Chronically late girlfriend

[Heather Dawn]

I couldn't tell you if my parents were on time for anything I did, wedding included. My brother missed the ceremony entirely but was at the reception. Nobody in my family gave it much thought. I once was an entire day late - I mean I arrived at 11 pm instead of am, due to a variety of mishaps ending with a necessary hitch in a strangers car. When I got to my parents I was annoyed they weren't concerned. But they weren't. It's unusual. They once were two hours late to fetch me from school. I was 11. A teacher missed dinner keeping me company instead.

 

Oh my god...not even sure what to say here...lol.

[IAmFCA]

Oh my god...not even sure what to say here...lol.

 

Ya.

I don't expect people to put up with it. It's me getting in my own way. Clearly, I learned coping skills very early.

[lostandhurt]

Okay so I am the guy you are looking for.

 

My last gf was a lot like yours. At first I let is slide because I really didn't know her and thought she was taking a long time to get ready because we were just getting to know each other and wanted to put her best foot forward. Well it got worse as time went on.

 

To me she was beautiful with or without make up on but to her leaving the house not looking as perfect as she could was terrifying. It came down to insecurities in the end. Sure she made excuses and rationalized the behavior but in the end it was disrespectful to not only me but to our relationship. She could get to work on time because she would get fired for showing up late but she couldn't seem to be on time for me.

 

I sat down with her and talked to her how he being late makes me feel. I told her how this issue makes me feel like I am not that important to her and she would be there when she felt like it and I wasn't a priority in her life. Basically instead of getting mad about it which I was for sure I expressed how it made me feel.

 

She did get better but it still lingered and we broke up for other reasons.

 

Talk to her about your feelings and ask her if her work is more important than you are. If she can get to work on time she should be able to do the same for you right?

 

She may have all kinds of great qualities you love but this is a dealbreaker for you if she doesn't want to improve. I don't know anyone that would tolerate this because if they can get to things in their life that are important to them on time why not you?

 

Lost

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry, two hours is ridiculous. If she has a job she gets to on time, then there's no excuse.

 

In fact, I think it's BECAUSE she hasn't had any real consequences that she does it.

[IAmFCA]

Okay so I am the guy you are looking for.

 

My last gf was a lot like yours. At first I let is slide because I really didn't know her and thought she was taking a long time to get ready because we were just getting to know each other and wanted to put her best foot forward. Well it got worse as time went on.

 

To me she was beautiful with or without make up on but to her leaving the house not looking as perfect as she could was terrifying. It came down to insecurities in the end. Sure she made excuses and rationalized the behavior but in the end it was disrespectful to not only me but to our relationship. She could get to work on time because she would get fired for showing up late but she couldn't seem to be on time for me.

 

I sat down with her and talked to her how he being late makes me feel. I told her how this issue makes me feel like I am not that important to her and she would be there when she felt like it and I wasn't a priority in her life. Basically instead of getting mad about it which I was for sure I expressed how it made me feel.

 

She did get better but it still lingered and we broke up for other reasons.

 

Talk to her about your feelings and ask her if her work is more important than you are. If she can get to work on time she should be able to do the same for you right?

 

She may have all kinds of great qualities you love but this is a dealbreaker for you if she doesn't want to improve. I don't know anyone that would tolerate this because if they can get to things in their life that are important to them on time why not you?

 

Lost

 

I love this post because it is so real. For me, late is a chronic condition that comes up all day long. It takes me 15 to 30 minutes to get ready. I wear no make up, or sometimes mascara and eyeliner, that's it. I have the same restlessness in front of a mirror that I do everywhere else, so I just keep moving.

 

For the gf of this thread, the time in front of the mirror is like pre-game. Its her time to talk herself up, get over her anxiety, get excited for the date. It might help to talk to her with that in mind:

 

Babe, I think you know I love the way you look; the effort you put in to getting ready for a night out is sweet but totally unnecessary - if it were just for me. I figured out that its for you, its how you pre-game, its your time to coach yourself, or listen to music to get in the mood to go out, or whatever. Now that I figured that out, I think I get it better. Maybe it would help to allow more time for pre-game, and not to call it "getting ready" because then you feel bad, like it takes you too long to get ready. It doesn't, really. It's getting ready time + pre-game time.

 

Women who take a long time to get ready, whatever a "long time" means, don't want to be thought of that way. Nobody wants to hear that it takes an hour to look like "this". That is like seeing how the sausage gets made.

 

Labeling the time differently will allow her to accept how much time she needs alone before going out with you. By accepting it, she can then plan for it.

[Doc Blaze]

I would never be able to date someone like what you are trying to describe. it sounds exhausting...

