Chronically late girlfriend

[Wiseman2]

That's not so and no excuse. With women do not question how long it takes to 'get ready' or why. Assume it's make up clothes etc. and mostly be aware from this point on that it will invariably be at least 2x as long as chit-shower-shave for you. This is female grooming not some deep rooted psychological problem.

 

Being late is not a psychiatric diagnosis. Neither is women taking longer to get ready.

Does it take you a long time to get ready? Why? I'm very curious about the psychology of this. Taking more than 20 minutes to get ready seems to me to stem in most cases from deeply low self-esteem or something along those lines.

[Batya33]

I understand this, actually. When I am early, or the first of a group to arrive at a meeting place, if I have to wait more than a few minutes, my anxiety spikes. Do I have the wrong location? Am I supposed to be somewhere else? (Cell reception is spotty here, so touching base can be tricky.) Do I have the wrong day? (That has happened.) Wrong time? It helps to have a plan for passing the waiting time. I can bring a book, a journal, or a sketchbook, and read, write, or sketch. That becomes a satisfying activity in itself and any waiting is a pleasure.

 

I completely understand if someone suffers from anxiety. I would be fine with someone telling me she has a hard time being on time because of whatever -I would then plan accordingly in advance or tell the person that I would wait a certain amount of time and then move on. I don't think it's fair to burden someone else in that way. Most of us are busy and have precious little free time and even less time to waste wondering where someone is and what to do if there is a deadline/timing issue.

[Moontiger]

Next time she is 15 minuets late, leave. Send her a text to the effect of "I've already left. When you are able to fit me in to your schedule let me know."

[lostlove76]

I'm actually very curious about this. Does it take you a long time to get ready? Why? I'm very curious about the psychology of this. Taking more than 20 minutes to get ready seems to me to stem in most cases from deeply low self-esteem or something along those lines.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. It shouldn't take me a long time to get ready, because I dress very simply and don't wear a lot of makeup. Theoretically, I should be able to change clothes, use the bathroom, and be out the door in 10 minutes, 15 if I'm being slow. But it takes longer because of low self-esteem I think, like you're saying. I'm looking in the mirror annoyed with my hair, making sure I look okay, fretting over a zit or something. It's not vanity, it's insecurity. And the more I fret over it, the more my anxiety builds, which makes me dread going out, and I even further associate leaving the house with anxiety. It's a mess.

 

Unfortunately, whilst she is embarrassed and obviously feels a lot of anxiety by being late, it doesn't appear to be enough of a problem for her to change her ways as you did. When I saw her arrive at the theatre last night, I could see her face etched with anxiety, before she'd spotted me. Can't be good for her health to feel that level of anxiety so consistently.

Aghh, I know that feeling so well. And no, it's not good for her health. If she's late everywhere she goes, then she's feeling this anxiety multiple times a day.

 

People tend to think that being late is rude and disrespectful, and while it surely is, there are people for whom this is not the reason they are late; it's not because your time is being disrespected or uncared for -- it's because she's dealing with her own personal issues that are causing her to run behind. (I'll admit that I didn't read your whole initial post yet, sorry! I'll go back and read it. I just saw the topic and scanned quickly because I wanted to comment. So I'm not sure her personal reasons for lateness, but just offering you another perspective on it).

[j.man]

You've got some folks with hearts of gold in here. For me, frequent tardiness isn't even something I'll discuss with with someone I'm dating. I don't make it an issue or hold it over their head. I simply stop seeing them. The only time it has really come up is when I asked my girlfriend how long she needed to get ready. She said 15 minutes. I asked, "Do you mean actual 15 minutes or is that lady speak for 30 minutes?" She said, "No, that would be stupid." And I immediately thought to myself... "This is the one."

[donkeypickle]

That's not so and no excuse. With women do not question how long it takes to 'get ready' or why. Assume it's make up clothes etc. and mostly be aware from this point on that it will invariably be at least 2x as long as chit-shower-shave for you. This is female grooming not some deep rooted psychological problem.

