Why did dumper send me this letter?

[JustLetGo]

What do you think she wants to achieve by sending me this?

 

The letter

(Typed out, two pages, sent by firstclass post. )

 

I can understand very well that you are angry or have been angry, and perhaps also sad and let down. I think that everyone who goes through something like this experiences these feelings.

 

I'd like to explain/tell you a few things.

 

After our first date which went very wel, I was waiting to fall in love before wanting to label us. This goes hand in hand with getting to know someone better for me. And if I had fallen in love, I had definitely wanted to start a relationship with you.

 

Like I told you in our conversation a few months ago, I would regret losing contact with you. It became very confusing for me because Iliked having you around me but I still wasn't in love.

I liked/like doing fun stuff with you, cuddling, sex, but I did not have a differen't feeling.

I have never experienced not knowing this after 3,5 months. So that means there are lots of very fun things about you to make me doubt.

 

The letter you sent sparked differen't feelings in me. It was so cute and and sparked a warm feeling in my heart. A feeling that comes with a great friendship. But I knew I had to end it and I did not look forward to hurting you. I do not have another and you didn't do anything wrong.

 

Although I had tried timing it better, it didn't pan out that way. I really didn't like that.

 

When two people feel different things then I don't think they can be happy. And I wish us both happiness.

 

I can still say that I have never lied to you and have always wished and still wish you the best.

 

Want to thank you fro the fun times I had with you and that I could be myself around you. And for your lively and kind character which radiates gratitude.

 

I hope you will find the happiness that you deserve!

 

If you have any questions then you are always allowed to ask them.

 

Fondly,

K

[SherrySher]

What does she want to achieve? She wants to find closure and to say goodbye in the nicest way possible. She is being respectful and explaining fully to you why she does not wish to be with you or wish to continue the relationship anymore. In part, the closure could be for you, but it is also for her. It is a goodbye letter.

[notalady]

Need more context like how long did you date, how did the break up go down, are you still in touch or not etc. but on the face of it, looks like she's just seeking closure. Maybe wanting to be friends if you're interested.

[leseine7]

Just what she said in the letter: she wants you to find happiness and wishes you well. She probably wants this letter to be closure and a clean slate - a positive way of ending things. It's pretty clear she's basically just explaining why she broke it off and attempting to make sure there are no hard feelings.

 

Also, not that it's in any way relevant, but someone reallyyyy needs to tell her different is NOT SPELLED 'DIFFEREN'T'.

[dave_1966]

Screw it up, and pop it in the waste paper basket where it belongs. If you have a document shredder, even better. Move on with your life, she's being self indulgent. These sort of things are about trying to shed guilt for hurting someone.

[JustLetGo]

Thank you for the reponses, I posted this here to get as many opinions as I can on this. Because I have never received a letter from anyone post-breakup.

 

We had been seeing each other for 4,5 months. We were 'exclusive' but she did not want to label us as an "official" boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

 

 

The main thing bugging me about this letter is that she "broke" the thing we had, but in this letter might be implying on still wanting to remain in contact/see me.

[JustLetGo]

Screw it up, and pop it in the waste paper basket where it belongs. If you have a document shredder, even better. Move on with your life, she's being self indulgent. These sort of things are about trying to shed guilt for hurting someone.

 

I agree on the one hand.

 

But on the other hand I had literally told her beforehand "Don't feel guilty about ending a relationship for the right reasons. And you do not have to send me a letter. But I guess it was a sweet thought."

[Coldarmy13]

 

 

The main thing bugging me about this letter is that she "broke" the thing we had, but in this letter might be implying on still wanting to remain in contact/see me.

 

I didn't read it that way. I saw as an attempt to ease her own guilt. Best you'll ever do with her is simply friends. Don't try to find false hope by seeing what isn't really there. I'm sorry that she hurt you.

[leseine7]

I hate to break it to you, but in no way does this letter imply she wants to see you again. I think many times, when people break things off they feel bad for hurting the other person and worry about any hard feelings, so they imply wanting to still be in each others' lives/ friends. This has always happened when I've been broken up with, and that friendship never took place.

 

If you can be in contact without hoping she feels/wants more from you then by all means try to stay in touch, but it sounds like she's pretty clear in her intentions and lack of being into you romantically.

[Cope]

I wish my recent ex would send me one of those! Sure she might be easing her guilt but she is also making it clear for you.

