Chronically late girlfriend

[IAmFCA]

I mentioned this thread to my husband and he busted out laughing. His first thought was: "She's cheating!"

 

Because in the world of not crazy, it's hard to imagine what would make someone 2 hours late all the time.

 

Yes that Is SO true. To be two hours late ALWAYS is over the top and intolerable.

 

I had a friend as nutty as I. We both showed up for dinner 90 minutes late, and at the same time. lol. I am much better now thank goodness.

 

ETA: I've never been two hours late on a regular basis. I am sure I have been egregiously late, but two hours on a regular basis is extreme and harder to understand. Again, without knowing her, I can only think of how to advise him - dump her - that's easy - or find ways to manage himself knowing her degree of unreliable behavior.

[Doc Blaze]

so if Op breaks up with his gf, then how is she going to get through the day and make it to events on time without someone coaching her through it.

 

I am not saying its going to happen, I am just saying that Ops gf needs to learn to deal with time management

 

on her own rather than having a crutch.

[IAmFCA]

so if Op breaks up with his gf, then how is she going to get through the day and make it to events on time without someone coaching her through it.

 

I am not saying its going to happen, I am just saying that Ops gf needs to learn to deal with time management

 

on her own rather than having a crutch.

 

Yes she does, if she wants to fit in. But she isn't posting here, and his job is to find a way to have what he wants. If he can find a way to have her that he can tolerate, he doesn't have to dump her.

 

She is already swimming in the deep end. She may not have any clue how to help herself. A coach, a psychiatrist, a smart phone, a day timer... all may be good tools for her. Who knows. Maybe she is ADHD. Maybe she is a mouse who is afraid to say what needs to be said. Maybe she is deeply insecure and needs to walk away from the mirror. Maybe she is married. LOL We have no idea.

 

I don't recommend the OP enable her nor try to change her, merely that he create techniques that allow him to include her in a way that won't ruin his plan. A similar thing is how large events often start with a cocktail hour or a networking session. This allows people to arrive whenever they can, but after that 45 minutes is over, one is expected to be available. OP can build a similar cushion into his schedule. Bring his phone and have a cocktail at her house when he picks her up, and use that time to clean out his inbox. The focus is not on changing her but on accepting who she is and finding a way to work with it.

 

ETA: This approach on his part reduces the pressure. In turn, over time, this may help reduce her anxiety. With less anxiety, she is more likely to be punctual. Or at least, less tardy.

[Batya33]

"This approach on his part reduces the pressure. In turn, over time, this may help reduce her anxiety. With less anxiety, she is more likely to be punctual. Or at least, less tardy."

 

Or it might enable her. In the tickets example, sure, she might reimburse him but often the value of the experience/event/concert is far beyond the ticket price and the stress of worrying that you're going to miss the concert or not be allowed to enter the theater late also can't be quantified.

[IAmFCA]

"This approach on his part reduces the pressure. In turn, over time, this may help reduce her anxiety. With less anxiety, she is more likely to be punctual. Or at least, less tardy."

 

Or it might enable her. In the tickets example, sure, she might reimburse him but often the value of the experience/event/concert is far beyond the ticket price and the stress of worrying that you're going to miss the concert or not be allowed to enter the theater late also can't be quantified.

 

Agree completely. She will lose him.

[jimthzz]

I would put up with the occasional, "I'm late" scenario. But not what you have described here. She clearly has other things to do during those times you are kept waiting. Missing paid for theater showings is highly disrespectful.

 

If i were you, I'd show up way late to one of her events she wants you to attend, presuming here, or don't show up at all.

 

 

I also think it would be worth it to check on where she really is once she doesn't show up at a dinner engagement, by going to her place.

 

Actually, all those games are not worth it, just dump her and get a GF who cares for you and shows up as proof.

Give her some bogus excuse like you were rinsing out your unmentionables and lost track of time.

 

These are punitive and unnecessary. If the GF is a liar, just don't date her. If she causes you to miss a ticketed event, expect her to reimburse you. Next time, eat a snack before you picker her up, plan to pick her up (then she is in your control), expect to wait when you come to get her, plan to have a dinner that is WELL before the ticketed event, expect to be late for dinner, eat a bit at dinner, and make it to your goal of the theater.

 

I know this sounds nuts. If it is untenable for you. just break up with her and tell her it is because she is often late and by an intolerable margin. She needs to know.

 

Read the last line of my comment. That is really what I am saying, after pondering titfortat.

[notalady]

Let me add just one more thing, sorry, but for insight....