 

Being late is not a psychiatric diagnosis. Neither is women taking longer to get ready.

I went back and edited this to say 30 mins and toned down the hyperbole... I think I must be feeling frustrated and it's coming out a bit here. Oops Mind you, I disagree that chronic lateness isn't a psychiatric problem at its root.

[Wiseman2]

I concede, you're right. Narcissistic personalities have such an inflated sense of self importance that they often make the 'little people' hurry up and wait. But that goes back to the lay term I mentioned earlier: Diva.

I disagree that chronic lateness isn't a psychiatric problem at its root.

[SherrySher]

J.man..I agree, but then I also agree that it's not good to let people walk all over you. Both people's feelings should be in consideration, not just the one.

[lostsoul214]

Hi OP,

 

I had that type of behavior as well in the past. The only explanation was that I was extremely disorganized. As it was mentioned in some other replies, I would sleep very late at night, and then I wouldn’t be able to wake up on time to prepare myself.

 

I will tell you this : About one year and a half ago I started dating a guy who was on time all the time. He told me to meet him at 8, I would text him at 7 that I will be late, and I would show up at 8 or 8 This is not because my “ taxi was late “, or any of the BS excuses she gave you, it was pure and simply because I was so disorganized, instead of starting preparing myself at 6pm to be ready to get out on time, I would literally start preparing myself at 7

 

After the THIRD time at most, this guy was crystal clear to me : If I come in late another time, he will not wait anymore. That’s it, that’s all. You are taking your time out of your day for someone that is not capable of making sure your plans together will work out?

 

I swear to God: I never came in late ever again. If I DON ‘T THINK that I will be able to see you tomorrow for 8 (because I have an appointment, or something before that), I simply say that and we’ll find another time to make plans. But imo, she is honestly abusing of your kindness and your constant leniency.

 

No you are right, no one will ever accept that. Oh, except you. Make it stop. She has so many other responsibilities, like work and so on. No one in this world can survive not showing up on time. Either being in the workplace, school, or in relationships.

 

How can you have “dates” if she never shows up? I am surprised you have so little respect for yourself. Next time, she’s not there on time, wait 10 minutes, and LEAVE. Do not even send a text saying you left. Oh no, I sincerely do not think she deserves that respect from you.

 

She will come 2 hours later, will text you asking you where you are, make her wait for a reply (30-45 minutes, see how she likes it!) and simply state: I left and made other plans with people who respect me and my time.

 

That’s it. If she really cares for you, REALLY, she will apologize and say she will never do it again. A few days later, if she’s not there on the EXACT time she’s supposed to be (believe me, after my guy told me it was done, I came 15 minutes IN ADVANCE!), then ciao.

 

Learn to make people respect you and your time, especially women. They have no pity for that. Feeding her cat? It takes me 4 minutes max to feed my cat! Taxi came in late ? No, you call the taxi yourself, it takes about 15 minutes MAX! for it to arrive. As for the bathroom behavior, do you like someone that is SO SO concentrated on her appearance so much? Do you like that you want to do something with someone, and instead of being with you she is looking at herself in the mirror for literally 1 hour and makes It on purpose to miss the activity you planed together? Does it show care? Think twice.

[lostlove76]

I concede, you're right. Narcissistic personalities have such an inflated sense of self importance that they often make the 'little people' hurry up and wait. But that goes back to the lay term I mentioned earlier: Diva.

 

Hey Wiseman I usually find myself agreeing with 99% of your posts, but I do have to disagree with this one. What you're saying is probably definitely true in a lot of cases, but not all. Some people feel really bad about being late. Like I mentioned, my parents are always late, and they feel really bad about it. They're just highly disorganized when trying to get out the door. And like I said about myself, it's usually anxiety-based.

 

If the OP loves his girlfriend and would like for things to work out, I think it will help him to discover her reasons for lateness. If it's not a case of her being an entitled diva, then he can strive to not take it personally and instead, brainstorm to see if adjustments or solutions can be found to lessen the annoyance (and I agree that it must be highly annoying).

