I love an unavailable man.

[JW68]

I'm in love with my boss. He claims to be in love with me too. We have been friends for years and during this time, he has a long term girlfriend of about ten years, with whom he shares two children. He's always hinted to me that he wasn't happy with her. Over the last several months, our friendship has intensified and he confesses to me that he doesn't love her, has been in love with me for years, thinks of me all day and all night. He was selling his house and told me they agreed to split up when the house was sold. We begin our affair, with me believing he will get his own place and we can begin our relationship.

 

Fast forward a few months, house is sold, and he tells me he is buying a new house and she will be coming too. Still claims he doesn't love her, that they're not "together", but he is the sole provider and she and the children are financially dependent on him. That he told one of the children mommy and daddy would be splitting up, and that the child was absolutely devastated and it broke his heart to see his child cry. That everything he's doing is for the kids, he doesn't love her and is miserable with her but doesn't want to see his kids miserable. Says he is deeply in love with me and doesn't want to lose me, but feels stuck and doesn't know what to do. I asked him what he felt for her. He said respect, since she's the mother of his children. But no passion. He claims to be deeply in love with me and said he has never felt a love like this before. He even went so far as to say that I'm the only woman he's attracted to. (I didn't ask, he brought that up out of nowhere. )

 

I told him I feel like an idiot for believing him, and that I feel now that he never intended to leave her and that he just wanted me on the side. He cries in front of me pretty much daily when we talk about it. He assures me this isn't the case, he doesn't want to give up, he just isn't ready to hurt his kids and that all this is for them. He says he still wants me to be patient while he figures everything out. I took it as, "Keep having sex with me while I do nothing about anything." I feel like if he wanted to be with me, he would find a way.

 

Bottom line, I know I need to move on and find someone else. I love my job, but it's hard to interact with him every day. I have to find a way to get over him while working with him, so NC isn't an option. It isn't as simple as finding another job. This is my career. This is who I am, this is what I do.

 

I guess I just need encouragement and advice, hopefully from people who can relate. I don't have anyone I trust enough to talk to about it in real life.

[RainyCoast]

you can't just wait silently and hope he'll actually leave her because it's the fair thing to do for you. you've already conditioned him to believe he's not obliged to whatever is fair to you. when you list your "i want such and such or ELSE" you need to back up the ELSE with actions the moment he breaks the deal.

 

how do you feel about the obvious imbalance of power?

 

anyways op, not to moralize or anything but...boss, married, unwilling to leave the "miserable" marriage until the kids turn 40...how'd ya fall for that washed out cr*p hon?

[JW68]

No, I told him I'm not waiting. And that I feel dumb for initially falling for the old, "I'm leaving my wife" hat trick.

[Hollyj]

OMG! You actually fell for that!!! He is giving you every cheater line in the book. Don't be so foolish! Wake up!

 

Screw ups:

getting involved with a committed man

sleeping with boss

believing his ridiculous stories

he doesn't not give a rat's a$$ about you. He is using you for sex

 

 

You know that he is still sleeping with this woman. if he loved his kids, he wouldn't be banging you on the side. Many people split up daily that have kids. Better for kids, than having a cheating parent - that does lifelong damage.

 

Find another job.

 

Next time, think about the damage and hurt you could possibly inflict on the kids and gf. So selfish!!!!!

[Krankor]

You said that you know you need to move on and find someone else. I'd make that your mantra and stick with it.

 

But the fact that you still have to work with him (under him no less) is frankly going to make that more difficult. We all know it's not usually a good idea to date people at work for that reason and others. But, it happens. My girlfriend is a co-worker, and I've asked myself what I'll do if things don't work out; how I'll handle it and try to get over her. What I've decided is that I'd have to "fake it 'til I make it." That is, I'll have to act like I'm over her and continually tell myself that I'm over her. I'll just do my best to treat her in a professional manner until that's exactly how I look at her.

 

In your case, he's your boss, nothing more. He's your boss, nothing more. He's your boss, nothing more. Just keep telling yourself that. Don't let him drag you into any drama; if he tries, just tell him that you prefer to keep things strictly professional and are only open to discussing work related things. Keep your dealings with him as brief and to the point as possible. Changing your brain and your thinking is a matter of what you continue to tell it. Good luck.

[bulletproof]

I asked him what he felt for her. He said respect, since she's the mother of his children.

 

I don't see how that's possible. If you respect someone, you're honest with that person. It also doesn't sound like he respects you or even himself, really.

 

I realize you love your job. But maybe it's time to start thinking about the idea of finding the same type of work somewhere else. I think if you weigh the pros and cons, you might find that it's worth it to not be around him.

 

The advice is the same no matter what the breakup: deal with him as little as possible, be polite and lovely when you do, and start finding other interests and people. My guess is that you went down this road originally to fill some other lack in your life. Start doing some real thinking about why you would ever have found this to be an acceptable situation for you.

