I love him, but I regret moving in together

[lms919]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (I'm 33, he's 35). I just moved into his house 2 months ago.

 

It's the house he grew up in. Long story short, his parents split up (tumultuous childhood) and he was the only one who could take care of the house. It's paid off, and he's still in it for no other sentimental reasons - just that he/we can't afford to buy a place of his/our own. He has 2 little dogs (which I love) and a cat (not a fan and allergic) plus, we are housing his sister's dog, who can't have a dog where she currently lives. Due to the animals, and all his stuff (tools, camping gear, etc.) he would never rent an apartment - he needs a yard, garage - there's just too much stuff for this house as it is. It's very old, and while he is handy and has fixed up a lot, it's just deteriorating. He's not a "cleaner" - also has ADD, so he's the king of starting projects and taking 1-5 years to finish them. There's a bunch of junk on the back porch (which is in lousy shape) - just.stuff.everywhere. The living room isn't usable - it's become the "dog room". Three dogs create quite the mess(es) plus, all the stuff he has thrown in there (random tools, car parts, etc. etc. etc.). It's overwhelming to me.

 

I'm a neat-freak, only child, and I've lived on my own for 10+years. I am having a really, really hard time with this. Our relationship has definitely changed since moving in together. We haven't been as close, we bicker/argue a lot more than we ever have over the house, I don't feel like being intimate with him as much as I used to. I was able to have one room in the house that's my sanctuary, but that all ends when I have to use the bathroom (we're sharing a tiny bathroom downstairs - the upstairs bathroom has been gutted for a while now....waiting on finishing that) or any of the other common areas.

 

We made the decision based on financial reasons (why should I pay rent when I'm at his place a few nights out of the week?), and of course that we love spending time together, but I'm really regretting giving up the "room of my own". I would gladly take back the driving between our places just to have that sacred space. I'd stay over at his house, then have the luxury of getting ready for work in my own, quiet, clean apt.

 

I realize that it was my own choice and I knew what I was getting into - it's not like the house just magically changed into what it is overnight. I guess I just thought it would be more manageable, or I wouldn't feel the way I do. I brought up potentially moving out (not breaking up) - that I felt like it was what I needed, and it could strengthen our relationship if we could get back that "dating" dynamic. That upset him, and he feels like that would be a step backward. I understand that, but now I feel even more stuck/ trapped. We're not married, I know it's a choice for me to be here and he's not holding a gun to my head - but I feel like I can't bring it up anymore...so I'm just unhappy all the time. I don't look forward to coming "home." I feel like I don't have a "home" and there's no end in sight. Then, I feel guilty about feeling that way, and it makes it worse. I love him. He's a wonderful guy and would do anything for the people he loves and cares about. I don't know whether I should just suck it up and continue to be unhappy/resentful or try explaining myself again. We've talked about getting married someday (we're not in a hurry) and neither of us want kids, so we're not really on any kind of timeline.

 

I fantasize about having my own place daily. I don't know what to do. If you think I'm being an a#$hole, please tell me. I just don't know what to do with these feelings.

[Hermes]

LMS:

 

Reading this

"Our relationship has definitely changed since moving in together. We haven't been as close, we bicker/argue a lot more than we ever have over the house, I don't feel like being intimate with him as much as I used to. I was able to have one room in the house that's my sanctuary, but that all ends when I have to use the bathroom (we're sharing a tiny bathroom downstairs "

 

Short answer here is move back to your own place, your own space.

 

All that aside I see huge compatibility issues in this relationship.

 

"also has ADD, so he's the king of starting projects and taking 1-5 years to finish them. There's a bunch of junk on the back porch (which is in lousy shape) - just.stuff.everywhere. The living room isn't usable - it's become the "dog room". Three dogs create quite the mess(es) plus, all the stuff he has thrown in there (random tools, car parts, etc. etc. etc.). It's overwhelming to me. "

 

What's so great about this relationship? Not a good idea to get married....

[Wiseman2]

Sadly this place sounds like a rundown squalid dump. Unfortunately it belongs to him and you are only living there, so what you see is what you get. Luckily you are not married and have no joint assets, etc. so you can move out into your own place. Not sure where you see this going with such blatant life-style conflicts.

[j.man]

You don't need his permission to move out.

 

"I love you, but I'm sorry, I can't love that house."

 

He either deals with it or you both move on. The current arrangement obviously isn't working.

[Hermes]

LMS.

