpit--every single time, thank you, Wellbutrin). Remembering to take it each day. Don't laugh. (Well, OK, you can laugh. I can't hear you, and I would join in I could.) Remembering to refill prescriptions for ADHD meds, and then remembering to take them, are massive problems for us who have the alternative frontal lobes. I went from mid-March to mid-July this year with no ADHD medication because I kept forgetting to refill it or to go pick it up. Because of this travesty, BOTH of my jobs began monitoring me daily for "egregious tardiness."

 

2. Estimating how long I think something will take, then TRIPLING the estimate. IF I enact a plan based on the tripled estimate, I am usually on time. Usually.

 

3. Developing work-around strategies: I ask friends for time ranges instead of fixed times. I have people come pick me up instead of meeting me somewhere else. I tell people I will call them when I am already in the car with the engine running, leaving that very moment to drive to them. I try not making commitments to things that are nonessential. I sometimes leave my house ridiculous hours earlier, arrive at the desired place one to two hours ahead of time, and read, eat breakfast, or playing Solitaire or Sudoku in a nearby cafe or in my car until just before the start time.

 

4. Reading books and blogs and articles on ADHD, noting that the ones written BY PEOPLE WITH ADHD are much, much more realistic and helpful!

 

5. Explaining the challenges of ADHD to those who are really important to me, not as an excuse, but so they will know that I am not, NOT, NOT intentionally being disrespectful. I do see how annoying my tardiness/spaciness can be to deal with and live with. I do recognize that their time is valuable, and I constantly work on this, fighting the uphill battle against my own neurology every day. I welcome their suggestions, help, gentle reminders when I am off in space, etc.

 

Here is the gratitude part:

 

Thank you to all of you who exercise patience with folks like me. Thank you to those who choose to love us, marry us, help us, befriend us.

And thank you to all of you who took the time to read this, in all its parts!!!

 

 

Here is the last part:

And yes, I stayed up all night on ENA writing this. And yes, I do have to go to work in 3 and a half hours. I had better drive there now. Ha ha.

 

"To thine own self be true."

 

 

Youareworthy

 

What is the tool for writing YES in all caps, with hugs hearts and cheering on? Yes yes yes yes YES. This is me. The me that people say is SO smart. The me with a career path that has exceeded all expectation. AND YET I sabotage it constantly. So freaking frustrating. Same with my money situation. You know, the divorce that cost me as much as it did? Well, if I married again, I would happily, as it currently stands, ask him to please be responsible for my cash. Why? Because I am only roughly aware of it. I mean, I have eliminated all debt, set up auto pay for things, and generally somehow pull out a win with some harrowing moments. But it is by the seat of my pants and completely ridiculous for my income, care of myself and dependents, and knowledge base.

 

Hear all that self criticism? Imagine growing up with that inner voice about nearly every topic.

 

Whether any of this applies to your GF, OP, I don't know. But it certainly does seem she requires physical perfection to overcome her inner critic, and her denial of the actual hour of the day is extreme. She may not be aware, herself, of how deeply these patterns run through her being and into her life. Before you leave her, suggest she get checked out, if at all relevant. I went to a doc because a boss and a stalker - himself quite mentally ill - suggested it. It was a research trial that taught me what I needed to know; my first psych doc was regrettably ignorant and advised me not to take my meds on a regular basis. So I didn't take them at all, because, duh, adhd. I mention all this because, sometimes, it takes some probing to find the right fit, as YouAreWorthy mentions. I was immediately diagnosed by everyone, nothing subtle, no questions. But still the care and feeding of my adhd took a while to get right. I think I only have just gotten it, after about 5 years of effort.

 

Goodness. I don't know if this thread has been helpful to the absent OP. I owe you thanks, OP, because it has been a gift to me. Thank you - if you are even ever back here to read this.