[WithLove]

My aunt is perpetually late like your girlfriend. I've known her all of my 26 years and she has always been this way. She was even late to my mother's wedding. No matter how often we tell her she needs to be on time, she never is. I do not think people like this change.

 

If you love her and want it to work out, perhaps you can tell her she needs to be there an hour before the actual time.

[Wiseman2]

It was somewhat tongue-in-cheek.

Hey Wiseman I usually find myself agreeing with 99% of your posts, but I do have to disagree with this one.

[lostlove76]

Let me add just one more thing, sorry, but for insight....

 

When I talked about always being early for class.... yes, I made it on time. But I haaaated going to classes. It took an additional hour or two of completely wasted time every day just to make sure I made it there early. It was not a pleasant experience. So I fear that if you become rigid about her always being exactly on time, it will become unpleasant for her to meet you anywhere, because she's forcing herself to go against her nature. I would suggest maintaining a little flexibility and leeway, if you're okay with doing that. Find some compromise. That is if you want to make things work and feel like you can accept improvement rather than perfection. If it's not something you want to deal with, no shame in that either. Just saying that it could be one of those things that can't be easily changed about her.

[lostlove76]

It was somewhat tongue-in-cheek.

 

Oh okay, sorry I'm a bit distracted as I'm reading these posts.

[donkeypickle]

I don't think it's diva behaviour. If it were that, I don't think she'd look so clearly anxious and flustered when she arrived. Nor would she apologise... I think it's a deep-rooted psychological issue. She told me she's actually lost at least one friendship due to this behaviour in the past. At the time I thought that sounded quite extreme, but now I'm beginning to see how this sort of thing can build resentment over time.

 

As for the bathroom behavior, do you like someone that is SO SO concentrated on her appearance so much? Do you like that you want to do something with someone, and instead of being with you she is looking at herself in the mirror for literally 1 hour and makes It on purpose to miss the activity you planed together? Does it show care? Think twice.

This is exactly how I feel. I don't want someone like that. That's perhaps the crux of it. I don't know. I really like her but the time spent in the bathroom is a pretty significant turn-off actually. It's affecting my attraction towards her... ironically in the polar opposite direction of that which she's presumably aiming for! The lateness isn't an outright turn-off in itself so much as being highly annoying though. Should point out these are conclusions I'm sort of coming to now, in real time, as I'm typing this.

[journeynow]

Nor would she apologise... I think it's a deep-rooted psychological issue. She told me she's actually lost at least one friendship due to this behaviour in the past.

 

Maybe you should put this relationship on hold, or on the back burner, until she deals with it, then. In other words, she gets help, sees a therapist, successfully addresses it and changes her behavior.

[Heather Dawn]

That drives me INSANE, as I'm someone who always makes the effort to be early.

 

My parents are chronically late, and I've told them how frustrating it is. Secretly, I've started giving them fake times for things just to insure they arrive by the actual time.

[lostlove76]

About the bathroom issue... She reminds me of a friend of mine's then-girlfriend (now wife). His girlfriend did the same thing as yours. It took her forever to get ready, and she always came out looking beautiful and amazing. My friend would rather she just leave off the makeup and go. He thought she was beautiful without it. But his girlfriend felt really uncomfortable without it. I remember my friend complaining because it took her so long to get ready just to walk down to the beach while they were on vacation. What worked for him was to make her feel comfortable in her more natural state. At night he would gently urge her to take off her makeup, would tell her how beautiful she was without it. And over time, she relaxed a little bit. I don't know how things are now because I haven't talked to him in a while, but things seemed to be improving. It sounds to me like your girlfriend is hung up on needing to look fabulous and perfect, and I don't think it's vanity, I think it's insecurity. I can see why it would be a turn-off though.

[SherrySher]

I hope you figure out whats best for you donkey..its very interesting to read all the opinions. It's always good to get all sorts of perspectives. I hope you find the answers that work best for you.