 

What do you mean by this?:

 

"He's a wonderful guy and would do anything for the people he loves and cares about. "

 

If that were the case he'd get a move on, clean up the clutter and squalor...

[lms919]

I should give him due credit - he's done a lot since I moved in. We cleaned out closets, put a new floor down in the kitchen, started rewiring the upstairs bathroom. I know it's difficult in that we both work full time and I'm also taking a class. I know I can be impatient, and I don't want to be that girl who nags. It's unfair of me to b*%&h about it all the time - I know home repairs can be time consuming and costly, even when doing them yourself.

 

It's not all bad, by any means - we have a similar sense of humor and we have a lot of fun together, share the same worldview, etc. When I broke my leg a year ago, he took care of me until I was able to get around on my own. Nothing was too much trouble. He's very loving and affectionate. I can tell he makes an effort to clean up, as he knows how it makes me feel - it's not like he doesn't give a crap. There's just so.much. The best analogy I can use is: you can stick a dozen roses in a butt hole, that doesn't make it a vase. Then I feel guilty, in that I know he's trying, he's busy, his mind also works differently than mine, and I can't expect everyone to look at things the same way I do. It's a constant internal struggle between how I feel and feeling bad about it. I worry that I have the dreaded "only child" syndrome, but I can't help that I just crave alone time.

[j.man]

So let's be honest. How much of this is actually you struggling with the idea of paying rent again and the subsequent notion of "beggars can't be choosers?"

[Wiseman2]

You are in his house and since you don't pay rent or contribute financially, beggars can't be choosers. Are you helping at all with this or paying for a contractor or cleaning service?

[TMifune]

Then I feel guilty, in that I know he's trying, he's busy, his mind also works differently than mine, and I can't expect everyone to look at things the same way I do. It's a constant internal struggle between how I feel and feeling bad about it. I worry that I have the dreaded "only child" syndrome, but I can't help that I just crave alone time.

 

So what have you done to help the situation beyond simply having this intense internal emotional struggle over the situation? What's stopping you from fixing up a room? What's stopping you from organizing some of the mess? I'm not saying you're responsible for his messes, but if it's bothering you this much, why not just take an active role in solving it instead of simply obsessing over how it's not happening fast enough for you? If waiting for him to get to it makes you feel helpless, then do something and you won't feel as helpless.

[Hermes]

LMS. This is not about only child syndrome. There is nothing wrong with wanting a home to be reasonably clean and tidy. But what you are describing is squalor, it sounds awful. I am no total tidiness freak but I need order and cleanliness, and I could NOT live in the conditions you describe. This isn't about one person not seeing things the way the other does. It's about residing in a livable place.

 

Any healthy person wants/loves his or her "alone time".

 

So, either you move back to your own place, or.. you hire a contract cleaner and get them to blitz the house (one day, two days, as long as it takes), get a skip and pitch all the junk out there and get it taken away.

 

And you did remark:

 

"......has ADD, so he's the king of starting projects and taking 1-5 years to finish them."

[ParisPaulette]

You have three choices here:

 

a) you realize the only one who has trapped you is you and you tell him it's not working and move out. And then reexamine if this relationship is right for you, because "just dating" appears to be the only dynamic that works in the relationship. I mean, he's not going to change down the road most likely if he couldn't change in the first month of having his girlfriend move in with him. Not sure what you see for the long term there, but it doesn't sound like it's a good thing.

 

OR

 

b) You take full control of the place, tell him it's your house now too and you wield all of the power you have into pushing both of you to spend your weekends and free time to renovate and clean the place up, the two of you establishing rules, and you be as ruthless about it as a third world country warlord would be. This is not for the faint of heart, and it might also end the relationship OR he might just like it, who knows. Only do that though if you're willing to be a fire breathing dragon that would lead an army into Hades and back.

 

OR

 

c) You tell him you need that quiet clean space and you maybe co-opt one of the rooms in the house for your own personal paradise to go to IF you have the room, and it sounds like you do. Maybe that could be a solution?

 

Those kind of are your options and needless guilt or feeling like you're bad for wanting and needing what you want and need is not going to help. You need to take action, however you choose to do that. And you need to table the guilt and just accept this is simply reality set in as you both try to mesh your life together. And it may or may not last if you two really are not compatible living together.

 

But if you think it's worth it get to work on doing, not saying, but doing and insist that you turn that house into your paradise too. Personally, I think more communication, not less, and compromise to find something that works for both of you is the answer. Try that first maybe then examine other options.