 

When I talked about always being early for class.... yes, I made it on time. But I haaaated going to classes. It took an additional hour or two of completely wasted time every day just to make sure I made it there early. It was not a pleasant experience. So I fear that if you become rigid about her always being exactly on time, it will become unpleasant for her to meet you anywhere, because she's forcing herself to go against her nature. I would suggest maintaining a little flexibility and leeway, if you're okay with doing that. Find some compromise. That is if you want to make things work and feel like you can accept improvement rather than perfection. If it's not something you want to deal with, no shame in that either. Just saying that it could be one of those things that can't be easily changed about her.

 

What about it being unpleasant for HIM to wait an hour or two or more whenever they make a plan??

 

Honestly, I highly doubt OP's gf's problem is psychological like yours (eg anxiety in your case).

 

OP, I can't believe you had put up with it for this long. Despite her being an adult, much like a child, adults also need to be shown boundaries and what's unacceptable right from the beginning and continually enforced early on such that they will act accordingly, once an unhealthy dynamic is built (like yours), it's harder to change. And because you didn't enforce your boundaries, it now takes very very firm approach to change (if it can be changed).

 

I agree with those that said to leave after 15 mins and keep doing that until she learns. No drama or argument, just calmly tell her, you will no longer waste your precious time waiting for her anymore, if she's more than 15 mins late, you're going home. Then follow through if she is late more than 15 mins (and I mean it, very strictly, not 20 or 30, not just another 5 more mins, do it on the minute you said you're going to leave). Do it again next time. And again next time. Until such a time she changed her lateness or you never actually had a date in weeks because she's always late and you can decide, is this really someone I want to date when she either don't respect me enough to show up knowing I would leave if not or she's someone so poorly planned that I can't trust her to be reliable (or both).

 

Women taking longer to get ready is no excuse, I repeat, NO EXCUSE for being late (if any, OCCASIONALLY 5-10mins, 15 tops!), it has absolutely nothing to do with how long one needs to take to get ready. if you need more time, you build it into your schedule, ie start getting ready an hour or two before. It's absolutely normal for women to take 30mins to get ready or even an hour for some, and yet surprise surprise, majority of them keep their plans on time, how does that magically happen and your gf somehow is an exception? Why can everyone else do it and she can't? Oh wait, it's not she can't, it's she won't because you've allowed it for so long.

 

Also I need to ask, and you didn't respond to someone else on this, is she late to work like this as well? Is she late to important appointments who will cancel it if you're more than a little late (5-10mjn)? This is a crucial consideration.

[Batya33]

I am very surprised that Lostlove assumed the OP was expecting his gf to be exactly on time or "perfect". What I saw was someone who wanted her to be reasonably prompt -within 10-15 minutes -especially if they had tickets or similar. I don't think there should be any compromise beyond that other than for plans where timeliness is not such a big deal either way -then there's no need to be as strict - it shouldn't be about making a point about it in that situation. But that should be discussed in advance "let's have a picnic around noon, but I'm planning to get to the park earlier anyway to exercise, catch up on reading, so no worries if you're running late, just let me know".

 

I don't really care if it takes someone a lot of planning to be on time. It takes me a lot of time to wait for someone who is late and it is stressful especially if you're unclear about whether to proceed without the person, leave or whether you have the day/time wrong. It takes me a lot of planning to be on time for certain things even though I am a punctual person -airline flights, an event that is in an unfamiliar location, and that's not even adding in the extra time it takes to plan when you hav a young child with you.

[Doc Blaze]

Thing is Ops gf does need to change. while some let this slide, the majority wont. we dont even know whats wrong with Ops gf to begin with..

 

you said without changing her Ithinkican, but in the situation i think she does need to change for herself as well as her bf.

 

running 3 hours late while telling her SO you will be there in 15 mins is not ok.

[boltnrun]

My best friend is one of those who takes 2 1/2 hours to "get ready" to go somewhere. Even if that somewhere is down to the corner store to buy milk. It takes her 45 minutes to do her makeup, an hour to do her hair, then of course there's the shower, ironing her clothes (she irons EVERYTHING!!!), etc.

 

She has anxiety, some depression and self esteem issues. She seems to need to "look perfect" every time she leaves the house. I'm a throw on some yoga pants, put the hair in a ponytail, brush the teeth and let's go type, so it's difficult for me to understand why someone needs to look like they're going to a Hollywood premiere to go to the ATM.

 

She IS (and always has been) very, very insecure even though she is model beautiful. I think she feels the need to look perfect because it's the one thing she can control.