[lostsoul214]

I don't think it's diva behaviour. If it were that, I don't think she'd look so clearly anxious and flustered when she arrived. Nor would she apologise... I think it's a deep-rooted psychological issue. She told me she's actually lost at least one friendship due to this behaviour in the past. At the time I thought that sounded quite extreme, but now I'm beginning to see how this sort of thing can build resentment over time.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I don't want someone like that. That's perhaps the crux of it. I don't know. I really like her but the time spent in the bathroom is a pretty significant turn-off actually. It's affecting my attraction towards her... ironically in the polar opposite direction of that which she's presumably aiming for! The lateness isn't an outright turn-off in itself so much as being highly annoying though. Should point out these are conclusions I'm sort of coming to now, in real time, as I'm typing this.

 

Look, some people feel very conscious about their appearance. If it could give you any insight, I've been through there as well. I remember I was always wearing make-up in front of my ex. Because i wanted him to find me pretty and perfect all the time. Ideally, I did not want him to notice that I went in the bathroom to fix myself, and all. It would take me 5 (even 10 is a bit too much) minutes max. Then I would get out, and we'll continue watching our movie, or continue cooking together or whatever. So i am telling you this is not normal. It means that she sincerely, actually DOES NOT CARE AT ALLLL, whether you're wondering what in the world she's doing in there AND whether you are waiting alone. The reason I did not stay a long time is because I had so much respect for the guy. Come on, he was waiting for me to do whatever we planed together, for me I would not disrespect him to that extent. I am invited to his place and decide to get stuck in the guy's bathroom because I am so focused on my appearance, I have to look good, I have to look perfect?.... Yes, it is a turn-off and I know it myself. That's why I do my thing quickly and get out. It would be a turn-off for anyone actually, plus adding the constant lateness... you've got yourself the whole damn package! To be honest, if after so much time, it's still going on, it's not going to change. She's just like that! I am talking about the lateness and the narcissistic behavior. I lost a friend as well before because i made her wait 1 hour. ONCE. That's it. Look, things happen and these things should make you realize what you're perhaps doing wrong. This is what changing yourself for the better is. If you don't care, you won't change. Very few are the people willing to make the changes. They think there will always be at least someone that will accept it. The world is not only about her and her only. I just can't really understand how come you've put up with that for so long to be honest.

[Iggy5129]

Does she smoke weed? 😆 Lol

 

I'm a stoner and therefore a bit late to meet my friends some times. But even then it's like 10-15 min and I'm never late for work, appointments, interviews, etc. I have never been 2 hours late to meet someone especially not my BF.

 

You keep avoiding the topic with her. You can't expect it to get better if you refuse to bring it up. She can't read your mind.

 

I agree, wait 15 min, if she's not there go on with your day.

[Wiseman2]

Have you ever told her? Or does she just keep making excuse after excuse? Keep in mind with this passive-aggressive lateness comes a host of lies and stories about this that and the other held her up.

Nor would she apologise... I really like her but the time spent in the bathroom is a pretty significant turn-off actually. It's affecting my attraction towards her... The lateness isn't an outright turn-off in itself so much as being highly annoying though.

[missmarple]

I did not stay a long time is because I had so much respect for the guy.

 

And this is what it boils down to. You either respect someone or you don't.

[j.man]

And this is what it boils down to. You either respect someone or you don't.

Precisely, which is why I don't even discuss the matter with women I date who are late. If I have to sit you down and ask you to respect my time and to keep your commitments, I simply can't respect you. It's done.

[mfan]

Hey donkeypickle, I think ultimately you're going to have to make one of two choice:

Either (A) Decide that there's something wrong with her, and resolve to accept and live with it, or (B) Decide there's nothing wrong with her, and reject the behavior.

 

Don't use "fake meeting times". If a show starts at 8pm, agree to meet for dinner at 6pm. Pick a place that doesn't require reservations. If she doesn't show up, at least you don't miss the show.

 

Also, never leave your house to go meet her until you receive confirmation from her that she has left her house and is on the way. Insist on this, and inform her in advance every time you plan to meet.