 

P.S. No one is ever the bad guy for needing what they need and having personal living preferences. You aren't being unreasonable, but you are in a major life change. Those aren't always comfortable and they aren't always right for you, but if enough positives are there then it may well be worth it to see if you can't find something that makes you both happy.

 

P.P.S. House renovations suck under the best of circumstances. Understand this, lay out a plan and run it to get the job done a bit at a time, but realize when you get something done and you can see your work you will feel like you just won the world. It's a process and there are times you're going to wonder what you got yourself into. I know I sure did when I renovated my current house. It took two years, but now I can say it was more than worth it although there were a few times I just wanted to light a match to it all and be done.

[itsallgrand]

If you have the money for your own apartment, why not both use the apartment for relaxing and living while going to the house to work on it? You stay together, but have a retreat from the house.

I get the stress of all that mess. I flipped a house once, and no way was I going to live there while working on it! Work is work, home is home.

[Hermes]

" There's a bunch of junk on the back porch (which is in lousy shape) - just.stuff.everywhere. The living room isn't usable - it's become the "dog room". Three dogs create quite the mess(es) plus, all the stuff he has thrown in there (random tools, car parts, etc. etc. etc.)"

 

In these parts we would call that a "halting site".

[j.man]

If you have the money for your own apartment, why not both use the apartment for relaxing and living while going to the house to work on it? You stay together, but have a retreat from the house.

I get the stress of all that mess. I flipped a house once, and no way was I going to live there while working on it! Work is work, home is home.

The whole idea is she doesn't want to pay rent, though.

 

Personally, I think her dedicating just one amount of what she'd normally invest into rent into a good deep cleaning service and giving herself a workable baseline to exercise her "clean freak" habits from would fix a whole lot of this. Not only does it make the place more palatable for her, but it's also a way to pitch in and make things more equitable. Sitting around waiting for projects to get done and for rooms to be organized / cleaned while not financially contributing isn't good for the relationship or even her. This is a prime opportunity to lay some claim in this home so that she's not just a glorified house guest.

[Wiseman2]

This! This is why it's not her call to nag about his place yet do nothing to improve the situation.

The whole idea is she doesn't want to pay rent, though.

[itsallgrand]

I misunderstood. I thought she was paying her share of costs. Good solution, jman.

[Hermes]

I agree that the OP should hire a contract cleaner and blitz the place. Doesn't have to be squeaky clean, but squalor is the other extreme......

[DoF]

Sounds to me like it was a great idea to move in together. Often this action allows you to see clearly what kind of a person your parenter really is.

 

And now you have the answer. He is NOT the kind of person that is compatible with you. You can move out to your own place.....but at the end of the day, you guys WILL end up in one place and when you do, you will experience what you just did in short 2 months.

 

Just imagine how you will feel YEARS into it......

 

Sounds to me like it's time to end it? This will not work long term, sorry.

 

I always tell people, before ANY long term commitments, LIVE TOGETHER. Cause until you do, you REALLY don't know the other person as well as you should.

 

 

 

You also have some codependency issues OP (or something along the line). When you live somewhere/anywhere, you SHOULD feel obligated to contribute financially in some way shape or form!!! You are an adult! Work this out ASAP

[Hermes]

No truer words, DoF.

 

"I always tell people, before ANY long term commitments, LIVE TOGETHER. Cause until you do, you REALLY don't know the other person as well as you should."

[DoF]

No truer words, DoF.

 

"I always tell people, before ANY long term commitments, LIVE TOGETHER. Cause until you do, you REALLY don't know the other person as well as you should."

 

Thanks

 

Maybe I should be a philosopher.......lmao

[lms919]

Whoa, I never said I didn't pay rent or contribute financially. And yes, I do most of the cleaning. I've tackled projects, such as cleaning out ALL the kitchen cabinets, getting rid of empty boxes, organizing shelves, etc. and he wasn't too happy when he came home. He would rather have been there. I've said, "What do I need to do to lay the trim, etc, but I've never done contracting work myself, so I need to wait for him to start/finish larger projects. I have no problem paying my own way, thanks.

[catfeeder]

I'd be kind about it, but I'd move out and let the chips fall where they must. It makes no sense to live in hell as you enable someone else to live badly, too. Maybe the move will be the wakeup call he needs to sell the place and get his life in order--with you or without you.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that you should move out. Given the complete incompatibility you have in living together, I think it best for you to consider if marriage is something you see in your future. Because if you would be fine with living apart but dating for the rest of your life, maybe things can work out with him. If not, then I think you should end this relationship.

 

He's a good person but not the right one for you.