[HeartGoesOn]

What's done is done, and I'm not going to judge you but (imo) you can't possibly move forward while staying at this job. Unfortunately, this is one of the sad consequences of mixing business with pleasure.

[Clio]

So you are willing to participate in messing up two kids' lives forever...And you want advice on how to go about it...

Whatever you get at the end, you have definitely earned it.

[bulletproof]

So you are willing to participate in messing up two kids' lives forever...And you want advice on how to go about it...

 

I don't think she's looking for advice about how to go about it. I think she said she's looking for advice on how to get over it.

[ThatwasThen]

You won't leave that job because "This is your career" I'm surprised you didn't have that conviction when you found yourself crossing his relationship boundaries while he let you.

 

You just need encouragement? For what, to have the fortitude to look at him everyday while you pine over him? I think you'd do well to get yourself to a therapist who will help you to hone your personal boundaries so that you quickly stop feelings of infatuation to married men instead of fueling them. By spending one on one date like activities with them and believing them as they seduce you emotionally, when they say they are going to leave you did a huge disservice to yourself and more importantly, his wife.

 

Perhaps with help you learn why you just didn't tell him something like: I am finding myself becoming infatuated and in lust with you so I will not be doing anything outside of my job with you and if you ever do leave your wife, maybe we can go get a drink together or something

 

His lines are what EVERY married person tells the person they are having an emotional affair with and left unchecked more times then not someone ends up just like you have. A therapist will also help you to figure out why you are afraid of commitment. You ARE afraid, why else would you find someone who CANNOT commit to you so attractive to the point that you tear down your own morals to be with him?

 

I'm sorry you let this happen to you. If you acknowledge that it wasn't actually love, you'll get over him sooner. Afterall, how can you know you love someone that you've only spend clandestine moments with, without life getting in the way. That's a perpetual honeymoon period of sex and emotional vomiting on one another without any real action showing you are loved or you should love.

[boltnrun]

Leave the job. Maybe it's your career, but I can't believe it's the only company on the planet where this career is available.

 

And stop sleeping with him.

[Tanzi]

We begin our affair, with me believing he will get his own place and we can begin our relationship.

 

This is how nearly all affairs start.

 

Fast forward a few months, house is sold, and he tells me he is buying a new house and she will be coming too. Still claims he doesn't love her, that they're not "together",

 

That everything he's doing is for the kids, he doesn't love her and is miserable with her but doesn't want to see his kids miserable. Says he is deeply in love with me and doesn't want to lose me, but feels stuck and doesn't know what to do.

 

And this is how they continue .... for years if you were gullible enough.

 

He says he still wants me to be patient .

 

And nearly every married man and woman says this.

 

So you wait ..... and life passes you by .... the chance to get married yourself ..... the chance to have your own children ... and still you're waiting while he continues to "figure it out" ... when the reality is he thought he already had it figured out. An unsuspecting wife and a gullible mistress. Though it seems you have woken up to his string of lies.

 

I have to find a way to get over him while working with him, so NC isn't an option. It isn't as simple as finding another job. This is my career. This is who I am, this is what I do.

 

Then the only communicating you do is in regards to your work. Nothing else. Strictly professional and strictly platonic. It's not going to be easy but you know he isn't going to leave his wife any time soon so if you want to move on with your life and stay in your job then you have no alternative but to stay away from this man. You have to say it and you have to mean it. You owe it to his wife and children if nothing else seeing as he isn't going to be leaving them any time soon.

[greta96]

Not much more to add to what was already said, it's sad to see that the old tricks cheaters have used for ages still work, I mean I would have thought that by now everybody has gotten pretty good at spotting these standard tell-tale signs and catch phrases but I guess not...

Hopefully you now know that he is not miserable with his partner, contrary to what he told you, and that he has no feelings for you. He doesn't respect his partner (in what universe is cheating on her being "respectful"?), just like he doesn't respect you. Behind the boss facade, all powerful and full of authority, is hiding a weak, spineless, lying, pathetic excuse for a man - is this who you claim to love so much? Is this the best you can do?

I highly doubt that he will let you work there, with him, after you stop giving him sex, so since I'm sure there are many other similar companies out there you can work for, I suggest you start looking for another job asap. Or, you can continue letting him use you, until he gets bored of you and starts craving a new sexy thing to play with.

And next time, have some respect for yourself and for the innocent families you are messing with!

[catfeeder]

What advice would you give to a close friend in this position?

 

I'd write that down and follow it.

[heartinlimbo]

As long as you allow yourself to be used, he will use you. Don't waste your time and your life on him. Talk is cheap, your life and time is precious.

[Laughingthru]

It's easy to judge this situation from the outside but hard to experience it on the inside. This will not go the way you wanted it to, and even if it did you would never trust him. Move on in every way you can. Until then the hurt for all parties continues. Good luck.