 

BUT...she does NOT keep people waiting! Even with whatever it is that causes her to need to look like she's walking the runway at all times, she plans her "getting ready" time. She will start getting ready three hours before leaving home so she doesn't make others wait.

 

I figure if she can plan ahead even with the conditions she has, so can others.

 

My ex SIL, on the other hand, is always late because she does not plan anything. She has no medical conditions but just doesn't care if people have to wait for her. She would plan birthday parties for her kids and have nothing ready when guests arrived. She would be running out the door to the party store as people arrived because she hadn't bought a cake or any decorations. She once made my brother three hours late for a Thanksgiving dinner I had prepared and had the nerve to chastise me for not waiting for them to start eating!

 

So I do not believe that every single person who is chronically late has a medical or mental condition. Some people are just inconsiderate.

[Doc Blaze]

Op when she shows up late, do you send messages asking where she is? or just wait until she arrives

 

 

like 1 hour late do you message her asking where she is?

[journeynow]

No drama or argument, just calmly tell her, you will no longer waste your precious time waiting for her anymore, if she's more than 15 mins late, you're going home.

 

I agree with No Drama/No Argument, but the above has a bit of drama (precious time, waste, anymore). I agree with the sentiment, but to me calmly would be "I'll wait 15 minutes max, and then will make other plans". Eventually, either they'll mesh or they won't, because they'll either be enjoying time together or not. (I would not say to her what those plans are, it could be heading home, it could be meeting with other people.)

 

The difficulty for me would be that I would worry that something happened to her, an accident, perhaps...

[lostlove76]

I am very surprised that Lostlove assumed the OP was expecting his gf to be exactly on time or "perfect".

 

I never assumed that about the OP!! I was just suggesting not to go to that extreme. Seems like a few posters were suggesting a zero-tolerance stance (if I'm wrong about that, forgive me, it's been a few days since I read the posts and can't remember everything everyone said). I was simply saying to maintain a little flexibility if he wants to keep seeing her, because I don't think she could suddenly change and be on time everywhere. To pressure her to do so (when it goes against her habit and nature) would probably just make the situation worse. Not saying OP did anything wrong or had unreasonable expectations.

[lostlove76]

So I do not believe that every single person who is chronically late has a medical or mental condition. Some people are just inconsiderate.

 

This is true. I think OP needs to determine the root of the problem here in order to see 1) how likely it is that this behavior can be changed/improved and 2) how annoyed he should be. IMO he should be completely annoyed if she's just being inconsiderate, but maybe a bit less so if it's something that she really struggles with. its That is, if he wants things to work out.

[Batya33]

I never assumed that about the OP!! I was just suggesting not to go to that extreme. Seems like a few posters were suggesting a zero-tolerance stance (if I'm wrong about that, forgive me, it's been a few days since I read the posts and can't remember everything everyone said). I was simply saying to maintain a little flexibility if he wants to keep seeing her, because I don't think she could suddenly change and be on time everywhere. To pressure her to do so (when it goes against her habit and nature) would probably just make the situation worse. Not saying OP did anything wrong or had unreasonable expectations.

 

Yes, totally agree!

[happpybear]

I'm shocked this thread has gone on this long. Regardless of her reasons for being late, whether it's mental illness, ADHD, organizational issues, laziness, or just plain simple self-absorbtion and lack of respect, you can either choose to accept it (because it likely won't change) or walk away.

 

I think you would be better served to just walk away now, and tale a good look at yourself, because you have boundary issues, big time!! Why did you LET her do this to you? Remedy this first...

[annie24]

Yikes. I see a lot of people have responded on this thread. I think from now on, you have to put your foot down. Once you've waited 15 minutes, it's time to go home. don't bother sitting at the restaurant anymore. Or order a meal or a drink then leave. Don't buy theater tickets for her anymore since it's obvious she won't get there until the show is over. I agree that this is super rude behavior on her part.

[IAmFCA]

Thing is Ops gf does need to change. while some let this slide, the majority wont. we dont even know whats wrong with Ops gf to begin with..

 

you said without changing her Ithinkican, but in the situation i think she does need to change for herself as well as her bf.

 

running 3 hours late while telling her SO you will be there in 15 mins is not ok.

 

Don't confuse my words. If the GF were posting, we could talk to her about changing. As in all things, the OP can be responsible only for himself, his actions, his choices. He can not change her, nor even strive to change her.

 

Her behavior is unacceptable. I can't say why she does it, nor what would help her change. I CAN say that if he treats with love acceptance and respect, while also finding a way to incorporate her behavior into his planning, he will be happier than if he is frustrated by her, and she will be more likely to change given the security if his kind presence.