[IAmFCA]

The late posters seem to think that people who are on time don't plan their days. I extensively plan.

 

If I am meeting someone at 830a, for instance, I use google maps the night before during rush hour to anticipate traffic. Ok, that'll take 25 minutes, add another ten for walking to my car/morning ditziness/construction/etc. I have to leave at 8. Well showering and eating and everything else takes me, say, an hour. 7 am wake up. But I like to have extra time built in. 645 wake up. There we go. All planned.

 

And then, I get to my car at 8 and map it. Oh no, there's construction on my route and my estimated arrival time is 832. I text the person I'm meeting to say I'll be a bit late. I will literally tell them if I'll be even just a little late.

 

It's not something that's ingrained in me (i.e. a sense of time). I just feel like such a jerk if I'm late and I prioritize the time of the person I'm meeting. So I take extensive effort to be on time.

 

My ask is only that you decide if/how to engage with someone who is late because that is your choice, and to refrain from making assumptions about what the late person thinks or how much regard they have for you etc. It very well may have nothing to do with you.

 

Last night I wrote down the times I needed to do things this morning, a list of what I needed to gather from the kitchen before leaving (needed it to remain refrigerated till then), had everything else ready to go, woke up two hours before go time. Was late. Morning is the hardest, I am unmedicated and unclear. It has absolutely nothing to do with what and who is on my calendar. I know its a huge issue, believe me. It is why I strive to run in the morning, so that my running time bears the brunt of my morning madness.

 

OP, I don't mean to hijack your thread. I DO mean to empower you to understand your gf may be intolerable for you and incapable of being responsible with your time. Two hours is untenable as a regular occurrence, obviously. She is likely dealing with anxiety, some sort of distractability, mental fog, or other impediments that make it difficult for her to manage herself. Boyfriends have helped me, with my appreciation, by calling me in the morning, or before leaving, etc., to help me meet a schedule. If you are willing and can do so with affection, it does help.

[Doc Blaze]

My ask is only that you decide if/how to engage with someone who is late because that is your choice, and to refrain from making assumptions about what the late person thinks or how much regard they have for you etc. It very well may have nothing to do with you.

 

Last night I wrote down the times I needed to do things this morning, a list of what I needed to gather from the kitchen before leaving (needed it to remain refrigerated till then), had everything else ready to go, woke up two hours before go time. Was late. Morning is the hardest, I am unmedicated and unclear. It has absolutely nothing to do with what and who is on my calendar. I know its a huge issue, believe me. It is why I strive to run in the morning, so that my running time bears the brunt of my morning madness.

 

OP, I don't mean to hijack your thread. I DO mean to empower you to understand your gf may be intolerable for you and incapable of being responsible with your time. Two hours is untenable as a regular occurrence, obviously. She is likely dealing with anxiety, some sort of distractability, mental fog, or other impediments that make it difficult for her to manage herself. Boyfriends have helped me, with my appreciation, by calling me in the morning, or before leaving, etc., to help me meet a schedule. If you are willing and can do so with affection, it does help.

 

 

It takes a special person to do this...a lot of people will not deal with this even if there is a legit reason for it. If my gf had to tell me multiple times to meet her for lunch and coach me through the process and I was still late I think she would freak out.

[IAmFCA]

It takes a special person to do this...a lot of people will not deal with this even if there is a legit reason for it. If my gf had to tell me multiple times to meet her for lunch and coach me through the process and I was still late I think she would freak out.

 

This is absolutely true.

[Batya33]

It takes a special person to do this...a lot of people will not deal with this even if there is a legit reason for it. If my gf had to tell me multiple times to meet her for lunch and coach me through the process and I was still late I think she would freak out.

 

I think it helps if the chronically late person takes responsibility for it, apologizes, warns in advance to minimize the disruption to the other person's life. I still wouldn't be able to do it long term because I have many things I like and need to do that require reasonable timeliness/planning. Luckily my husband changed from being chronically late -he was self-motivated because to him it was a selfish way to live.

[IAmFCA]

Hey donkeypickle, I think ultimately you're going to have to make one of two choice:

Either (A) Decide that there's something wrong with her, and resolve to accept and live with it, or (B) Decide there's nothing wrong with her, and reject the behavior.

 

Don't use "fake meeting times". If a show starts at 8pm, agree to meet for dinner at 6pm. Pick a place that doesn't require reservations. If she doesn't show up, at least you don't miss the show.

 

Also, never leave your house to go meet her until you receive confirmation from her that she has left her house and is on the way. Insist on this, and inform her in advance every time you plan to meet.

 

These are good suggestions. They create a soft landing so that plans aren't ruined, and they provide tools to help her succeed.

[journeynow]

It very well may have nothing to do with you.