It is easy to misunderstand this as a need for contact, you still have feelings for her. Who knows, it might be, but honestly i think she just put herself in your shoes or has been a dumpee before and remembered what it was like and sent this letter. I like it. I will be sad to find out this proceeded to be a way to keep you as a FWB. If so, do update us! I'd say keep it. If in doubt of reconciliation, refer back to it. I find it pretty clear.

[leseine7]

Yes, as Cope said, there's always a risk of winding up being some FWB or no-strings-attached thing so she can keep getting attention from you while she looks for someone else she can 'fall in love with sooner.' (That really annoyed me about her letter. She seems pretty self-absorbed and seems to have a very high opinion of herself. 'Normally I fall in love a lot sooner than 3.5 months so we have to break up.' Yikes, um, okay!)

 

Also, she ends this letter saying she wishes you well and hopes you both find happiness. Nothing about this letter is romantic in my opinion. Don't read into it anymore, and move on.

[TMifune]

Guilt remediation / bread crumb. Don't take the bait.

[TMifune]

She seems pretty self-absorbed and seems to have a very high opinion of herself. 'Normally I fall in love a lot sooner than 3.5 months so we have to break up.' Yikes, um, okay!)

 

Which is pretty absurd. 3.5 months is still infatuation territory. She might as well be saying "My dopamine and oxytocin levels didn't rise high enough to continue this relationship."

 

Left a bad taste in my mouth too....especially since I've received something somewhat similar to it before.

[leseine7]

Hahaha... by the way she wrote the letter, I highly doubt she would have been able to come up with "My dopamine and oxytocin levels didn't rise high enough to continue this relationship."

 

...Just sayin.

[IAmFCA]

She wants you to know she didn't lie, that she tried and it wasn't there for her, and that she likes your personality. Kind of a "it's out of my hands, I didn't get the feeling" tone to it, so therefore as an honest, well-meaning ex, she is blameless.

 

That is her message.

 

Imho, she is still learning what she wants and what a relationship is, and is bound for more chaos in her future.

[jennylove]

Her first paragraph is sooo self-absorbed. Who does she think she is??? Some great catch obviously. I'd write her back just to kick her off the high-horse. Little princess.

[crowleysgirl]

Probably just feeling guilty, or wanting to have some of your attention until she meets a new guy she actually likes. Doesn't matter. She broke up with you.

[JustLetGo]

Thanks for all these responses! It's so great I agree with a lot of them. There are multiple things that this letter says: goodbye, I'm feeling guilty, perhaps keep contact. Etc.

 

To be honest I had already moved on for 80-90% already. But of course after receiving this, it just made me think.

 

I am not really bitter at all. And I guess I could keep contact with her, not expecting anything of it really.

[HeartGoesOn]

If you have any questions then you are always allowed to ask them.

^

It's nice to know you're allowed to ask questions after she dumped you. This statement alone would confirm how you dodged a bullet.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like a response to your letter and some attempt at closure/the last word.

The letter you sent

[thornz]

Sounds like a number of things, alleviating guilt, explaining her reasons, working things through in her own mind, expressing appreciation of your company.

 

Might be easier to analyse if we saw the letter it was in response to.

[JustLetGo]

Thank you for all the great responses!

 

Sounds like a number of things, alleviating guilt, explaining her reasons, working things through in her own mind, expressing appreciation of your company.

 

Might be easier to analyse if we saw the letter it was in response to.

 

That "letter" was a romantic card.

 

A day before the breakup I had sent her a romantic card saying how I'm looking forward to enjoying the beautiful weather with her, hopefully that weekend. By having a picknick and catching frogs.

 

This made her feel warm inside. But of course it also made her feel guilty because she had been planning on ending it. Which she did the next day (about a month ago).

[Wiseman2]

Ouch. Sorry to hear that. In that case her letter was just to say "wishing you the best" sort of thing

A day before the breakup I had sent her a romantic card saying how I'm looking forward to enjoying the beautiful weather with her, hopefully that weekend.

[jennylove]

You could ask her what her intentions were with that ridiculous letter. I'd flat out ask her, "what was the purpose of this letter?" Nothing more.

[boltnrun]

You could ask her what her intentions were with that ridiculous letter. I'd flat out ask her, "what was the purpose of this letter?" Nothing more.

 

Nope, that would be needlessly prolonging contact. There's no reason to continue trying to stay in her life after receiving this.

 

Sure, you two can be "friends" if it wouldn't bother you one bit seeing her with a new guy, or having to listen to her talk about guys she's dating.