[IAmFCA]

Yikes. I see a lot of people have responded on this thread. I think from now on, you have to put your foot down. Once you've waited 15 minutes, it's time to go home. don't bother sitting at the restaurant anymore. Or order a meal or a drink then leave. Don't buy theater tickets for her anymore since it's obvious she won't get there until the show is over. I agree that this is super rude behavior on her part.

 

I agree with this, there is no reason to wait or to set up schedules that she won't meet.

[KevinStewart]

Oh Gosh!

 

I believe I know someone just like your GF... won't bore you with the story but you need to know that these people are terrible at estimating how long things take. Give it a try: ask her how long do you think it takes for you to do... You'd be surprised at how unrealistic her estimate of the time it takes for her to do that particular thing is!

 

Second thing is: I blame you for being overly forgiving! We, by our behavior, define how other people treat and react to us! Everyone does it... just take a closer look at yourself! You'll notice you unconsciously adjust your behavior to how sensitive you think a certain person is! If you believe a friend of your's easily gets upset at a joke, you speak more considerately with them and vice versa! Some people have a better understanding of their surroundings, people around them and get a hint before something upsets their loved ones or people who they care about. With others, well apparently your GF included, you have to establish a punish/ reward policy for yourself. If you don't they will ignore you more and more. That's exactly why it's been getting worse and worse: You've been trying to keep a smiling face and that's wrong! I know that, because I find it hard myself to treat people badly... But you have to know: If you keep going like that, you'll tolerance will run out soon!

[Heather Dawn]

Honestly, the OP should not have to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to make this work. If she can't get her act together, then he has every right to dump her and not feel guilty about it. She may be a lovely person, but that isn't always enough.

[lostlove76]

Honestly, the OP should not have to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to make this work. If she can't get her act together, then he has every right to dump her and not feel guilty about it. She may be a lovely person, but that isn't always enough.

 

As one of the chronically late posters here, I would still agree with this. He can dump her without guilt. It certainly is a lot to put up with, and it would take a lot of effort and adjustments on his part to see any improvement from her. So I guess he has to decide if he wants to stick with it or not, knowing that it won't be easy. I would be disappointed if someone gave up on me because of my lateness, but I would understand.

[IAmFCA]

Oh Gosh!

 

I believe I know someone just like your GF... won't bore you with the story but you need to know that these people are terrible at estimating how long things take. Give it a try: ask her how long do you think it takes for you to do... You'd be surprised at how unrealistic her estimate of the time it takes for her to do that particular thing is!

 

Second thing is: I blame you for being overly forgiving! We, by our behavior, define how other people treat and react to us! Everyone does it... just take a closer look at yourself! You'll notice you unconsciously adjust your behavior to how sensitive you think a certain person is! If you believe a friend of your's easily gets upset at a joke, you speak more considerately with them and vice versa! Some people have a better understanding of their surroundings, people around them and get a hint before something upsets their loved ones or people who they care about. With others, well apparently your GF included, you have to establish a punish/ reward policy for yourself. If you don't they will ignore you more and more. That's exactly why it's been getting worse and worse: You've been trying to keep a smiling face and that's wrong! I know that, because I find it hard myself to treat people badly... But you have to know: If you keep going like that, you'll tolerance will run out soon!

 

Agree with one edit:

 

Always keep a smiling face. That reflects on you. Do NOT adopt a reward/punishment thought and behavior pattern. Do not become babysitter, parent, judge, executioner.

 

DO adopt a behavior pattern that makes you happy and meets your needs. You've hit the right balance when you are unfazed by her behavior either way.

[IAmFCA]

As one of the chronically late posters here, I would still agree with this. He can dump her without guilt. It certainly is a lot to put up with, and it would take a lot of effort and adjustments on his part to see any improvement from her. So I guess he has to decide if he wants to stick with it or not, knowing that it won't be easy. I would be disappointed if someone gave up on me because of my lateness, but I would understand.

 

Agree 100%.

 

If ending it is your decision, OP, own it. For example, "I want to include you in activities and I haven't figured out how to do that without also being anxious and disappointed about missing them. You need someone who can be more flexible for you, and that's not me."

[journeynow]

Agree 100%.

 

If ending it is your decision, OP, own it. For example, "I want to include you in activities and I haven't figured out how to do that without also being anxious and disappointed about missing them. You need someone who can be more flexible for you, and that's not me."

 

Rather than telling her what she needs (that is for her to decide, not him) owning it would be about what he needs. "I need someone who I can count on" or "who I don't have to wait for" or something like that, or simply "I don't feel we are a good match."