 

But is should, since it affects him. Do you see? By removing him from the equation about leaving, he is given less importance to the other thoughts/diversion/activities.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, I suppose part of it is cultural as far as punctuality, for example Spain, South America and 'Island time" and a more relaxed view vs. cultures where punctuality= respect.

 

However it can really stain things, plans are near impossible, you are apologizing for this person or showing up late with her, etc. I think he should cut his losses because she can find another person who is just like her.

I would never be able to date someone like what you are trying to describe. it sounds exhausting...

[Doc Blaze]

what also would annoy me and people do this to me and I tell them not to,

 

 

"I am leaving my house right now"..(takes say 10 mins to get to my house)

 

 

30-40 mins later they show up..

 

 

its a straight up lie. Ops gf does this..said she will be there in 15 mins..showed up

 

hours later, doesn't matter if she has some kind of an issue, its a straight up lie.

[IAmFCA]

But is should, since it affects him. Do you see? By removing him from the equation about leaving, he is given less importance to the other thoughts/diversion/activities.

 

I see it, logically. Addiction might be an analogy, since it deals with brain stimulants and is similarly impactful on others. How do I pull myself away from another hit of my drug, when each hit lasts only a moment, and without it, my brain feels like play-doh? The thing I am doing now may have nothing to do with what I WANT to do, but it is, in this moment, satisfying me. I understand the impact of my actions is both selfish and self-destructive.

 

The root cause is a chemical imbalance, and that is what I am trying to convey. To leave the current activity and stretch across the abyss of brain fog to come find you on the other side -- that is illogical, from a biochemical point of view. It is like telling a starving person to leave one meal in search of another. At best, a starving person would take the meal along, but leave it behind? Not without a lot of effort.

 

I am responsible for finding a solution. If I had one leg, I wouldn't want to say I can't walk; I would fight to find a way. This is where I am with this now: I was raised in a family with a chaotic sense of time and an emotionally charged reaction to the impacts of that. I come from a culture where time is institutionally imprecise. I have processed all of that noise. Now, I am focused on self-management, which remains a struggle. I did find a second med and I was excited about it, and I may go back to it. It made me gain 10 pounds in a month or less. Ack! I gave it up. Physicians are not very good at the nuances of prescribing it; I have some left over that I had been cutting into smaller pieces. I may try a smaller dose and hope to find a doc who can sustain that scrip.

 

Imagine turning a freighter by swimming adjacent to its bow. Today is one of these days for me. My brain feels impenetrable to my own commentary. Very very frustrating.

[IAmFCA]

what also would annoy me and people do this to me and I tell them not to,

 

 

"I am leaving my house right now"..(takes say 10 mins to get to my house)

 

 

30-40 mins later they show up..

 

 

its a straight up lie. Ops gf does this..said she will be there in 15 mins..showed up

 

hours later, doesn't matter if she has some kind of an issue, its a straight up lie.

 

Yes. My exH used to do this too. Never changed.

 

It reflects her desire to be on time, and her shame at her lack of progress. She lies because she herself can't bear the truth of it. If he chooses to stay, he will need to be both firm and loving, completely 100% non-judgmental and not hurt or angry etc.

- "Please tell me the real time. It helps me adjust what I am doing over here. No worries."

- It might also help to give a range -- "Between 6:30 and 7:00". She will arrive at 7:25; it won't help her manage herself. It will help reduce the emotional symbolism of a precise time, which may help her accept her flawed behavior and therefore take better responsibility for it.

[journeynow]

IThinkICan, if you know this about yourself and how difficult it is for you to overcome it, then you can be forthright with people who are trying to plan something with you: "I don't know when I'll be there."

[IAmFCA]

IThinkICan, if you know this about yourself and how difficult it is for you to overcome it, then you can be forthright with people who are trying to plan something with you: "I don't know when I'll be there."

 

Yes, in fact I do that when I can. I say things that are imprecise, like, "I will come over after work and call before I leave". It helps.

 

It is something I have learned to hate about myself, and that doesn't help. Change is often led by first seeing myself differently. Scary to see myself as someone who is punctual, because it is such a stretch. It might be the right thing to do. Oh, the self-recrimination.

 

I have promised myself to overcome this because DJ is so kind about it that I would like to take it off his shoulders. That motivation hasn't helped me fix it though. All of this writing may -- I have learned a few things as I write them here. And come up with a business idea.

[IAmFCA]

I would never be able to date someone like what you are trying to describe. it sounds exhausting...

 

It is.

 

I tell men up front that I can be exhausting and that I know it and to just say so if I don't pick up on it. I exhaust myself.

[IAmFCA]

Oh my god...not even sure what to say here...lol.

 

Oh, this is nothing.