[journeynow]

For those with chronic lateness, and perhaps ADHD, factor this in, be up front, tell whoever is planning with you that you cannot reliably meet at a specific time. (I understand people differ, but my ex has ADHD, and can be very punctual for some things, he just gets very focused on THAT and all else drops by the wayside. He limits his plate to that one thing at that time and leading up to it. Sure, other things get neglected, but he prioritizes.)

[IAmFCA]

For those with chronic lateness, and perhaps ADHD, factor this in, be up front, tell whoever is planning with you that you cannot reliably meet at a specific time. (I understand people differ, but my ex has ADHD, and can be very punctual for some things, he just gets very focused on THAT and all else drops by the wayside. He limits his plate to that one thing at that time and leading up to it. Sure, other things get neglected, but he prioritizes.)

 

Yes. This thing about prioritizes works. What happens is, as you say, all other things drop to the wayside. I then need to schedule time to find out who and what I have neglected. For that reason, I look forward to things that will make me sad, I know, such as my kids growing up... because then, all this disparate energy I have can focus on a shorter list of responsibilities.

 

What you suggest is a good technique. I put my ADHD out front and center. It at least helps me address it.

[journeynow]

I then need to schedule time to find out who and what I have neglected.

 

Yes, or delegate what you can. With my ex and with an old friend with ADHD, they focus on their strengths and their No 1 and perhaps No 2 priorities, and partner with others, or delegate, to take care of business details. That said, they do let people down right and left, those who are not part of their top 2 or 3 priorities. They have other strengths, but reliability on everything they say "yes" to or want to do isn't one of them. On the flip side, they can be very warm, sincere, enthusiastic, creative, helpful, and fun. The hard part for me is when they say they will do something, and thus create an expectation, not follow through as expected, and give reasons that themselves look good. It is less stressful for me when I don't count on them for anything important.

[donkeypickle]

So, here's an update two years on, for the benefit of anyone stumbling across this thread :)

 

I ended the relationship in December 2016, just a few months on from my opening post here. The chronic lateness turned out to be symptomatic of other issues. I'm hesitant to diagnose personality disorders because they're so over-diagnosed it's ridiculous... but it really does seem very likely, given the way things panned out, that she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and my goodness... what a nightmare that turned out to be.

 

This was characterised mostly by chronic low self-esteem, but also paranoia, extreme fear of abandonment and some quite unpleasant mood swings. After the relationship ended, there were additional things to contend with including extreme anger, cognitive dissonance, gaslighting (again an overused term but so true in this case...) and finally slander campaigns that persisted for over one year. That was horrific.

 

Of course there are exceptions to every rule... I'm sure I was just particularly unlucky, but I'd encourage those dealing with anything similar to be just a little more vigilant. Extreme chronic lateness, to the extreme I experienced it, is something you may wish to overlook or try to fix. This may be possible if it comes in isolation, but it might also merely be a symptom of something rather more serious.

 

So, pay attention to the red flags people - and good luck to you all :)

[purplepaisley]

I noticed the posts started in July. What I didn't notice is the posts started in 2016!! Thank you for following up with an update. The only advice I had to offer was what everyone else already said, and it looks like there was some major underlying issues involved in this whole situation.

 

I fall in line with a majority of posters, that at some point you need to make a choice...don't wait beyond 20 minutes and don't plan anything important that requires timeliness and responsibility and let the chips fall where they may. Chronic tardiness can be a deal-breaker, especially when we're looking at hours of late, not just minutes, and no defined timeline to work around...could be 30 minutes, could be two hours...you don't know and you can't plan around it. My stepdad was the pillar of responsibility, but my stepfather was also always on a 20-30 minute tardy timeline with personal issues to the point he we all learned to express a time 30 of minutes earlier if his presence was important...we at least had a solid tardy timeline. There are workarounds, and maybe time-management is a deal-breaker, maybe not...it really depends.

 

Thanks for the update. That was 16 pages of a very interesting topic, and even though your situation was rather extreme, we all need to learn to establish some boundaries.