 

-My family left an entire city without one of the siblings. Forgot. Actually, change the details a bit and this happened not once but twice.

-The birth certificate for one of us was inaccurate. Mother's explanation: "I must have forgotten to put the whole name." This is actually a credible explanation.

-And yet, my father remains one of the smartest people I have ever known, and my mother one of the most peaceful, and most of my friends and family would say the same. We have numerous Ivy League & multiple degrees per person among the members of the immediate and extended family. One of us is an athlete in a multi-decade marriage and holds three advanced degrees and has never sustained a job, ever. Just can't show up on a regular basis, anywhere. Another one has wowed people with intellect since toddler-age, and works sales in a retail store at the mall. It goes on and on like that.

 

Sometimes I am complimented for my understanding of what is important in life. Well, when you grow up like I did, you learn to let most everything go.

 

I am grateful to be employed and loved. The rest is gravy.

[jimthzz]

I would put up with the occasional, "I'm late" scenario. But not what you have described here. She clearly has other things to do during those times you are kept waiting. Missing paid for theater showings is highly disrespectful.

 

If i were you, I'd show up way late to one of her events she wants you to attend, presuming here, or don't show up at all.

 

 

I also think it would be worth it to check on where she really is once she doesn't show up at a dinner engagement, by going to her place.

 

Actually, all those games are not worth it, just dump her and get a GF who cares for you and shows up as proof.

Give her some bogus excuse like you were rinsing out your unmentionables and lost track of time.

[IAmFCA]

I would put up with the occasional, "I'm late" scenario. But not what you have described here. She clearly has other things to do during those times you are kept waiting. Missing paid for theater showings is highly disrespectful.

 

If i were you, I'd show up way late to one of her events she wants you to attend, presuming here, or don't show up at all.

 

 

I also think it would be worth it to check on where she really is once she doesn't show up at a dinner engagement, by going to her place.

 

Actually, all those games are not worth it, just dump her and get a GF who cares for you and shows up as proof.

Give her some bogus excuse like you were rinsing out your unmentionables and lost track of time.

 

These are punitive and unnecessary. If the GF is a liar, just don't date her. If she causes you to miss a ticketed event, expect her to reimburse you. Next time, eat a snack before you picker her up, plan to pick her up (then she is in your control), expect to wait when you come to get her, plan to have a dinner that is WELL before the ticketed event, expect to be late for dinner, eat a bit at dinner, and make it to your goal of the theater.

 

I know this sounds nuts. If it is untenable for you. just break up with her and tell her it is because she is often late and by an intolerable margin. She needs to know.

[Doc Blaze]

isn't this kind of enabling? You suggest what people can do for people who are often late but what can people who are often late do for themselves?

 

 

its really only putting a band aid on the situation IMO.

[Ms Darcy]

I mentioned this thread to my husband and he busted out laughing. His first thought was: "She's cheating!"

 

Because in the world of not crazy, it's hard to imagine what would make someone 2 hours late all the time.

[IAmFCA]

isn't this kind of enabling? You suggest what people can do for people who are often late but what can people who are often late do for themselves?

 

 

its really only putting a band aid on the situation IMO.

 

 

Well, people who are often late can do a lot for themselves -- it depends on the cause. If it is a passive aggressive behavior, like "I said YES but I don't feel like going" then that person needs to learn to say No, to hear and speak their needs and stick to them. If it is an organization problem, then that person can learn a set of skills about how to keep a calendar, including blocking out travel time, etc. Sometimes, someone is simply unavailable and in denial about that: in transaction work or emergency medicine, a person can learn to say "I will be there UNLESS x happens" which is what I say when needed -- i.e., underpromise.

 

I have just read that as an ADHD person, I should be scheduling time to goof off into my calendar and indeed this rings true; in fact I have wondered it because I seem to need it in order to function. So, I will be thinking about how to schedule my goof off time and will come up with a name for it that sounds impressive.

 

The poster is the punctual one, so I am thinking of suggestions for how he can interact successfully with his unreliable gf, including the option of not engaging at all.

 

If she were on the thread, I would ask her to start getting ready much earlier, to recognize that her getting-ready time is also her self-therapy time and therefore to plan for it. I would ask her to schedule into her day time for the schedule go awry - a contingency hour to absorb the unexpected. I would ask her to start making a list of every little thing she wants to accomplish. To dive that list into Errands, At Home, Phone, At Work. She needs help. If he wants to stay with her, they will both need to acknowledge that her ability to manage herself is limited and makes her unreliable, and they will need to arrive at a policy about that. That he takes friends to ticketed events, or calls her every 30 minutes, or asks the night before to see her outfit and turns this into a flirting ritual, who knows.